The Zombie Combat Manual (18 page)

The greatest caveat when selecting a chisel as your improvised zombie weapon is its length. Because of the nature of their intended purpose, chisel blades are often short and wide. Remember the parameters by which we selected a knife for close combat; the blade must be long enough to tap into the ghoul’s brain from the farthest point on the skull possible. If the chisel blade is too short, you may strike with your weapon, only to have the zombie continue lashing out at you in a frenzied attack.

The Kitchen

Step into an ordinary domestic kitchen and you will find an assortment of utensils that can perform well as makeshift weapons. However, whatever tool you select from this area to serve as an undead weapon should remain a weapon from that point forward. It is highly recommended that you not multitask with these items and do not return them to their original task of cooking or preparing food. Ingesting even the smallest amount of virus-tainted blood or zombie tissue is a confirmed death sentence. Although the chance of infection from a properly cleaned and disinfected weapon is low, the risk is not worth the benefit. Either commit to using an item from your kitchen as an instrument against the undead for the remainder of its life span, or choose an alternative weapon.

The most logical choice of improvised weapons around the kitchen is the vast selection of edged tools at your disposal. You may not have the time, money, or inclination to purchase a custom-made, Damascus-steel combat knife, but with a knife block on your countertop, you have several possibilities at your disposal. As we covered earlier, there are specific criteria when selecting your close-combat edged weapon—you will need a weapon with a nonserrated blade long and sturdy enough to penetrate the zombie brain. Given these qualifications, you can immediately eliminate paring and utility knives as choices; these blades are generally too short to serve your combat needs. Bread knives are also a poor choice, as they have both rounded tips and serrated edges. The length of a boning or scaling knife is acceptable. However, its thin, flexible blade may have trouble piercing through several layers of flesh, cartilage, and bone. The popular Japanese
santoku
is a possibility, but its major disadvantage lies in the low, sheepsfoot sweep of the blade’s point, which may hamper its ability to pierce the skull.

Given the aforementioned parameters required of all zombie weapons, you have a few choices from your knife block that can serve adequately in an undead encounter.

WEAPON EVALUATION: CHEF’S KNIFE

EFFECTIVENESS: HIGH
LIFE SPAN: 50+ ZOMBIE ENGAGEMENTS
SKILL LEVEL: VERY HIGH
AVAILABILITY: COMMON
COST: MODERATE

OVERVIEW:
The one essential tool for every professional and home-trained cook, the chef’s knife is also the best choice of weapon from your standard knife set to use against the living dead. Of the many types of kitchen blade available, the chef’s knife meets all of our requirements for zombie combat. Chef ’s blades generally come in eight- to ten-inch lengths, more than adequate for the task at hand. Some modern-designed chef’s knives have scalloped indentations that run along the length of the blade to prevent food from sticking during slicing tasks. This unique feature may also provide an advantage during zombie combat by enabling slightly easier withdrawal of the weapon from your adversary’s skull.

Just as with combat knives, quality and price points vary widely with kitchen cutlery. As this is a discussion on improvised weapons, it is recommended that you do not spend an exorbitant amount of money on a chef ’s knife specifically to use against the living dead. Should you have the time and financial means, purchase a quality, combat-specific blade. Regarding particular manufacturers, German-made chef’s knives hold a slight edge over their Japanese counterparts when it comes to zombie weapon suitability. Reputable German kitchen knives tend to be thicker and crafted from heavier stock. Japanese blades, though often sharper, tend to have thinner blades, making them more fragile in repeated combat engagements.

WEAPON EVALUATION: FRYING PAN

EFFECTIVENESS: MODERATE
LIFE SPAN: 200+ ZOMBIE ENGAGEMENTS
SKILL LEVEL: MODERATE
AVAILABILITY: COMMON
COST: INEXPENSIVE

OVERVIEW:
Although using this piece of cookware for combat purposes undoubtedly evokes images of slapstick comedy, a frying pan can function quite successfully as a weapon during a zombie attack. Of all the possible items in your cookware collection, this is your best option against an attacking corpse. The low sides and wide, flat bottom offer portability and a large striking surface. Given the wide variety of pans on the market, there are specific characteristics that you should keep in mind when choosing this unusual item to serve as an undead weapon.

Because the pan will act as a makeshift bludgeon, the most important trait for this tool is its need to withstand numerous blows to the undead skull without failure. It also must be heavy enough to shatter bone. As such, it is recommended that you avoid any pans that are not entirely manufactured from solid metal. Plastic-handled pans will not last more than a few blows against a zombie’s thick skull. It is also suggested that you avoid lighter metals such as aluminum, which will dent and warp before doing your attacker any damage. Your finest choice among materials is, without a doubt, cast iron. Forged from a single, solid piece of metal, the cast iron frying pan has a history of being passed down through generations for use in kitchens, campgrounds, and the great outdoors. Should you become proficient enough with this improvised weapon, it can be passed down to future generations to serve a very different purpose.

WEAPON EVALUATION: CLEAVER

EFFECTIVENESS: MODERATE
LIFE SPAN: 50+ ZOMBIE ENGAGEMENTS
SKILL LEVEL: VERY HIGH
AVAILABILITY: COMMON
COST: MODERATE

OVERVIEW:
The kitchen cleaver is another piece of cutlery that you may have at your disposal, especially if you live in an Asian household. Designed to chop through animal flesh and bone, the cleaver is most commonly used in the preparation of Chinese cuisine. Chefs from this part of the world often use this blade alone for every cutting task to prepare all their dishes. Their dexterity with this large, seemingly cumbersome implement can be as precise and delicate as a paring knife and as powerful as a chef’s knife.

As a zombie defensive tool, the cleaver has the potential to be a devastating close-combat weapon while also exhibiting some inherent shortcomings. Use of the cleaver is similar to that of an axe or hatchet. Because the cleaver’s blade does not come to a fine point, it is exclusively a hacking and slashing weapon. Decapitation should be your principal attack strategy with a cleaver, because striking the skull may damage the blade beyond repair after protracted combat engagements. The length of the typical cleaver is also quite short, forcing you to move in close to your assailant in order to initiate your strike, similar to the bludgeoning claw hammer. Force and momentum are the keys to delivering an incapacitating strike with this utensil. It is imperative that you keep this tool razor-sharp for maximum effectiveness.

WEAPON EVALUATION: ICE PICK

EFFECTIVENESS: HIGH
LIFE SPAN: 100+ ZOMBIE ENGAGEMENTS
SKILL LEVEL: VERY HIGH
AVAILABILITY: MODERATE
COST: VERY INEXPENSIVE

OVERVIEW:
No longer as pervasive a household tool, the ice pick still retains a notorious reputation as an improvised weapon among certain criminal organizations. Its original purpose was to chip smaller pieces of ice from large blocks. The ice pick has now achieved status as a quick and efficient improvised close-combat weapon, and rightly so. Its sharp, pointed spike can penetrate clothing and flesh more easily than many combat knives, and the thin, cylindrical blade profile ensures trouble-free withdrawal from the target with minimal splatter.

As an improvised weapon against the living dead, the ice pick is just as efficient. The pick has penetrating power that rivals most bladed weapons, which provides you several target options on the undead skull. The ice pick’s weaknesses are similar to those of any close-combat weapon. Its use necessitates being in close proximity to your opponent and thus requires a substantial level of speed and aptitude to wield effectively. Typical ice picks are also not exceptionally well made, hence their low price point. If you use this tool as your primary close-combat weapon, it is recommended that you carry a backup in case the pick fails you at an inopportune time.

The Stadium

Most families own a sizable quantity of sporting equipment for a variety of recreational activities. Because of the availability of items and the familiarity of use, you may gravitate toward selecting one of these tools during a zombie outbreak. Although any weapon is better than none, sports gear is your least favorable option. This is due to a single important reason: durability.

Most sports equipment that could possibly operate as a zombie weapon falls into the bludgeon class. This category includes instruments such as golf clubs, hockey sticks, polo mallets, and tennis rackets. Although this equipment was built to withstand the shock of striking a leather or rubber ball, experience has shown that in zombie combat, the failure rate of these tools is unacceptably high. These implements were not designed to inflict a great deal of damage. Quite the opposite, modern sporting equipment uses materials that are lighter, faster, and less likely to cause life-threatening injury from inadvertent contact—not an admirable trait when it comes to fending off a hungry ghoul.

As far as sporting goods that can serve as improvised weapons are concerned, only one item is worth evaluating in detail.