The Fear and Anxiety Solution (17 page)

Mary finally made sense of her ongoing inner conflict. Subconsciously, she had associated work with being an adult and her career with something she’d
built and was in charge of. So when she donned her ambitious, empowered, professional persona, she couldn’t allow her nerves and anxiety to interfere with her work. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to advance toward and reach her career goals. On the other hand, from the perspective of her younger, subconscious protector, Mary’s professional persona appeared completely unsafe and irresponsible, because it often put her in what seemed to be high-risk, extremely visible situations such as business negotiations, presentations, and dinners with strangers—all of which exposed her to potential criticism, hurt, and rejection by others.

So how do you resolve a conflict between two sides that appear to follow such opposite agendas?

When resolving an inner conflict, the first critical step is to recognize that neither side is right or wrong and that both ultimately have your best interest in mind. It may seem difficult to accept that the anxious part you’ve been struggling with has far more to offer than just negativity. Or you may feel like you’ve been dealing with a conflict between two negative sides; for example, a fearful, insecure side is struggling with a much-resented inner critic who has beaten you up and worn you down, especially during the times when you could
really
use some reassurance and encouragement. I know you might wonder what positive aspects this inner fault-finder could possibly have. If helping you to avoid pain is one of the primary concerns of the subconscious mind, why would it cause you agony by berating, slapping, and kicking you—albeit “just” in your mind? This makes no sense. Or does it?

Sam had been asking himself that very question for many years. He’d been tormented by disturbing images inadvertently flashing across the inner screen of his mind for many years. Daily, he felt forced to watch himself being violently punished and beaten bloody by some unrecognizable person. He couldn’t help it. No matter how hard he tried, these frightening thoughts pushed themselves relentlessly into the forefront of his mind, leaving him emotionally drained and depressed. He often wondered, “Why do I do this to myself? I must have some form of severe mental illness.” Naturally, these thoughts didn’t help his already low self-esteem and confidence.

Sam told me that as a child, he was regularly beaten and slapped around by his father. Almost every evening before dinner, he received his punishment,
which was most often administered without Sam having done anything wrong. Sam’s father responded to his desperate pleas for mercy by saying, “Don’t cry, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Sam’s life as a boy was very confusing and unpredictable, and soon the only certainty he had was the daily dose of physical and emotional anguish.

At first glance, it may seem pretty obvious that the violent images that tortured Sam as an adult were nothing but vivid memories of his traumatic punishments. Yet every form of therapy he’d sought to relieve the effects of these traumas had failed, and a part of Sam continued to project these images onto the screen of his mind.

During one of our sessions, Sam recalled a day when he was in his early teens. He decided to beat his father at his own game by being the first one who caused himself pain. All he needed to do was to imagine how his father laid into him and how much it would hurt—before it actually happened. Sam figured that this way he would at least gain some control over the unavoidable torture. Can you imagine the desperation that led this young boy to such a survival strategy? Yet, at the same time, this was an ingenious method Sam’s mind had developed to give him some sense of control during completely disempowering circumstances.

In the beginning, this strategy worked. His father’s beatings weren’t as unbearable anymore because, in Sam’s mind, the punishment had already happened. Over time, Sam even gained some sense of self and personal power. Although he wasn’t able to control his father, at least he could control himself and how much he would allow the punishments to affect him.

When Sam was sixteen years old and strong enough to fight back, his father stopped using him as a punching bag. However, Sam’s self-inflicted internal beatings continued. While the images of being beaten to shreds relentlessly haunted him, Sam gradually forgot that they had once served a purpose. By this point, he was just irritated with this “cruel habit of his mind.” Irritation grew into frustration and anger, until Sam was consumed with hatred for whatever was inside him that kept torturing him in such a sick and malicious way. The first time we met, Sam had just turned fifty-one. His internal struggle had raged more than twice as long as his external troubles with his father.

Although Sam’s example may appear quite unusual and somewhat extreme, the theme of beating oneself up—for example, by using harsh, self-critical thoughts or self-defeating deflating comparisons with others—is rather
common. The protective intention behind this internal critic can be to keep you small, so that you don’t get in trouble with others, or to keep you on your toes, so that you don’t fail or slack off. And similar to what Sam experienced, the part of you that berates you and beats you down may believe that you’re better off rejecting and hurting yourself than having to endure receiving this pain from others.

Now you can see how our subconscious mind, including its negative parts—or I should say the parts we
perceive
as negative—operates, in general, with the intention of supporting us. As you may realize in the course of the following reintegration process, although some parts of our mind may appear completely anxious, insecure, and limiting, these aspects of ourselves are anything but expendable. In fact, the true strengths and abilities of the inner protector are usually extremely valuable resources that, when integrated, make us more whole, well-rounded human beings. The reintegration process provides us with the insights, leverage, and tools to not only resolve inner conflicts but also to align our subconscious with our goals and purpose, allowing us to access and utilize our full potential.

Maybe you’re wondering why, if the source of negative self-talk and the inner protector are identical, you couldn’t just use the negative-positive counterbalance self-talk exercise from
chapter 6
to resolve the inner conflict. The goal of counterbalancing negative self-talk is to reassure and comfort your anxious and, most of the time, younger self and direct its attention toward a more positive and brighter perspective. However, reassurance and comfort in itself doesn’t necessarily lead to a complete reintegration of that part, which may have been operating separately from the rest of your subconscious, fighting for its life to save yours.

The rewards of this reintegration process are multilayered and, for many of my clients, nothing short of life changing.

Peace of mind.
Reassuring your inner protector that there is no danger can quiet the voices and calm the anxiety. But reassurance alone doesn’t make this part resign from its job of protecting you. As long as a part of your subconscious holds on to its role as a guarding entity that’s separate from the rest of you, it won’t officially retire, no matter how long you feel safe and confident. Over time, this guarding part may start to step back cautiously and not interfere as
much with your life, but it will continue to be watchful, always waiting for that moment when the other shoe may drop or when your peace and safety could be exposed as just a deceptive illusion.

I’m always fascinated by the tenacity and dedication of this subconscious protector. I’ve seen many times that, when triggered, the inner protector not only kicks into full attack mode, but it also doubles its efforts to keep a person safe. It’s as if the fearful side that continued to respond to the early instinct for self-preservation is saying, “See? I told you that it’s not safe out there. I hope you’ll believe me now and let me do my job.” The reintegration process guides the inner protector back into the fold of your entire subconscious mind and also makes this younger self realize that it no longer has to be responsible for your safety and well-being, because as an adult you have developed other, more mature and resourceful parts, which can now take on this task. As a result, you will be left with a much greater sense of wholeness and peace within yourself.

Increased energy.
As you probably can attest, the constant battle with yourself and your resulting incongruences are enormous energy drains and distractions. Just as in a tug-of-war, two parties are pulling (in this case, your negative and your positive sides) in opposite directions, using up a large amount of energy without really getting anywhere. As we saw with Mary, when she heard the opposing voices, one in each ear, she didn’t have the energy or concentration to figure out who she was or what she should do.

A conflicted subconscious mind doesn’t operate at full capacity. Like a fragmented computer drive, a conflicted, fragmented subconscious takes more effort, time, and energy to accomplish normal tasks. In the same way a defragmented hard drive runs much more smoothly, a reintegrated subconscious functions as a whole much more efficiently, going far beyond the sum of its parts.

Improved health.
Wholeness and harmony are the foundation of health and well-being. It’s well documented that the emotional charge of inner conflicts, whether they’re caused by anxiety, anger, or depression, can impact your immune system. It’s entirely possible that inner emotional conflicts can also result in the predisposition for autoimmune diseases and cancer, where parts of your physical body are literally battling each other.

Access to your true potential.
The anxious or critical part has more to offer than it would appear. As you may discover in the following reintegration process, anxious or negative parts often possess great strengths and abilities. For
example, the very traits that lead to hypervigilance and obsessive harping can empower you with such qualities as tenacity, analytical awareness, and sensitivity—which are huge gifts. However, only when you’ve reintegrated that part of yourself into your subconscious mind can you tap into its true potential.

How can you establish wholeness and harmony when you’ve felt conflicted for most of your life? Is it really possible to understand and accept a negative part of you that has caused you nothing but pain, anxiety, or frustration? Yes, it is, and you can. In this six-step Parts Reintegration Process, we’ll start by identifying which part of you is fighting another and then work through the steps until these two parts can reconcile, appreciate their mutual purpose, and reintegrate to work with you and each other.

Here is a brief summary of the following six steps.

Step 1: who is fighting whom?
In this step, you discern the major anxiety-driven conflict, its theme, and the views of its opposing sides.

Step 2: what is the true identity of these parts?
Here you discover the deeper roots of the conflict and are able to connect to the subconscious parts that are involved in it.

Step 3: is there a higher purpose?
While each opposing part has pursued its own agenda, both have a greater objective in common, and they can strive for this objective together in the future.

Step 4: what are the true gifts and strengths of each part?
Until now, you may have viewed one side as negative, anxious, insecure, or critical and the other as positive, confident, and motivated. However, in this step, you’ll find out that each has far greater potential and abilities than you have assumed.

Step 5: how can these parts support and complement each other?
Since both parts have recognized that they share a higher purpose and each possesses valuable resources for you, they are now able to consider specific ways to collaborate rather than pulling in opposite directions.

Step 6: reintegration through love and appreciation.
In this final step, you are, on a deep, subconscious level, reconnecting both parts with the wholeness of your being.

This process, as well as some of the exercises in chapters 9 and 10, requires you to enter a relaxed and introspective place that allows you to connect and
work closely with your subconscious mind. To reach this place, I ask you to close your eyes during parts of the process, which is why you may want to familiarize yourself with the steps before you delve into them. You can read through the description several times until you have a grasp of what to do, record your own or somebody else’s voice reading through the instructions aloud, or listen to abbreviated versions of the steps by streaming them online.
¹
Before you begin this exercise, find a nice, quiet place where you won’t be disturbed, and get a pencil and paper so you can write down some of your insights. Writing down your thoughts will help you work through this exercise now and give you an opportunity later on to review your responses. You’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come.

Resolving any conflict first requires becoming acquainted with the adversaries. Who are they? What does each of them want? When it comes to your inner conflict, you may know the answers to these questions right off the bat, yet you may also feel that your mind is an enormous battlefield and that no part of you is getting along and playing nicely.

Think about the
areas
of your life where you feel the most stuck, anxious, or stressed. Were there other times when you felt the same way despite completely different circumstances? Can you trace back to when these patterns started?

Here are a few examples:

     •
Relationships.
You’re feeling lonely, and you long for a committed relationship. But whenever you meet a potential partner, you keep yourself from sharing your thoughts and feelings. As a result, you might come across as cold and aloof. You recognize that a part of you has always been very hesitant to let anybody get close to you. Looking back at your childhood, you might realize that a disillusioned parent told you that you shouldn’t trust anybody or truly rely on anyone but yourself.