The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (183 page)

A man.

What do men and public toilets have in common?

They’re both either busy or full of shit.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A sex-change operation.

Women are a bit like parking spaces. Normally all the good ones are taken. So occasionally, when no one’s looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, and give a blow job and open beer with her arse?

A Swiss army wife.

What’s long and hard and makes women groan?

An ironing board.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About five pints.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

What’s the most active muscle in a woman?

The penis.

Why are women like screen doors?

Once they have been banged a few times, they loosen up.

I like my women like my electrical gadgets: small, Japanese and bought on the street
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?