Waiting on the Sidelines (20 page)

“That’s right…our girls can dance. Let’s celebrate!” he flung his head back gulping a half-bottle of beer at once, then throwing the bottle off into the brush behind him. He spun around on his heels, falling backwards a little and taking a minute to right his balance.

“Reed, come on man. Let me get you home,” Sean said, trying to get his friend to stop.

“I’m fine, Sean. Come on, let’s celebrate,” he said, walking over to one of the seniors he was hanging out with, grabbing his bottle of hard liquor. He raised it over his head. “Let’s toast. Let’s toast. Have you heard? I’m going to be a daddy! Woooooooooo, fuckin’ A! That’s right, wooooooo!”

He took a big drink, wiping his mouth across his sleeve when he was done, holding my gaze the entire time. I was frozen, and couldn’t help the single tear I let slide down my cheek. “That’s right, Nolan. I knocked Tatum up…” he slowly walked closer to me, and the smell of him was making me sick. He tilted his chin up, turned sideways to take another drink, and kept his eyes on me. “So whatcha gonna do about that, huh? How does that fit into your perfect world?”

His eyes flared a bit. He took two fingers and pushed them into my chest, pushing me off balance a little. This pissed Sarah off, who broke our gaze when she yelled at him: “Stay the fuck away from her, Reed. Knock this shit off. You’re drunk, and you’re being an asshole!”

Reed just started laughing as he turned around in a slow circle, taking in the crowd of onlookers, who were several dozen now.

“Reed?” I said so quietly I wasn’t sure it was out loud. It was enough to jolt him to turn right back into my face, the stink of the alcohol on his breath stinging my eyes.

“Nooooooo-laaaaaan,” he said in a mean spirited tone, raising his eyebrows and mocking me, but for what who knew.

Suddenly Tyler was between us, and he was pushing me back. “Hey, man. Don’t talk to her like that,” he defended.

Reed stared at him blankly for a few uncomfortable seconds, and everyone stood silent, wondering if he was going to cry or throw a punch at Tyler’s face. Instead he started laughing, laughing so hard that he had to bend over and hold his knees to catch his breath. He started coughing a little when he grabbed Tyler’s shoulder to brace himself.

“This guy…” he started, pointing at Tyler with his thumb and looking at me, but not with clear focus. “You fuckin’ this guy now? First Sean, now him. Skipped me, huh?”

I don’t know how many milliseconds passed exactly, but I’m sure it was very few. My hand flew to his face so hard I knocked the spit from his lips and sent his head tottering to its side and he stumbled to one knee to get his balance. My face was wet with emotion, but my eyes were full of anger. I just stared at him and watched him try to get up. I didn’t dare say a word. I said all I needed to when my palm made contact with his face. I may have loved Reed, but right now I hated him.

We all watched in silence as he struggled to his feet, checking for blood on his lip with the back of his hand. He laughed a sinister sound as he walked backwards to the shadows again, still looking at me. There was nothing in his eyes. I wasn’t even sure if he would remember this. But I would.

Sean gathered him up and drove him home, Sarah, Sienna and Becky went along, riding in the back. Tyler offered to drive me home, and despite my uneasiness with ever letting anyone see where I lived, I let him.

“You ok?” he said, putting the car in park in my driveway.

I just shook my head in disbelief, staring out his front window, then I turned to him still wet-faced and red from crying. “No. So completely not OK.”

We both took a deep breath and sat there still. I wanted to try to gather myself together enough before I went inside. Tyler didn’t hurry me, and he didn’t talk. I was finally ready, but then a terrible thought hit me – I was working Reed’s shift on Monday.

“Oooooooh crap,” I turned to him. “I’m working the afternoon Monday.”

I just stared at him, sort of hoping he would convince me to call in sick. “It’s ok, I’ll work extra. I’ll be there, too. Since I’ll be in early, I’ll make sure the rotation paper puts you on opposite ends all day.”

“Ok,” was all I could muster.

He just looked at me with sympathy. I sucked in my lips, took a deep breath and then thanked him for the ride. I got out of the car and dug out my key to get inside. I was halfway up the drive when I heard Tyler’s window roll down and he called me back.

“Hey, what’s your number,” he said. I must have made a weird face because he added quickly “oh, I’m not hitting on you. That would be creepy. I just want to send you mine, just in case. If you need anything, ok?”

I smiled and then gave him my number. My phone buzzed with a text from him right away, so I knew I had his, too.

“I’m sorry tonight sucked, Nolan. But thank you for inviting me. I’m glad I was here,…for you,” he smiled softly, a little sympathy to it.

“Me, too,” I said. And I went inside and somehow found sleep.

Monday’s shift was barely tolerable. Reed showed up late for work, so I didn’t have to see him at station assignments. When he did finally show up, he looked even more tired than he had the weeks before. I was sure he had slept through most of the weekend and had probably gotten sick the second Sean got him home.

I didn’t ask Sarah, Sienna or Sean about that night. I didn’t want to relive it any more than I already was every time I had a moment alone. And I didn’t want to hear anything that would make me feel bad for Reed.

He and Tatum were having a baby. The weight of that gave me a near heart attack. And the situation had turned Reed into this horrible, mean monster. I knew he was just attacking everything, trying to tear others down with him, just like his brother had always taught him to do. But the words he said to me couldn’t be forgiven. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through, knowing his future was over, the future he had wanted so badly for both himself and his father. Regardless, I had no part of that, and he had no right to cast any blame my way.

I spent my breaks with Tyler again, and he was back to distracting me and not mentioning Reed at all. I waited in the locker room until Penny told me the coast was clear. I gathered up my things and headed out to the parking lot. Tyler was still there pulling his diving suit and bag from his trunk when he stopped me.

“So…you made it,” he smiled softly.

“Yeah, uh…thanks for taking on the extra work. It helped,” I was honest. I don’t know what I would have done without Tyler’s distraction. “Thanks again.”

Before I got to my car, Tyler ran over and tapped on my trunk to get my attention. “Hey, didn’t mean to scare you,” he smiled. “Was just thinking…you maybe want to hang out for a bit while I dive then grab some dinner? Still not a date, I swear.”

Despite what he said, I got the impression it was still a date in his mind. But, honestly, the continued distraction sounded more inviting than the warning bells in my mind that told me not to jump into something so fast.

“OK, yeah…let me just call home and leave a message for my dad. He worries,” I smiled. Tyler grinned and gave me a wink before he headed back inside.  

I promised my dad I’d be home by 7 guaranteeing I wouldn’t be out with Tyler too long. I sat on the bleachers and watched as he and a couple of other guys from his team stretched. The other two were good, but Tyler was just a hint better. His precision was shocking. His first dive was a little more plain, just a simple tuck and straight into the water. But the more he did, the more complex they seemed to get. Twists, rolls, backwards; each time he entered the water with such a small splash that if I wasn’t looking I would never know the massive movements that were made before he was submerged.

He was toweling off when he came over to sit by me when he was done. I clapped a little like he had done for my silly dance in the desert. “Very impressive,” I said, smiling, blushing a little when I noticed his hard muscles and very small suit.

“Thanks. I’ve been doing it since I was 8, so I hope I at least have some of those down now,” he said, raising one side of his mouth for a half grin. “I’m starving. You have time to eat?”

I looked at my watch. It was 6, but I could probably do something quick. “Maybe a quick bite. Sandwiches or something?” I asked.

“Sounds good. Meet you up front,” he said, backing away and heading for the locker room.

Penny was long gone, so I sat up front alone waiting for him. When Tyler came out, he was dressed in loose jeans, flip flops and a V-necked white T-shirt. His long blond curls were wet and wrestled in varied directions on his head. He looked like a model, but he still wasn’t for me. I was crazy, and I knew it.

We drove separately to the sub shop just down the road. I ordered a ham and cheese and Tyler paid for everything before I could stop him. We talked about normal things over dinner. His brother was a senior at ASU, majoring in engineering. Tyler was hoping to get a scholarship for diving somewhere in California. His parents were both lawyers. He asked about my family, and I talked about my dad’s long days driving deliveries. I mentioned how Mike was a coach at Eastern and how I grew up knowing football because of him. Well, that and everyone in Coolidge was taught football from a young age.

For a moment, I was having fun.

We refilled our drinks and left the restaurant to head to the parking lot. The heat from the nearing sunset was burning my shoulders some. It was amazing how evening held so much heat in Arizona. As promised, Tyler kept our dinner very platonic. He clicked his car button to unlock and held his drink in his other hand and nodded goodbye to me. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yep, see ya then,” I said, opening my door. I stopped and yelled over my roof at him. ”Thanks for today.”

“You got it, Nolan. Anytime,” he smiled, got in and drove away.

The rest of my shifts were mornings, and I was able to avoid Reed all week. I managed to work a break for the end of every shift so I was in the locker room whenever Reed arrived. I suspected Tyler had a hand in that since I knew he checked the schedule every morning.

I was able to make a few open practices at the school gym, too. I was working out hard, and I was hitting the ball harder than I ever had before. The coaches were impressed and told me to keep doing whatever I was doing.
Ha, just get called a slut by your first love everyday, Nolan, I mused to myself.

Days had passed since I had seen my friends. I think they were giving me space, but I was starting to feel a little lonely. I was surprised, then, when Sean was sitting on the bleachers during my open gym session on Friday. I waved a few times and he motioned for me to come by to chat when I could. Between games I grabbed a drink and stopped by to talk.

“What’s up? What are you doing here?” I said, breathing a little hard from my last match.

“Just getting in some weights. We have workouts tonight, nothing formal. Not allowed,” he smiled.

“Ah, that’s right,” I looked down knowing that meant everyone else would be here soon, too.

“So, Buck’s having a BBQ for July 4
^th
,” he looked at me, almost expecting me to say I’d see him there. I just nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I know you won’t be there. I just know he thinks highly about you. He’ll miss you.”

“I like him, too. And if you could promise that his son wouldn’t be there, then I’d show up. But we both know how stupid that is,” I said with a small laugh.

“I know,” he stopped, pausing for a long while. I could tell he had more to say. I kicked at his shoe a little getting him to look up.

“Spill it, cowboy,” I tried to make light of it.

“Noles, Tatum’s making this whole thing up,” he just stared at me, waiting for me to react. All I could do was laugh.

“Sean, you’re reaching for anything,” I said.

“No, I know it, Nolan. I know it,” he had the straightest face. “Look, Devin and Cole saw her out drinking at a club in Tempe the night of the desert party. She was with some of her girlfriends. She’s registered for ASU and is going there this fall. All of her plans are still the same. Now don’t you think if she was having a baby she’d be making a few changes? And drinking on a fake ID would probably be off the table, right?”

I sat down now, deciding to skip out on the next round of games. I just waved a few of the girls off so they could start without me.

“What are you going to do?” I asked, my heart speeding up a little with my anger for Tatum and what she could do.

“I have to tell him. We’re hanging out tonight, I’m staying over to help him set up at his dad’s for the BBQ this weekend,” he said. “Nolan, he’s in a bad place. His drinking is out of control, and he’s missing practices. I don’t want to see him fuck things up. I love that guy like a brother, you know?”

I grabbed his hand and smiled at him, nudging his shoulder with mine. “I know. You’re a good guy, Sean.”

He stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder. I followed him out the door to the hallway to the locker room entrances. My mind was tumbling between this new information and the anger that still brewed in me over Reed’s words and behavior. No matter what my tangled heart was feeling, I still didn’t want to see Reed throw his future away. He was so gifted. And I didn’t want to see him disappoint Buck.

“Hey, Sean?” I stopped him before he got inside the door. “Would you let me know how it goes? I just…need to know he’s ok. Just let me know?”

He smiled tight-lipped and nodded once, heading inside.

I finished another game, packed my stuff and escaped before the rest of the team showed up, avoiding Reed like I had done all week. My phone was buzzing as I got out of my shower and noticed I had a text from Tyler.

What are your plans for 4
^th
?

I sent back:

I got nothing

I wasn’t sure where this was going, and I wasn’t sure where I wanted it to go.

Wanna see a baseball game? Todd has suite tickets. We’re playing the Dodgers.

How could I resist that.

I’m in.

I loved baseball, and there would be a group of us again. It felt safe.

OK, I’ll pick you up around 4. We want to get there early enough for the free T-shirts
J

I wrote back:

I love free T-shirts!

And it was refreshing to see the embarrassingly awkward Nolan make an appearance again. I tossed my phone on my bed and went into the living room to join my dad for a little dinner in front of the TV. My mom was working late, so dad made chili. I loved these nights, even though I looked forward to my mom coming home. There was something special about watching reruns of old sitcoms with my dad over his greasy chili.

Mom came home around 10, and I gave her a big kiss and decided to call it a night. I was exhausted from my hours of play at the gym and getting up early was making me go to bed earlier and earlier. I checked my phone one more time before plugging it in to charge and noticed another text alert. It was Sean.

I told him. It did not go well. He made me drive him to her house. He confronted her, called her some shit, threw a few things, broke a few things, and then we came back to Buck’s. He’s drinking again. A lot. Buck’s in Tucson. I’m worried.

I sat there and read his note a few times, wondering what to do. I pushed the phone aside and turned my light off, lying down on my bed. There was nothing I could do, but I couldn’t get Sean’s worry out of my own mind. I looked at my phone again and noted the time stamp. It said 8:30. Two hours ago.

A few more minutes passed before I decided I needed to know how the night ended.

Sorry, just got this. Was with my dad. Everything ok?

I waited, and waited. Almost 30 minutes passed before I heard from Sean again.

Yes. He passed out a little bit ago. I got him upstairs. I’m in the spare room. He’s wrecked. Buck comes home in the morning. I just hope he can hold it together for the party.

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly. I hated the spiral Reed was on. And I just couldn’t seem to make sense out of the version of him I was so intimate with just a few weeks ago. This
new
him was so destructive and hateful.

Let me know if I can do anything. Thank you, Sean.

I put my phone on my desk and decided I had to stop.

I don’t remember what I dreamt, but I know I woke up every few hours feeling like I needed to cry but nothing would come out. I tried waiting in the bathroom to be sick, but nothing happened there either. I wandered my tiny house in the dark a few times before making my way back to my bedroom and forcing myself asleep again and again. I woke up for the final time at 6, exhausted.

On autopilot, I put on a pair of running shorts and slid my feet into my tennies. I was never much of a long-distance runner, but something in me felt like my body needed it this morning. I drank a giant glass of water in the kitchen and left my parents a note on the counter. They always slept in late on Saturdays; it was their one day.

I laced my shoes tightly on the porch and jumped down to the gravel. I started a slow pace down my small road and ran along the desert trail along the side of the main road all the way into town. I would guess I made it about four miles by the time I got to the school. I was breathing hard and needed water badly. I snuck through a small space in the fence and made my way to the drinking fountain by the baseball field, taking a good drink.