Tantric Orgasm for Women (4 page)

Peak and Valley Orgasms

Let us consider in detail the differences in these two approaches to orgasm. From the very outset the approach and attitude is different, one from the other. First of all, we tend to intentionally seek and “go for” the peak type of orgasm, to deliberately build it up to a climax. Achieving a peak orgasm becomes a linear, goal-oriented activity requiring a mental intention to get
from one place to another. We assume that we need to
do
whatever we consider necessary to reach our final destination—the peak. A valley experience is more like an invitation without an expectation or demand of orgasm. Something may or may not happen. And when it happens, it happens by itself. The final outcome is not at issue; rather, the focus is on the joy of the moment—being here and now in the body—which allows the journey to unfold without a predetermined direction. In place of pursuing an orgasm there is an openness to and acceptance of what is taking place in the body, moment by moment, which creates the sensitivity necessary for an orgasmic valley experience to emerge.

To arrive at a peak orgasm we must usually expend considerable physical effort. The aim is to intensify the stimulation and bring the deliciously exciting sensations into one glorious crescendo. This involves repeated mechanical movements of the pelvis, which get faster and faster toward the end. This activity is necessary in order to intensify energy to a peak, but at the same time it also builds up a lot of tension, which compresses the energy into the genitals. In contrast to all this customary activity, to enable a valley experience to flower we need to
be
more and
do
less, allowing everything to unfold very slowly in the most languid, easy, lazy way possible. We avoid deliberate efforts and any movements or positions that produce undue tensions. The penetration of the vagina by the penis is deliberately slow, and so are any pelvic movements. This relaxation between the genitals encourages a radiation and expansion of energy into other parts of the body.

The peak orgasm is usually quite a hot affair. In the valley things are a lot cooler. Any pleasurable moments of excitation can be enjoyed for what they are, but they will be followed by minutes of relaxation, not fed and inflamed into a climax of excitement. Through slowing down into a more non-doing approach and bringing awareness to internal movements of energy, we awaken an inner sensitivity that has little to do with excitement or stimulation. This sensitivity reveals a layer of magnetic excitation in the body that is cool, cellular, and ecstatic. A buildup of excitement is not even really required for the relaxed kind of orgasm.

Yet another way that a peak orgasm differs from a valley orgasm is in
the duration of the experience. A peak orgasm is estimated to last, on a good day,
around ten seconds. So we can say that a peak experience has a pretty definite
start and finish. This makes it more like an event—we “have an orgasm,” or not,
as the case may be. In contrast, the valley orgasm is a more sustained state, a
timeless experience without a specific start or finish. It can last for a few
moments or a few hours—the time span is irrelevant, but the experience is the
same: In a valley orgasm, an ecstatic peace descends upon us, it surrounds,
embraces, and soothes us, we are suspended in it. We “become orgasmic.” This is
an expanded state of consciousness, not a momentary event measurable in seconds, like an orgasm.

When we merge fully with the subtleties present in the physical body, the sexual experience becomes ecstatically bodiless. This sounds contrary and upside down but in reality this is how it works. Energy turns inward and expands, streaming orgasmically upward. Rather than being discharged or released from the body, the energy gathers within the system, generating vitality and creativity. Sex experienced in this way enhances and strengthens the life force: beneficial hormones released during sex are delivered to the
brain, nourishing the master pituitary and pineal glands situated there (as mentioned in the last chapter), with positive impact on good spirits, health, and longevity. Sex actually extends life.

The energy of a peak orgasm tends to work in the opposite way. In the peak experience the energy moves downward and outward, in accordance with the requirements of procreation. The intensity of excitement is followed by a pleasurable discharge of energy that is released down and out of the body. Evidence of this discharge is the fact that frequently after ejaculation a man will suffer a distinct loss of energy. He may even feel angry, restless, or disconnected from his woman. Many women observe that they too lose great amounts of energy in orgasm, just like a man but without the release of semen. Suddenly the willingness to make love evaporates; they find themselves without energy or inclination to continue. As a result of the discharge in an orgasm, a woman can often feel abandoned, lonely, sad, or depressed.

The peak orgasm is more or less experienced as a local genital experience because the sexual energy is not given the chance to expand, to touch
other parts of the body. In fact it cannot expand because the very effort of achieving orgasm creates tension and thus a barrier to radiation of energy. The potentially beneficial energy is lost in release, rendering it unavailable for performing its natural healing and nourishing functions.

Special techniques do exist for deliberately extending the peak type of orgasm into multiple orgasms. By synchronizing breath and movement and relaxation, it is possible to assist energy to move beyond the automatic barriers and create expanded energetic states. Reaching these states usually requires substantial skill and focused concentration; rarely, though, do extended peak orgasms arise from an original state of relaxation.

Fig. 3.1. Biological or reproductive phase of sexual energy

Fig. 3.2. Spiritual or generative phase of sexual energy

Fig. 3.3. Complete sexual energy circle with redirected sexual energy spiraling through energy centers

Opening to a New Approach

To make the sexual experience more fulfilling, in general, a woman would do well to tend toward the orgasmic approach—orgasm as a sustained state of being in the sexual exchange—rather than simply seeking out the peak type of orgasm. This approach depends a lot on the willingness to trust relaxation and intrinsic feminine receptivity. Rather than trying to make
something happen, you simply receive, and
be,
and absorb energy into the core of the body through the vagina. It’s natural
once you get the hang of it. All the same elements of sex are present but the
composition is entirely different. What makes the greatest difference is the
attitude and awareness of a woman within herself, a woman’s willingness to tap
into her true feminine spirit. This requires a deeper understanding of her body and the courage to honor and express the feminine element residing within.

Most women associate the clitoris with orgasm; however, the vagina is more centrally associated with orgasmic states. A rising understanding of this may lead a woman to reevaluate her clitoral experiences while exploring her orgasmic potential. (Chapters 6 and 7 are devoted to the vagina and the clitoris respectively.) Please be aware that when I suggest this alternative approach to orgasm my intention is to broaden the possibilities for satisfying sexual experience. It is
not
my intention to make you think in duality, to suggest that you make a
separation between peaks and valleys or doing and being. In reality one cannot
exist without the other, so any separation between them is false. Included are all the delightful gradations of
exploration and experience linking these two. My intention is to convey that there are choices.

I simply invite you to reflect on your experience in light of the new information I offer here, to see how it might be of benefit to you. With this new approach, the orientation is toward relaxing into being orgasmic rather than searching with effort for an orgasm. Please don’t be judgmental toward yourself for your “failure” to have orgasms or for having the “wrong” kind of orgasm. There is no wrong or right way to approach sex, no one to please but yourself. Perhaps, upon reflection, you will realize that you haven’t allowed yourself to turn inward during sex, to feel yourself on the inside and discover what would please you. Perhaps you’ll see that you’ve been working awfully hard to
succeed
at sex, as though you were performing in a play or taking an examination. Perhaps you’ll conclude that you’re basically happy with your sex life but the idea of trying a new approach appeals to your adventurous spirit. It is my sincere hope that whatever insights you gain about yourself by looking inward can shift your perspective in a way that allows you to improve your experience.

Relaxation and Tension

Relaxation lies at the very base of any enhancement of
experience, so relaxation and more satisfying orgasm go hand in hand. All
orgasms, peak and valley, are enhanced by relaxation. Any relaxation (even
briefly) of any body part invites the expansion of energy on which all orgasm
and heightened experiences are based. Relaxation spontaneously leads to increased awareness, bodily sensitivity, and psychological openness. And relaxation produces qualities essential to feminine energy. Especially for woman at first, relaxation is essential because it shifts her away from the active, outward, male kind of expression required for conventional orgasm and puts her unquestionably into the receptive, feminine mode. An orgasmic state, or any orgasm achieved through relaxation, engages the genuine, deeprooted, feminine energies of a woman, which allow orgasm to be a fully satisfying experience. This is a good point to remember when you feel unsure about branching out and exploring a new approach to sex.

Peak orgasms can certainly feel wonderful in themselves, but rarely are they
deeply moving. We often feel basically untouched by them. If you find yourself
reluctant to explore something other than the tried and true, remember that
there is more to sex than the candles on the cake, which can be blown out at any
moment. Remember, too, that countless women report problems with the
conventional peak style of orgasm, with getting their candles blown out nicely.
Even with every best intention, it is not always possible to build up sufficient
sexual charge to produce a meaningful or prolonged climax. In our effort to “get there,” our movements become faster and harder, more and more unconscious and aggressive, decreasing our sensitivity with each move we make.

The physical tensions inherent in the goal-oriented approach to peak orgasm are compounded by mental and emotional concerns about orgasm that are present even before we begin to have sex. Tensions increase with any kind of pressure and, unfortunately, most women feel pressured to have an orgasm in order to please the man. Man so enjoys the moments when a woman orgasms that he likes to make it happen if he can. Partly he likes to give his woman pleasure, but beyond that the ego issue is a very big part of the picture. When a man sees his woman orgasm, it confirms
to him that he is indeed a good lover. This is something for a woman to be aware of, and we’ll attend to it more in a later chapter. It is good to know that many men are quite identified with (even addicted to) the excitement of their woman’s orgasm, if she is so lucky as to have one.

I am reminded of an occasion in a workshop when, after a few days of experimenting, a woman joyfully announced that she was finished with regular orgasms. They did not really do anything for her. In fact, she even noticed she felt much better without them. (I have heard women say words to this effect more times than I can count.) Much to her surprise this woman’s lover took her words very personally and reacted by withdrawing into angered silence. He unfortunately managed to receive her experiential observation as a personal insult—a message that he was no good and had been unable to satisfy her in the first place. He also felt threatened by the possibility that she would no longer be willing to have sex in the usual way, to try for peak orgasms for him or with him. Apparently he would have to sacrifice his customary approach.

Overcoming a Lover’s Resistance

Be prepared for a little protesting from your man here and there, but don’t let that stall you for long. Don’t be too serious in exploring new sexual pathways; develop a sense of humor. Be a sincere adventurer rather than a giver of rules and regulations, a tendency that women can easily display when entering this new realm. Don’t get caught up in telling a man what to do and how to do it. The tantric realm is closer to woman because of her receptive nature, so she falls into it more naturally. Man has quite some dismantling of a huge, excitement-oriented sexuality to do. He requires understanding, even compassion; instead of criticizing him a woman can become a bridge for him, a way to cross back and forth between the new and the old approaches. For a man to become tantric requires the same inward focus as it does for a woman, in order for him to contact his natural masculine responsive force and not depend on the usual male strategies. Give him space to experiment, working in cooperation with the reality (man’s sexual conditioning) without getting fixated on the ideal, which will only cause tension and turn an adventure into a struggle. Of course,
many men are delighted when women take more of a commanding role in sex. Thus your man may welcome your new interest with relief, and not see it as a threat to his ego. Certainly the situation has most potential when you explore together rather than as two separate persons each intent on his or her own thing.

Nevertheless, a woman can try out many of the suggestions offered in this book without her man necessarily having to agree (although he is bound to notice there is something more enchanting about the experience of making love with her). The truth is, changing a style of making love is an individual commitment, not necessarily a couple commitment. You as an individual have to wish to be more aware, receptive, and open—not too dependent on what your partner is up to or expects of you. Otherwise you can go around in circles and never break out of the trap you find yourself in.

For example, the situation may arise that your man wants to come. What do you
do? You might join him, saying to yourself, “Well then, what the heck, so will
I.” But this is not individual commitment; this is handing over to another person the responsibility for your own transformation. And that never works to one’s greatest satisfaction. Instead you might choose to
not
come, to relax and enjoy being with him during his experience but not force yourself into coming just because he is doing so. And if you decide, in fact, that this time you do want to come, then set about it in an easier and less effortful way. Be experimental and create the opportunity to experience yourself differently. Resist falling back to the known you, the tried and tested way. Experiment for your own sake and be curious about the outcome.

It might happen that, for a period of time while making love, a man still insists on his orgasm. But in the new context this can be after
an hour of delicious lovemaking
—which greatly changes the picture. And
why not? In time, he may feel that it is less important to ejaculate, that he is
pretty happy with how things stand at the moment; he feels quite fulfilled and
notices he is energized afterward. Through experimenting and observing the
outcomes of sex, sex begins to gain significance beyond simple entertainment. This is our usual gauge of sex—did we have fun? Was it recreational?
In actual fact, far more telling about whether a good time was had or not is what happens after the experience.

Observe the Afterward

We tend to overlook how we experience ourselves after the sexual encounter. How do we feel? What is happening within me and between us? In workshops I insist to couples that “the time afterward is your teacher,” not my partner and I. By keeping an eye on your postcoital states, both of you will get insights into the genuine goodness of sex and what leads you where. If after making love there is at times a feeling of distance and at other times a feeling of closeness, what does this reflect? Review your lovemaking and see how it informs you. In time a totally new vision of sex starts to emerge through understanding your experience. The inquiry becomes, “How is sex able to spread its benefit to every moment of my life, every day, in and out of bed? How do I get the best out of sex as a human being, not just a human doing?”

Recently I received an email from a couple in Australia that may serve to relax women and encourage men. After they had found a section of my first book displayed on the Internet, the male partner wrote to me saying:

We printed the lot and took it away with us on our January break. The simple concept of letting go of goal oriented intimacy has been a revelation which has greatly enhanced the spiritual sensitivity of our lovemaking and the sheer pleasure and beauty of enjoying each moment for itself, the beauty of the feelings of each touch or caress, the moment by moment sensation of each kiss, the loveliness of each moment of body contact, instead of each action being part of the path to the goal of orgasm. Being prepared to throw away the goals and letting each moment lead to the next brings pleasure to each moment and takes away all pressure to perform. We have been married almost twenty-five years and the spiritual dimension has always been important to us, but it is easy to get caught up in our Western approach of being goal oriented in almost everything we do, and so much of the Western material we read about sex is goal oriented. Best Regards.

Open up to the new alternative way, so that your man too can begin to experience himself in a new way. Remember, it takes a morsel before the taste can develop. Don’t just give in to going with the usual, the male-dominated sexual expression. A real woman does not stand a chance there. In giving in (or giving up), both men and women are the losers and nobody is a real winner.

Orgasm is a gift from the divine, a sip of the sweetest nectar. It is nothing to demand, expect, or chase after. If there is too much tension coming from expectations in sex, misery or frustration is bound to follow failure. Orgasms are not required every time we make love. An easygoing, innocent, unexpectant attitude creates the milieu for the orgasmic experience. So begin to change your thoughts on orgasm. As you enter sex, do something unusual: forget about orgasm. Avoid looking for sensations that could be the beginning of a climax; avoid heading for orgasm the moment your man penetrates you. Be as receptive and welcoming to the penetration as possible, paying close attention to the feelings in your vagina.

Observe within yourself the minute cellular phenomena present in the body in any given moment. As time is comprised of millions of magical moments strung together, the details are constantly changing, and these can become a constant source of delight.

Living these inner changes makes the sexual experience an organic one. Orgasm is not necessarily a huge explosion, a volcanic eruption. It can be a cool, peaceful, calm, relaxing valley where the body floats as light as a feather, dissolving into love-drenched nothingness. It can be the experience of eternity, beyond time, suspended in space by breath, one with the pulsation
of life. It also happens, as if by miracle, that from this depth of relaxation a peak of energy arises, but without any effort at all. A subtle force rises slowly and steadily from the depths and moves into a sexual dance, choreographed by a divine energy passing through the bodies.