The Douchebag Bible (38 page)

in which Instant Gratification might be beneficial. Some may

view this as an endorsement of consumer culture, and in a way it

is. I believe that human beings making mistakes is a good thing,

because only throughout folly can w advance. A perfect race of

flawless beings would, I suspect, still be living in caves.

In
"Obey Your Master"
I examine the American drive to

define success only in monetary terms, exploiting the outright

vilification of those who dare to define it on any terms but those.

In a society with this attitude, gangs of roving drug dealers armed

to the teeth should be a surprise to no one.

"Honor Thyself"
is about learning how to survive as an

individual in a culture that will stop at nothing to destroy

individuality. We must be aware of this culture's tricks if we don't

want to become just another gear in their machine.

"My Various Failed Subversive Revolutions"
was a

self-mocking look at my half-baked attempts at disrupting the

social norm. It probably has no place in this book, but I thought

it too humorous not to include.

"Democracy Is Fascism By Consensus"
dispels, with

little effort, the notion that the people as an amorphous body

should have any say in their governance. The system must exist

to protect the individual from the masses, not to protect the

masses from the individual. Currently, our system does neither--

both the individual and the masses work in service of the

corporations and the government.

In
"Commercials For Mediocrity"
I take a quick

snapshot of the state of television advertisements in America.

Nothing gives you a clearer idea of a civilizations values than their

ads. Ads appeal to what people really want in life.

In
"Our Heroes"
I point out our tendency to make idiots

into heroes, athletes in particular. And why not? They're rich for

nothing more than being skilled at the right thing. The world’s

greatest brick-layer makes 10 bucks an hour, maybe 30 if he's in

a union--the world’s greatest ball-thrower makes 30 million.

In
"Sorrow & Flatulence"
a chapter that I tried to keep

as light-hearted as I possibly could, I relive the death of my father

and pass on the lessons of that day to you. I don't know how useful

it is to anyone but myself, but the story begged for a place in this

book and sometimes you've got to let the words have their way.

"Bitches Be Crazy"
is another section that has more of a

personal than a political touch, but in America sex and politics

are in more dire need of separation than church and state. It

would take a whole other book to fully delve into that issue though.

In
"Free and Dumb"
I further build the case that the

government views you as property with no more right to control

your destiny than a hammer. That's what you are to them--a tool,

something to be utilized.

"What Is Freedom?"
might sound like a philosophical

question, but I examine it in terms that are—at least by my

estimation—pragmatic. Ultimately, the chapter must seek to

define truth in order to define freedom. They are two concepts

that, while not as synonymous as "obedience" and "honor" are

inseparable. One cannot be free when one does not have the

freedom to pursue the truth.

"The New Slaves"
is a strong criticism of the American

prison system, which is nothing more than a national string of

labor camps where men and women are brutally mistreated and

forced into labor against their will for the benefit of corporate

America.

And that pretty much wraps things up. Consider the

aphorisms in the chapter to follow the closing credits to the

cinematic experience that is, “In Defense of Evil” and the two

following chapters one of those cool after credit bonuses.

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing

it.

50 Aphorisms (In The Nietzschean

Tradition)

NOTE:
several of the aphorisms in this section appeared previously in my

first book,
‘
SCUMBAG: Musings of a Subhuman.’
They are included here

because they are the only part of that book that I am still proud of.

LOVE AND HATE—
It’s easy to hate. It’s fun to hate. It’s

comforting, like the buzz from a few pints of ale. It courses

through your veins, throbbing, reassuring you or your superiority.

When you hate a man, it’s easy to watch him die. When you hate

a cause, it’s funny to see that cause fail. When you hate yourself—

truly despise your every breath—there’s nothing that can stand in

your way.

It’s hard to love. It’s miserable to be in love or to love a

thing. It’s stifling, like smoke in the air. It courses through your

veins, making you feel small and useless. When you love a

person, it’s easy for them to stab you in the back. When you love

a cause, it’s easy for that cause to consume you. When you love

yourself—truly adore your every breath—you have everything to

lose.

SELF-DECEPTION FOR THE SAKE OF HAPPINESS
—

Religious people often place personal happiness above the drive

towards empirical or personal truth. They will sacrifice any fact

or any insight garnered through introspection upon the altar of

happiness. They don’t want to believe in death because it is too

distressing. They don’t want to face a cold and unsympathetic

universe because it is frightening.

I resent them for the notion that deluding ourselves into