Waiting on the Sidelines (30 page)

“This…is my favorite,” he said, tapping his finger on the picture of us.

“Oh, shut up, no it’s not,” I teased, tossing one of the sofa pillows at him. He grabbed it and threw it right back at me, laughing but then turning very serious.

“No, really. This is my favorite. Come here,” he patted his lap, so I slid over, taking a seat on his knee. “Look, do you see the face you’re making?”

I was embarrassed to look, blushing a little. I know the face I was making because it was sheer bliss. I couldn’t believe Reed was laying on me, so close. “Yes, I know,” I hid my face, embarrassed.

Reed pulled my chin up and gave me the sweetest, softest kiss. “Don’t be embarrassed. I love that face you’re making. I was making it, too,” he smiled. “You loved me then, and I can’t tell you how freakin’ happy that makes me.” 

Still a little embarrassed, I just nestled into his shoulder a little, and he held me close, flipping back through the pages of his book, telling me a little about some of the photos I didn’t recognize.

After almost an hour, he pulled the binding straps around the scrapbook and placed it back in the box, closing the lid. He picked it up and grabbed my hand, leading me upstairs with him. I watched as he slid the box under his bed and then came over to me, picking me up under the arms and raising me up above him then letting me slide down tightly into his arms. “Thank you, Nolan. You always give me the most amazing gifts, truly special,” I could feel his smile against my face.

“It’s cuz I love you,” I shrugged, growing more and more confident when those words left my lips.

“Yeah, you always did,” he smiled big then kissed me for the next hour.

My junior year was shaping up to be a fairytale. I attended every single one of Reed’s games that season, even the ones that were out in the far corners of the state. Since Sarah and Sienna were always going for cheer and band, my parents were more apt to allow Becky and me to make the road trips on our own.

My heart stopped each time Reed would lift me up after one of his games, either on his way to the bus or coming out of the locker room. So many times had I watched longingly as he held Tatum. Thoughts of her still poisoned my self-esteem, but I was coming around more and more to the realization that Reed was with me; he was mine and I was his.

The Bears made it all the way to the state title game again, losing by a touchdown in a last-minute drive against Yuma. Reed took the loss pretty hard, always feeling like the entire town’s hopes were on his back. I knew Buck really wanted to see a repeat title victory for his son, too. But despite the loss, Reed’s performance is what seemed to light up the media spotlight. He had set a new record of more than 4,000 passing yards for the season, and ESPN was coming to town to do a short feature on him for a high school round up segment at the start of the next season.

The calls from colleges were really firing now, and Buck was in his element. The stack of offers was growing, and the pressure was starting to get to Reed a little by the time the holidays rolled around. I talked my parents into letting him stay at our house for a few days between Christmas and New Year’s because his dad was going to be out of town so much taking meetings. Reed spent most of those days tinkering in the garage with my dad on his pickup, and I think Reed really liked the time away from talking football. My dad really liked having someone who knew a little about cars around, too.

Reed didn’t dare sneak into my room at night, I think partly because my father put the fear of God into him. But Reed also respected my dad and his rules. That’s not to say I didn’t find my way to the couch during a few late nights, but that was different than sneaking Reed into my bedroom. At least, that’s what we rationalized during our all-night make-out sessions in front of the television.

The hype from football died down some in the spring, a welcome reprieve for Reed and Buck, who was getting a little tired of the traveling. He was also starting to mix up his colleges, no longer able to rattle off who guaranteed to start Reed and which ones would place him in the back-up position.

It was my first road trip on the bus with Reed for the track season, and I was smitten. He and I, along with Becky and Sean, grabbed the back seats on the bus before we hit the road for a three-hour trek up north to Holbrook High School. Reed teased me while I folded up my legs and finished up my pre-calc homework. “Nerd,” he jested.

Once done with my studies, though, I spent most of the way there sharing headphones with Reed and forcing him to listen to my favorite songs on the playlist I had downloaded the night before. I snuggled up in between the window and his arm, burying my face a little in his chest as we listened for more than an hour to my favorite Shins album and The Lumineers. I endured his occasional jokes about my ‘chick music’ and then let him show me what a real man listens to. I was starting to tolerate his rap and heavy rock more, too, probably because it reminded me of him.

We set up camp in the middle of the field and I stilled a little at the sight of my stuff mixed up with Reed’s, like I had always pictured it in my dreams. We ran together and took our water breaks together, and I stretched by his field events just to watch him throw the shot put and disc. He was so much stronger now, and it was like watching a young Olympian when he threw, easily taking first place in both of his events.

He, Becky and Sean spread around the field for my event, yelling for me to run faster and cheering me on as I passed each of them. Reed was at the finish line waiting for me when I was done and wrapped me up in his strong arms with such force that you would have thought he was celebrating my win rather than the fourth place tie that had actually happened.

I couldn’t wait to climb back into the bus for our trip home. There was something about laying my head in Reed’s lap and folding my legs up on the seat, something about the way his soft and warm sweatshirt felt as I snuggled in close that made my already captured heart melt even more. I think this is the moment I had anticipated most since we had begun dating.

Shrouded in the darkness as we wound through the northern mountain passes making our way back home, I felt at complete ease. A lot of the people around us were either sleeping or watching videos and listening to music, and our small little bus seat felt a million miles away and just ours.

“What’s on your mind,” Reed asked, stroking my hair behind my ear and looking down at me, his perfect dimples simply perfect.

“Nothing,” I bit the inside of my cheek a little and blushed, pushing my face into his chest so he couldn’t see my embarrassment.

Reed tickled me a little to force me out of hiding, leaning down to push his forehead to mine while he kissed the tip of my nose. “That doesn’t look like nothing,” he teased. “Come on, you can tell me. Just say it; you think I’m cute don’t you!”

He was joking with me, and it was adorable. “Well, you’re alright, I guess,” I rolled my eyes, joking back.

He dug in for another tickle. “Hey, you’re no looker either, sister. Us uglies have to stick together,” he shot back, then broke into a huge smile. I stuck my tongue out at him and with lightning speed he pulled me to him and kissed me hard.
Another perk to the back of the bus, I thought.

I watched our hands together as Reed held me across his lap and chest, twining his fingers with mine and stroking the top of my thumb and then the inside of my palm. I snuck glances at his face and my heart swelled to see him look just as happy as I felt. Then the words just slipped out of me.

“How many girls have you slept with,” fire burning on my cheeks, I have no idea where that came from. My eyes lit up, my eyebrows raised and I cupped my hand over my mouth, muffling my next words a little. “Oh my god, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Reed just hugged me tight, chuckling a little. “You’re adorable, you know that?” he tried to make me feel better. He held me tight for a few seconds and I felt him take a deep breath in. I knew he was trying not to talk about Tatum with me, but I also knew it was inevitable. I knew they had slept together…a lot.

“Four,” he was matter-of-fact.

His words stunned me a bit, my body growing rigid and my eyes falling to look strictly at our hands again, not wanting to give anything away.
Four? I was not thinking four! Two, maybe. Honestly, I was really thinking one! Who were the other three?

“I’m not proud of it,” he sighed, sensing my growing insecurity. “And I would take all of them back if I could. You know that, right?”

He lifted my chin to look me in the eyes, his so sincere. Mine revealed how shocked and unsettled I was by his confession. I opened my mouth to speak, but didn’t know the words, so I just closed it again.

Reed reached down to brush my hair out of my face and touch my cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, Noles, but I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Anything you need to know and deserve to know. But I’m not asking you to have sex with me, not unless you want to. I’ll never be that guy,” he was stern.

He was still fighting not to be Tyler. “I know,” I smiled at him. “You make me feel safe.” I hugged him tightly again.

I felt him relax a little and kiss the top of my head. “OK, well, you know about Tatum. She was my first. And, well, that’s because I was an adolescent teenaged boy with hormones busting at the seams and…hell, you know the rest,” he paused, looking out the window for a few seconds either to see if I would stop him or to gather the courage to continue. I wanted to know, but at the same time I didn’t.

“And…numbers two, three and four?” I questioned, meekly, sort of figuring it out by the timing.

“I said I wasn’t proud,” Reed said, looking at me again and then looking away. “Morgan was my second… you know? The lifeguard that worked with us this summer?”

I gulped at his words, willing myself to be a big girl about this.
He’s with me now, he’s with me now.
The words played over and over in my head, reminding me.

“Well, Morgan had a friend named Mandy. We were at a party one night and I sort of found myself with her,” he said quietly, scrunching his face a bit in shame. “That’s sort of when Morgan told me to kiss her ass.”

“Good for Morgan,” I shot back, then slapped my hand to my mouth again.
Still talking out loud.
“Sorry,” I bowed my eyes and grinned for forgiveness. He just squeezed me tighter.

I was curious who the last one was. He was looking out the window for quite some time, not wanting to admit anything to me. I couldn’t take the waiting. “I have to know,” I held his arm, willing him to say it.

“Calley,” he said, and my mouth tasted like bile.
Sarah’s sister? This was a sucker punch!

My reflexes had me turning a little away from him, fighting to process his honesty against my desire to be angry at the new information. I was so sure he was going to say Stephanie or some other cheerleader, not the friend of his ex-girlfriend and one of my best friend’s sister.

But Reed wasn’t letting me drift away from him. He held my gaze, willing me to look at him. He wanted to make it ok, and he wasn’t going to let me go without making it so. He moved his hand to my face and forced my gaze to his, revealing the puffy eyes I was fighting against to keep the tears inside.

I raised my sleeve and wiped my eyes a little. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry, that one just… surprised me,” I admitted. “I just thought Calley knew how I felt about you.”

I shrugged a little and tried to look away, but Reed pulled my face back to look at his. “Don’t do that, don’t run away from me,” he said, sternly. “And don’t blame Calley. She was at the desert party the night you picked me up. She was drunk. I was…drunk.”

Yes, that I remember. Reed was at his worst that night. The first night he told me he loved me.

“I was running my mouth off to her in the back of her car, telling her how you were with this dickhead and I fucked everything up and she was consoling me and then we both did a bunch of shots of what-the-fuck-I-don’t-know,” Reed was revealing how that night unfolded. I guess I never really thought about the part before I got there.

“It sort of happened somewhere after that. And that’s when I started texting you because I just wanted to erase it, knew I was fucking everything up…even more than I had already, if that was even possible.”

“Calley started crying telling me to never tell anyone and to pretend it didn’t happen. Noles, she never wanted to hurt you either. You have to know, she was so drunk. She got sick after that, passed out in her back seat and shit.”

He just stopped at that, and held my stare, watching me process. I couldn’t tell him it was ok, because it stung like hell. But it was the past, before
us.
I didn’t like that it was Calley, but I didn’t really like that it was Tatum, or Morgan, or… Amanda? And I think what had me more upset than anything was that I was never going to be able to compete with that.

After several minutes, I snuggled into Reed, looking for relief. I felt his shoulders relax as he brought his warm arms around me and his hands rubbed my arms. “I’m never going to be what they were,” I confessed, revealing all of my insecurities. I saw each of those girls as women, whereas I was just some stupid girl. I suddenly had no idea what Reed was doing with me.

I was about to give in to my self doubt when I felt his breath near my ear, his lips light on my skin as he whispered. “Baby, you’re so much more,” he was soft, gentle. “You have no idea. You’re so beautiful, and I love you, and if you ever want to be with me, I’ll be the luckiest dude on earth… but not unless you want to share that with me,” he kissed my neck and then buried his face in it, breathing me in.

Somehow he was erasing the hurt. I didn’t know how he had that power, but he did. It still upset me to think about Calley, but here in the moonlight with Reed, it was easier to accept. And I would learn to.

I decided to keep Reed and Calley to myself, knowing that it would cause a rift between Sarah and her sister. And I knew deep down that Calley didn’t want to hurt me. It took me a little while to bury the sting, but it hurt less and less each time I was with Reed.

Track season ended, as did my favorite bus trips with him. The end of the school year was almost here. Reed and I joked that we wouldn’t be spending this summer working at the aquatics center. The thought of seeing Tyler’s face again made my gut recoil, and I know Reed would punch him on sight. I had decided to take a job at the MicNic burger, mostly because I liked the novelty of wearing roller skates, which the wait staff got to. Plus, I got a little thrill out of bringing my dad home free cheeseburgers from time to time.

My birthday was coming up, and I was nervous about Reed’s plans. He was taking me out Friday after school and gave me specific instructions. So specific, they came with a list. He said he was making up for the date that never was, the one he had planned to take me on before Tatum ruined us the first time.

I checked my backpack Thursday night to make sure I had everything Reed asked for: a full change of clothes, sweatpants and sweatshirt, tooth brush, my favorite songs on my iPod, a flashlight and an orange crayon.
The list was strange, I thought, but I was game. I was dying to know his plans.