The Fear and Anxiety Solution (14 page)

At the time Ryan started working with me, he’d been stuck in that state for several years. When we talked about his childhood, he shared with me that although externally everything appeared quite normal, he’d never felt that anyone really cared about him. He was the youngest of five brothers and had a hard time relating to any of them. His father was mostly absent because of work, and his mother was busy taking care of a big household. Neither parent had the patience or awareness to notice that Ryan was a rather sensitive boy and needed more attention and support than they were giving him. All his basic needs were met; however, there was no warmth, love, or comfort in his home. His parents’ behavior was mostly indifferent, neither praising nor punishing, leaving their kids without guidance or reassurance.

The lack of support and attention from his parents had greatly affected Ryan. Since early childhood, he’d felt sad, anxious, and lonely. What made it worse was that he couldn’t figure out whether they were incapable of giving more or whether there was something wrong with him for wanting more. At some point, he decided to escape this rather cold family mold. With his eyes set firmly on very specific goals, he forged through high school and college with great discipline and ambition.

In his thirties, Ryan became by far the most successful member of his family and could have enjoyed all his achievements, but the anxiety, sadness, and negative self-talk of the past caught up with him. His growing negativity seeped into his work performance and into his relationship with his wife and kids, often leaving him feeling isolated and rejected just as he had growing up. Why did all these old feelings and patterns resurface at the best time of his life? How could he still feel so bad about his life and himself after all he’d accomplished? Intellectually it didn’t make sense. From the perspective of the subconscious mind, however, it does.

Here is why young minds matter. Before the age of ten, your mind is like a dry sponge, soaking up any information from the outside that appears relevant to answering the three basic questions for your survival: “Where do I belong?” “What am I about?” and “What’s for dinner?” At that age you’re rather powerless when it comes to feeding yourself, paying a mortgage, or dealing with perceived outside danger. You’re highly dependent on the acceptance and support of your providers and protectors—mainly your family. A series of scary or
confusing experiences during these early years can shake up your trust and confidence. Maybe you were reprimanded or criticized and didn’t understand what you had done wrong. You may have been told that you would never amount to anything or just felt that whatever you did, it was never good enough. Maybe you were made fun of, didn’t get enough attention, or were left crying alone for what seemed like an eternity, though in reality it may have been for only a few minutes. Or you may have felt like Ryan—unloved, unwanted, and not belonging.

When you were that small and vulnerable, negative messages and sentiments were entering your subconscious mind in osmosis-like fashion. It doesn’t take major trauma for you to doubt and wonder whether you’re really safe or whether you’re good enough, loveable, able to fit in, and can really count on a daily dinner. Many of my clients grew up under completely “normal” and rather uneventful circumstances. But unlike their siblings or friends, their parents’ expectations or judgments, their teachers’ disapproving remarks, or the pressure of having to fit in with their peers left them with deep imprints of worry, pain, and insecurity. I often reassure my clients that there is nothing wrong with them and that they are not too sensitive. Rather than seeing themselves as flawed or weak, I ask them to feel good about their astute awareness and their courage to recognize and admit to themselves that there are wounds of the past that need to heal.

Like Ryan, you may have a part of your subconscious mind that still holds onto anxiety and limiting beliefs that stem from your childhood. Have you ever wondered why certain situations or people can make you feel small, vulnerable, and helpless? Why do certain triggers bring up the same negative thoughts and deflated feelings that you frequently felt when you were much younger? You want to disappear when you’re about to give a presentation, convinced that everyone will notice that you’re an inadequate fraud. When your spouse is busy and preoccupied, you feel rejected, unloved, and afraid of being abandoned. You revert to the pouty, defensive attitude of a teenager when you get that reproachful look from your parents for arriving late to Sunday family dinner. Or you blurt out a self-derogatory comment when somebody gives you a compliment, because you were told that feeling good about yourself is arrogant and off-putting. Doesn’t all such behavior appear immature and inappropriate, making you sometimes shake your head in disbelief?

These childlike reactions make sense only when you realize that they’re driven by a part of your subconscious that is stuck in the past. This part may still
perceive you as a young, small, and rather powerless kid. It doesn’t recognize that you’ve become a self-reliant adult and that your life is safe and enjoyable. Until now, you probably haven’t consciously realized that this younger self exists. But listening to your negative self-talk or recalling those moments of involuntary immaturity probably makes you understand that a part of you still hasn’t fully grown up.

Why does this childlike subconscious part continue to create negative self-talk and old self-defeating patterns—even though this behavior just reinforces pain and anxiety and doesn’t allow you to be happy, confident, and able to enjoy your life? The answer is simple: it doesn’t know any better because it has never been properly guided, encouraged, and reassured. This younger self believes that the same reasons that warranted anxiety and insecurity when you were a child are still valid today—and that you’re still lacking the strength, skills, and knowledge to deal with them any differently. The anxieties and limiting beliefs that are fueling negative self-talk can be deeply ingrained imprints that a part of your subconscious holds onto until it’s convinced that you’re no longer unsafe—or, as Carl Jung said, “until you’ve outgrown the problem.” The following processes will help you do both.

Let’s imagine that you’re with a child who is scared. He or she may say, “I’m afraid that I’ll fail” or “I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt” or “I’m afraid that nobody loves me.” How would you respond? Would you shout out, “Delete, delete, delete”? Or “Shut up”? Would you tell the child, “Yes, you’re right, you suck and the world is an unfriendly and dangerous place”? Or would you just ignore his or her concerns?

None of those options would be appropriate or helpful. Most likely, the child would feel even more frightened. What you
would
do is comfort and reassure, not merely with intellectual reasoning but with gentle, compassionate kindness from your heart. As a result, the child would feel heard, understood, and, most likely, safe and at ease again.

The part of your subconscious that creates negative self-talk and mind-racing responds in a very similar way because its roots are in your childhood. If you ignore the messages of this subconscious part or try to suppress them with frustration and disgust, it will continue to feel unsafe or even threatened by your efforts to stifle it. To grab your attention, this inner child will intensify
the decibels and frequency of its internal cries until you finally get its warnings and take the measures necessary to avoid pain and peril and to stay safe. Remember, this subconscious part is stuck in the past and does not realize yet that you’re no longer living in the same circumstances, that you’re no longer confronted with the same dangers, and that you’re no longer a small child with limited possibilities.

On the other hand, if you pay too much attention to this part of your subconscious and buy into its fears and insecurities, its anxious voice will still become louder, because now you validate its concerns.

So whether you’re ignoring, stifling, or buying into the fearful self-talk of the younger self, it will feel confirmed in its beliefs that it is indeed pretty much on its own and that you’re not to be relied on or trusted. But don’t think this is a no-win situation. There is a better way to deal with this inner, younger part of you, and that is to directly address, reassure, and appease this inner voice.

The following method is a major key to breaking through fear and anxiety and unlocking your untapped potential. It is so effective that, with it, most people can significantly reduce their negative self-talk within a few days. Keep this proven success rate in mind as you delve into this powerful exercise.

Buy a small notebook that you can carry with you at all times, and write down negative self-talk the moment you notice it coming up. This step helps you gain greater awareness of the frequency and the themes of your negative self-talk. Most likely you’ll realize that you’re simply rehashing the same thoughts with minor variations, depending on the specific situations or issues they spin around. These recurring themes and thought patterns are often reflections of deep-seated emotions, memories, and limiting beliefs. By finding the patterns, you will also shed more light on the root causes of the fear and anxiety you’ve been dealing with.

Negative self-talk can be disguised as a question, such as, “What if I lose my job?” or “Did I make the right choice?” or “Are my parents disappointed with me?” The negative thoughts behind these questions can be easily unmasked by changing the questions into statements: “I will lose my job.” “I didn’t make the right choice.” “I’m a disappointment to my parents.” Turning a worried or insecure question into a negative statement will reveal what you’re really afraid of and give you more direct leverage to counterbalance it.

After you’ve jotted down each negative thought, ask yourself:

     • Is this thought true?

     • Does this thought make me feel good?

     • Does this thought help me reach my goals?

Each question acts as a reality check and will help you appreciate that entertaining the thought is hurtful and gets you nowhere.

Let’s say you hear yourself thinking, “I look fat,” or “I’m not good enough.” You may feel that the honest answer to the first question, “Is this true?” would be “yes” or “maybe.” But you would probably answer the second two with a resounding “No! The thought makes me feel lousy, and it certainly does not help me reach my goals.”

Noticing and immediately questioning the legitimacy and usefulness of the self-talk has two major effects. First, you’re mentally taking a step back and no longer identifying yourself with the negative thoughts. You are switching the roles, from being the source of the negativity to being the more objective observer of it. Second, asking these questions interrupts the spiral of negative thinking before it gets out of control and you find yourself in a debilitating state of anxiety. Interrupting a pattern that used to run its course somewhat undisturbed is one of the most powerful methods of change. The moment of interruption is like a healing shock to your subconscious mind, a wake-up call that it can’t ignore.

A dog trainer once explained to me that to change a dog’s unwanted behavior, such as tugging on its leash in an effort to chase a squirrel, you need to catch the dog at the instant the pattern starts—in this case, the second the dog sights the squirrel and makes the first frantic pull on the leash. At this moment, the trainer first establishes a boundary by telling the dog “no” or “stop.” Then he quickly takes out a ball, throws it up into the air, and catches it, immediately diverting the dog’s attention. All the animal desires now is that ball, which is in the hands of the trainer—as is the dog. To further solidify who’s in charge, the trainer orders the dog to sit down and promptly gives it a treat or verbal praise as positive reinforcement. The trainer assured me that any unwanted pattern can be erased after only a few of these interruptions.

Assuming that our subconscious operates, in many ways, like the mind of a dog would be absolutely accurate and not at all degrading. Any species will
respond to boundaries, guidance, and rewards as a motivation to change a pattern. By asking the three simple reality-check questions, you signal to your subconscious that you’re taking back the reins and steering your mind into a new, more appropriate, and supportive direction.

In the same way a baby wants to be held in a firm swaddle or children need clear rules from their parents, this younger part of your subconscious desires and requires firm boundaries that will ultimately provide it with a greater sense of safety. However, as with children, establishing boundaries is in itself not enough, because boundaries can be easily misinterpreted by this part of your subconscious mind as a form of dismissal, punishment, or rejection, which might only increase the anxiety. This is why Steps 3, 4, and 5, which follow, are so important.

A friend, who is an excellent mother, once told me, “After I set a boundary [for my children], I bring my body position to their height, look them in the eyes, and help them focus on the positive aspects of the situation. At the end I always tell them that they’re OK and how much I love them.” Enforcing boundaries with a child doesn’t require withholding guidance, kindness, and love, and neither does enforcing boundaries with your subconscious. You need to treat your subconscious child with the same mindfulness and care that you would an actual child.

The minute you write down the negative thought, also write down convincing arguments that shed light on the opposite, positive points of view. Write down at least three positive thoughts to counterbalance each negative one. If your negative thought was “I’m not smart enough to perform this job,” don’t just counter with the exact opposite: “I
am
smart enough.” Instead, get creative. Talk about all the evidence that proves that you’re smart and intelligent. For example, “I have a high-school (or college) degree,” “I’ve been able to solve specific problems,” “I’ve had the following successes …” (list examples of successes you’ve had and problems you’ve solved).