Waiting on the Sidelines (17 page)

“I was kidding,” he smiled. “We get free drinks. Part of the gig.”

I just nodded. That was pretty cool, I thought. I twisted it open and took a big chug, stopping myself before I let it get out of hand. I was thirsty, but I didn’t want a cramp. Tyler slid down to sit next to me and reached out his hand.

“I’m Tyler, and you are?” he asked. His confidence reminded me of Buck. He was the sort of guy that would run for fraternity president in college and then move on to some Fortune 500 company and move up the ranks quickly. I caught a glance at Reed in the distance from behind Tyler and he was not happy.

“Oh, I’m Nolan. Nice to meet you,” I said, politely but quickly, careful not to invite too much conversation.

“Nice to meet you, too,” he said, looking out at the pool and pulling the towel from around his neck. “You’ll love working here. It’s good money and the days go by super quickly. It’s my third year. It helps that my brother runs the place, I sort of get to skip some of the interview process.” He winked. It felt a little cocky, but not overtly. There was something a little too shiny about Tyler, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

We sat in silence for most of the rest of the break, then when the whistle blew for the next rotation, he caught my arm before I left the snack bar. “Hey, Nolan. If you want, some of us go out after the late shifts some times. Would be great if you came along,” he looked hopeful.

I just nodded and shrugged. I didn’t know how to handle this. I was just getting used to the idea that the boy of my dreams might be giving me the time of day. There was no way I was prepared to handle any type of showdown.
Slow down there, tiger. Don’t get ahead of yourself, no one is fighting for you, my subconscious put me back in my place.

“Thanks, maybe sometime. I’ve got a lot going on,” I lied. It seemed to be enough. He just smiled and walked away.

When I looked back over at Reed, he was walking in for his break and staring at Tyler with a hard expression. Almost as if to lay a claim on me, he smacked my butt as I walked by. It was probably the most intimate contact we’d had, but it also felt like I was his running back or left tackle. “Sorry, coach, I’ll get a hustle on,” I said, making a joke out of it.
Always making a joke.

The day flew by. Tyler was right about that, time passed quickly here. We all finished our shutdown duties, rolling up misters and pool ropes and hanging everything for the next morning. A few staff members were doing trick dives from the diving boards and cannonballs into the deep end. This was the fun time, I guess.

I didn’t even hear Reed coming up behind me, but suddenly I felt my legs get swept up and he started marching towards the water. I hadn’t been more than ankle deep all day and had heard the water was still pretty cold for the season.

“Reed Johnson, what are you doing?” I said, trying to sound tough. Upon reflection, probably not my best defensive move. He just smiled and took off in a full-on sprint, leaping from the edge and crashing us both in the water. I was completely submerged, but I came back up, still in his arms. He had me held snugly to his chest. I was having a hard time catching my breath from the shock of the cold. I pushed the dripping wetness from my hair back and reached up to clear my eyes before opening them.

“You ass!” I yelled at him, slapping his chest. And at that, he dunked me one more time. “Quit it!”

“Not until you quit calling me an ass,” he smiled.

“Fine, I quit. But you’re going to have to deal with me cranking the heater on and forcing you to put the top on the Jeep,” I said in my whiniest voice possible. The music cranked up a little louder and suddenly everyone was in the pool. Apparently the staff always spent the end of the day goofing off and blowing off steam.
I was going to like it here, I thought.

I started to get goosebumps on my arms and chest that were exposed from the water. I think Reed could feel me shivering a bit, because he suddenly held me a little closer. I took full advantage and snuggled in under his chin, my face right at his chest. My eyes were out of his sight, so I could look at him all I wanted without getting caught. I admired his tan biceps and perfect abs. I noticed a thin string bracelet on his right wrist. I touched it a little. “What’s this?” I said, chattering a little while I talked.

“Oh, that’s from my cousin, Shelley. She’s 7, and she lives in California. I guess you could say we’re sort of pen pals,” he joked, lifting his arm so I could get a better look at the bracelet. She had braded it and put tiny beads throughout, the same as our school colors.

“That’s pretty sweet,” I said, smiling up at him.

“Yeah, it is,” he said softly.

Reed just stared down at me, shifting back and forth from eye to eye because we were so close. The music and screaming from other swimmers in the background started to fade out. It was the same sort of feeling I got when I was about to pass out, but I knew my head felt fine. Reed leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead to mine, closing his eyes for a bit. He just sort of spun us, ever-so slowly in a circle, with our lips breaths apart. My lips were tingling, almost numb, but not from the cold water. I bit my bottom lip to try to stop the twitching and keep myself from shaking. I felt Reed shift, getting an even stronger grip on me, somehow holding me closer, which didn’t seem possible.

I was frozen, the tip of my nose touching Reed’s, as we swayed slowly in the water to some sappy pop song about standing in the rain. I knew the song, it was one of my favorites. But ask me the words right now, and I’d only be able to spit out gibberish. I bit my lip again, licking it a little from this unbelievable, beautiful suspense. And then Reed’s lips were touching mine. Not hard, but so incredibly softly. It was barely a kiss, but it was still the best one I’d ever have. He tilted his head up, just barely, taking my top lip between both of his and leaving them there for a few seconds, sucking me in faintly so I felt the tips of his teeth.

When he pulled back, he leaned his face to look at me, still cradling me in his arms. I opened my eyes slowly and couldn’t hide my smile. I wanted to cry, the type of cry from a release when you’ve waited so long for something. He just reached up and brushed water from my face with his thumb and stared at me until finally breaking our silence. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” he smiled gently.

“You have no idea…” I paused. “Well, there’s just so much you have no idea about, Reed.”

He walked us over to the steps and we exited the water, his index finger looped with mine as he pulled me behind him. We both changed and headed out to the Jeep. He didn’t even wait a second before holding my hand as we drove away.

When Reed pulled up to my house, I was both excited and disappointed to see my good old friend the Oldsmobile sitting in the carport. My dad walked out to greet us and flinched for a second when he may have caught a glimpse of us holding hands.

“Hey, sweetie. Buck’s guys dropped this off earlier. Boy, she purrs like a dream now. They really did a number,” he said, flipping the hood up and urging me to take a look.
Like I have any idea what I’m looking at.
Reed put his hand on my back as we all looked at the engine and listened to my dad go on and on. I loved the thrill of feeling his touch. But I also didn’t want to have this conversation with my father. Not tonight, anyhow.

Reed’s phone rang, and he stepped back for a second to talk. I heard him asking what time and saying he could get there in 30 minutes. Finally, he was back at my side.

“Hey, it’s coach. He has some meeting lined up, something with a scout. My dad’s meeting me there. I’m sorry, I gotta go,” he said, honestly looking disappointed.

“It’s ok, go! I’ve got a car to test drive,” I winked at him.

“Oh no, just try not to drive like a ‘woman,’” he said, air quoting. I kicked dirt at him a bit and gave him a playful shove. When my dad wasn’t looking, he leaned down and kissed my cheek before flipping his keys in his hand and heading to his Jeep.

My father saw him leaving and yelled after him. “Reed, son. Please give my thanks to your dad, ok? Really, this was an awful nice gesture.”

“You bet, Mr. Len… Rich!” Reed yelled back, pointing his finger in the air when he remembered by dad’s request for the first-name basis.

I turned to look over the engine some more with my dad and he put his arm around me. “That’s a good kid,” he said, sort of insinuating that I had his approval, but without actually having the conversation.

“Yeah, he’s one of the good ones,” I reaffirmed.

“So, you wanna take this puppy for a spin,” my dad smiled at me, closing the hood.

“Thought you’d never ask,” I said. “But I’m driving!”

My dad winced, still not too good at being my passenger, but he tossed me the keys and climbed into the car. I got in and turned the key to start it right up. The engine made a sound that had never been heard in our family before, and my dad and I both just looked at each other, our eyebrows raising. Then we both laughed. I backed out to turn around and we drove it all the way to the MicNic burger joint for milk shakes. We got an extra one for my mom and made our way home. A perfect day.

Reed called me after his dinner meeting with the scout. He wasn’t supposed to say anything about it, but he spilled his guts anyway. I was honored to be so trusted. Reed was attracting attention from more schools than he had expected, though I wasn’t really surprised. His impromptu meeting was with the quarterback coach for Stanford. His grades were impressive and, to be honest, I don’t think Stanford fancied the idea of having Reed attend another school in their conference.

By the time Reed was a junior or senior in college, he could truly have grown into something spectacular. I wondered at the fact that I got to see him mature, see him in his beginning. I also allowed my mind to fantasize about a college world that included a Reed
and
me in it. I didn’t let myself dwell there long because I knew I was being naïve, but a month ago I never would have thought I could say I knew what Reed’s lips felt like, and well, now I could.

Reed had insisted that we spend tonight celebrating his great meeting and going on our first real date. He was leaving work early to meet with his coach and throw some passes to some promising new receivers now that Devin and Cole were graduated, so I was going to drive my newly made-over Olds. Suddenly, this car that I had spent a lifetime loathing held a special place in my heart. The kind gesture and its connection to Reed played on my perspective. I think my dad was sort of regretting handing the keys over to me permanently now, too. He did a little joy riding on the desert roads last night and said something about ‘really opening her up on the open road.’

Reed said he didn’t want to waste his first real date with me on a typical dinner and a movie, so he had instructed me to pack clothes that were casual, comfortable and “very Nolan.” He also insisted I throw the Nikes in my bag. “Lots of walking,” he said.

I must have tried on 15 different combinations of clothes that just days ago all seemed fine. I finally settled on my hip-slung cut-off shorts, double tank tops and plain white socks with my tennies. I had a clip in my bag that I could use to keep my hair up and makeup was always minimal, though I was eager to look more adult lately.

I scarfed down a peanut butter sandwich with some milk, locked up the house and skipped to my car, tossing my bag in the back seat. The engine roared right up for me, a sound I was sure would make my smile beam for months, and I backed out onto our main road.

Driving alone on the stretch of desert highway was finally how I pictured it would be, before my first solo trip was cut short by my car’s former insides. I sang out loud all the way into town, rolling my window up as I pulled into the aquatics center, not wanting to draw the attention of the dozens of barely dressed teenagers that were parking around me. I knew I was a staff member and the same age as many of the girls that hung out at the center during the summer, but somehow I still felt inadequate. So many of them looked like, were built like and talked like Tatum. It was going to take me a while to stop trying to measure up to something that I still couldn’t believe Reed no longer wanted.

Reed was sitting on the counter talking to Penny when I walked in.

“Uh, I believe she’s two minutes late, Penny. Make sure you take note of that,” he winked, snapping his towel at me as I walked by and rolled my eyes at Penny.

Penny was clearly always on the woman’s side, as she piped up right away, tapping on her watch. “According to my watch, she still has three minutes, sport,” she winked right back at him.

I walked through the women’s locker room where I stashed my bag for later and met Reed on the pool deck side. He wasn’t so subtle as he came over and planted the softest kiss on my right cheek. “I missed you,” he whispered. I melted.

Our intimate moment wouldn’t last long as Todd called out stations and we all headed out to them. The hours flew by again, and I seemed to always be taking my breaks with Tyler. I was more comfortable with him now as during our first break he asked me how long Reed and I had been going out. He must have witnessed our kiss in the pool yesterday. I told him we hadn’t been dating long, though I really wasn’t sure what to call us or how to answer that question. Either way, I thought Reed would be fine with my response. I got the feeling he wasn’t too keen on Tyler.

I saw Reed head for the locker room at about 2:30 and then come back out dressed in his varsity practice shirt and long sports shorts. He had his secret ASU hat on and slid along the deck in his flip flops over to the chair I was stationed at before he left.

“Hey, you better hurry or you’re going to be late,” I chided him.

“Well, good thing for me they can’t really run receiving drills without someone to throw to them,” he smiled. “So, you wanna just meet me at my place? We can leave your car at my house and I’ll drive.”

He had a devilish grin, bewitching me. “Sure… that seems the best way to go for this… wait, where are we going again?” I tried to bait him but he was having none of it.

“Ohhhh, you will just have to wait and see,” he said. “You keep this up and I’m apt to drive you around blindfolded for an hour first just to punish you.”

“Oh god please don’t do that, or else I’ll be apt to throw up all over your Jeep,” I wasn’t even kidding.

Not wanting to put on a show or get me in any trouble in front of the patrons, Reed just brushed his hands on my shoulder and tipped on his sunglasses before leaving. I watched him pull away from beyond the fence and in my mind started counting down until I saw him next for our official first couple outing.

While the first part of the day raced, the last hour of my shift seemed to tick by so slowly. At one point, I started counting people that went off the high dive, adding decimals for every bounce they took from the board just to make it interesting.

The center was staying open late tonight for lessons, so I didn’t have to wind up the ropes and spray the decks like I normally would. When my hours were up, I raced through the locker room, hopped in a shower and did my best to make myself presentable.
He likes you just like this, I reminded myself as I turned from side to side in the distorted bathroom mirror.

I punched out for the day and told Penny to have a great night. She stopped me and said she’d walk out with me since her day was done, too.

She grabbed her purse, walked around the counter and we were on our way. Penny was extremely short, but she had a spirit and a certain look that warned people she could pack a mighty punch. She was digging for her keys in her purse as we were in the parking lot when she held out a piece of gum to me.

“Here, take one. Hot date tonight, I hear,” she winked.

“How’d you know?” I asked, taking the gum. I was grateful. I was nervous as it was, and the Doritos I had during my break were still hanging around a little in my breath.

“That fella of yours? Well, he sure does like you an awful lot,” she said, smiling as we started our walk again. I swooned a bit at her words, but had to ask.

“What do you mean,” I was curious.

“He got to work a little early today, so we had some time to chat. He was asking me for my opinion on some things he has planned for your date, said it was an important one,” she smiled and elbowed my side a little.

I grinned back. “Yeah, it’s our first official date. I sort of spent two years chasing him, you know,” I said, sort of wanting some credit, but I wasn’t sure what for.

“Well, you done caught him,” she said as she opened her door. “Have a good night tonight; and you tell me all about it tomorrow, ok?”

“You know it!” I said as she shut her door and buckled up.

I got to my car and threw my bag of wet clothes in the back. I figured I would just run everything through the drier later tonight to freshen things up.

I pulled out onto the main road and started right back where I left off with the singing. I wondered if my dad would be willing to help me save up for a newer stereo, one that I could program with my favorite songs and hook into my phone.

As I drove through the desert, my panic started to set in just a little more. I sat up tall to catch a glimpse of my face in the rearview mirror, scanning for pimples, stray eyebrow hairs (thankfully my eyebrow had grown back), bent lashes, anything that would make Reed run for the hills. I pulled the gum from my mouth, twisting it in a receipt that was in my cup holder, and smelled my breath about 20 times, worried that the Doritos were still lingering. Then I started to question my outfit, thinking that I should swing by my house first. I had nearly convinced myself to do just that when I realized I only had 10 minutes from the time I told Reed I would be at his house. I didn’t want to be late.

My stomach was swirling. I was starting to lose the feeling in my hands, so I started shaking them out one at a time. I couldn’t seem to get a full breath, and my eyes were watering at the edges a little from my fear. I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack. I stopped at the light in the center of Coolidge and waited for it to turn green, slightly thankful for this small pause in time. I actually started talking to myself.

“You are freaking out for nothing. This is nothing new. You have been out with Reed dozens of times. You have wanted this for so long. Now you are alone with him, and he wants you to be there. Deep breath, Nolan. Deep breath.”

My pep talk seemed to work as my fingers suddenly had feeling once again. As the light turned green, I pulled through the intersection slowly, driving through town to the outskirts and onto the long road that led to Reed’s house. I could see the tall trees in the distance, and all I could hear in my ears was the beating of my heart.

I turned down his driveway and took one last deep breath as I pulled through the tree-lined lane. I saw the back of his Jeep parked up ahead by the house. I was a little confused when I saw another car pulled up behind it. My head knew it was familiar, but something inside me was keeping the recognition out of the picture. I felt my head start to shake “no” before the realization fully hit me. I was nearly pulled up behind both vehicles when Reed and Tatum came into view. Reed’s back was to me, and he was holding Tatum tightly, stroking her hair.

I punched the brakes, and my car squeaked a little as I stopped. They both turned to look at me, still in an embrace. My face stung, and there was no stopping the tears that were already running down my cheeks, leaving hot red streaks in their wake. My hair had slung forward from my abrupt stop, and Reed’s eyes were drilling right into mine. His facial expression was ghostlike, and I barely made out the word ‘no’ as he shook his head and lunged towards me.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I screamed, rolling up my window, tears flowing full on now. Reed was walking quickly towards me with his hands waving, and his face pale white. I made the mistake of stealing a glance at Tatum, who was softly smiling, almost like she was sorry for me.

Reed was coming closer, but I had managed to muster enough common sense to put my car in reverse. I was slowing pulling away when he lunged for the hood, smacking it hard with both hands. “Nolan, stop! You don’t understand, you don’t understand.” He was yelling, his face red and his muscles fully flexed. He was yelling at me, angry. Angry at me?

My emotions were a roller coaster. I flung the gears into park, swung my door open so wide it actually came back to close on my leg as I stepped out. It would leave a terrible bruise I knew, but I couldn’t seem to stop to care or check on my leg right now. I was swinging between heartbrokenly crushed and furious.

“What’s to understand? I just saw you, holding… her!” I said, gesturing to her like she was some tossed aside piece of beef at a cattle show. “How could you? How could you!”

I was spewing venom now, and I couldn’t be stopped. “What does this mean, Reed? Are you
with
her?”

He just stood there. Silent. Without words. He frowned slightly, looking down at his feet and then looking back up to me, shrugging. “Nolan, it’s just… it’s just that. Oh, it’s complicated, ok? You have to believe me that I didn’t want to hurt you…”

I cut him off at that, raising my hand to say ‘stop.’ This was it, I was broken now. And I wasn’t sure there would ever be a way to come back from this. I got back into my car, and just before I closed my door, I looked him right in the eyes, seething. “Go to fucking hell!”

I spun the car around and allowed myself one last look at him in the rearview mirror. Tatum was walking up behind him, reaching out to take his hand. And still, he just stood there. Silent.

I made it home somehow in one piece, avoiding the urge to crash into everything I saw. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I wanted to exhale this pain boiling inside me. I didn’t know anything could ever hurt this badly. I managed to get inside my house before my parents were home, giving me an hour to process alone in the comfort of my room. My phone kept buzzing with texts from Reed.

Nolan, please forgive me.

Nolan, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Please don’t hate me.

I finally shot one back after his 15
^th
message:

Leave me alone. I am done.