Torn (23 page)

Patting the space next to me, I invited her to sit beside me. She looked reluctant at first but then quickly complied, understanding there was no escape for either one of us until we’d both said everything we needed to. Even in the dimness of her room, I was able to witness a light blush cover her skin. Why is she flustered?

Internally fumbling over my words, I counted to three then rushed out the question I needed answered. “I want to know why, after all these years, you’ve finally decided to return home.” There. I’d asked the one thing which had been eating at me since the night I kicked her out of my house. Unlike the last time, though, I wouldn’t blow up at her. I would take her answer as the truth. Maybe then I could learn to forgive and move on, wherever my life…our lives…chose to take us.

A lock of hair fell over her eye when she turned toward me. Before I realized what I was doing, my fingers trailed along her temple and rested on her face for the briefest of seconds before tucking the stray strand behind her ear.

Soft breath kissed my palm before I moved my hand away. Silence circled us, threatening to tear apart whatever progress we were making.

Hours before, I’d resigned myself to go along with my mother’s request of bringing both her and Holden to dinner, but I never expected any of the feelings which suddenly bombarded me. My urge to bury myself inside her was overwhelming, thoughts of ravaging her until the sun came up most certainly weighing heavy on my mind. That damn dress is partly to blame. The possessiveness I’d felt earlier when protecting her from Drayden was still raging inside, tamped down only to allow me the cognizance to deal with one thing at a time.
      

Something was slowly changing within me, and I prayed it had everything to do with Fate making shit right again.

Instead of looking away, she kept her lovely eyes focused on mine, her teeth doing a number on her plump lower lip. Oh, how I want to bite it. More strained moments passed before she answered my question.

“It’s a long story, Eli, but you deserve to know everything.” For a moment, I thought she was going to breeze over her explanation and give me some generic answer. But I recognized she was trying to make up for all that she’d done to me, even if the first step was being completely honest, no matter how difficult it was for her. And it was difficult. Her lip was taking the brunt of her nervousness, as well as those damn fidgeting, beautiful hands of hers.

Keeping my distance while still sitting close, my eyes followed her every subtle movement. Hesitation bled from her, making the air in the room more intense as the seconds ticked by.

“I ran away from someone,” she blurted, moving away from me to walk across the room and stand in front of the window. Her head hung in defeat, but there was no way I wasn’t going to push for the entire story.

Before I could stop myself, my instinct as well as my hurt driving the words from my throat, I bit out, “Did you promise to love him forever, too? Hopefully, you told him to his face instead of just leaving a note.” Punching the mattress beside me, I cursed a few times before rising myself.

Light sobs rocked her body, and I instantly felt like a shit.

The longest minute of my life passed before she calmed down. Approaching her carefully, she whipped around as soon as she sensed I was near. The sheer look in her eyes told me it had finally happened. Tears danced down her cheeks while her voice rose in tempo.

She was angry.

Finally.

Advancing toward me, she shouted, “You never stalked me, Eli. You never attacked me. You never beat me so bad I ended up in the hospital. You never shoved our son so hard he flew across the room.” Wiping away more tears, she took another step closer. “So no, to answer your fucking question, I didn’t profess my love to him for eternity. I had him arrested, packed up everything and left my job and the only life I’ve known for years to move back home.” Witnessing her mini-breakdown was heartbreaking.

Reaching out to touch her arm proved to be volatile. “Don’t touch me,” she cried. “Are you happy now? Kalista, the heartless bitch, got what she deserved.” Her breaths were choppy, her chest moving in quick succession as she tried to control herself. “Karma certainly exacted her revenge on me for leaving you.”

Without hesitation, I blocked her escape, the scared look in her eyes reminding me of a frightened caged animal. I had to undo the hurt, but I had no idea how. She’d obviously lived through something horrific, her and Holden both. The only thing I could muster enough courage to do was to pull her to me. She fought me, trying her best to push me away, but I hugged her closer.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, rubbing her back to try and soothe her. “I had no idea.” Many questions needed to be answered, but there was time for that later. I needed to comfort her, her distress rocking the both of us to our core.

Once she’d finally stopped struggling in my embrace, she wrapped her arms around my waist, tugging me tighter. And she cried. Again. I held her as she released the demons which had weighed her down for God knew how long.

Pushing her dark locks from her face, my thumbs brushed over her wet cheeks, wiping away the last of her sadness. She tilted her head and locked her beautiful eyes on me. Her bottom lip trembled, silently thanking me for my kindness in her moment of weakness.

“Kalista,” I muttered before lowering my lips to hover over hers. “I’m so sorry. For everything. I should have believed you when I asked you why you’d left. I should have given you a chance to explain without shutting you out. I was so angry,” I confessed. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated.

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Eli. I never should have left you. I know that now. Hell, I knew it shortly after I left. But it was too late to change the past.”

Our mouths were so close we shared the same breath. I didn’t want to overstep and take advantage of her while she was so vulnerable, but I wanted nothing more than to taste her again. I’d kissed her once since her return, but it was done in anger and frustration.

Everything is different now.

KALISTA

P
assion danced in his eyes, the sheer closeness of his lips tickling my own as he warred with himself.
What is he waiting for?
I needed to connect with him, yet he was holding back.

Our new dance was torture.

Deciding to make the decision for him, I closed the millimeter of distance between us and pressed my lips to his, reveling in the softness yet firmness of his delectable mouth. Neither of us moved for countless seconds, my mind running rampant trying to guess at what he would do.

Would he pull away?

Were we moving too fast?

It was four heartbeats later when he finally gave in to me.

To us.

“Goddamn it, Kalista. I need you so bad,” he growled, his tongue gliding over my bottom lip in the sweetest seduction. Parting my mouth, I welcomed his lust, my tongue dueling with his as he walked me backward to my bed.

His hands caressed my face, tipping my head to gain better access. Before I knew it, the back of my legs hit the edge of the mattress. Holding me steady, his kiss became more aggressive. He lowered his hands until he was gripping my arms, pulling me in to him roughly, nipping my bottom lip before he leaned back. Fear and wariness poured from him as he continued to gaze at me.

Releasing me abruptly, he backed up and shook his head quickly.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, reaching forward to touch him, but he only took another step away from me.

Hanging his head, he admitted, “I’m different now, Kalista. I’m not the same man you once knew.”

I was confused, not from his words, but more from the conflicted look on his face. “What do you mean?”

Silence. More fucking silence.

“Eli,” I urged. “Tell me what you mean?”

He raised his head to see my reaction. “I need to fuck hard. Rough. I can’t do loving and tender. I haven’t been that way since…”

“Since I left,” I finished.

A simple nod told me I was right.

My curiosity intensified
. Q
uestion after question fired from my lips before I could stop myself. “Are you into BDSM? Do you need to hurt women to get off? Do you need them to hurt you in return? Why do you need to have rough sex, Eli?” I felt as if I was talking to a complete stranger, and I guessed to a point…I was. He was a nineteen-year-old boy when I left. But standing in front of me was a thirty-three-year-old man, the harsh years of my abandonment certainly taking their toll on him, hardening him toward everyone he encountered.

Since I’d been the one to make him this way, I felt determined to be the one who
brought him back.
Back to my Eli.
And in order to do that, I had to experience the new way he liked to have sex.

I was a little fearful, however. After the night I’d had, I didn’t think I could do rough and hard. I needed him to be tender with me, to make love to me like he had all those years before. But I was willing to sacrifice what I needed in order to give him what he wanted. What he needed. I owed him as much.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he leaned forward and ran his hand through his hair. Tipping his head to the side so I could witness his expression when he spoke, he answered, “No, I’m not into BDSM, although I tried it for a stint.” He hesitated for a minute before adding, “Yes, I need to hurt the woman, and she me. But the pain always leads to pleasure, Kalista. I’m not a sadist.” When he saw the look on my face, he tried to reassure me. Sort of. “I don’t do anything drastic, so please stop looking at me like that. I can’t take it when you look at me like that,” he whispered before dropping his head again, hiding his entrancing eyes from me.

It took me awhile to find my voice, but when I did I didn’t waste any more time. “What do you need to do?” A simple question, but there wasn’t a simple answer. He’d admitted he hadn’t been with a woman in a gentle and tender way since me, which told me he needed the pain to numb the hurt and anger swirling around inside him. I wasn’t a psych major, but anyone with a brain could understand the reasoning behind his new
proclivity.

I guessed my biggest fear was that once he had his hands on me, he wouldn’t be able to control himself. After all, I
was
the woman who fed his new urge to be rough.

After careful deliberation, I decided I would try it his way, attempt to give us both what we needed. Him to be able to express this new side to him, and me to begin the healing process of what I’d done not only to his heart, but to mine, as well.

Sometimes, the only way around was through, right?

His words startled me when he spoke. “I need to be in control, manhandling the woman any way I see fit. Spanking is a big part, as well as hair-pulling and biting.” He grimaced before adding, “I’ve dabbled in breath control, as well.”

“Choking?” I screeched, quickly lowering my voice before I woke up our son.
      

“Yes, but I don’t
have
to do that.”

While taking my time to digest all of the information, he stepped forward and glided the back of his hand along my jaw. “I could never do any of that to you,” he confessed. “Although, there was a time when I desperately wanted to; it was all I dreamed of. But now…I just can’t.”

“Why?” I asked, curious what made me so special. Or not so special, depending on how I looked at it.

“Because I don’t want to taint the memory I have of us together. Back then. My life since you has been nothing but a long list of women, women I’ve had brief relationships with, if you can even call them that. I’ve never brought any of them home to meet my family. Not a single one.” He turned his back to me, his hand massaging the tight muscles of his neck. “I closed off my heart to them, only taking what I needed, when I needed it and how I needed it. They complied because they wanted to be with me.” It was obvious he was conflicted, and I doubted he wanted to look at me while he recanted his long string of fuck buddies, but I had to look at him. So I slowly walked around until he had no choice but to confront me again.

“Eli, I know what I did to you is unforgiveable, but please don’t let me be the reason you go through the rest of your life never experiencing love.” It broke my heart to say those words to him, because all I wanted was for him to take me in his arms and profess his undying love to
me
. To tell me he never stopped loving me, even when he was angry with me.

Even when he hated me.
      

Reaching forward, I laced my fingers through his, staring at our joined hands for a brief moment. The love I felt for the man standing in front of me never diminished over the time we’d been apart. It had only been put on the back burner while my faux life had been happening. I say faux because it wasn’t real. I was living simply to exist, Holden being the one bright shining star in my otherwise dark life.

And since I still loved him, I wanted more than anything for him to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with me.

When I returned my eyes to his, I blinked slowly and exhaled a deep breath. “I want you to feel love, Eli. We were over-the-moon happy back then, and I want that for you again.” Each word was like a tiny razor blade slicing me to pieces.
How am I not bleeding out right now?
I didn’t know how I would react to seeing him with another woman, even if it was five years in the future. Hell, I was jealous and heartbroken when Beth had shown up at his house, and that was before we’d crossed over to the place we were now, wherever that may be. Our relationship was still very fragile, the slightest kink threatening to unravel everything once and for all.