Tantric Orgasm for Women (11 page)

Identifying Desire and Separating from Urges

As you make love and monitor your excitement in an attempt to keep the climate cool, it is important to identify the precise point where the tide changes for you—where you suddenly feel an urgency for orgasm. This point is significant because here something creative can be done, if you are interested in transforming conventional sexual patterns. If a desire arises within you, tantra does not tell you to fight it. It is futile to fight with desire, but that doesn’t mean that you become its victim or that you indulge in it. Instead tantra gives you a very subtle technique.

“When a desire arises, just at the beginning, just at the first glimpse, the first flicker of desire arising, be alert. Bring your total awareness, the entirety of your being to look at the arising desire.”
⁴
Don’t do anything, just face the desire squarely, in full consciousness, and relax back into yourself. Nothing else is needed. The energy falls back inside you, wells up, and expands powerfully through the body, lifting you to another level of experience and sensitivity. When desire disappears without a fight, it leaves you powerful, filled with immense energy and tremendous awareness.

The problem with desire is that when it has arisen—and even five seconds of
entertaining desire is too much—you cannot do anything about it. Then desire
will have to take its full course; it will complete its circle, and you will be
carried away in its grip. Only in the beginning can you do something about it:
burn the seeds of desire right then and there. When you identify the point of
rising desire, then you can begin to separate from the urge and choose to go through relaxation instead. The response to go with our desires is a conditioned response, as if we flick into automatic-drive mode, so naturally it takes some practice and experimentation
to steer away from the excitement track. After a while of separating from desire, the heightened feelings you experience will cease to translate into desire but will transform themselves into expansion and deepening of sensitivity. A little excitement in the beginning is always good to bring the body into excitation, but then there is a corresponding need to relax and allow the expansion of that very same energy through the system. In reality, desire and horniness are
not
prerequisites for sexual
congress; in fact, more can happen when two bodies meet as relatively unexcited beings.

A woman shares her experience:
“My husband and I decided to do an experiment with the clitoris without penetration. When he first touched me on my clitoris, it felt as if a button was pushed. As he touched me and moved his finger around my clitoris, I started to feel horny. I got hot; the previously slow and fine sensations and energy movements in my body suddenly changed. I started to move up against my husband’s body with urgency. My breasts went out of my awareness. They seemed not to be at all important anymore. My focus was now totally on my clitoris. My vagina changed from relaxed and open to contracted and narrow. I got into a certain stress, started sweating. I moved faster and faster. I had the impression that I
had
to go toward an orgasm. My body felt tense and my vagina got more contracted. The contraction went even more up toward my stomach. I started using exciting words. It was a stress. I could not really feel my body as a female body anymore. The deep connection I could feel with myself was gone. The deep love I could feel toward my husband was almost gone. The connection seemed to be cut. Joy was gone. It seemed more like stressful work, like a satisfaction I needed to have, a clear goal. It had nothing to do with love or my heart.

“There was a point when I could not and did not want to go on. I asked my husband to take his hand away from my clitoris. I tried to relax my body, my vagina, to get back with my awareness to my breasts. I closed my eyes to return to the connection with myself and by that to my husband as well. I realized how difficult it was to relax my vagina. My husband and I then touched my breasts in a nice and soft way. By doing this I could relax more. But I could not really relax my vagina for a long time. It felt like cramps. This feeling stayed for hours. When we got together again with a soft penetration, it felt like a healing process starting from my breasts to my vagina and expanding to the rest of the body. I felt so good and connected again. My female part could start living again.

“We also did this clitoris experiment another time with penetration. My man did not have a real erection yet but he was inside me and it felt very
nice. After stimulation of the clitoris it turned out that my contraction of the vagina got so strong (I would even call it horrible) that the penis did not have any chance to stay inside. It seemed it was kicked out. I am happy that we did these ‘experiments,’ as we have learned a lot. . . . I am not so ready to go for this experience of intense focusing on the clitoris again, as I know now that it hurts me on a very deep level; besides, my body does not like it anymore. I had not noticed this before. There is lots of very loving joy when we are together.”

Awareness and Sensitivity Exercise
Awakening the Secret Tantric Nerve

Give yourself twenty to thirty minutes on your own. At first it is suggested to do this meditation alone so that you can get the energy moving through the channel. Later you can use it as a kind of fore-play, as well as tuning into it while you are actually making love. You can also experiment with your partner sucking your upper lip, as suggested earlier in the chapter.

Lie down on your back, or sit upright with a straight spine. Visualize a subtle nerve running from your clitoris to your upper lip. You will be able to awaken it and consciously channel sexual energy upward through this nerve channel. From the clitoris, it runs upward through the center of the belly and chest to the base of the throat, and then through the neck to the occiput
(the hollow at the base of the skull). Looping up to the crown of the head, then
down through the center of the eyebrows, ending at the palate and the little hollow above the upper lip. It is like a serpent with mouths at both ends.

Visualize this nerve as an empty but vibrant tube, with a conchlike shape at the vagina/clitoris and a mouth at the upper lip/palatal region. Link some deep, slow breathing to a very gentle tightening of the vagina; this will awaken the nerve. Remember that strong contractions of the vagina during lovemaking can encourage male ejaculation, so be aware if you choose to do this, and do it very delicately so as to be almost imperceptible. Once you have connected with this path energetically, it awakens without any vaginal constrictions.

Partner Exchange Exercise
Exploring Excitation, Excitement, and the Full
Yes

Give yourselves about forty-five minutes to do this exercise. Lie on your back side by side with your partner, with a space of about three
feet between you and with no physical contact. Each of you take your awareness into your body and find a place of rest within yourself.

When you feel connected with yourself, slowly turn onto your side and face the other, allowing your eyes to meet in soft vision. After a few minutes, gradually move across the space that separates you. Place your hands on each other’s genital area (one or both hands, depending on your comfort) as consciously and gently as possible, and fill it with your awareness and love. You’ll find it extremely helpful in your exploration if you can report to each other in a few succinct words what you are experiencing in your body through the different kinds of touch. (See
chapter 9
for more information about sharing the “now” during lovemaking.) If a certain touch arouses horniness, observe this, share it with your partner, and look to see how the touch can be modified so as not to create excess excitement.

You, the woman, want to avoid stimulating your man’s penis, so don’t do the
usual masturbatory movements, with your hand copying the way a man would masturbate. Instead, hold his penis softly by wrapping your whole hand around it at first, and then a bit more firmly; then squeeze your hand and release it gently, slowly and lovingly moving up and down the penis squeeze by squeeze. From time to time simply hold still and embrace the penis with the warmth in your hands. With one hand you can also hold the testicles, firmly yet loosely, and delicately roll them around in your fingertips without squashing them in any way. Then hold the testicles with one hand and the penis with the other hand and melt into your hands, filling the penis with energy. Your man can very lightly rest his cupped hand over your pubic mound and follow this with a little tapping on the pubic bone and then resting still for a while. Then he can very gently pull one or two pubic hairs so as to cause a sensual little tug in the root of the hair. Again, he can rest his hands in a cup shape over your pubic mound. Continue for as long as feels right. The art is to create aliveness and excitation while bypassing overwhelming excitement that leads to desire.

Woman Is Equally Responsible for Erection

We know that woman is the receptive element within the male-female dynamic, and this extends to the level of the vagina. Because of the equal but opposite polarities of the vagina and penis, exactly 50 percent of the erection response is an outcome of the environment surrounding the penis—the vagina itself. And really, when you think about it, this is as it should be: erection happens due to an interaction between the male pole, which is half of a circuit, and the female pole, which is the equal and opposite half of the very same circuit. When the magnetic poles are joined or lying within their spheres of influence, the poles exert a force on each other and erection is the outcome. The electromagnetic qualities of the male and female bodies build an erection through dynamic interplay. The positive male energy extends outward as it is simultaneously drawn inward by the negative female. This electromagnetic phenomenon makes the degree of femininity present, especially in the vagina, vital in determining true erection. The significance of this is enormous—a woman’s influence on a man’s erection is more profound than she ever imagined.

Thus, erection is not simply a matter of getting excited and staying excited. The presence of the opposite pole is required to trigger the mechanism in man. Excitement can be enjoyed for what it is—it is a choice we can make at any time—but it is important to understand that it is not the
source
of the male erection. The subtle electromagnetic properties of the penis and the vagina exist
beneath
the level of excitement, as an energy reality in the physical body. It is actually easier to perceive the interplay of opposite polarities in the absence of excitement, because with excitement
the delicate deeper polarities are easily overridden and obscured. An erection
that arises through polarity can be maintained for an hour or more without the
usual efforts. An erection of this kind is a totally different sexual experience
for woman and for man. It is like an inner earthquake that awakens every cell in
the body. It is the most extraordinarily organic happening, full of the delicious sensations of the penis lifting and twisting its way into the vagina, writhing upward snakelike, touching woman to her very core.

Penetration without Erection

Because erection is possible at this delicate, organic level, we can begin to think about penetration (which usually requires erection) in a completely different way. “Soft” penetration offers us an interesting alternative style of lovemaking. It is very relaxing to begin penetration while the penis is soft. A woman can easily insert an unerect penis into her vagina, once she learns how. A man can also do it, but it is more fun all around when the woman
actually puts the penis in the vagina—perhaps with a little help from the man, if necessary, who can join in holding the penis at its base. Often by this stage the penis has already started to respond to all the loving attention with the beginnings of an erection, and this makes the penis even easier to slip in. Soft penetration is a useful skill that, with a little practice, can be quite artfully done, thereby opening up a whole range of what hitherto were impossibilities.

With this new skill of putting the penis inside the vagina without erection, the lovers bypass the usual need for excitement or stimulation. This is an excellent way to begin intercourse, because it means the poles meet in a relatively undisturbed state, from zero so to speak. In the optimum scenario, of course, the woman has experienced an overflow, a showering of energy, onto her vagina from her breasts prior to the soft penetration; however, this is not absolutely essential. Quite okay, too, is to place the penis in the vagina after a short kiss and cuddle. Without excitement there may be a lack of lubrication in the vagina, and this is easily rectified with lubricants. (See more about condoms and lubricants in the partner exercise for soft
penetration at the end of the chapter.) Once penetration is achieved, the woman can begin to bring her breasts into the foreground as elaborated in chapter 5, touching them, sensing them from within, or having her man touch them with love. And then it is a simple matter of waiting to see what wants to happen. In any event, the unerect penis can feel very delicious, and it is good to relax into whatever radiating sensations are present,
remembering that awareness at this level is what creates an environment conducive to erection.
A man is also able to sense his unerect penis, if not at first then certainly after a few attempts at diving into awareness in his penis. Most men in my workshops report that the penis is a great deal more sensitive by the end of a week, after being more conscious in sex.

In an unpretentious meeting of the vagina and penis, a natural kinetic of positive and negative follows from which erection can potentially unfold. I say it
can
because it does not always happen like this; it takes a bit of time for the penis and vagina to become accustomed to communicating at this level. On the other hand, it may happen on the first try! It really depends on the sensitivity of the individuals—and this will change at each moment and day by day. It is most likely to occur when a man and a woman are loving, intensely present, and relaxed in their general approach. Certainly when lovers achieve an erection in this way it is not by physical effort or fantasy. It is more likely a by-product of love, respect for the body, intimacy, and physical tenderness and is not something that should be expected
every
time. In this atmosphere the penis will naturally expand and wind upward and perhaps after a while relax and unwind. This is not cause for anxiety: if you wait without interfering, often the penis will rise once again.

In fact, starting out with soft penetration can be a tremendous relief to a man because it takes the immense pressure off him about
having
to achieve an erection before he can make love. This relaxation in itself helps his erection potential.

Healing Impotence and Lost Sensitivity

As explained in chapter 6, conventional sex causes the vaginal walls to toughen up and thereby lose sensitivity and receptivity. So on the first few
occasions a woman may not feel as much of the delicate and divine vaginal sensations she is in reality capable of. Usually, though, she
will
feel herself and she
will
feel the penis in her vagina
before
the man can actually feel his penis himself. The penis, too, has become insensitive and overcharged, the tissues hard, tense, and dense. In this state of congestion it is very difficult for man to really perceive his penis without movement, let alone be a channel for his masculine force to flow into woman. So this lack of sensitivity is quite normal. But the good news is that relaxing together with the genitals in electromagnetic connection is a powerful healing force. The body responds very quickly and, depending on sincerity and the frequency of love-making, the penis and vagina soon begin to feel increasingly sensitive and alive to each other, whether erection is present or not. The unerect penis in the vagina is also a delight, and increasingly so as sensitivity is reawakened. Orgasmic states can happen as easily with an unerect penis as with an erect penis.

Impotence, the inability of a man to get an erection, is a mammoth problem facing men and women these days. Generally speaking, impotence can largely be attributed to the tensions, aggressions, pressures, heat, and excitement brought on by conventional sex. Man’s dependence on stimulation and sensation means that with the passage of time he may eventually lose all capacity to respond as he slowly loses his sensitivity to himself and to his surroundings (woman and the environment). In addition,
men frequently are disconnected from their true inner feelings, which include
feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, and repress them instead. Repressing
feelings only makes matters worse. On top of the physical congestion is emotional turmoil and sexual confusion, and so a man can lose all potency.

Through soft penetration and the gradually returning sensitivity of the genitals, impotence really can be overcome. The healing of the penis and likewise of the vagina is something that can only be done together. Each needs the other half for healing energy to arise. In a relaxed atmosphere the penis (and the man behind it) is more able to perceive and sense the surrounding environment, which is the source of his erection. Healing impotence takes time and patience, communication and expressing inner feelings, and it can be done.

The key for a woman is to continually develop awareness within her vagina. Each time of making love is a new chance to dive deep within and feel the vagina from the inside; to start to perceive it differently and treat it differently; to imagine it as a receptive canal and will yourself to absorb and be receptive. It may take a few attempts to trust yourself, but the outcome will be sufficient encouragement to spur you on your way. This can be an ecstatic journey that lasts a lifetime.

Receptivity and Fear of Not Feeling

Women generally carry a great fear of feeling nothing—no interesting sensations in the vagina
at all—
if they relinquish the movements of conventional sex. This fear is something to be squarely faced, because behind the barrier of fear of inadequacy lies a world of feminine experience. All kinds of fears are instilled in us through an accumulation of insensitive sexual experiences; but now, in this loving, tantric context, a woman can let go and allow herself to receive man, allow herself to be healed by him and with him.

The more present and conscious a woman is in her vagina, the stronger the man’s erection response is likely to be. Remember also that the breasts are the route to the vagina, so these must not be abandoned and overlooked in favor of the vagina. It’s best to be aware of both places at once. If that is a bit of a stretch (which it will be at first), then choose the breasts as the focus of your awareness and trust that the vagina will respond. If the sensation in a woman’s breasts are suddenly intensified, for instance when she or her partner touches them, there is often an accompanying surge of energy experienced through the penis as it rises and burrows deeper into the vagina. The same effect results through breast awareness itself, without even the need for physical touching. When a woman increases her intensity of awareness or begins to melt with the breasts and really enters them from the inside, it serves to encourage erection or even retrieve an erection.

Man, as he is now, is easily overwhelmed by woman (who is a bit “male,” herself), and especially easily loses his fragile erection response
when woman’s sexual overtures seem more like hungry demands than gracious invitations. Man needs space to fall back into himself in order to truly realize his masculine qualities. And woman needs time to relax into her element in order to have the required alchemic effect on man. With our habit of taking action in sex, right now it may seem far from natural to relax and absorb; with practice and commitment it will soon begin to make all the difference to the sexual exchange.

Some emphasis is given to woman strengthening the muscles of the vagina, or using contractions or pumping the vaginal muscles during sex to squeeze the penis. Usually she does this with the intention of encouraging and maintaining erection. It will be most interesting for women who use this strategy to hear that in exactly the moment a woman contracts her vaginal muscles intentionally, men report that they immediately begin to sense that they are losing their erection. The moment a woman makes a demonstrative, positive, male-like expression, it has the opposite of the desired effect. The flow of energy between negative and positive poles is disturbed; suddenly the complementary component is absent, and erection begins to fail. The penis will begin to shrink back and both man and woman will feel it instantly.

A natural flow occurs when there is an ambience of vaginal relaxation creating space for the delicate, organic phenomenon of erection. And essentially, woman is the space in which everything takes place. When man feels this magnetic flow emanating from his penis, as if drawn out of him and absorbed by woman, it gets easier to change conventional ideas that sex equals getting excited and coming. When a woman is more feminine—poised and centered in herself, relaxed and receptive in her body, with awareness in breasts and vagina—it happens spontaneously, without thought, that male energy extends outward in the form of an erection, without great effort or great excitement. A spark jumps across the space and the bodies follow in unison. At a certain level of sensitivity it is possible to lie and be enthralled by the magnetic goings on of the penis snaking up and down the vagina for many hours with no movement at all. Remember: making love frequently enables the sensitivity to return and the electromagnetic finesse to develop between the penis and the vagina.

A man shares his experience:
“Making love has become a part of my daily life and the fulfillment of my deepest longings. More and more I reach that incredible space of no-mind, of endless love, of inner expansion without boundaries, of great bliss. To me it still is a miracle, every day again. The wonderful thing is to be able to reach that space as a couple, but also alone. I can feel how the stillness and depth of that state of being infiltrates my ordinary life in a very subtle way. And I realize that I have become much more conscious about the moments when I lose contact with myself. And I can quite easily return back in and down. How can life be so easy? For me it has become a deep meditation to be together with my partner in this way. It nurtures my whole being in a wonderful way. The way I go back to my daily habits has changed. I feel much more connected with that still-point in me.”

A man shares his experience:
“I am learning to trust myself. Many of the things we have spoken about I have felt or done before sometimes, but I didn’t understand or trust it. Simply to be there, naturally, waiting—this is very relaxing. I can watch what happens between me and the other. All the little fine movements of energy I don’t normally recognize while I am excited—the excitement is what stops me from relaxing more and trusting in my energy. I have noticed that I don’t have trust in excitement. There is always this fear of losing the erection. This does not happen when an erection comes out of a natural energy flow, by itself.”

A man shares his experience:
“Today I experienced the interactions of male and female energy. I always felt responsible for everything that happens in lovemaking, but at the same time I always had this feeling that it is not true—there is something else that creates the situation as well. Each day now my trust, acceptance, and relaxation grows. I begin to feel what happens on the other side for my partner, that something in me activates something in her, and this activates something in me, and so on and on. It is the feeling of creating something together, and the ability to receive love grows.”

A man shares his experience:
“In the beginning a lot of conditioning came up. It was going so far that I couldn’t get an erection. But as soon as I found the door out of my mind, an erection was there. The process brought me back to myself. The more I can relax in lovemaking the more I feel my sex energy. When I notice I am outside of myself with my energy and I bring it back inside of me, the energy increases and spreads out in my body. The energy that wants to flow out of my penis, the pressure that wants to ejaculate—if this energy comes back to my body, it spreads out in my body and relaxes me very much. The fear of ejaculating early, all the tensions there—the pressure falls away if I can own back this energy. It’s softening to my body; I feel myself fluid, like waves in the ocean. The more I relax, the more the energy takes over. Suddenly a wave of feeling, of energy, comes and moves my body, then it slows down and I feel a soft energy flowing out of my sex center toward my lover. This is combined with beautiful feelings in my belly. Then another wave comes and carries me away. There is no fear of ejaculating, no pressure—the awareness is not only concentrated in my penis.”

A man shares his experience:
“This approach strengthens me immensely, gives me trust in myself, gives me self-acceptance, freedom to express myself. It makes me feel more worthy.”

A man shares his experience:
“I see that most of the time I am outside of myself with my energy in making love. I’m a doer. I want to give pleasure, to satisfy. The first days I missed an orgasm—the feeling that lovemaking was incomplete, the urge to masturbate was there. While making love I have to be very aware—I come so quickly to the point where I ejaculate because the pressure is so strong. This is changing now. The more I bring my energy back to myself, having no ejaculation, the more I am myself. It makes me more and more sexual. The longing for my lover increases—to be loving, soft, gentle, more sensitive. Going into my mind I destroy all this. If I can stay in my energy all feelings increase.”

A woman shares her experience:
“We plugged in again last night just to charge our batteries, and just as I was falling asleep B. went ‘boom’ and
kept on going while I slept. He said he felt high almost the entire night, in and out of sleep, and that it was a totally new experience for him. Naturally we plugged in again this morning and amazingly he kept right on going. It was beautiful to see and hear him talk about it . . . but I am just a tiny little bit envious. For some reason I have problems holding my presence within my body these last days. I was more relaxed these last two times—I am juicy all the time, even when we are not plugged in, and I enjoyed just being with my man in this relaxed atmosphere.”

Partner Exchange Exercise
Soft Penetration

See Figures 8.1, 8.2, 8.3, and 8.4 for suggested positions for soft penetration. The easiest starting position is 8.1, in which the man lies on his side, facing the woman. The woman lies on her back, bringing her pelvis close to his. Both open their legs, and the genitals will be naturally lying opposite each other. Bring the genitals together and wrap the legs around each other. If the man is lying on his right side, the woman places her right leg between the man’s legs keeping her knee bent and her foot resting on the floor. and brings her bent left leg to rest on his pelvis. This is called the scissors position because of how the legs interlock in scissorslike fashion. The woman may have to move her upper body away from her lover’s (to more of a 90-degree angle) in order to make the pelvises fit more snugly, or she can angle her own pelvis upward to the same effect. Experiment and find what is most comfortable (positions 8.2 and 8.3 make nice changes once penetration is achieved).

Fig. 8.1. Scissors side position for soft penetration

Fig. 8.2. Couple rolled to one side