Unsuitable (24 page)

Charlie,
Etta, Neeva, Gin, Flip, Sky, Audrey, Mia. All the women in his life had this to
deal with because of a chromosomal difference, because men could be pigs.

He’d
had raised eyebrows and snickers, he’d been marginalised and lost out on jobs. He
got how gender discrimination worked. But he’d had five minutes of being
harassed by women he knew and liked, who were doing it as payback in fun. Audrey’d
had to build a career in spite of it. Etta had already had a man take advantage
of her. His own father was a loser dead-beat he’d never meet. It made his
knuckles buzz, like they’d done before a fight and he knew he was going to hurt
someone who’d stupidly bet on hurting him instead.

“They
didn’t mean it, with you. They were just stirring.”

“I
know.” He looked over Audrey’s head to the horizon, but there were no answers
there either. “I was thinking about all my girls. Charlie, my sisters, you and
Mia. I hate that’s the world you have to live in.”

Audrey
stepped in front of him, her arms went around his waist and she pressed her
face to his chest. He hugged her in the middle of the walkway. Maybe for Etta,
the twins, Flip and Mia it would be different. He’d do anything he could to
make it so.

Audrey
lifted her face and he bent to kiss her, her mouth opening to him, the scent of
her filling his head, and the fact she hadn’t taken his hand on the beach didn’t
bother him as much anymore, she was kissing him here where anyone could see.

He
went from pissed off at the world to turned on at warp speed. He broke the kiss
and took her hand. She needed light cardio, he needed heavy petting. Seclusion would
kill two birds. He spun her around to face forward.

“Where
are we going?”

He
took her hand. “To get wet.”

“Oh
God, no Reece. I don’t have swimwear.”

“Not
that kind of wet.”

She
let him drag her up the coastal walkway. He went too fast, his stride too long
and he couldn’t seem to slow it down. He had her out of breath at the top. She
laughed between gulps of air, bent forward, hands to her knees. “You’re sacked
as my personal trainer.”

“I
want you.”

She
straightened, the laughter still in her. “You’ve got me.”

She
looked confused and breathless and he was going to have to pace himself, but
he’d been semi-hard since breakfast. “Do you trust me?”

They
were at the end of the pathway where people about-faced and went back the way
they’d come. Below them was a flat bed of rock exposed at low tide. You
couldn’t see all of it from the path. They’d only met one other couple walking,
retracing their steps to the beach. No one was fishing. Middle of the work week
they had the place to themselves.

Her
chin shot up defiantly. “You know I do.” She knew he was up to something.

He
put his hand in his back pocket. He had to push a vision of himself at fifteen
out of his head. He pulled out a condom, bought that morning along with petrol,
showed it to her in his palm. He wasn’t fifteen and fumbling anymore, but this
was so new it had an edge to it that spiked his angst.

She
squealed, clapped her hands over her mouth. “Not here.”

He
reached for her, dragged her close. “Down there.”

Her
eyes went wide, flitting from where he’d pointed, to his face. “Reece, no.”

He
tilted her head up, widened his stance and kissed her as tenderly as he could. She
was flat lipped, and then her on switch tripped. She opened her mouth and her
body to him with a groan.

“I
want you too.”

They
kissed on the path until the kiss wasn’t enough, then she let him lead her down
the rock-cut steps to the tidal platform below. It was deserted, dry, baking in
sunlight and reflected warmth. He picked a spot where he could see the steps,
where she’d be sheltered behind an old cliff fall, where they were as safe from
exposure as possible on a rock ledge ten metres to the sea.

She
held her next squeal but it was in her expression. “We can’t do this. Not here.”
He shucked his shirt. “Oh God, Reece, that’s not fair.”

He
cocked his head, opened the stud on the top of his jeans. In summer they’d have
had less clothing on. He considered their shoes, he should keep his on. He’d
protect her feet. “Top off.”

She
shook her head. “Too cold.”

He
opened his arms. “I’ll keep you warm.”

She
stayed where she was, stared at him like she looked at Mia when she was out of
bed for the umpteenth time at night. Then she broke and stepped into him, her
hands going to his ribs.

They
kissed, and he got her jacket off, her top. He got her bra off too, mastering
the hooks with a twist of his fingers, and by that time she was into this,
stopped thinking about where they were and what he wanted them to do. He wanted
her legs wrapped around him. He’d take her standing. She was more than into it
when her nails hit his shoulders. He went to his knee and undid her shoes,
slipped them off with her socks so she didn’t feel stupid in just socks,
because she would.

Her
hands were in his hair. “This is crazy.”

He
smiled up at her. “We can stop.” It might topple him over, he’d need resuscitation,
but he’d do it for her.

“Don’t
even think about it.”

He
stayed on his knees to peel her yoga pants off. She shivered as he drew them
down her legs, lips following hands, but she wasn’t cold. The sun bounced off
the cliff wall beside them and sent out warmth he could feel on their skin. He
left her underwear, he’d work around it, pressed his face to the triangle of
black cotton, then groaned against her. She was wet already. Change of mind,
they had to go, he plucked them off her hip with his teeth, hands up and down
her legs. She didn’t protest.

He
pushed a finger inside her and she tightened her hold on his hair. “Don’t
stop.”

He
loved her for this. For the thrill; for the trust. “Not till you’re limp and I
have to carry you out of here.”

Two
fingers, adding his thumb to her clit. He closed one eye as she yanked his head
up. “This is madness.”

They
stared at each other, frozen in the moment. If she’d let him, he’d kneel at her
feet, he’d make her feel free and safe and loved like this forever.

He
put his teeth to her hip and she jerked against his hand, the sound of her
breathing coarse, rasping. He could make her come like this easily, but she’d
tire and he was too greedy to miss coming with her. He kissed his way up her body,
lingering on parts that made her gasp or twitch; her belly button, the bottom
edge of her ribs, the underside of her breast. He filled his hands with her
softness, took her mouth. He had so much to learn about what she liked, what
turned her body on and her mind off, but the only thing he wanted to catalogue
now was how she felt wrapped around him.

Electricity
sparked in his lower back; his spine was a blue streak of sensation. This woman
affected his limbs, tissues and organs; altered his brain chemistry like no one
else. He backed off to look at her, to see her greed as he unzipped, rolled the
condom on. His hands shook but he’d never felt so steady. Hands to her waist,
he lifted her and she wrapped her legs around him.

Her
hands went around his neck. “How’s this going to work?”

He
could hold her effortlessly, hands under her thighs. “Like this.” He moved her
into position and stroked across her core.

“Oh
God.” She curled her upper body, dropped her head to watch as he seated her,
tugged her hips down, drove up inside her. “Oh. Oh.” Her head dropped forward
to rest on his chest.

He
gave her a few seconds to adjust. “Hold on, baby. This is going to be hard and
fast.”

She
lifted her head. “You wreck me, Reece.” She kissed his throat. “You take me
apart with the love in you. Wreck me again.”

He
bent his knees, tilted his pelvis up and lifted her; reversed it, set a rhythm
and punished them both with the rocking, thrusting ache of it. Audrey moved her
hands to his arms and leant into it, using her own hips as leverage.

He
had white light in his eyes, a laser beam carved heat up the shaft of his
spine. She muffled her screams in his chest, but he roared his own release. She
wrecked him too. Stripped the skin off him and tore his nails out, fritzed his
senses.

He
loved her. She made him violent inside with the vulnerability of it.

He
didn’t know what she needed from him beyond caring for Mia, beyond this, and
this was where he wanted to live.

He
held her till their breathing settled and Audrey lifted her face to his. “You’re
unbelievable.” She stroked his face. He saw wonder in her eyes. “Why did it
take me so long to meet you?”

“Why
did it take you so long to seduce me?”

“I
need my head examined.” She pulled at his neck and he bent to kiss her. “I’d
stay in your arms all day.”

“I’d
keep you but if kids or fisherman don’t catch us, the tide will.” And if he
didn’t detach them, he’d be ready for round two.

Her
face reddened. “I can’t believe we did this here.” She laughed. “What have you
done to me? I’m Audrey Bates, serious corporate woman, responsible single
mother, celibate by lifestyle choice, boring vegetable.”

He
lifted her, set her on her feet. “No, you’re not. You’re naked sex on the beach,
baby.”

She
swatted him as he cleaned up, zipped up. “I don’t know if I should be appalled
or congratulated.” She clipped her bra on, her singlet and jacket, moving
quickly. “I can’t find my underwear.”

He
yanked her to him. He didn’t want to leave, go back to the world. He kissed
her, hands over her butt. It would be so easy to lift her again, or turn her,
let her brace against the rock fall and take her from behind. He groaned as her
kiss told him she’d go for that. He took her hand put it on his butt. She
laughed against his lips as she found her pants in his pocket.

Dressed
and back on the path, they walked back to the beach. The closer they got the more
Audrey tensed. They’d been gone a long time and it’d be longer if he added a
coffee run.

She
took his hand. “I don’t want them to know.”

“They
know. I didn’t say a word, but they know.”

“We’ve
had one night and whatever that was—”

He
pulled her off the path and into his arms. “That was a hot fucking mess and I
can’t wait to do it again.”

“I
need to think. I didn’t expect you to be so...” She frowned and started again. “I
didn’t expect you to be so...I propositioned you, but you’re overwhelming.”

He
watched her carefully. Had he been too rough? Now that the adrenaline was gone,
had he risked too much? He’d shoot himself in the dick with a nail gun if he
saw fear in her.

She
squeezed his hand. “This is a big change.”

“Don’t
hesitate on my account. I know what I want.” He’d never been clearer.

“How
can you know?”

She
closed her eyes tight. They’d both forgotten their sunglasses. It was hard to
remember she had a more complicated life at stake. That not long ago she’d been
sick enough to die.

“I’ve
had time. I’ve watched you, feared for you. I know what I want. I want us. I don’t
care who else knows about us.”

She
put her fingertips to his lips, traced them, stood on her toes and pulled his
head down. She kissed him hard, fingers dug into his arm, and that made the need
for secrecy easier to take.

“Can
we have just this—let this breathe before we need to be anything else?”

He
kissed her soft. “Just this.”

It
wasn’t a skywriter. It wasn’t a Property of Audrey tattoo, but it was enough
for now.

18:     Wonder
Drug

When
she’d been pumped full of drugs in hospital, Audrey’s brain turned to cotton
wool. Her thoughts were fuzzy blobs; her emotions were thick and fluffy one
minute and torn apart and insubstantial the next. Later the headaches and
tingling, the overwhelming relief about her recovery, and bone deep exhaustion
drowned her in soft focus days and frighteningly disturbing nights.

Now
she felt clear-headed. Better than headache free, better than well slept and properly
rested. Every synapse in her brain fired sharp with excitement, every cell in
her body was ready to do sand sprints without tiring. She was still too thin,
but she looked good, colour in her face, bright eyes, shiny hair and a bounce
in her step.

Because
of Reece.

He
was a new kind of drug, one that made her feel younger and stronger and more
capable. She’d never trusted anyone like she trusted Reece. Her parents once, in
the way kids had no choice, and theirs was a trust tempered with obedience. You
got it when you conformed. She’d had it with Barrett, but it had limitations,
and the fact he lived in New York and had no interest in being a father, or
intention of returning, was the foundation of it.

She
had it with Merrill and Joe, with Les. The trust that came with long
friendships proven over good and bad times, but with Reece it was a whole lot
more complex and a whole lot more simple at the same time.

He
saw everything she was and what she’d forgotten how to be. He saw all the ways
she failed and when she feared to try. He saw her stripped down to pure
vibrating want, desperate grasping need, calculated caution and naked ambition,
and he held out his hand and hoped she’d take it. He offered his heart, as big
and careful as the rest of him, for her to do whatever she wanted with, and he
trusted her to choose well.

She
chose him all the way from his boat size feet to his quiet domestic heroism. She
made a cocoon of them, an alternate world for the two of them and Mia to exist
in. Which meant days in the company of his ready smile and steady humour, and
nights in thrall to his body, and what he could do to hers.

It
was a holiday she didn’t want to end. He should’ve moved out, but she couldn’t
bring herself to suggest it. He did though, testing, doing what was right for
her and Mia.

She
stuck her head in the sand she could newly sprint on and played at paradise
with Reece while she waited for the rest of her life to unwind, for the email
or the call that’d tell her not to bother coming back to work and how much her
last pay would contain. She needed to tell him about that. But talking about it
with anyone but Les made it real and she wasn’t ready for real when she had
Reece and the fantasy of a beautiful life.

Because
it was a fantasy. The high of a different drug. Too, too good to be true. Too
true to survive. Reece looked at her like he was in love with her. He touched
her like he wanted her to know it. And everything he did was designed to prove
it. And that couldn’t possibly be right.

What
did she offer him, a woman with a kid, older, single by choice, and focused on
a job that was about to disappear, a career in limbo?

But
she dreamed about it, waking dreams. While she sat reading and he played with
Mia. While she played with Mia and he cooked. She watched him manage a tantrum
or stand right back so she could, and she knew they’d created a family, the
structure too interwoven to ever go back the way it had been, even if she could
afford to keep it.

Once
the money went, broke them up, was it fair to make him wait until she got a new
job and could afford to have him back? If he wasn’t here as her carer, would he
want to be here as her lover?

She
heard the TV go on in the other room. She knew he’d settle Mia and come to her.
He didn’t know their time for this was going to run out, or how anxious that
made her.

Mia
whined. He placated. Mia threw her fire engine on the floor, a clatter of bells
and metal, incoherent screaming, and he spoke a little sternly. His no nonsense
voice, deeper with authority, but never menace. She imagined him using it on
her in bed and pressed her legs together.

That’s
how he found her, ridiculously turned-on by the man who’d just disciplined her daughter.
She was a bad mother, a shocking employer, and a redundant employee, but if he
touched her that would all go away and she’d feel drugged with happiness again.

He
came straight for her, miraculously as strung-out for her touch as she was for
his. The look on his face was pure determination, those beautiful green eyes gone
dark. His hand went to the back of her neck, fingers sifting through her hair. He
kissed her with enough force she heard imaginary bells ringing through her
head.

Real
was the sound of Mia talking to the TV in the next room. Real was Reece’s hand
over her breast and his tongue tipping the roof of her mouth. Real was the
smudge of texta on his jaw and the smell of banana in his skin.

He
groaned into the kiss, his arm tight around her back, pulling her to her toes. “I
want to take a bath with you.”

She
laughed. They would never both fit in her bath and he had to know it. He
wouldn’t fit on his own, but she’d like to see him try.

“I
want to spend a whole weekend naked in bed with you. We’ll only get up for bathroom
breaks and to answer the door to the pizza guy.”

That
wasn’t immediately possible either, but it sounded like heaven.

“I
want to give you ten orgasms in a row.”

She
gasped. She’d be back in hospital needing oxygen, but with a little concerted
effort he could probably pull that off.

“I
want to eat chocolate off your skin, lick whiskey off your lips.”

Now
that they could do.

He
ran his tongue around the edge of her ear. “I want to be with you and Mia
always.”

She
pushed him away. “Reece.” She shook her head; he rattled her senses. He
couldn’t want that.

He
said, “I want that,” like he knew her thoughts, and he could because her doubt
was all over her in creased brows and shivers and rigid arms holding him back.

“I
love Mia.” He dropped his hold on her and let her have her distance. “I am in
love with you.”

All
the heat left her body. “You can’t love me. It’s not real. This is just a, just
a, holiday romance, just a, look it’s obvious we might, that it’s proximity,
and you can’t.” She stopped babbling and looked him in the eye. “You can’t.”

“Shocked
you there, did I?” He let his voice drop soft and low.

“You’re
conflagrating care and sex into something bigger.” She sounded shrill in
comparison, with a rising note of panic.

“Conflagrating?”

“Reece,
you just can’t.”

He
did that thing where he planted his feet wide, folded his arms, made himself an
immoveable object. When he did it with Mia it was her cue to throw herself at
him, climb all over him. When he did it with her he was saying, go on, prove me
wrong.

“Why
can’t I love you, Audrey?”

“Because
I’m too old for you.”

He
blinked in surprise. “Do you seriously think that’s a reason not to love you?”

“No.
Yes.” It should be easy to set him straight. “Yes. Not the number, but the fact
we’re at different stages in our lives. I have a child.”

“I
did notice that.” He kept a completely straight face.

She
scrubbed hers with her open palms. How to make him understand? “I have a
career.”

“What
I do might not look like much to you, but it’s important to me.”

She
dropped her head. That’s not what she’d meant. She didn’t mean to sound like a
bitch. She didn’t want to insult him, just help him see this couldn’t be a
permanent thing. “I’m sorry, that’s—”

“That’s
reality. I get it. I don’t have much to offer. I wasn’t asking you to marry
me.”

Her
leg buckled and her hand shot out to steady herself. He was there. Taking her
arm, holding her upright.

“If
I thought you wouldn’t send me packing I’d be on my knees now.”

“Oh
Reece.”

She
stepped into his embrace. It would be so easy to let him love her all the way
like that, let him make the family a forever thing. But it wasn’t right for
him. And it terrified her. What if she let herself love him that way and in
five years he was tired of it, raising someone else’s kid? In five years, in
ten, the difference between their ages would be more pronounced. What if he
wanted his own kid? Of course he would. She had no intention of having another
baby and that would be a rank injustice to a man who loved kids like he did.

“Don’t
cry. Please don’t cry, Audrey.”

For
a person who’d describe herself as stoic, she’d cried a lot this year. It made
her feel weak and powerless and she couldn’t afford to be either. She tried to
turn away and Reece folded around her back, protecting her like the crumple
zone of a car body. She had crushed him just as surely with her reaction as if
she’d run into him with a road train, and yet he was saving her.

He
pressed his cheek to hers. “We have this. We have now and I won’t press for
more.”

She
had to tell him. “I think I’m going to lose my job. They’re making cutbacks,
redundancies. I left them with problems on my projects and I’m not senior
enough to avoid being targeted.”

Into
his steady breathing, his enveloping warmth, she told him the rest. “If it
happens, it may take me a while to get a new job. Months, at least. I couldn’t
keep you on as Mia’s nanny.”

She
felt the muscles in his arms, across his chest harden.

“And
if I can’t be Mia’s nanny then I can’t be in your life, is that what you’re
saying?”

Was
that the conclusion? Is that what she wanted? Reece gone entirely from their
lives. She pivoted to face him, caught his face in her hands.

“I’m
not saying that.”

The
only way to fix this was to tell him she loved him, but did she love him, or
the idea of him, the carer she wouldn’t have to pay, the family she’d employed
instead of made?

“I’m
not saying that. I don’t want you going anywhere. I didn’t even want to tell
you.”

She
sniffed back tears because that was the truth. “We’ll work the rest out.”

She
pressed her lips, wet and too spongy to form a kiss against his. He had to
trust her in this. She would find a way to keep her job or get a new one
quickly. She would find a way to keep him close and a definition of that
closeness they could both live with.

“I’m
hungry.”

Reece
pulled away. He was sombre, a shade of emotion rare to him. “Nearly dinner
time, Mia. How about a jigsaw puzzle before we eat?”

Mia
hugged his leg, tipping her head back to look up at him. “Are you sad?”

He
picked her up, set her on his hip. “A little bit.”

Audrey
pressed her lips together hard. He was so much better at this than she was. She’d
have denied it and Mia would’ve learned nothing but deception. The kind of
thing she’d learned from Esther.

“Everyone
gets sad sometimes. That’s how you know what happy is,” he said.

Mia
tucked her face into Reece’s neck. “Happy is not sad.”

He
smiled and tickled her. “That’s what it is.”

She
wrapped her arms around his neck. “Don’t be sad, Reece. I love you.”

He
closed his eyes and when he opened them he looked for Audrey’s. “Now, I’m
happy.”

Audrey
kept Mia busy while Reece cooked. Another thing he was much better at. Then the
fight to get Mia to bed, to get her to stay there. He was gone for his run when
she got finished, the kitchen clean and Mia’s pile of toys packed away.

She
got her laptop out and fired it up. She sent Chris an email, asking for a
meeting. She explained she was due back at work and wanted to talk about her
options. That was vague. She couldn’t let on she knew about the planned
redundancies. He might say no to seeing her. He very likely would, but he’d
been so genuinely considerate of her over getting sick, perhaps he’d give her
fifteen minutes as a courtesy. This might be a wasted effort and make her seem
desperate, never a good career move, but it was time to take charge again and
this was one thing she could do, one step towards fixing it so she could keep
Reece.

She
knew when he came in the front door that he’d try to avoid her. She deserved
it, but she wasn’t going to take it. She had a bottle of whiskey. She wanted
his lips on hers when she drank it.

She
met him in the hallway with the bottle in her hand. He was drenched in sweat,
his track pants stuck to his thighs. He’d taken his shirt off, held it in his
hands.

He
took in the bottle. “I need a shower.”

He
smelled of hard work and turned earth and the citrus burn of a mandarin peel. She
let him walk past her to his room and she followed. She took a swig out of the
bottle for courage and held back the cough. He sat on the bed unlacing his
shoes. She stood in the middle of the guest room and knew she had to fix things
now.