Authors: Clifford Paxton
Tags: #dream, #lucid dreaming, #nightmare, #are you awake, #casporix, #deiham, #tales of casporix
Journal date: May
Well, this is just freaking great! A
couple days before my birthday, and I get attacked by a loose dog.
Darn thing knocked me down to the ground and scratched up my face.
It left a big gash. The doctors had to put in stitches…ugh…dogs! I
was scarred for life!
I thought they were supposed to be a
man’s best friend! Now I’m stuck in this stinking hospital, just
sitting in bed, bored. Paisley fell asleep on me, and Mark and
Brenda went to get us food. Hospital food sucks. Especially the
food at St. Richards Hospital, ATTN ATTN…Room 65 would like to stop
all food service! GROSS!
Journal date: August
I had a pretty good summer. I spent
most of the time hanging with Paisley. School is about to start up
soon. I am worried about dealing with other kids. I never get along
with other kids in school. Hopefully, this time will be
Journal date: August
Well, I’ve come to find out that not
much has changed with kids. A-holes. I don’t understand why it’s
always so hard for me to fit in. I figured with my black hair, and
blue eyes, that it’d be easier to fit in. I’m not overweight, and I
don’t even have acne. I just have a scar, big deal. I thought I
could at least get a girlfriend, but it is hard to get girls to
like me, when all the boys pick on me. They always call me
(Scarface or Track cheeks)…GOD! I hate this scar; I think that’s
what the issue is with these stupid kids. I just look different.
Well, at least I still have Paisley.
Journal date: Jan
I had another weird dream today. I was
on a train. It just kept going and going. It never made stop. It
just passed people at all the places we were supposed to make a
stop. There was only light passing through the windows, from the
sides of the tunnel. It was so dark and lonely. I was the only
person on the train, besides one man. He was standing with his back
towards me, facing the door to the next cart. He was just swaying
back and forth. He never tried to open the door. I kept yelling at
him “Mister! Mister! But he never said anything. As soon as he
started to turn around, I woke up. That dream was like a symbol of
my life. Every time I tried to talk to someone, to make a friend, I
couldn’t. I just passed the world by unnoticed. No one to share a
seat with, anywhere, Blah…I need to snap out of this. At least I
have Paisley and my family. It’s not so bad I guess. I just wish I
could make friends.
Journal date: March
I’ve finally made a couple friends. My
best friend is a kid named Devin. He is cool. We like to hang out,
and play video games together, and a lot of other stuff. I’m glad I
have a friend. Paisley keeps wanting to tag along when we play
together. Devin, and I did stuff that any normal 13-year-old kids
would do. If we weren’t playing video games, we were shooting his
old brother’s BB gun. I’m always like (You can come, just don’t
tell on us for nothing!) I knew I could trust Paisley. She never
did me wrong before. Plus even though I had a friend. She was my
first true friend/sister…so I didn’t mind.
Journal date: June
It has been so long since I’ve written
anything. But what the FUCK! What the FUCK! What the FUCK! I don’t
know what the hell is going on with my life. It is all falling
apart. I’m lucky that I even got some paper, and a pencil, in this
shit hole. I’m in a damn questioning room at a police station. I’m
going to write down, everything I told the cops. A couple of weeks
ago, Mark came home from work early. Paisley and I were just about
to watch a movie. We even asked that ass-hole if he wanted to watch
it with us. Well, that SOB sat during the whole movie, just
drinking his whiskey. He didn’t say a word. When the movie was
over, Paisley and I were talking about how cool it would be if she
could become a famous actress. All I remember is Mark saying, (So
you want to be an actress? Come into my bedroom, I’ll teach you
some things) then he told me to go to bed. What the hell ever dude.
I went to sleep; I didn’t want to argue with that asshole. When I
woke up, all I could hear was yelling in the kitchen. I walked down
the hallway into the living room. I had seen Paisley sitting on the
couch. She had bruises around her neck, crying her eyes out. I’ve
never heard that kind of yelling, and cussing in that house. Brenda
was yelling at Mark. All I could remember her yelling was (What the
fuck did you do! Did you rape her!) I then reached down for
Paisley; I wanted to get her to come outside. She pulled away as if
I was going to hurt her. I reassured her, that everything was going
to be okay. She finally came outside with me. Then all of the
arguing inside stopped. I just thought they finally calmed down.
Then all of the sudden Mark came outside. He looked really angry,
and said, (Get out of here you little shit!) as he pushed me away
from Paisley. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what the hell
was going on. Then Mark said (If you don’t get out of here now, I’m
going to grab my gun). I told the cops I was terrified, that all I
wanted to do was get Paisley out of there. She wouldn’t come with
me. Mark said, (You have 30 seconds) and went inside. He came back
out with his gun. He pointed the gun in the air and cocked it. I
ran…I ran like never before. I told the cops Mark even fired a shot
at me. I don’t know how the hell that shot missed me, but somehow
it did. It hit the tree next to me as I was running down the
sidewalk. I told them, I was running toward my friend Devin’s
house, but stopped when I seen the cop cars and ambulance. I
figured that I could go back, and check on Paisley, and see what
the hell was going on. When I was walking back, I saw them putting
Brenda into an ambulance. Mark was standing outside with some
neighbors, who witnessed the whole thing. They told the police,
Mark warned me to leave, but I didn’t, and that is why he got his
gun. Mark told the police, that he had just got back from the
store. He said he left to get a pack of cigarettes. Bullshit!...all
bullshit! He never left. He said when he got back, that Brenda was
unconscious on the floor, and I was on the couch choking Paisley.
I’ve never felt so betrayed. I mean what the fuck! Paisley wouldn’t
say a word! She was like a walking zombie mime. I guess I’ll wait
and see what happens. I know I didn’t do anything, but it’s my word
Journal date: July
ARRRRRGH! I’m so stressed, frustrated.
I’m sitting in this courtroom, and the jury is looking at me like
I’m a criminal. I had to get some paper from my lawyer and write. I
had to keep myself from blurting out my feelings. I’M INNOCENT! I
don’t know why the hell no one believes me. I don’t have anything
going for me. My lawyer tried to get a tape from the gas station to
prove that Mark wasn’t there, but they didn’t have surveillance
from that night… just my damn luck. Brenda was nowhere to be found.
I don’t even know what the hell happened to her, or where she was.
The worst, betrayal ever is Paisley. She testified, that I did rape
her and choked her. I’m dripping tears onto this paper, just
thinking about this. Why was she up there lying! I wanted to yell
out, but my lawyer told me it was a bad idea. I asked him before
why they couldn’t do testing on Paisley. He told me that she has to
want the testing, and she already, claimed it was me, so the court
didn’t demand it. That’s bullshit! Why wouldn’t they make her! I’m
innocent. It’s my life they are talking about; everyone’s story
leads to me as the bad guy. I can’t believe it, even the fucking
neighbors, testified to what they saw. I mean, how are they going
to testify, to seeing me run away from a gun? Who the hell
wouldn’t? They only had seen that part. No one saw me outside
talking to Paisley. Man, I just don’t know what the hell is going
to happen. I’m praying for a miracle.
Journal date: July
The justice system is a joke. There is
no justice. People don’t base their decisions on the facts. I’m 14
years old, and I’m stuck in juvenile detention until I’m 18. Some
justice this is, for an innocent kid. This is my first night here;
we will see how this goes. It’s not off to a good start, the damn
guard that got me off of the transport bus already made me mad. He
had the nerve to say (Welcome home), as I was getting off the bus.
He spat out some tobacco chew. It was all messy, and stunk
horribly, like my life right now. I can’t believe he said “Welcome
Home.” What an asshole! But the real asshole is Mark. All I can
think about is Mark. I hate Mark. I want to hurt him so bad, he has
ruined my life. I only had a brief view of what a real family is. 6
years is not long enough. I’ve spent more time without a family,
than with one. Well, I need to put down this pencil; I got to try
to sleep again. At least I don’t have a Bunkie, the bed next to me
is empty. GOD…I can’t sleep in this place, I got to try.
Journal date: July
Today was my first day, and it didn’t
go well. I was just sitting out in the yard, leaning against the
wall, when three kids approached me. It was a kid named Tom, and
his two friends. I already knew he was going to be trouble. Tom
just had an expression on his face, like he wanted to pick a fight.
The other two kids followed him so close they could have been his
shadow. Tom asked me (What are you in for) I didn’t answer him at
first. How could I answer that? I am innocent. It’s not like I
actually did the things they said I did. That question, by itself,
made me uncomfortable. I didn’t answer. He then said, (What’s
wrong? Are you retarded or something?) That little statement made
me angry. I didn’t want to fight him though. I tried to explain how
I was falsely accused of raping my sister, and hitting my mom. Then
Tom laughed. I couldn’t believe he laughed at me. Then what he said
after he laughed, pushed me over the edge. Tom said (Why don’t you
just admit you’re a woman beater? And a sister fucker!) I felt a
fire burning up inside me; I had to do something…so I did. I
punched that little carrot top, son of a bitch, right in the nose.
He fell down so quick…like a bag of bricks. Then his two little
girlfriends started punching, and kicking me. The punches and kicks
didn’t hurt as bad, as the fact that everyone here thinks of me as
a woman beater, and a rapist. I was lucky that a kid named Joe,
came over, and started fighting the other two kids. He knocked one
of them out cold. The guards pulled him away, right as he was about
to get to the other kid. I’m so grateful Joe came over. I don’t
know why it had taken the guards so damn long to get over there. My
body hurts so bad right now! I need to try to rest.
Journal date: July
I had a weird dream again. I was
standing at a four-way stop, right in the middle of the street. It
was dark outside. I felt a cool breeze, hit my face, as a closed my
eye, and lifted my head towards the moon. Then car lights turned
on, in each direction of the four-way stop; down the road about 30
feet. All the cars started speeding towards me at the same time.
They were going to run me over. This dream was different. I was
aware that I was dreaming. It was like I could control it somehow.
I wanted to fly. I wanted to fly away from all the cars trying to
run me over. Before I knew it, I was lifting myself off of the
ground. I shot into the air quickly, just before the cars were
going to hit me. All of the cars ran into each other instead;
causing an explosion. The explosion was huge. The fire from the car
was rising towards me fast, and then from the smoke, and fire, a
car flew into the air. It hit me right in the face…then I woke up.
That dream was so weird. I felt like, it was a symbol for my life.
Trying to escape the pain, of not having a family, only to get away
momentary, and then sucked right back into the pain. Anyway…I
better put this journal away. I got to go out into the yard again.
I sure hope today is better than yesterday.
Journal date: July
Its strange…none of the kids will even
talk to me. It is like I’m a ghost. I don’t know if they are all
scared, or if Joe told them to leave me alone. Speaking of Joe, I
haven’t even seen him, since the day I got here.
Journal date: July
Well, I finally saw Joe again. He had
come up to me at lunch, and said, (You got a mean right hook) I
didn’t know how to respond to that at first. I had taken a drink of
my water, so I didn’t have too. I was worried about talking to
anybody. Even though Joe broke up the fight. I was worried about
trying to make friends. He went out to explain to me how the kids
around here like to play a game called craps. It sounded confusing,
but he spent the whole lunch period telling me about it. It was a
complicated game, but it was very fun. The kids around here, like
to bet snacks and duties on the game. I think I probably liked it a
little too much. When we played it I won, more than I lost. It
worked out for me good. I got some free snacks. As a matter a fact,
I’m going to quit writing, and grab one right now.