The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (192 page)

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” someone asks.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 fleet from the ground,” the blind man replies.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?”

“No problem – the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Did you hear about the Irish skydiver who fell to his death?

His flippers failed to open.

My doctor told me: “If you had X-ray vision and looked at your lungs, you’d never smoke again.”

“Too right I wouldn’t,” I replied. “I would be much too busy looking through girls’ underwear.”

Two nuns were enjoying a furtive cigarette at the back of the convent. One said, “We’d better make sure we get rid of the cigarette butts so mother superior doesn’t find them.”

The second nun says, “I’ve found a great invention called the condom that solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.”

The first nun is quite impressed and asked where she could get them. “You get them at the pharmacist’s, sister, just go in and ask.”

So the next day the sister went to the pharmacist’s and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist. “What can I do for you today?”

“I’d like some condoms, please,” said the nun. He was a little taken aback, but recovered quickly and asked, “Certainly, how many would you like? There are twelve to a pack.”

“I’ll take six packs, that should last about a week,” she replied.

The pharmacist steadied himself and asked, “Sister, so what will it be then? Ribbed, coloured, favoured or a French tickler perhaps? We have small, medium, large and extra large.”

The sister thought for a minute and said, “I’m not sure, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”

Life is like a box of cigarettes. You never know which cancer you’re going to get.

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

My wife asked me how I could carry on smoking with the knowledge that I was killing myself.

“It’s easy,” I replied. “I also know I’m killing you through passive smoking.”

Two Irishmen had a bad day while visiting the sperm bank in London. Patrick missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

Two prostitutes are in a lift. One says to the other, “Can you smell spunk!”

“Sorry,” says the other. “I’ve just burped.”

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They refuse to stop for directions
.

A seventy-five-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”