Waiting on the Sidelines (26 page)

The cold metal of the lockers was like fire on my hot face as I leaned into them, turning to slide my back against them as I let the tears come on full force now. I heard the sound of the doors slam again seconds later and I held my breath, hoping I could hide from anyone coming in, until I saw Reed’s frame fill the hallway leading to the lockers.

“Oh god,” I said through the tears, embarrassed and not wanting him to see me. I turned to walk quickly, heading farther into the locker room, somehow thinking I could either lose him or he would change his mind and leave.

He didn’t, though. His hand grabbed my wrist when I tried to pick up speed and he jerked me back into him, trying to wrap me up in his arms. I fought against his chest, beating against it with my pitiful fists. “Reed, just go. Just let me go, I don’t want you to see me,” I begged, but he stayed.

I fought harder, my hair flying wild around me and my sweatshirt falling from my waist and dragging on the floor. I was forced to stop when my back hit the bank of tall lockers along the back wall.

“Nolan, stop fighting me. Just stop!” he yelled, slamming one of his hands on the locker next to my head. He took a deep breath and moved his other hand to slide my nest of hair from out of my tear-strewn face, flinching a little when he realized how hard I had been crying.

“Oh, Nolan. You’re crying,” he was tender, his eyes showing his own hurt. My bottom lip was still quivering and I just looked down at both of our feet. He was so close I could taste him. It was almost like I could feel his lips without them even touching mine.

He tucked my hair behind my ears and moved his sleeve down over his palm a little to wipe away my tears from my cheeks, which of course only made me start to cry again. Exasperated, he let his arms slump next to his sides. He stepped back a little and turned from me, groaning with frustration, kicking at the other lockers and then swearing. When he came back to face me, he put both palms flat against the lockers on either side of my head. He took his thumb and lifted my chin to force my gaze to his. My eyes were puffy and hard to open. Everything was blurry.

“God, Nolan. Is this because you saw me with Stephanie?” he asked.

“That’s her name?” I spit back, almost a little nastily.

He just looked down, inhaling deeply. “Yeah, Nolan. That’s her name,” he paused. “It doesn’t matter, though. Who cares who it is, Nolan. It doesn’t matter.” His eyes were drilling into mine, and he was shifting his gaze between my eyes and my mouth. The sensation made my lips twitch.

Still angry and hurt, I kept my nasty tone. “You said you’d be right back,” I said. “That was half an hour ago, Reed.”

He just continued to stare at me. I was letting the tears drop down my cheeks again. I wanted him to see them, have to atone for them. Finally he turned his face sideways. “Fuck!” he screamed, smacking his palm on the locker again so loudly that I flinched. “Nolan, I couldn’t come back,” he stopped, breathing hard. “I needed to stop whatever was happening. If I would have come back, I would have kissed you, Nolan. And I can’t kiss you.”

“Why?” I blurted out before I could stop myself. The tears still pouring out, my lips shivering even more now.

He looked down and then moved closer, pushing his forehead to mine. He slid his hands to my face, tenderly drying my wet cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. I could smell the mint on his breath and feel the heat radiating off of his body. When he licked his lips I fought against my urge to move my mouth to his. We were inches apart and his hands were holding my head in place. His eyes were closed and his breathing was hard, but steady.

“I can’t kiss you, Nolan,” he whispered. I reached up and grabbed fistfuls of the sides of his shirt, clinging to it. “You’re with him, Nolan. It’s not right, and I can’t kiss you when you’re with him. Why are you with him, Nolan? Why the hell are you with him?”

He just shook his head, still pressed against my forehead. I felt despair and longing unlike I had ever felt before. “I couldn’t have you. I didn’t know what to do,” I pleaded.

With a swift movement, Reed backed away from me, turning to face the other wall and smacking it hard with another loud groan. “You need to make a choice, Nolan,” he said quietly, not turning to face me. And then I watched him leave, the doors swinging shut behind him. 

I spent the rest of the lock-in holed up in the locker room. I didn’t see Reed when I left, and that was probably for the best. My head felt so confused, but my heart wasn’t. I never really stopped loving Reed Johnson. I was angry at him. There was a whole lot of anger. But there was always love there, too. That’s why it hurt so damn bad.

I was dreading the homecoming dance. I was grateful that Sarah was taking care of my hair and make up. My dress was a short flirty black one with sparkles and no sleeves. It fit perfectly, and up until today I was desperately looking forward to wearing it.

Tyler was meeting us at Sarah’s house, so I did a few final turns in the mirror before he got there. Sarah had tucked my hair up in a twist, and she spiral curled the small wispy hairs that didn’t fit. My makeup made me look like a college coed. Sarah had a gift for this. My brown eyes against the dark, smoky charcoal colors made me look sexy, mature. She had forced me to try a deep red lipstick, which actually looked amazing. She gave me the tube to tuck into my small purse in case I needed to touch it up later.

My stomach was fluttering, both nervous about Tyler seeing me and about me seeing Reed later. I was also nervous about how I was going to sort things out. I knew what my heart felt, but being honest about it and putting myself on the line again was another thing.

The doorbell rang and Sarah’s mom let Tyler in. Sarah’s date, a senior named Jax, showed up soon after. Sienna was going to meet us there. She was going with a boy she had dated a few times from band, Micah.

Not wanting to put it off much longer, I finally stepped down Sarah’s stairs into the living room. Tyler stood up and let his gaze start at my legs and make its way up to my eyes. He looked awestruck, which stole my breath a little. It was flattering to have someone look at me with that kind of wanting.

“Wow, you look…” he just stopped, raising his eyebrows. I blushed a little.

“Really?” I giggled. “Thanks.”

He took my hand and kissed it and then pulled out a small corsage that he slipped on my wrist. It was a beautiful black ribbon with white roses. “Thank you, that’s so pretty,” I smiled.

We walked out to his car where he held the door open for me. I watched him walk around the car to the other side and admired how nice he looked in his suit. He had slim gray pants on with a straight, fitted gray jacket. His white shirt was open a little at the top, hinting at his perfect chest underneath.
He was handsome, I admired.

When we were almost to the school, he leaned over and kissed my cheek, smiling. “You are gorgeous,” he said.

I just blushed again and looked down at my fidgeting hands on my lap. “Thanks, I feel a little weird. This isn’t my normal look,” I admitted, shyly.

He just smiled, looking out the window and checking his mirrors as we pulled into the old barn house that was decorated for the homecoming dance. It was a tradition, one we’d kept up for 40 years. The homecoming dance was always held at Winter’s Barn, which was really only used for special events now. Years ago, it was a working barn and students had to dance among penned animals. This smell was definitely preferred.

Before we got out of the car, Tyler turned to me, scrunching his face a little like he was thinking. “So, there’s this party later tonight. It’s by my school, with a lot of my friends. No desert,” he joked. “Anyhow, I was wondering… do you think you’d be up to going after the dance?”

I was a little off guard. I thought about it, and it entirely depended on the direction my evening went. I decided to leave it open. “Maybe. I’d like to, but maybe ask me after the dance? You know… in case I’m beat.”

There, that was good.
He just smiled and nodded an ok.

We walked up to the door the same time as Sarah and Jax and we all went inside together. Everything was perfect. The seniors always get to decorate for the dance. They had strung white lights everywhere and lined the entrance with a twisted arch of black and white balloons. There were fiber strings dangling from the ceiling, too, making it look like sparkling stars were hovering above. Each table had a small, simple candle and white table cloths. The white chairs were tied with giant black ribbons
. It was exactly as I’d want my wedding to be, I thought, minus the balloons.

I took Tyler’s arm and we followed Sarah to a table near Sean and Becky, who were adorably matched, her gray dress complementing his gray shirt and silver tie. “Woah, what a fox,” Becky joked, flitting up my skirt a little.

“Thanks,” I smiled, my eyes squinting as I shielded myself from the burning attention.

Sean walked over and gave me a small kiss on the cheek, whispering in my ear “you look amazing, Noles.” I just smiled back at him and touched his cheek. He was a good one.

Before he left, I grabbed his arm and made an urgent face. He knew what it meant. “Yeah, he’s here. He brought Stephanie. They’re sitting with us,” he cowered a little, afraid of how I would take it. I just nodded and said “OK.”

I put my purse down and decided to lead Tyler out to the dance floor. It was a nice slow song, so I put my cheek flat against his shoulder and tucked my hand underneath. We rocked back and forth slowly and I felt his fingertips glide up and down my bare back. It was soothing, somewhat. But whereas it may have possibly lit my body with desire a few days ago, it only lulled me into a feeling of sleepiness tonight.

My eyes wandered around the room, searching for Reed. I knew that my heart would both soar and sink the second I found him, but I had to find him anyhow. He was my drug. I saw Stephanie first. She had on a skin-tight pink dress that hitched way up on her thighs and her golden hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail with layers of curls. My eyes caught her wrist as it dangled over Reed’s shoulder. She was wearing a delicate white corsage, mostly baby’s breath. It was feminine and subtle.
Exactly the type of thing Reed liked, I thought.

Reed’s back was to me, which gave me time on my own to take him in. He was wearing a formal, fitted sweater, mostly black. I could see the hints of the gray and light blue argyle pattern on the front as he was slowly turning. His straight, black pants were tight on his muscles and melted into his black shoes. He looked like a GQ ad, his hair smoothed back, but still curled a bit on the ends. I could only imagine what this dark look did to his bright green eyes.

I tucked my chin in more to Tyler’s chest as we turned, hiding my gaze from Reed, hoping he wouldn’t see me watching. His eyes were looking out over the crowd, his interest clearly not in his date. This made my insides warm over.

Finally, he spotted me. I lifted my face a small bit to acknowledge that I was looking, too. Our eyes were locked on each other as we both turned slowly, almost as if we were dancing with one another despite being in strangers’ arms. Reed never smiled. Not once. But he also never wavered, holding me in his gaze until the song ended. I watched him walk over to the table and sit in a chair next to Sean while Stephanie went to greet some of her friends, his stare continuing to focus on me while I stayed on the dance floor.

Tyler and I remained out there for another song and then he led me back to our table before he left to find a restroom. My back was to Reed as I sat next to Sarah and Jax, listening to Sarah talk loudly about how the DJs at the school dances never play hard enough music. I feigned listening to her, nodding and smiling some as I looked sideways, but I knew Reed was still watching.

I was acutely aware of the angle of my face and chin as I turned my head, aware of how my eyes looked and which way the strands of my hair fell. I pulled the lipstick from my small purse and held up the tiny mirror from my compact, slowly tracing my lips with it and rubbing them together with the glossy red before putting it away. There was a fire in me that was forcing me to act out, draw Reed in, and I couldn’t stop myself.

The sound of the chair scratching along the floor as he stood up caused me to turn slightly more, and then his hand was on my bare shoulder. He leaned down next to me, his mouth actually touching my ear a little as he spoke. “So, do I get a dance?” he asked, his voice full of suggestion and confidence. I could have been held at gun point and there was no way I was saying no.

Turning to face him as I stood, I caught myself a little in awe. He was wickedly handsome, and when his eyes dipped to take in my entire body I melted. Purposely fluttering my eyes and looking up at him, I smiled softly and took his hand to lead him out to the dance floor.

He grabbed both of my hands and pulled them around his neck, sliding his own down my arms until finally letting them land at the small of my back. We swayed slowly, intensely staring at one another, both wearing suspiciously faint smiles. I narrowed my eyes a little and turned my head to our table to see Sarah and Sienna whispering (about us, I was sure).

“So, how’s your date,” Reed asked, pointed and short. Still focusing on my face, my mouth.

“He’s fine, thank you very much,” I said curtly. “How’s…Stephanie?”

He crooked up the side of his mouth, giving me a dimple and a devious smile. “She’s fine.”

We continued to sway back and forth, the electricity between us growing just a bit more with every turn. When I noticed Tyler come back to the table and sit by Sarah, I started to grow less sure of myself, the guilt of my actions settling in some. And Reed noticed. Bending his lips down to my ear again, he spoke privately to me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, leaning back to look me in the eyes, his face harder now, determined and slightly angry. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my fingers were going numb around his neck. I was so scared to give in, afraid that as soon as I did Tatum would show up just to yank my happiness out from under me again. Afraid Reed was in on the joke the entire time. My five minutes of courage was fading, and fast.

Reed halted us for just a moment, forcing me to look him in the eyes. He could see the doubt in my face. He looked over at the table briefly and then back to me, pulling me back in to continue our dance. “Damn it, Nolan. You are such a coward,” he spat. His words stung a little, and I pushed back into his chest freeing myself. I walked over to the table and grabbed Tyler’s hand and led him to the dance floor, leaving Reed there alone.

“Hi. I was just waiting for you to get back,” I smiled at Tyler, pulling him to me and turning so my eyes targeted Reed, who stood there with his hands in his pockets, shaking his head. I know I was being spiteful, but he had no idea how many bad falls I had gone through over him, and I guess somewhere along the way my trust was shaken too much.

I stayed on the dance floor for a few songs in a row, Sarah and Jax joining us for a few of the fast songs. Tyler seemed to be completely unaware of my internal battle, which gave me some relief.

When we finally started dancing to another slow song, I looked back to the table, obsessed with keeping tabs on Reed’s location. This was a mistake, though, as he had pulled Stephanie onto his lap where he was brushing her hair from her shoulders and nestling at the nape of her neck. Then, he looked directly at me, pausing for a second, his jaw hardening, and then reaching for her face, he pulled her into a deep, powerful kiss.

He wanted me to see that!
I was filled with rage. I tiptoed up to reach Tyler’s ear. “Hey, I think I’d like to go to your party. You wanna leave in a few to get there in time?” I gulped.

He just smiled down at me. “Yeah, that sounds good. I think you’ll like it,” he was oblivious to the fact that I was taking him up on an escape route.

We left when the song ended, and I made sure Reed noticed as I walked by with Tyler in hand. The party was at a huge house in a gated community on the outskirts of Chandler, so we didn’t have to drive far from the desert stretch of highway. Tyler was right, this party was different. Even though there was a lot of excessive drinking at the desert parties, something about this one made the alcohol all seem more apparent. Every person in the house was holding a cup, and the music was radiating off of the walls. The house was littered with plates and wrappers.
I would hate to clean this up, I thought.

Tyler lead me into the kitchen where he introduced me to a few of his friends, one of whom I had met from the diving meets I went to with him. Everyone seemed like they came from wealthy families. The cars in the driveway as we walked in signaled some of what I was getting into. The BMWs and Escalades were numerous. The girls all were dressed in tight jeans and cropped shirts with giant heels, fashionable and much more mature than the flirty prom dress I was wearing.

Tyler handed me a cup and filled it with beer from a nozzle that he stretched out from a keg on the counter.
Oh, I didn’t think about this.
I’ve only ever had a beer or two at family weddings and reunions, because my uncle thought it was funny to sneak it
to the youngsters. Afraid of being laughed at or teased, I just smiled and took a sip. The beer was cold and tangy, cheap I was sure.

I followed Tyler to the dining room where a few of his other friends were playing a game. “Let’s play,” he said, pulling his jacket off and putting it on the back of a chair.

I still wasn’t sure, but I had gotten myself to this point and I was pretty sure I had the power to stay in control, so I just shrugged and sat down next to him.