Torn (9 page)

Silence circled us. Reaching forward, no words falling from my lips, I grabbed her hand and pulled her inside the house. Immediately, I’d realized how much I missed her friendship.

“Jasmine,” I finally spoke, “how are you?” The past slipped away and it was as if we’d never been apart. A smile curved my lips as I stared at her, deciphering what her tears meant.

Was she still angry with me?

Was she happy to see me again?

I guess I’m about to find out.

Wiping her eyes, she stepped forward and brought me in for another hug, this one much quicker than her initial one. “I can’t believe it’s really you,” she cried. When she’d gathered herself, she stood tall and smacked me on the arm, more playful than hurtful. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were back?” Her wounded expression was a sight I knew I’d be seeing on someone else’s face, Eli’s image quickly rushing forward. But I pushed those intrusive thoughts aside, I wanted to focus only on my friend. My sister, of sorts.

“I haven’t told anyone I was back, Jas. I’m not quite sure how to deal with everything just yet, and I guess I was buying myself some additional time to figure everything out.” It was a lame excuse, but it was my truth. “How did you know I was here, anyway?”

“Melinda saw you around town the other day, and of course you know she loves to talk.” She laughed. “But I had to come by to see for myself. I would have come earlier but I had to wait for my husband to come home to watch the kids.”

After I directed her toward the living room to take a seat, I walked to the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of wine my mother had thankfully recently purchased. Two wine glasses, along with the bottle, were clenched in my hand as I walked back toward the couch.

We’d always been able to sit in a comfortable silence, but right then there was an uncertainty zinging between us. I prayed I had the courage to speak with her like I’d once been able to do.

“So, where have you been all these years?” she asked, breaking the quiet. Leaning back against the sofa, she crossed her legs and looked quite relaxed, although her expression spoke another language. She was full of unspoken questions and it was obvious she was going to give me hell in the very near future. But I guessed I deserved it. I’d not only abandoned the love of my life, I’d left her in the dust, as well. Casting her aside without another thought. However, even though that was the way it seemed, it was anything but.

I’d lost many nights of sleep because of the war of emotions raging inside my head.

“I moved to Vermont. I wanted to pick a place he wouldn’t think to look,” I confessed, my eyes closing as I remembered the day I’d left. Still ignoring the sadness in my friend’s gaze, I felt her fingers circle my wrist, pulling my hand onto her lap. My eyes opened and I witnessed Jasmine breaking down in front of me, causing me to mirror her actions.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she wept, pulling me into another hug. We stayed wrapped in each other’s embrace until we had both calmed. “I’m so angry with you,” she mumbled, reaching for her drink to help soothe her. I remained still, giving her the opportunity to say everything she needed to. I owed her at least that much.

“If it makes you feel any better, my decision to leave, although the best choice for me at the time, has tortured me every single day since.” Having Jasmine near me made me both extremely grateful and happy, but at the same time my past choice reared its ugly head, strangling me with an immense amount of guilt.

“Well,” she smirked, wiping away her last remaining tears, “it
does
make me feel a little better. I ain’t gonna lie.” Her short laughter rang out in the open room, relaxing me enough to be able to continue our talk.

Over the next two hours, we discussed the lives we’d both lived since the last time we’d seen each other. I found out she was married to a man she’d met in college and they had two beautiful children, showing me pictures from her phone. I was so happy for her, but I was also sad I’d missed out on celebrating the milestones in her life. Her wedding day, her pregnancies and every day in between and since.

I did my best to veer the conversation to her and her alone but eventually, I had to answer her questions. Starting with what I’d done to support myself, working as a radiologist technician, and ending with brief accounts of men I’d dated, nothing turning into anything too serious.

There were a few details I wasn’t prepared to share with Jasmine, not just yet, but the decision was thrust from my hand when I heard his bedroom door open. Light footsteps sounded above us, drawing not only my attention but hers, as well.

“Is your mom home? Did we wake her up?” I wished with everything in me that was the case, but she was about to find out it wasn’t.

The noise overhead began to descend the stairs, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I could have lied and told her it was my mother, ran to the stairwell and helped to protect my secret a little while longer. But sitting with Jasmine tonight, I knew it was best not to hide anything from her anymore. I craved her support and understanding, and this was the first step to helping me rid my guilt.

Rooted to my seat, I waited for him to come around the corner. And sure enough, in no time at all, he made his appearance.

“Mom?” he called out. “Who are you talking to?” He shuffled forward, his hands wiping the sleep from his eyes as he approached. His dark hair was sticking up all over, making him look so freaking adorable. He hated when I used that word, but I couldn’t help myself.
‘Adorable is for little kids, Mom,’
he would say. All of thirteen and he viewed himself on the verge of adulthood already.

As my son came to stand beside me, his slim hip resting against the arm of the sofa, I saw him glance from me then over at Jasmine, fully awake as he smiled at her. He was handsome beyond belief, every bit his father.

My son’s name was Holden Eli Ellington. The decision not to take his father’s last name was difficult, but in the end, it was what I deemed best.

“Holy shit,” my friend exclaimed beside me, inching forward so she could garner a better look at my boy.

Looking confused, Holden nudged me with his arm and jerked his head in her direction. I’d totally lost my manners, and he’d just called me out on it. “Sorry, honey, this is my friend Jasmine. She stopped by to chat. I apologize if we woke you.”

Leaning over me, he extended his hand in greeting. He was forever the little gentleman. “Nice to meet you. I’m Holden.” He grinned, his smile infectious as Jasmine beamed from ear to ear.

“Nice to meet you, too, sweetheart.”

Patting him on his backside, I said, “Why don’t you go back to bed? I’ll be turning in soon, as well.” Knowing I was going to be given the interrogation of my life, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, the time already well past when I would normally stay up.

“Okay,” he agreed. Bending down, he quickly kissed my cheek before repeating, “Nice to meet you,” to my friend.

“You, as well, Holden.”

As soon as he was out of earshot, she turned her body toward me and demanded, “Out with it, Kalista. All of it.” She poured herself another drink and settled in. “I have so many questions. Jesus, woman, he looks exactly like Eli.” Shaking her head, her eyes were wide as she waited for me to speak.

I knew Holden was the spitting image of Eli, but to hear someone else acknowledge it shot me straight through the heart. No one knew who his father was—besides my mother, of course—but I guessed there was no hiding it anymore.

Whenever my son asked me about his father, I’d simply told him we’d separated when I was still pregnant, and I hadn’t heard from him since. Of course, I left out a lot of details, the guilt eating at me every single day. I hated I’d taken the chance away for both of them to get to know each other, but I’d thought I was making the right decision. But the thoughts of a nineteen-year-old girl are much different than those of a thirty-three-year-old woman.

When I knew silence wasn’t an option any longer, I started talking, hoping I would feel a brief amount of relief once I’d told her whatever she wanted to know. To be burdened down with secrets was too much for the soul, the only solace being able to expel the weight of it all. “What do you want to know?” I waited, watching her lips twitch and her eyes squint as she was thinking of her first question.

“Why did you leave? Why did you take off and not tell anyone where you were going?” She placed her glass on the table and nestled into the cushions for my tale.

“It’s complicated, Jas. The only thing I can say is that I wanted what was best for Eli. And at the time, that meant for me to be out of his life.” Seeing her confused look, I told her my reason for the disappearing act. “The way his eyes lit up when he talked about going to law school…well, there was nothing like it. I think deep down, he wanted to prove something to his father, but he would never confess to such a thing. His parents separated when he was younger, and his dad wasn’t really involved in their lives too much after that. The more the days went by, the more he would talk about where our lives were headed, making big plans. I tried to ask him what he would do if those dreams never came true, and he would answer with a simple, ‘Nothing will get in the way of our dreams.’ I knew he was only being positive, pushing us both to accomplish everything we’d talked about, but I felt stifled, especially after I’d found out I was pregnant.

“Knowing a baby would throw the biggest wrench in our plans…his plans…I made the decision to leave. I took the coward’s way out and left him a note. I knew if I told him face-to-face, he would convince me to stay, ruining his dreams before he saw them to fruition. And I couldn’t live with that kind of regret.” I took a breather, feeling good I was able to talk to someone about what had happened.

“But didn’t Eli want to see his son?” she innocently asked. The grimace on my face gave everything away. “Oh, my God! He doesn’t know?” Shaking her head in disbelief, she stared at me for a few, very long and agonizing seconds. “Please, tell me Eli knows Holden exists, Kalista.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Tears welled and before another word slipped from my lips, I broke down.

She gathered me in her arms, offering me the comfort I was so desperate for. “Shhh…,” she calmed, stroking my hair as she gently rocked me.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I sobbed. “I ran into Mike the other day, and he already told me he was going to tell Eli I’m back in town. It’s only a matter of time before he sees Holden. And you saw my son. There is no denying who his father is. No denying,” I repeated.

“You’ll figure it out, honey. Just take some time. I’m sure you’ll figure out what is best for you and your son.” I appreciated her words more than I could ever express, her compassion and understanding the heady concoction I’d needed right then.

A short while later, when we were both more than exhausted, we agreed to meet for lunch later in the week, rekindling our lost friendship a necessity.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to tell Eli Warner he’s a father.

ELI

A
whole week had passed since Mike told me the one woman who’d destroyed me was back home. Still in shock by the news, I’d done nothing besides work and lose myself by fucking Beth. I knew I should have ended our arrangement because she was becoming too attached, but I needed to take out my hurt sexually. And she was the person to help me.

Every time I buried myself inside her, all I could think about was Kalista. It was getting worse every day, that night being no exception.

The excitement in her eyes annoyed me. I knew I was being cruel, but I found I couldn’t help myself, my heart shattering into tiny pieces every time she barreled through my head. The least I could do was warn Beth I was feeling exceptionally frustrated, so that was exactly what I did.

“Are you up for a little something extra tonight, sweetheart?” I asked, circling her as if she was my prey. And I guessed, in a way, she was. Before she answered, I reached out and snatched her arm, my grip tightening the more time passed in silence. She winced as I pulled her close, but I saw she enjoyed my aggression. Too bad she had to go and develop feelings for me.

“Answer me,” I growled, dipping my head so my teeth grazed her neck. Latching on, I bit down, making sure not to break skin. Her response was a deep inhale, moans falling from her mouth as she moved closer.

“Yes,” she breathed, her eyes fluttering in excitement. “Anything you want, Eli. You know that.”

“Good answer,” I responded, whipping her around so I didn’t have to look at her face. The only woman I wanted to see right then was Kalista, and I wanted to punish her with my body, fuck away all of my anger.

Gripping the hem of her dress, I pulled it over her head and threw it to the floor. She turned her head, reaching back to touch my face, but I halted her with one harsh, “No.” She stilled and turned back around to face the bed. Unclasping her bra, I removed the material before ripping her panties from her body, leaving her completely bare for me to do as I wished.

No, as I needed.