The Zombie Combat Manual (19 page)

WEAPON EVALUATION: BASEBALL BAT

EFFECTIVENESS: MODERATE
LIFE SPAN: 20+ ZOMBIE ENGAGEMENTS
SKILL LEVEL: LOW
AVAILABILITY: VERY COMMON
COST: MODERATE

OVERVIEW:
Possibly the most popular of all improvised weapons, the baseball bat is frequently selected by combatants as a weapon for both living and undead altercations. Though this implement may suffice against human opponents, research has shown that it is not the most durable weapon for undead combat. Traditional wooden bats have an average life span of only fifteen to twenty zombie engagements. Cricket bats, also made of wood, seem to exhibit a similar longevity. Bats constructed from aluminum stock have a slightly longer life span but also fall victim to dents and warping when repeatedly struck against the undead skull. Batting instruments made from higher-end materials such as composite fiber can cost hundreds of dollars and are susceptible to cracking and shattering in cold weather—not a good choice if you live in a frigid winter climate.

Although the baseball bat does not exhibit the best of life spans, it cannot be immediately dismissed as a poor choice for an improvised zombie weapon. What this tool lacks in resiliency, it makes up for in ubiquity and the required proficiency to wield it. Nearly all humans, regardless of age, gender, and experience with the sport of baseball, can swing a bat at an oncoming ghoul. Very little training is required to handle this weapon effectively, provided you know which areas to target. Most households, particularly those with children, will already have one of these implements handy, obviating the need to rush off and purchase a weapon should an outbreak unexpectedly occur. If you select this tool as your permanent melee weapon, be certain to inspect it for damage after each undead sortie.

Although sporting equipment does not make effective offensive weapons, some items can be used in a defensive manner. Pads and protective guards worn to minimize injury can be useful to shield against a biting and scratching corpse. We will discuss defensive gear in further detail later in this text.

Other Improvised Weapons

In trained hands, virtually anything can come to your defense against the walking dead; the leg of a chair, a piece of rebar, or a simple length of pipe can eliminate dozens of undead adversaries. If you find yourself embroiled in a combat situation, anything is better than facing the undead with only your bare hands. Once you are out of harm’s way and have the time to choose a weapon to use on a permanent basis, keep in mind the following attributes:

•
Resilience:
Remember, metal is better than wood, and wood is better than plastic. Before you settle on a weapon, make sure that it will be able to last for at least ten combat engagements. Strike it against several hard surfaces to test its hardiness. Your first few battles will help determine whether the weapon you have chosen can survive the long haul. Be sure to closely examine it after each zombie encounter (see the section later in this chapter for additional maintenance tips).

•
Flexibility:
Can the weapon perform other tasks useful to your survival, or is it solely a combat item? Having a unitasking weapon that can easily crush a zombie’s skull is fine, but a multitasking weapon that can also wrench open passageways, snip barbed wire, or split firewood is even better.

•
Mastery:
Regardless of the two previous attributes described, a weapon is only as good as the skill of its owner. A farming scythe may look impressive draped across your shoulder, but is useless if you cannot consistently use it to strike a single, terminating blow. Do not let pride cloud your judgment, and select a weapon best suited to your strengths and abilities.

WEAPON CUSTOMIZATION

Everyday tools can play a major role in your conflict against an attacking zombie. As we have seen, improvised weapons often are inexpensive, plentiful, and function just as well as some dedicated combat armaments. There is no doubt that a collection of found objects can form the cornerstone of your arsenal against the living dead. The greatest weakness of an improvised tool is its inherent nature as a piece of equipment not originally designed for combat. As such, the implement may require some modification in order for it to perform optimally in its new task: disposing of a walking corpse. Here are several ways you can customize your weapon to improve its tactical functionality:

•
Craft hand grips:
If your weapon is not comfortable in the hand, it will rapidly become tiresome to wield during extended combat engagements. This issue may not be immediately apparent, but after disposing of ten, fifteen, or twenty consecutive undead attackers in as many minutes, you will quickly comprehend how an uncomfortable grip can affect your performance. Slight hand discomfort can transform into painful, technique-hindering blisters. A few lengths of duct tape-wrapped fabric around areas where you typically grasp your weapon can make a world of difference. Grips also create a tactile surface, making it easier to retain your weapon should it become coated with fluid, infectious or otherwise.

•
File down edges:
If the improvised tool you have chosen already has natural edges and contours, refine them further by grinding them down to a sharper bevel. By doing so, you make items such as shovels, scrapers, and screwdrivers even more lethal against the undead. Military personnel commonly use this technique on their entrenching tools, where a sharpened blade transforms the implement from a run-of-the-mill ditch-digging shovel into a de facto battle-axe.

•
Create retention straps:
A dangerous misfortune that can occur during undead combat is the loss of your weapon. This may happen if a ghoul manages to grab hold of your weapon and wrench it away from you during its attack. (This situation is rare and unintentional, as a zombie grabs at a weapon not to disarm, but to close the distance with its target.) Only after extensive combat engagements will you realize how exhausting it can be to simply keep a firm hold of your weapon. Your forearms will ache, your fingers will throb, and the muscles in your hands may begin to cramp, making it difficult to retain your weapon with each thrust or swing. This is the reason why many traditional arms are crafted with a retaining strap that can be looped around your wrist, enabling better security of the weapon. Replicate these straps by fastening a length of rope, leather, or fabric to your improvised tool so that even when you begin to tire, your weapon will still be close should it inadvertently slip from your grasp.

WEAPON MAINTENANCE

Be it a scimitar, battle-axe, or garden trowel, every weapon is a tool—a tool that can fail you if it is not properly maintained. Honing your weapons is as important as refining your fitness and combat skills. Do not be lulled by the misconception that simply because hand weapons do not have complex moving parts, unlike firearms or other ballistic weapons, they require no systematic upkeep. Just as you would clean your pistol after extensive firing and exercise your physique to keep it in optimum shape, establishing a customary maintenance routine for your armaments will maximize their fighting capabilities. After every zombie encounter, you should perform the following procedures once you have reached an area free of undead hostiles:

•
Clean:
Using a soft, clean rag or paper towel, wipe down the entire weapon completely. Repeat this step several times, rinsing the cloth in between wipes. After the initial mopping in which you remove most of the extraneous fluids, spend the time to ensure that no blood, bone fragments, or cranial tissue have worked their way into the recesses of your weapon. If you have the time and resources, pass the entire weapon under warm running water. After a methodical scrubbing, dry your weapon thoroughly with a clean cloth. Do not ignore this last step, as water can corrode metal, weakening it and making it more susceptible to failure.

•
Inspect:
From tip to tail, closely examine every inch of your weapon. Note every dent, nick, or bend, and determine whether the reliability of the weapon has been irreparably compromised. Even the tiniest stress fracture can weaken the structural integrity of a weapon such that it may shatter upon impact during your next battle. This is another reason why using wood-based weapons such as staves or baseball bats is not recommended, because they are much more likely to falter in intense zombie combat situations.

Some cracks can be so minuscule that they can barely be seen by the naked eye, even with close inspection. A good way to determine whether your weapon has an unseen fissure is to rap it lightly against another hard object. Listen for your weapon to reverberate with a solid ring. If the tool makes an odd or buzzing sound, there is a chance that a fracture exists, which may result in weapon failure during your next engagement. If you hear the latter, strike it harder against a solid object, attempting to shatter it yourself. Better to destroy your weapon during a moment of security than to make this unfortunate discovery in the midst of an attack.

•
Preserve:
Keep your weapons in a constant state of combat readiness. If you are using a long-range weapon, make sure the head affixes to the handle solidly and without wobble. If you are using a bludgeon, make sure the handle wraps are in good condition and replace them if necessary. If you are using an edged weapon, sharpen it. Do not become lackadaisical and convince yourself that you will tend to it after the next battle. The unexpected nature of a zombie attack means that you will often be thrown in to battle when you least expect it. The less time you spend caring for your weapons, the more time you will need to finish off your undead adversaries with a slippery, filthy, or dull weapon.

EXTERNALLY-FUELED WEAPONS

Note that regardless of the combat range covered and types of armaments discussed, we have not included evaluations of weapons that are powered by external energy sources. This was a conscious decision. Although electric, gas, or battery-powered tools such as circular saws and electric hammers may indeed be obtainable and devastating against the walking dead, they are not recommended as your primary combat weapons. Two of these reasons are obvious: The heft of these devices and the racket they generate when powered on make them cumbersome in transport and obtrusive in combat. There are two more reasons that are not as apparent, but just as significant:

•
Splatter:
As mentioned in our evaluation of the sledgehammer, certain high-trauma weapons suffer from what is known as the splatter effect. Many powered weapons most certainly exhibit this trait, as they often create wide, indiscriminate spray patterns during combat, a result of their cycling, shark-toothed blades. These whirling edges can send contagious bits of flesh scattering several feet in all directions, making you and those around you more vulnerable to infection. Weapons of this nature are also notoriously difficult to clean. Once a power tool has been used in zombie combat, it is nearly impossible to thoroughly scour all the blood and tissue that accumulates within its gears. For every two minutes spent in combat, expect to spend an additional thirty minutes post-engagement cleaning the weapon.