Unsound: A Horizons Book (36 page)

“Remember when her mom came up? The next day, Julie was even further into herself? Well, maybe you didn’t notice since you were so wrapped up in the supermodel,” Chris didn’t notice my nostrils flare and his expression darken another shade and pressed on, “her mom came back to talk to her. Looks like Mrs. T wasn’t so innocent after all.

“Imagine for a minute, that you were raped for years by a man your mother trusted. By someone who was supposed to be a role model and a father figure. Then imagine that, surprise! Your whorish bitch of a mom knew the entire time. She never stopped it. She was even jealous of you, part of her was glad you went away, saved her marriage.

“After years of kicking the shit out of yourself, allowing others to hurt you to feel less guilty. Hanging on for another hit to numb the pain. Then finding out, your ultimate protector, your own mother, wasn’t on your side. She even thought you… asked for the attention.”

Chris looked over at Jon who was staring at his hands, which were balled in tight fists of rage. “I love Julie,” Chris said quietly, bracing himself for my anger to turn towards him, “not in the same sense that you do. But I do have love for that girl. I am so angry at her mom. I’m so sorry for all she’s been through.

“Julie wanted to confide in you and Marina was thrown in her face.

“I tried to talk to her before she left, but she wasn’t having it.

“You did that at the best time. What’s better than two six-hour plane rides to sort out her feelings for you.

Yeah, maybe that’s what I’m scared of.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.

We have only today. Let us begin.
”

Mindy

“Mindy!” Jon and Chris greeted me, “welcome back! How are you?”

“I’m good,” I said, truthfully, “thanks guys. Julie’s back too, in the cabin,” I said specifically to Jon.

“Thanks,” Jon said as he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug before he ran out of the cabin in his pajama pants with his shirt and shoes in his hand.

“Thank God she’s back, he’s been so weird lately. I’m really happy to see you though,” Anthony said, having just come out of the bathroom as Jon ran out.  He gave me a hug too.

“Thanks guys. I really am happy I’m back home. Where’s Jason,” I asked. Saying his name set off butterflies in my stomach. I don’t know why I was nervous to see him.

“Shower,” Anthony responded.

“Is it okay if I hang out in here for a bit, till he’s done?”

“Sure, we were leaving anyway,” Chris said, tying his shoe.

“You’re okay?” Anthony said, before opening the front door.

“Yeah guys, I’m good. Really,” I assured them.

Then I was alone. I could hear the shower, the exhaust and a shower radio. Jason had no idea I was there. I walked over to the bathroom and called out his name, but he didn’t hear me.

I’m not quite sure what got into me, but I just wanted to be as close to Jason as possible. I wanted his arms around me; I wanted him to make me feel safe.

I didn’t know how much longer he would be in the shower, so I quickly undressed and folded my clothes in a small pile on a sink. I walked up to the shower and took a deep breath as I reached my hand up to the curtain. I knew it would scare him, but I was scared too.

I pulled the curtain back and my eyes immediately met Jason’s. He had heard me call his name.  He knew I was in the bathroom.  But I don’t think he was ready for me to be standing naked in front of him.

“Mindy,” he said warily, “are you okay?”

I didn’t answer, I was sick of that question. I stepped into the hot shower and pulled the curtain shut behind me. I looked up at Jason and pulled his face towards mine, kissing him deeply.

Jason responded immediately, tensing up, then softening into my kiss as he pulled me closer to him. The water poured over us, and I hadn’t said a word to Jason, but nothing was more perfect than that moment. I wanted Jason to know how I felt about him. I wanted him to have all of me. As the water poured over us, I made sure everything I felt poured into that kiss. 

“Mindy…” he said, pushing back a little to see my face.

“Don’t,” I said, “don't ruin this. I want this too. You and me,” I tried pulling Jason back to me, but he resisted, “what’s wrong Jay?”

“Well, if you really want to do this with me, I think I get the right to a little peek… I wasn’t really looking when you walked in here….”

I laughed and pulled him back to me. As the water turned from hot to lukewarm, Jason pulled away again and turned the water off, “wait here. Let me get you a towel.”

Once I was dry and in his bed, my senses started coming back. I had questions forming in my head.

“Do you really think it’s a good idea, this? You and me?” I asked, watching Jason walk around the windows, looking out before drawing the shades. He was the sane one. He was supposed to know what the right thing was.
What if trying to be together ruined our friendship and the whole thing imploded?
 He didn’t answer until he came back over to the bed.

He leaned over the bed to kiss me gently, "I didn't realize it until you came here, but I've wanted to be more than your friend for a long time. It killed me that I couldn't go to Virginia with you. That I couldn't be there for you. I want to be the one who takes care of you, makes sure you're safe."

"I thought about you all the time. I missed you," I admitted. It was so hard for me to talk about my feelings but I owed it to Jason to try. He didn't push me. It was something I loved about him. He got me without forcing it. 

My body started to shake at the realization. Jason felt the tremble but only crawled next to me under the covers and pulled me against his chest. He didn't ask if I was okay. He didn't ask me what was wrong. 

"I think I love you," I said quietly into Jay's chest. I could hear his heart beat double-time as he held his breath but I wouldn't look up. Finally, he let his breath go. 

"You only think you love me?" He said and I could hear the smirk on his face. I resisted the urge to punch him, "cause I'm pretty sure you do."

"You cocky, son-of-a," I started but Jay spun us so I was on my back looking up at his bright blue eyes. He rested his weight on his forearms so he didn't crush me.

"I'm fucking in love with you, Davies. You make me so fucking happy. And you can keep pretending that you're not sure, but if you feel half of what I feel for you, I'm okay with that.

"Now..." He continued as he looked down at our bodies, "you were gone for too long. You owe me."

"Oh, I owe you?" I said with a laugh, "what's wrong with you?" Jason response was to, just kiss me hard.  Everything felt right. I was supposed to be here. Jay and I were meant to be in each other's lives. That's why we found each other again. I kissed Jason back with as much passion as he had for me. My body just responded naturally to him. Like this was how our relationship was always supposed to be. 

Like the first time, Jason was gentle but precise and every touch was incredible. All thoughts stopped and I concentrated on being with Jason.  

  JON

I was so excited Julie was back. I needed to see her, needed to talk to her. Hug her. Kiss her. I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. 

There wasn't one, so I pulled my shirt and sneakers on before knocking again. I imagined Julie was still holed up in bed, depressed. I was excited to tell her she didn't have to be sad anymore. That I was wrong and sorry. 

I knocked again, but didn't hear anyone inside. I pushed the door open and peeked inside. No one was there. I felt a rush of disappointment. I walked over to Julie's bed and sat down. It had been a while since she had been there that I couldn't smell her perfume anymore. 

I didn't know if I was disappointed that Julie simply wasn't there or that Julie wasn't there still being sad about me. I had to learn how to not be such a selfish prick. 

I got up to leave when the door pushed open and someone walked in. The disappointment grew when I saw Marie instead of Julie. She screamed when she saw me. 

"Sorry, Mah," I said, standing with my hands splayed open in front of me. 

"God! Jon! I didn't expect you in here," she said as she caught her breath and walked further into the bunk, "Julie's in Jeff's office."

"Jeff's office?" I parroted like an idiot. 

"Yeah. I saw her go in there with Lena. Everyone looked serious," she commented. I started for the door, ignoring anything else she may have to say. 

"Thanks," I called over my shoulder as I walk out the door and jogged over to the main hall. 

Julie

My palms were sweaty. I had made my decision clear to Lena but for some reason, it was harder to tell Jeff how I got to my conclusion. 

"Welcome back," Jeff said with a grin that eased my nerves slightly. 

"Thanks, Jeff," I said with a smile of my own. I was happy to be back. After my realization in Virginia, everything just felt like it was falling in place and I knew what my next steps were going to be to take control of my life. 

I took a deep breath and recounted to Jeff what I had discussed with Lena and Mindy back in Virginia. 

I didn't want to press charges and I stood firm on that. The last thing I wanted was to prolong this nightmare. It made sense to me that Ronnie wouldn't hurt my sister. I had to believe it was true because if I didn't have that hope, I had nothing. She only had three years left of high school and it was my goal to have my life together.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wanted to make a difference for kids like me. I didn't want to be a teacher. That was so cliche. I wanted to be a social worker or a lawyer. I figured it would depend on my grades in college weather I would go to graduate school or law school. Either way, I had a long road of school ahead of me. 

My grades were impeccable. I made sure of that. I knew they had to be if I had any hope of getting into a good college with my record. Now I had to hope they were enough to pull a scholarship. If I got my life together, my sister could maybe come to me. And if Ronnie laid a hand on her, he and my mother would both spend the rest of their lives in jail. I would make sure of that. But I had to be prepared for that first. 

"I'd like to start taking SAT and ACT prep classes," I started winding down my list of goals. I had written them all down on a piece of paper but I didn't take it out during my spiel, I had it all memorized:

1. Get emancipated from my mother 

2. Ace my SATs and any other standardized test I needed. 

3. Get into a good college 

4. Make sure my sister was taken care of

5. Get an apartment and a part time job and anything I might need to survive on my own

"We can put some classes together for you Julie. I actually think it's time that I start putting all of that into gear. I've been selfish about letting you guys move on. Usually it's up to your specific group counselor but I've held onto more control with the Mountain Climbers than I should," Jeff admitted. 

I smirked, "that's why you guys have been fighting? Power struggle?"

"We have not been fighting," Jeff and Lena said together. 

"Convincing," I said, the smirk still on my face. 

"Well you seem to really have your plan mapped out, Jules. Next step is bringing the others in on the plan. I think we need to have a group meeting," Jeff looked at Lena who nodded in agreement. 

"There's a lot happening right now with everyone and I think there's gonna be some changes."

I nodded but kept my mouth shut. I didn't know if I liked change. 

"It's already late, let's talk to everyone at breakfast," Lena suggested, "you probably want to get some sleep or relax and what not."

"I get it," I commented as I stood, "you two want some alone time. Maybe you guys can figure out how to handle that power struggle." I ended with a wink as I backed myself out the door with a wave. I closed the door quietly, but my chuckle died in my throat as I turned and found Jon sitting on the bench. 

"Fancy seeing you here?" I said quietly as I sat next to him. 

"You don't know how good it is to see you, baby" Jon said, barely above a whisper. 

The endearment took me by such surprise that I looked into Jon's eyes to see if he meant his words. I felt my breath catch as I looked into his GREEN eyes. He meant his words. And so much more. There was so much emotion in his eyes that I felt my head spin and my pulse speed up. I would never not be affected by Jon when he looked at me like that. Like I was his world. My brain was going fuzzy and I had to break eye contact to keep my thoughts clear and sane. 

I had another list of goals specifically for Jon.

 I decided to hear him out but at group session the next day, I was going to lay it all out. He had to know everything. No more secrets. Jon was going to get every bit of my past and then he could actually decide if he wanted me for good. If he did, then I was his for the taking. 

“I made a huge mistake,” Jon started, “I let my pride get to me – I cared about something that should never have even mattered to me. What happened in your past… what happened in
my
past, that’s where it all is. I forgot that you’re trying to move forward from all the heartbreak just as much as I am.

“I don’t even deserve you.  I’ve been such a selfish asshole.  I never once thought about you and how you felt. I know you’ll never be able to forget. But I really hope you can start to forgive me, and that I can work towards gaining your trust. I want to say again, but I don't think I full had it. You knew you had to hide things from me and I understand that. The trepidation to talk to me… I pulled it all out of you, I forced you before you were ready, before I was ready, and then I abandoned you for the fall out.

"You are the most beautiful, vibrant girl I’ve ever gotten to know.  You are honestly the most caring, amazing person inside and out and all I did was add to your misery.  I didn’t help you, I did what all those other men in your life have done.  I let you down.

“I realize that what there is between us now, or at least… what I hope we can find again, I realize that it’s the future, it’s the present.  And I don’t want to forget the past, I just want to help it shape you and me. Everything that I said over Christmas, everything that happened between us that week – that was real.  That was now.  That was you trusting me and letting your guard down and forgetting the past and I’m sorry I ruined it."

I stared at Jon for a few moments. I was speechless. His words were beautiful. His words were everything I wanted. But I had a plan that I had to stick to. Maybe it was a test, but I would never stop taking care of myself and if this test protected me from future heartache, so be it.