Waiting on the Sidelines (21 page)

I crawled back out and walked a few blocks through town getting my breath back. I don’t know how I ended up at Tatum’s house, but there it was. I saw her car in the driveway and noted that all the lights were off. Before I knew it I was lightly knocking on the front door. When the gravity of what I was doing hit me, it was too late and her face was staring right back at me.

She looked fine. Like nothing had ever happened. There was no evidence of spending all night crying (I was well acquainted with what that looked like). She just sighed and put her hand on her hip, looking at me.

“What?” she seemed annoyed.

“How could you,” I shook my head. Looking down, I noted the new pedicure on her toes. She was wearing tiny shorts and a tight shirt. Her hair was perfect as always. It was like nothing had ever happened. She was just moving on to her next day, her next victim. She was truly crazy and thought nothing of the lie she spun.

“Whatever,” she said, closing the door in my face.

I stood there for a few minutes, stunned. When I realized she didn’t matter and there was nothing I could say that would make her feel, I turned to leave. I walked back home and my parents were making bacon and eggs when I came in.

“Breakfast, honey?” my mom offered. It smelled delicious, and I had worked up an amazing appetite. For once, in weeks, I was hungry. Honestly hungry. I just nodded and smiled, stealing a piece of bacon on my way to the bathroom. “Let me take a quick shower. Keep it hot?” I asked.

“Will do,” my dad said.

I let the water pour over my face. Every so often I would shudder, trying to force myself to cry, but nothing happened. I wasn’t sad anymore. I was tired. I felt grief, in a way, but I wasn’t sad. I just didn’t have it in me.

Piling my hair in a towel on my head, I threw on a clean shirt and shorts and joined my parents for the most delicious breakfast I had enjoyed in years.

Tyler picked me up promptly at 4. I let him come to the door to meet my parents. I could tell my dad had questions since he had never heard of a Tyler before. My mom nudged me a little because he was cute, and I smiled at her with my cheeks flushed. My dad shook his hand and asked him a few questions about his car, like he always did. Tyler seemed to pass their test as they let me get in the car with him.

It took almost two hours to get into the city and park for the game. We rushed from a parking lot a few blocks away and managed to get into the ballpark before the free shirts were gone. We both were giddy about it and put them on over what we were wearing right away. They said “Diamondback Red, White and Blue” and were hideous, but they were free. I liked that Tyler had the same silly respect for freebies as I did.

The game was awesome. I had never sat in a suite before, and it came stocked with free food and a private restroom. I licked wing sauce from my fingertips and gulped Diet Cokes the entire time. The game was a close one, but the Diamondbacks pulled out a win in the bottom of the 9
^th
. This sent the crowd into overdrive and everyone stayed for the fireworks display after the game.

I jerked a little from surprise when the stadium lights went out. I realized they needed to make it dark for the show, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so sudden. Tyler put his arm around me to let me know he was close. I let him leave it there through the entire display.

As we walked out through the crowds, he grabbed my hand. I let him lead me because I hadn’t been to a game in years and he seemed well versed in how to best get to our parking lot. I expected him to let go when we made it through the gates onto the streets, but he held on instead. It felt strange. Part of me liked it, but another part knew I just liked not feeling alone.

We got to his car and he opened the door for me and closed it. He got in and then we spent the next 20 minutes trying to dodge the crowds of people leaving the game and the festivities. He managed to find the highway quickly and we were well into our trip back home.

The ride back through the desert was uncomfortably quiet. I was thinking about calling Sean, wondering if Reed made it through the party for his dad. But I also knew Tyler was thinking about kissing me goodnight. And I didn’t know how to make the two connect.

I slipped my phone onto my lap and sent Sean a quick text. I lied to Tyler and told him I was letting Sarah know something for the morning. He just smiled, buying it hook, line and sinker.

We pulled into my driveway a little before midnight. I felt bad that Tyler had to drive so much out of his way, but I wasn’t very comfortable driving alone at night yet, especially so far.

“Thanks for tonight, I had a really nice time,” I said, pulling my buckle off and closing up my purse.

“I’m glad you came,” he said, stopping and just looking into my eyes. He was considering his next move, and I was cowardly waiting, unsure how I would react. When he slowly started to lean forward, I heard my phone buzz and I startled. Blinking and shaking my head a little I told him I should get inside.

He got out of the car and came to open my side. A little overly gentlemanly for my taste, but I appreciated the gesture. He placed his hand on my back as he walked me to the door. Before I reached the step, I turned to look at him and just gave him a sideways smile.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do this yet,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t be offended. He just smiled back.

“It’s OK, I can wait,” he said, then he leaned in to kiss my cheek. I watched him walk away and when he got to his car he loudly whispered, “call you tomorrow.”

I waved and then quietly went inside. I carefully shut the door to my room and then slid my shoes off and my double set of shirts, putting on the soft worn T-shirt I preferred for sleep. Comfortable, I pulled my phone from my purse and readied myself for the worst.

Thanks for checking, Nolan. Party went OK. Reed was a bit hungover, so he didn’t drink. He didn’t really talk much, though. Sarah and Sienna came by, said they’d see you tomorrow.

I wrote back, hoping I caught him before he went to bed.

Thanks. I miss you guys. Maybe we can all go to MicNic’s tomorrow?

He was up.

Mmmmm, burgers. Let’s do it.

Sean was so easy. Why couldn’t I have fallen for him? Another text buzzed me right away.

I think I might love Becky.

I smiled at this. It made me happy to see him so happy with someone who cared equally for him. I wrote back right away.

Good. Now tell her!

He just sent back a smile. I went to bed, glad to know Reed was safe and not hurting himself. But I couldn’t shake the worried feeling I had. And I was so conflicted over Tyler. He said he’d wait, but what if I made him wait forever? I guess I owed myself time, too. I pulled my head under my covers and fell asleep instantly, my tossing and turning from the night before nowhere to be found.

 
The next few weeks were fairly tolerable. I caught glances of Reed here and there, and the flirtation from Tyler continued, but on an extremely safe level. The attention was a nice distraction, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to make a decision just yet. It was like I was sort of stuck, somewhere between the version of me that was ready to grow up a little more and move on and the part of me that was still that silly girl that obsessed over a high school quarterback, drawing my name with his on corners of my homework.

I started to volunteer for a few early morning shifts working with kids with disabilities. It was a form of water therapy that we did in partnership with the Boys and Girls Club, and it was honestly the most amazing thing I had ever done. I had a little girl, Nancy, who would work only with me. She was maybe 7 or 8. The first day I volunteered was her first day in the pool, and she refused to go in with anyone but me. She said I made her feel safe. Nancy had Downs Syndrome and extreme anxiety. But when she floated on her back through the water, staring at the sky, her face would transform into this serene expression. I called her my mermaid princess, because her hair would float around the water in all different directions, just like the Disney movie.

We had to move the last week of sessions to the evening because several of the area swim teams were competing for regional meets and had booked the lap pools for the morning hours. As much as I wanted to avoid my problems by never having to come face to face with them, I also knew that I couldn’t run forever. I was bound to have to sort out how to be in the same place as Reed when school began in the fall, and it didn’t seem fair to give up something that was bringing me such joy just to put that confrontation off just a little bit longer.

I hadn’t seen Reed in so long that I was a little surprised when he walked through the locker room door to the outside deck for the afternoon shift. I was finishing up my last break with Tyler, who was giving me a pep talk before working a double-shift, one with Reed. He seemed to have come back to the world of the living some. His tired face looked well-rested now, shaven and put together. He was wearing an old Detroit Tigers hat, the trucker style ones with mesh netting on the back. His hair was back to being perfect, curling a bit around the edges of his hat.

He seemed somehow older, somehow more mature. And when he slid up on the counter by the front desk to wait for the rest of the afternoon shifters to show up, he turned his face in my direction. I couldn’t read the expression from his eyes because of his sunglasses, but I could make out the undeniable dimple on his cheek from his half-smile. I slowly turned to look back at the crowd of swimmers wading in the water, hoping my sunglasses disguised the emotion on my face just as his did.

“You sure you don’t need me to stay? I don’t mind,” Tyler asked, leaning his knee into mine as we sat side-by-side in the deck chairs.

“No, I have to do this sometime. Might as well be now,” I said with a heavy sigh.

“OK, but if it’s too much, just let me know, and I’ll sign up for a double tomorrow, ok?” he said, standing. I nodded with a small smile to show him how much I appreciated his kindness. Tyler walked behind my chair and then leaned his head down above me a bit. I saw his shadow cast over me, but didn’t think anything of it until his lips landed square atop my head and he whispered “be careful.”

Looking up right away, I’m not sure if my face wore surprise or worry. “Thanks,” I said, just watching him disappear through the snack bar behind me. As I turned to sneak another glance at Reed, I know my face turned to sickness. He was staring at me, his glasses off now. His smile was nowhere to be found. What replaced it was a heavy brow and a look that had my heart racing for fear that he was going to shout obscenities at me from across the pool.

Why did I let myself worry over what Reed saw? I knew it didn’t mean anything and he gave up all rights to being upset over me and whomever I decided to be friends with the second he called me a whore during his drunken stupor.

I was deep in thought over this when I realized he was walking straight towards me. I was trapped, leaving now would be obvious and cowardly. I dug my heels in and readied myself for a fight.

“You and Tyler seem to be getting along well,” he said, short and cold.

I just stared at him through my glasses, keeping them on in case my eyes gave me away. I wanted to show a strong front. “He’s a good friend. He was there for me when someone destroyed my character in front of everyone I know,” I said, turning my head to look back out over the water. I could feel him staring at me, but I wasn’t going to crack. It was killing me.

“Nolan, I don’t remember any of that. Sean told me what I said, and I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it…I was pretty fucked up…and after what Tatum had told me you have to understand that my head wasn’t on right. I’m just finally crawling out of the dark place she put me in,” he said, his tone not really regretful but almost defensive. This just made me angrier. I realize what Tatum had done was very much about him, but what he didn’t seem to understand was it had ruined me, and I was an innocent casualty of it all. And the worst pain was inflicted by him.

Knowing I would regret not showing him the stuff I was holding onto deep down inside, I sucked in deeply and stood to square myself with him. Pulling my glasses off, I made sure to get close enough to make him uncomfortable. “Reed, I’m only going to do this once, so you better listen. I don’t know how you’ve never taken the briefest of moments to ruminate on how this last month played out for me, but let me get you up to speed.

“That night that I drove to your house, I was dreaming, Reed. Dreaming about how I might actually get to be with this stupid fucking boy who had my head all twisted and my heart wrapped around his finger. This boy that I loved secretly for two years, all the while watching him kiss and sleep with this demented bitch who bullied me in the most horrible ways. Horrible, Reed. She was horrible to me!

“And then my world slid off balance the second I saw you holding her again, your lips grazing her face to comfort her. And while you think you fought for me, Reed, you really didn’t. You just let me go. And I cried. For days.”

He was expressionless staring at me. He was also speechless. And I was shaking from this truth that I’d held so close to my vest. But getting it out felt so liberating, I had to keep going.

“And let’s talk about what I think about drunk Reed, huh? Shall we?” I poked a finger in his chest a little, mimicking his drunken gesture. “Boy, Reed. He’s an asshole! Like, a major asshole. I know Sean told you that you said some horrible things to me, but did he really give you the play-by-play?” He stilled, his shoulders tensing a little. He was uncomfortable in his skin, and I knew he didn’t know the exact words he had uttered.

“You asked me if I was
fucking
Tyler now. You know, after
fucking
Sean.” He sucked in a deep breath, his eyebrows raising a little, taking in his own words. “And then you wondered how I could have skipped over fucking you.”

Gathering more strength, I stepped into him even closer. “Really? Now, hearing that, is it so hard to wonder?” I held his gaze for a long time. His eyes revealed his shame. I had shamed him, and for once it felt amazing. Not wanting to hear any more excuses or half-ass apologies, I flipped my glasses back on and walked past him over to the front deck to line up for station assignments.

Todd still managed to keep us fairly far apart for the rest of the afternoon. I looked over to see Reed looking at me from time to time, but gone was his cocky smile and angry, jealous glare. He looked like a puppy caught peeing on the rug, and while I was sure I would feel bad about it eventually, for the time being I was still reveling in the superiority.

He was taking one of his breaks with one of the other girls on staff, and though I tried to ignore it, I still snuck in glances to watch over her fruitless efforts to flirt with Reed. This morning, he might have indulged her and made a show of it in front of me. But now? Today I stripped him a bit of his confidence.

The regular swimmers had all gone home and I was waiting on the deck for Nancy to arrive. A few of the other members of the therapy class had shown up so I was sure she’d be here soon. I was up front by Penny when Reed came around the corner to the exit, stopping in my view. I turned away from him, and as I did I saw Nancy and her mom walking up from the parking lot. I decided to meet them outside, and when Nancy saw me coming, she ran up to me and jumped at me giving me a huge hug.

“No-line, No-line, No-line!” she said with the most thrilling enthusiasm heard by my ears. She had a hard time saying my name, and it came out with the cutest accent.

“Hey there, pretty mermaid princess. You ready to swim?” I asked her, kneeling down and letting her twirl in front of me. She just turned to me and nodded yes with a huge grin. I stood up and told her mom I’d meet them by the pool and she thanked me and headed into the locker room.

When I turned back around, Reed was staring at me, the faintest of smiles on his face. I just smiled back softly, mostly out of respect for the joy that Nancy brought me. I walked through the gate to Penny’s desk and pulled out the paperwork for Nancy’s lessons. We had a checklist to work through each day and when she was done I was going to give her a special diploma.

“What’s going on?” Reed asked quietly, almost afraid to speak. He coughed a little to clear his unsure throat.

I just looked him in the eye, my brow furrowed a little. I was confused that he was asking and still suspicious. I wondered if I would ever stop being suspicious again. “Uhhh… I’m volunteering?” That’s all I gave him.

He smiled with his familiar face, the one he used to show me when I said something sarcastic. “Yeah, I get that. But what’s it for?”

“Hmmmm. Well, it’s this cool program Todd told me about the other day. I’ve been thinking that maybe I want to get into special education in college. I’ve been working with Nancy. She has extreme anxiety, and our swim lessons make her forget about it for a while,” I paused for a minute, looking up at him and then back down at her checklist. “We’re sort of good for each other, you know?”

One final brief smile shot from my mouth and then I left for the pool deck where Nancy was waiting for me. We slowly climbed into the water and went through our floating exercises, her giggles filling the air with this perfectly soothing sound. She was a magical little girl, and when I saw her conquer her fears, it made me stronger. I knew that I owed my strength today to her.

When I turned her back around to head back to the other end of the pool, I noticed that Reed had stayed to watch our session. He was sitting on the bleachers with his knees bent up and his arms folded on them, his chin down like he was studying me. He seemed lost a little in his thoughts, and when he wiped his nose along his sleeve a little I thought that perhaps Nancy’s giggle had gotten to him just a little, too.

Reed stayed to watch a little of my next session, too. We didn’t talk at all during the day, but he stayed after to talk to Penny for a bit and then I caught him lingering by the bleachers again. I didn’t ask Penny what they had talked about, but I had a feeling it might have been a little about me.

Wednesday morning was the first one on my own completely. No Tyler keeping me company. He had a special practice with his private diving coach. It was strange how much time dragged without Tyler or Reed around to distract me, both in their opposite ways. They both walked into the aquatics center at the same time and seemed to be behaving friendly towards one another. Reed sat on the other end of the counter from me, still respecting my need for distance. Tyler slid over and put his arm around me and I saw Reed’s face grimace a little.

The day went along as usual until my first break with Tyler. He bought me an energy drink, which wasn’t new, but then he toyed with me a little, holding it over my head and pulling it out of reach whenever I grabbed for it. On the last attempt, he caught my arm with his hand and pulled me close, intimately close. “I’ll give it to you on one condition,” he smirked.

“Hmmmmm, I don’t know. I don’t want a cherry energy drink that badly, Tyler. I don’t know that this deck is really stacked in your favor,” I joked, but I was also trying to hide my own fear over where this was going.

“OK, you drive a hard bargain,” he smiled again. His body was so strong and wide, his broad chest almost swallowed me whole. “I’ll throw in this bag of Red Vines.”

That had me laughing uncontrollably. I gathered my composure and then asked “what are your terms, sir?”

“Dinner,” he said, but then held up his hand. “Uh…a date. A dinner date.”

I gulped a bit, almost like a cartoon. I didn’t want to have to answer this. I was at a fork in my road. The one where I told my friends I would turn right, but I instead wanted to pull out my GPS and recalculate.

“Think about it, today. Don’t answer now, but before you leave, OK?” he said, almost sensing my panic. I just nodded and he gave me my treats, not that I could stomach them right now. He sat down and I caught the smirk on his face as he leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes.

I tore at the package of Red Vines a little and then looked up to see Reed watching the entire thing, almost as if it was a show I put on just for him. And that made my heart sink, which worried me all the more.