The Douchebag Bible (39 page)

believing a falsehood might improve the quality of our existence.

It would be absurd for a man with a miniscule penis to live

under the impression that it was large and in demand. It would

make him feel better, but it would be demonstrably false and

would cause him to exist within a world wherein his conclusions

about himself were at odds with the conclusions of all others.

Perception is, to some extent, reality—but when

perception wholly contradicts the observable to such a degree

that others are encumbered by said perception then it becomes

the prerogative of the encumbered to instruct the perceiver and

guide them, gently if possible, towards the truth.

BEAUTY—
I've never seen anything breath-taking. I've never

had a moment in my life where my breath was stopped by the

sheer perfection of a sight. I've known the intensity of fear, of

hate, of self-loathing—but never beauty.

Everything that's supposed to be lovely is offset by the

ugliness of my heart. How could I, who lies and hurts at every

juncture, look at the beauty of a sunset and feel anything but

wretched? The light of beauty only serves to illuminate my

emptiness.

I would like to watch a city burn to the ground from a

nearby hillside, huge flames reaching from the buildings to the

sky, blotting out the stars with their smoke. That would take my

breath away. That would make me feel alive.

What does that say about me?

PERFECTION—
Being perfect is just another imperfection.

GREAT MEN—
More great men have died than have ever lived.

ABSOLUTE FREEDOM—
In a world of absolute freedom, you

own yourself. What you own, you can sell. Therefore, you can sell

yourself; you can become another person’s property. But then,

what if you change your mind? Can you tell them that they no

longer own you and leave? If you can, then what did they buy? If

you can’t, then even absolute freedom isn’t absolute.

TRUTH—
If the truth is hurtful to someone you care about and a

lie is pleasant (and if it is your desire to please them and not to

hurt them) then you should be true to your desires and lie to them.

It is the most honest course of action.

DECEPTION—
The contrary nature of humanity renders the

masses more easily deceived by an outright lie than a half-truth.

MISANTHROPY—
Misanthropes are the truest humanists.

Anyone with love for the human race will find themselves so daily

filled with bitterness and disappointment that hatred will become

their only means of expressing their love.

RESORT TO VIOLENCE—
Why do people always talk about

having to “resort to violence.” People like violence. They don’t

resort to it. If anything, people resort to discussion/compromise.

GREATNESS—
Humanity is the antithesis of greatness. Only

when we cease to be human will we begin to be great.

GREATNESS 2—
Who is it that says that not all men can be

great? Surely all men can be great in some respect. Otherwise,

why should they exist at all?

FEASIBLE GOODNESS—
Don’t confuse what’s feasible with

what’s just. Don’t confuse what’s possible with what’s good.

THE STRANGER—
In this age of constant distraction, we find

ourselves very uncomfortable in the moments where we are alone

and undistracted. To be alone in this times is the be trapped in a

room with a stranger.

SMALL-MINDED GREED—
Greed is not a vice. Short-

sightedness is. So often, the want for a few trinkets in the

immediate costs us the cooperation that could have yielded all of

us riches beyond measure.

ACHIEVING POWER—
A gang of unremarkable thugs will

prevail over the most remarkable of men without fail. Individuals

cannot achieve power by opposing the masses, only by controlling

them.

THE CRUX OF POWER—
The more leashes your hold, the

wider and weaker your grip will become.

THE FALLACY FALLACY—
When you remove all fallacies

from an argument, you wind up with nothing more than

disagreement for the sake of disagreement—which is the truth

behind all of our disputes, but it’s a boring truth so it can go fuck

itself.

ALL TRAGEDY IS CONTRAST
—Something is alive, then it is

dead. Flesh is intact, then it is not. A building stands, then it does

not. These are tragedies.

A man dies slowly of a terminal illness. Skin cells die off

over time. A building becomes dilapidated and is eventually

condemned. These are (though possibly sad) not tragedies.

Why not?

PRINCIPLES
—The good thing about being a man of few

principles is that I follow the ones I do have.

SEX OFFENDERS
—Only in a country where sex is offensive

would we have such a concept as sex offenders. Talking to people

on the street you would imagine that sex offenders must be worse

by far than any other criminals. The truth is that they are just

horny people who did something stupid either because they are

sociopathic or because they are too dumb to know better. Having

a sex drive doesn’t make you a monster, nor does acting upon the

sex drive even in defiance of the law. Treating people as though

they deserve the worst fate imaginable simply because they

engaged in a sex act without the government’s seal of approval,

however, does make you a monster. More precisely, it makes you

part of a monster. You are another cog in the machine whose

purpose is the annihilation of liberty.