Tantric Orgasm for Women (10 page)

Fig. 6.4. Rear position

Fig. 6.5. Rear position with man lying on top of woman

Fig. 6.6. Woman sitting
on top

Fig. 6.7. Woman kneeling on top

Excitation Versus Excitement

It is essential to understand that direct stimulation of the clitoris produces sexual excitement, which is a form of tension. Tension causes contraction and inhibits energy from spreading, so it is not basic to the expansive orgasmic design. Perhaps differentiating between
excitation
and
excitement
will be helpful here. Excitation is a state of aliveness, of refined vibration, tingling, and inner delight. If such pleasing sensations are played upon or intensified through continued touch or stimulation, excitation can quite easily change character and shift into excitement coupled by an overwhelming urge for orgasm. Excitation is beautiful, wide, of the here and now, without direction—the pleasure is enough unto itself. Excitement is narrower; it has a direction and it rouses a compulsion to take the sensations to some over-whelming conclusion.

A woman is advised to stay with excitation as much as possible and to avoid excitement, especially during penetration. Woman’s excitement has a peculiar effect on a man, with dire consequences—intensity of sexual excitement in a woman encourages early ejaculation in a man. Premature ejaculation is fostered when women get too excited either before or during the sexual act. If a woman always wants or needs a great deal of stimulation
during sex, her partner is more likely to have a premature ejaculation problem. When a man attempts to arouse his woman through a lot of stimulation, he is ensuring that he will ejaculate soon. Some men ejaculate immediately before the much-dreamed-of penetration, totally overcome with excitement and anticipation. Others ejaculate within a few minutes. As we well know, loss of erection usually follows ejaculation, and man is disabled from staying inside woman for long enough to make any impact on her. (As to his experience, with this quick ejaculation man does not deeply sense that he has made love and so he begins longing for sex again, fantasizing about it, dreaming of the moment when he will penetrate again. As mentioned earlier, the mere discharge of semen does not grant a man the satisfaction that comes with deeper orgasmic states.)

Thus, a man is seldom inside of a woman long enough for either of them to experience the pure channeling of energy into the woman, and the glory of this. When the sexual energy is able to move in a circular way according to polarity, the penis is functioning finally as a conduit for male energy. However, because of his premature ejaculation, the man is unable
to remain present in the vagina; this has made his woman dependent on her clitoris, and thereby on excitement, for sexual satisfaction.

If both parties to the sexual act remain relatively “unexcited,” they can delay ejaculation for a long time and prolong the lovemaking. Ejaculation becomes a choice, not a necessity. To reduce the incidence of ejaculation
prior
to penetration, a woman should cool down during foreplay to ensure that her man stays relatively unexcited—that is, if she wants him to enter her. By reducing excitement she naturally makes her man more potent, putting him in more of a position to satisfy her.

The same principle of keeping it cool applies during penetration: keep the excitement level down so that man can continue to avoid ejaculation. When the excitement level and tension in the vagina get too high, a man will ejaculate, especially when the woman moves her pelvis in an active way in order to engage and stimulate the clitoris. The excitement of this is instantly communicated to the penis. Any sudden, urgent rushes of excitement should be avoided because these will virtually “pull” an ejaculation out of a man. Unless a man has authority, unless he is relaxed and
in control of himself, he almost has no choice but to ejaculate. Men report in
particular an uncontrollable discharge when a woman shifts gears and tries to
intensify excitement so she can pull off an orgasm. One man described how he
experienced this pulling sensation as a kind of dark substance entering and
overwhelming him. Men themselves are amazed at how quickly an ejaculation can
happen in the face of a woman’s increasing excitement. Of course, if a man loses
his erection, it hardly matters to the 70 percent of women who in any event rely
on the clitoris; but this conventional approach limits female experience because it is removed from the penis and vagina—the organs of love themselves.

The Inclusive, Polarized Vagina

The vagina is an electromagnetic cavity, and
included
in it, not separate from it, is the clitoris. One pole (“positive”) is found at the clitoris and the other pole (“negative”) is found in the deepest part of the vagina, around the mouth of the uterus (cervix) and upper regions, as explained in chapter 6. An electromagnetic connection exists between these two poles, which runs through the so-called G-spot. (The G-spot is named after the gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg,
1881–1957, who was the first to offer a theory concerning this area.)

The G-spot is a highly erogenous cushion of tissue located just a few inches
inside the vagina on the front wall, almost up behind the pubic bone. This is
where the vagina wraps around the urethra (the tube that carries urine from the bladder). The area is connected to the sphincter muscles of the bladder, which may be one reason for its sensitivity. Added sensitivity can be attributed to the fact that the area forms the back end of the clitoris, which has nerve roots that run very deep.
¹

Recent research has established that the tissues of the G-spot contain an enzyme also found in the male prostate gland, suggesting that the urethral sponge may be the female version of this gland, which is also rather sensitive to pressure and touch in men. The existence of these tissues in this place may also explain the fluid secretions many women experience during or after G-spot stimulation. Sometimes called female ejaculation,
copious sexual juices can be released from the G-spot. For some women, ejaculation happens in heightened sexual states; for other women, ejaculation is not accompanied by any special sensations.

There can be no question that every woman possesses a G-spot; what differs is
whether or not she feels it. Each woman carries her personal sexual history,
made up of individual physical and psychological factors that can interfere with
her sensitivity. However, by now we know that the penis has the capacity to heal
the vagina of past aggressions. This means in reality that, in time, any woman ultimately has the capacity to experience the joy of the G-spot. While this is true, it is rather hidden away inside the vagina—though most women can feel it if they probe gently into the vagina with a forefinger and explore behind the pubic bone/bladder area. During lovemaking the area can sometimes get engorged, making it easier to feel. In any case, the G-spot should not be made a separate focus of attention and thus interrupt the awareness of a woman from the
whole of the vagina.
All these mysterious parts
together
make up the incredible wonders of the female genitalia.
²

And so it follows that the G-spot, like the clitoris and like the vagina itself, should be approached in a passive, easy manner, not sought after or hunted. Perhaps in certain angles of penetration the G-spot or the clitoris may come into play. A little further on we will consider how women can make use of clitoral possibilities. However, neither the clitoris nor the G-spot is the real source of orgasmic ecstasy for women.

Integrating the Clitoris without Disturbing the Vagina

We need to reevaluate the clitoris and find its place in deep, moving orgasm. We also need to appreciate the vagina and give value to the event of penetration—the conjoining of male and female poles—which will lead to higher experiences. The real art for women lies in integrating the clitoris without distracting from the vagina. To do this it is usually best to avoid stimulating the clitoris before penetration. As mentioned, excitement builds tension in the vagina. The vaginal environment physically contracts—some
women report a slight, dull ache—while turning slightly positive and unreceptive, which inhibits the potential electromagnetic streaming from the penis into the vagina.

I frequently ask women in my workshops if they notice whether the vagina is less sensitive or more sensitive to the penetrating penis after a bit of clitoral stimulation during foreplay. The overwhelming majority of women raise their hands to say that in fact they notice the vagina is
less
sensitive after the clitoris has been played with. They perceive the
sensation and pleasure of penetration as tremendously heightened when the vagina
is in a more innocent and passive state, undisturbed by any previous genital
touching. (Remember, with tantric sex the vagina is already streaming with receptive
energy from loving focus on the breasts.) This clearly demonstrates that
stimulation of the clitoris creates tensions that make the penetration much less
sensational. The stimulated clitoris seems to disturb the composure of the
vagina, creating a restlessness, a wanting, a kind of hunger for orgasm that
dramatically reduces the significance and intensity experienced in penetration itself. And once the penis is inside, the excited woman’s tendency is to want to go for the orgasm (again by way of the clitoris) rather than to stay with the actual reality of the penis in the vagina.

If you choose to engage the clitoris during sex, it is much better to do so much further down the road—certainly well after penetration, perhaps even after an hour or two of making love. This time gives your body a chance to open fully via the energy channel between breasts and the vagina. Then, if the clitoris is approached in a relaxed, easy, passive way—as an extension of the vagina itself—it can deepen vaginal awareness, greatly intensifying sensitivity, and adding to orgasmic states.

The clitoris can therefore be used in two opposing ways: The first is as a
direct doing, an active stimulation—with the outcome of making woman a bit pushy
and easily orgasm-oriented, which reduces her awareness in the vagina. Or the
clitoris can be used in a non-doing, more passive, softer way, which makes a woman more receptive and open and increases awareness in the vagina. One way leads to discharge, the other way leads further into her ecstasy and femininity.

So in general it is advisable to leave the clitoris unstimulated to a certain
extent. The temptations of the clitoris are enormous because it does feel delicious, but in truth the clitoris should serve as a bit of fun now and then, not as the basis of your orgasm or sexual experience. On occasion the clitoris will unexpectedly, happily chime in with everything else and further heighten your experience. But without an orgasmic base—the vibration of the magnetic rod between the breasts and vagina—the clitoral orgasm is not usually deeply moving, and can leave women in an emotional state.

The Clitoris as Bridge to the Vagina

Certainly peak orgasms do feel good in themselves; but they
beckon us away from the orgasmic state—the relaxed expansion (of the same
energy) that lies at the other end of the spectrum. However, some women report
that through stimulating the clitoris and having a quick peak orgasm, they can
relax more into their orgasmic nature. The quick release skims off tensions
present in the system, and this can have a relaxing effect on a woman. And relaxation is basic to orgasm. When relaxed, a woman will suddenly feel more sensual, feminine, and receptive, with the vagina more available. So a woman
can
use the clitoris as a bridge to the vagina, but if she peaks in this way during penetration she gets there at some risk to herself. As we know, man easily ejaculates with the final onrushes of female excitement, thus ending the approach to her deeper orgasmic state.

Some women also say that a bit of clitoral stimulation can raise their temperature to a full
yes
to penetration. Some women, in experimenting, say it is a relief to turn away from the imperative to go all the way for a peak orgasm with the clitoris; instead, at some point it feels right to say, “That’s enough, I want you
in
me now,” and then to relax into penetration without effort.

Many women prefer oral stimulation of the clitoris to other types of clitoral stimulation because it’s wet, it can be sensuous and silky, and there’s no irritation from rough, calloused fingers. Even oral stimulation is not appreciated so much when it gets hard and fast and rhythmic—it builds too much tension, too much pressure to climax.

Oral (or any) stimulation of the clitoris requires a new attitude: it should be like a short visit just to say a loving hello and then to move on. Oral sex can be used in support of awakening the energy but not to produce a full-blown orgasm; it can be used in support of remaining in excitation states without getting overexcited.

As we know, many women don’t even expect to reach orgasm during actual intercourse, with the penis in the vagina. Their peak results from some form of direct oral and/or manual stimulation of the clitoris, which is in fact most easily achieved without penetration. Or it comes from pelvic rocking to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse. (A woman might think, “Of course he’s going to come before I do once he gets in there. That doesn’t mean I need to give up peak orgasms. It just means I need to have a quick orgasm before he goes in, or manage one after he’s come.”) On top of this, clitoral stimulation is generally assumed to be essential to female orgasm.

But here is new information: One of the biggest differences between conventional sex and tantric sex is that, in the latter, women
can
experience orgasmic states with the penis in the vagina. In fact, penetration is a necessary part of how the polarities work together to bring us into the orgasmic state. Leaking the sexual energy through momentary experiences, pleasing though they may be, is ultimately not enriching or uplifting and neither is it empowering for a woman.

If a woman is curious about her clitoris and about exploring it from a completely different angle, it will be interesting to know that tantra recognizes the existence of a subtle nerve that connects the clitoris to the little hollow above the upper lip.
³
Gaining control over this secret nerve route can enhance the pleasures of
lovemaking for woman and man. (See the awareness exercise at the end of the
chapter.) During lovemaking this subtle channel can be activated through
visualization. Then, a man can greatly enhance this activation by kissing the
upper lip of his woman, gently sucking and tugging on it, thereby stimulating one end of the channel. At the same time the woman can, if she wishes, take the lower lip of her man into her mouth and do the same.