The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (22 page)

Gestapo stuttered and blushed.  “I don’t know what you mean.  And why should I do as
you
say?  Who do you think you are?”  She turned to open her car door and Fenella forced it shut - she was like a fat Charlie’s Angel in action.

“I,” Fenella said very quietly, “am the person who knows about your little coke habit, darling.  Rather a lot of the dosh from hubbie’s dodgy dealings went towards that didn’t it?  So I would respectfully suggest that you listen to my friendly words of advice.”

“And what would
they
be, exactly?”  Gestapo’s botoxed top lip was quivering visibly.

Fenella was leaning on the car door by this point with her arms crossed and she continued very slowly, “Lay off the shit-stirring and we won’t have to tell Hinge & Bracket that they have very good reason to want you out of the school.  Capiche?”

Gestapo nodded obediently and drove off, clearly shaken.

And Fenella and I all but collapsed on the pavement in hysterical giggles.  “Capiche?”  Fenella spluttered.  “Where the fuck did that come from?”

“I don’t know.” I told her.  “But it obviously did the trick.”

Just as we were about to high-five one another, we spotted Lydia-Boss-Lady storming across the road to us.

“Well thank you very much, Libby.” she said sarcastically.  “That’s what friends do is it?” 
Friends?  That’s a bit rich! 
“You prised my nanny out from under my very nose and encouraged her to go and live with your homosexual friends.  Well thank
you!
”

Fenella was now in full fighting mode and determined that Round Two was going to her as well.  Abandoning her usual eloquence, she got straight in with “Oh piss off, Lydia!  Olga was always miserable when she was working for you - you’re the boss from hell.  If she hadn’t gone off to work for Nic and Rick, she’d have gone somewhere else.  Now if you’ll excuse us, we have important business to discuss and your domestic drama isn’t one of them.”

Left Lydia doing a good impersonation of a gold fish and I was fully expecting Fenella to issue another ‘Capiche’!

Friday 6
^th
February

Drink with Dan last night was nice but wrong.  Ned’s home tonight and, although I’m looking forward to seeing him, I just feel as if I have ‘GUILTY’ written all over my face.

Of course, I still haven’t actually
done
anything but … well, I’ve considered it and that’s bad enough in itself.

I’m really not cut out for infidelity.  I suppose deep down that must mean my marriage is still worth saving.

Saturday 7
^th
February

Well, from the less than enthusiastic reunion we had last night, it would be hard to find one part of our marriage that isn’t struggling for breath at the moment.  Ned had burnt the candle at both ends on his trip and was absolutely knackered and I just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.

We called for a take-away, shared a bottle of wine and then went to bed early.

To sleep.

Sunday 8
^th
February

Lunch at Mum’s, where once again Ned didn’t have to reach into his pocket for digestive relief.  Always a bonus.  Mum was on her best behaviour - think Bert may well have had words with her, if only to claw back some control, and not a minute too soon.

All was fine until we were leaving and she very pointedly said, “It would have been nice if you could have invited us to stay with you in Tuscany for half term.  Perhaps we’ll book a little hotel close by and come and see you every day.”

Oh my!  Ned’s face echoed my thoughts and he went deathly pale.

Bert whispered to me as I put on my seat belt, “Don’t worry love.  I won’t let her book anything.  You need a break as a family and you
don’t
need old Nosey Breeches interfering.

Is it acceptable to love your mother’s boyfriend more than you love your mother?

Sounds like a headline for a trashy magazine!

Monday 9
^th
February

Gestapo was looking a little sheepish at the school gates but the gossip machine seems to have wound down and the Meemies are clearly on the prowl for their next victim.

I think I served my apprenticeship last year so I doubt if they’ll touch me again.  Just hope they never find out about my clandestine meetings because they’d certainly make a meal of that.

PM

Had a call from Nic.  Things are working out really well with Olga.  He said it was a bit tricky in the beginning because Lydia-Boss-Lady was making constant threatening phone calls.

“But weirdly, Lib, they seemed to have stopped now.”

Didn’t let on that Fenella had been the one to sort that in her unique style.  A good one to share with them when we’re all together.

Capiche?!

Tuesday 10
^th
February

Fenella called to say that she’d had a bit of a false alarm in the night.

“And this time it
wasn’t
wind, Sweedie.  I actually thought it was happening.”

She’s been told to take it easy for a couple of days so she won’t be able to make the CCL meeting tomorrow night.

I guess I’m going to have to get used to chairing by myself when she’s had the baby but the thought still terrifies me.

Just hope it’s an easy meeting with no major dramas for me to have to deal with.

Time to be a big girl and hold my own - or hand over to H&B if the going gets tough.

Wednesday 11
^th
February

CCL meeting

Had a morning of preparing notes for tonight and then had a coffee with Mrs S.

At least Pritesh has told her the truth now and he’d been on the receiving end of a Mrs S style bollocking.

“What a silly young man, my son is!  And lying to his dear old mother too.  I should have been putting him over my knee and giving him a good hiding.  He had better be sorting this mess out soon or he will be dying a very sad and lonely man.”

Told her I was sure it would all work itself out eventually.

“Yes Libbybeta, I am sure it will all be coming out in the washing.  And I will have a lovely new daughter-in-law.  Unless …?”  She looked at me hopefully.

I didn’t bother answering her, just shook my head with a sigh and let myself out.

PM

The meeting was uneventful, partly due to the fact that it only consisted of me, H&B and Dan - no other bugger bothered to turn up or call with a pathetic excuse.

As there wasn’t a lot we could cover without them, we finished in ten minutes flat.

Ned didn’t have to know that though, did he?

Got home at just gone ten thirty and he was already out for the count.

Would have stayed out later if I’d known.

Thursday 12
^th
February

Spent the day packing for our break and then put in a quick catch up call to Lou.

She was incredibly jealous that we’re going away, despite the fact that we’d invited them to join us - even offering to pay for the fares - as I reminded her.

“Och no, Lib.  I couldn’t take my wee Finn on a plane.  If it crashed I’d never forgive myself.  You have a great time and if you should take a wee dive, make sure you get the life-jacket on Max first.”

Gee, thanks Lou.  Way to go!

Friday 13
^th
February

Max breaks up and Friday the 13
^th
- not that I believe in any of that.

I’m finally one of those mums who can proudly claim that they’re off to their villa for half term - never thought I’d live to see the day.  Felt a bit daft even mentioning it really - they don’t actually give a shit what anyone else is doing with their break - they only seem to care when you’re
not
going anywhere.

Also felt a bit mean, knowing that Patience is about to spend half term alone.  Pritesh really is taking his bloody time in getting in touch.  Fenella and I got
our
stuff done
much
quicker.  Just goes to show, if you want something done, ask a woman.

Might send him a text tonight and tell him to pull his finger out.

PM

Well Friday the 13
^th
delivered.

Ned came home from work tonight and told me that he won’t be able to join us for half term. 
Troubles at work.

God, we sound like we’re turning into a typical Manor House couple - I’m off to our villa by myself whilst businessman hubbie stays at home with his nose to the grindstone.

I wonder if there really are troubles at work or if he just doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I didn’t ask because I was scared of the answer but I felt very sad.

Sad for too many reasons to mention.

SPRING

MUMMY SEES THE LIGHT

Sunday 22
^nd
February

It ended up being a great half term.  Patience and Solomon flew out to join us - amazing what money can do at short notice - and we had a fantastic week.

Pritesh had finally called her but she’s making him suffer - he won’t mess with
her
again in a hurry!

Ned met us at the airport and he looked gorgeously handsome and just a little bit lost.  He told me how much he’d missed us and we shared a kiss when Max was in bed.

It was the first kiss in months that meant something and my heart ached for all those times we’d missed out on.

Time to get things back on track.

Monday 23rd February

Had an email from Hinge & Bracket which made me giggle and shudder at the same time.

‘Libby

We have had approaches from Millicent Finnigan-Potts
(that’s Barbie mummy to us)
and Tamara Harper-Knox
(Shergar)
to be granted permission to organise and host a Manor
House Yummy Mummy Contest.  We are aware that this has been discussed in the past and declined (for obvious reasons!) but they are really rather insistent that it go ahead.

We have given them a provisional date of Friday 8
^th
May in the hope that they will receive little or no response.  Of course they will be unable to proceed without entrants.

If it should go ahead they have requested that the winner donates any monies raised to the charity of their choice.

Let’s hope the idea is not taken seriously and we can bury this one once and for all.

Regards’

I bet that it goes ahead.  They’ll all be so desperate to prove that they’re the yummiest mummy in the school they’ll be in bikinis before you can say “Letchy is a judge.”

Ohh, just made myself feel a bit sick!

Tuesday 24
^th
February

Spoke to Fenella about the beauty contest and she thinks it’s bound to get support.

“Who knows Lib, if I ditch the baby weight, I might give them all a run for their money!”

Couldn’t figure out if she was being serious or not - that’s the thing with her, you just never quite know!

One thing I
do
know is, if it goes ahead, I won’t be entering.  Our dogs can go in the dog show but I won’t be joining the human equivalent.

PM

Met Dan for a quick chat whilst ‘jogging’.  He still thinks that we’re going further with this and I just know I’ve got to let him down gently.  He’s made me feel human again, and it’s been good to have had an escape, but I’m not being fair to either him or Ned and I know it.

In another world, another time, we could probably have been good together but I have to face facts.  I’m a married woman with a child and I’m having sneaky meetings with a teacher at my son’s school. 
God, that looks so sordid when I see it written down
.  It would never work and deep down I know I’m not prepared to give up what I’ve got.

I think I may have been incredibly selfish.

Wednesday 25
^th
February