The Fear and Anxiety Solution (18 page)

     •
Career/success.
You’re ambitious and strive for success in your career. But no matter how great your achievements, a part of you believes that you could have done better or that you’ll soon be exposed as a fraud. This pattern was already active in your childhood, when you may have
pushed yourself extremely hard academically or athletically because you wanted the approval of your parents or you were compensating for feeling left out by your peers. Yet despite all your accomplishments, you didn’t receive the recognition you were longing for.

     •
Weight loss.
You want to lose weight not only because none of your clothes fit, but because your joints have begun to hurt. Yet despite your efforts to diet, you still find yourself emptying a pint of ice cream at night. Looking back, you realize that in the times you did lose weight, you received too much attention or were hurt by someone who took advantage of you. As a result, a part of you believes that being in good shape is unsafe.

Although it is helpful to be able to pinpoint situations when the self-protecting, anxious thoughts were first set up, it isn’t essential for the reintegration process to work. If you can’t recall what may have prompted your inner conflict, just focus on how it shows up in your current day-to-day life.

How is this conflict reflected in your inner self-talk?
Your opposing parts may be engaged in a constant back-and-forth argument, which can sound like a heated inner debate or a bickering couple firmly ensconced in the pattern of their arguments. Or you may notice one side of your subconscious only during the times when its counterpart has temporarily retreated into the background. For example, say you’ve just paid off your credit card, received a compliment from your boss, or fit into your favorite pants for the first time in a year. The world is a good place. Your protector seems to have gone fishing, and failure or rejection is the last thing on your mind. But then, a few days later, you’re hit with an unexpected expense, find yourself struggling with a deadline at work, or hear your spouse lamenting that the two of you used to have much more fun together. Any of these things can trigger the voice of the worried protector, causing it to reappear in the forefront of your mind and push the confident part of you into the background.

How would you define each side of this conflict?
Here are a few examples:

     • “I want a relationship” versus “I don’t want to get hurt again.”

     • “I have what it takes to be successful” versus “I am afraid to be found out as a fraud.”

     • “I want to lose weight to feel good about myself” versus “I want to eat and gain weight because I don’t want to be noticed.”

You goal is to recognize the larger themes of each of the conflicting facets, such as the desire to be successful and appreciated versus the fear of failure or rejection, or the beliefs that you’re safe and that the world is a good place versus the beliefs that the other shoe will drop any minute and that nobody can be trusted.

What roles did each of the conflicting parts of you take on?
Assuming that one part in this conflict is anxious and insecure, what label best describes the way it’s behaving: the worrier, the invisible one, the chameleon, the pleaser, the critic, the saboteur, the rebel?

Also notice the opposite side—the side that might take more risks or reach for a larger life. When focusing on this side, do you view yourself and the world in a much more positive and empowering manner? Or is this risk-taking, positive part mainly angry, disapproving, or frustrated with the part that seems to be afraid or holds you back?

After step 1, you probably have a pretty good idea about the part of your subconscious that works to protect you and its opposing counterpart. Now you’re ready to connect directly and communicate with these subconscious parts to gain a deeper understanding about who they really are.

By the way, at the beginning of this process, you may wonder, “Am I doing this right? It feels like I’m making it all up.” Don’t worry. Yes, you’re making it up—with the support of your creative imagination, whose source and inspiration is your subconscious mind. So whatever bubbles up from that source is exactly what you’re aiming to work with. The less you think about getting the “correct” answer, and the more you allow the answers and sensations to come up, the easier it will flow. Ready?

Sit in a comfortable chair, feet on the ground. Rest your hands on your thighs, keeping a ten-inch gap between your hands. With your palms facing up, lift your hands a few inches above your thighs until your upper and lower arms are hinged to form a ninety-degree angle. Take three deep breaths, in and out, letting your eyes close as your breathe. Relax deeply and focus your attention within. If your arms begin to feel heavy and uncomfortable, you can bring your hands, palms facing up, back to your thighs. I will ask you at the end of this process to lift them back to their original, elevated position.

1. Connect to the “negative” aspect of the inner conflict.
Ask yourself what this negative aspect feels like—anxious, insecure, hesitant, confused, irritated, impatient, or just somehow negative. How does your body usually react to these emotions? Do you notice tightness in your chest, heaviness on your shoulders, or heat in your face?

2. Ask the negative part if it would be willing to communicate with you.
Wait for a yes or a no—which you may hear internally or feel as sensations—that tells you unequivocally whether this part is or is not willing to communicate with you. If you receive a no or just no answer at all, reassure this subconscious part that it’s completely safe and that you don’t want to punish, hurt, or get rid of it—even though you may have felt a lot of frustration with it in the past. You simply want to gain a better understanding of what this part is really about, and hopefully, in this way, better support it in the future. This reassurance will usually lead to a yes.

3. When this part has agreed to communicate with you, ask if it would be willing to come out and stand, as if it were a tiny person, on the palm of one of your hands.
Invite this negative part to choose which hand it would like to stand on—the left or the right. (You can also ask the part to choose between the left and the right knee.) When you get a positive answer from this subconscious part, and it actually feels as though it’s standing on your palm, thank and appreciate it for its willingness to communicate with you.

4. Connect to the opposite part, the part of your subconscious mind that is in the most conflict with the anxious part standing on your palm.
Recall the feelings and behaviors you associate with this aspect of yourself. Ask this part if it would be willing to come out and talk to you. Invite it to choose which hand it prefers to stand on. Sometimes you might have both parts wanting to stand on the same hand. In this case, you might have to negotiate and ask which one would be willing to go to the opposite side.

1. When one part is standing on each hand, turn your attention to the part of you that holds on to anxiety, and imagine in your mind’s eye what this part looks like.
Sometimes this part may appear as a person—maybe you, the way you look now or when you were younger, or maybe somebody else you know. Or you may find that this negative/anxious part looks more abstract—like
a cartoon figure or amorphous, maybe a dark blob. Some of my clients have even described their negative part as looking like a little devil, which is quite a scary distortion.

2. Realize its true identity.
Remember when you first experienced the feelings and patterns you associate with that part. For most people, this first experience will be some circumstance from their childhood. You may instantly recall situations from early in your life when you had already experienced these feelings of anxiety or insecurity. Imagine the negative part morphing into this younger self. Become aware of the posture, facial expressions, and the feelings this little self holds inside and holds onto.

3. What do you feel about this part now?
For example, are you beginning to embrace this part, or are you rejecting it? Do you feel compassionate empathy for this part, or do you want simply to get rid of it? This may be the moment when you begin to change your mind about this aspect of your subconscious, because you realize that no matter how negative it has appeared, at its core, it’s only a younger self who is still burdened and stuck with the events, emotions, and beliefs from the past. (If you don’t yet feel differently about this aspect, don’t worry. There are many more opportunities for you to heal the relationship with this part of your subconscious.)

4. When you’ve fully recognized and connected with this little negative/anxious part, shift your focus to the positive part standing on your opposite hand.
Again, imagine what this part looks like. How old is it? Does it look like you at the present time or a version of a more empowered self? Does it stand, sit, or move around? What does its facial expression tell you? Try to get a sense for what this part feels inside. What emotions are contained within this part?

5. How do you relate to this positive part of yourself?
Do you reject it or embrace it? Maybe you feel excited and hopeful, realizing that there is great potential inside you. Or do you envy it, or feel angry or sad because you haven’t been able to embody this side of you more consistently?

At this point, you have uncovered the sources of your inner conflict and hold both parts, literally and figuratively, in the palms of your hands. In a well-conducted mediation between two opposing sides, it’s best to keep the focus away from the details of the disagreements and step back to look at the larger picture to determine the mutual aim and purpose. Gaining this higher
perspective is the first goal for the third step of the reintegration process. Because both parts originate from the same source, your subconscious mind, it makes sense that they ultimately share the same intention and highest purpose for you—your purpose for living.

Are you intrigued? This common purpose may have been pushed to the background, especially for the negative and anxious part after it took on the role of the protector. As you already know, the root of the conflict stems from the anxious/negative part’s separation, or dis-integration, from the rest of your subconscious, enabling it to become a separate and seemingly stronger voice than the other parts. Reminding the two conflicting parts of their original purposes and their common source builds the bridge that leads them both back into the wholeness of your subconscious mind.

1. Ask the anxious part for its job description.
Turn to the “little you” that feels more negative and anxious and ask, “I know how you feel and how you’ve affected my life, but I wonder, what’s the purpose of what you’ve been doing in the past? What is your job?” Listen carefully to its answer.

Here’s an example of how such a conversation may sound:

    
Part:
I’m anxious. I create this critical self-talk (or avoid social events or procrastinate or whatever this part does) because I don’t want to feel hurt (or embarrassment or rejection).

    
You:
What’s the purpose of not getting hurt (or embarrassed or rejected)?
Part:
To avoid pain.

    
You:
So what’s the purpose of avoiding pain? (There may be a pause.)

    
Part:
To not get hurt.

    
You:
What is the purpose of making sure that you don’t get hurt?

    
Part:
To protect myself.

    
You:
What does protection do for you?

    
Part:
I will be safe. I will survive. (If this part, as an entity separate from the rest of your subconscious, is truly aware of its role as protector, you might hear, “We will be safe, survive …”)

    
You:
What’s the purpose of being safe and surviving?

      
Part:
To live.

At this point, you’re lifting this part beyond the wall of protective thinking and reminding it that there is more to life than safety.

2. Now it is time for this negative/anxious part to remember its higher, original purpose for living.
Say to it, “Let’s assume that you and I are safe and protected. What would this allow me/you/us to do in life?”

Initially, this question may be followed by a pause or “I don’t know.” Be patient, because the answer
will
come. This younger self has long believed that life is dangerous, a war zone, or a prison and that without its protection you’re in big trouble. There simply has been no time or opportunity for it to contemplate a new career.

Very often, the answers that surface will be things such as, “To grow and explore life,” “To live my purpose and follow my dreams,” or “To do whatever you choose to do.” As you continue to ask questions that delve more deeply—for example, “What is the purpose of growing, exploring life, or doing whatever you choose to do?”—you’ll eventually reach the greatest purpose of that part. This purpose could be to be happy, to love, to be free, to be whole, or to feel connected to everything.

The answers I’ve given you here are only examples. Keep an open mind and know that no response is right or wrong—whatever comes up is unique and perfect for you. Helping your anxious part to remember its higher purpose may take as few as two minutes to more than twenty. There’s no rush, and you can go through this process several times. Just remember always to treat this negative/anxious part of you with kindness and appreciation for being open to the possibility that there is a higher purpose and another way of supporting you than what it had pursued in the past.