Waiting on the Sidelines (35 page)

I left Buck and met up with Sarah and she motioned to the fence by the field. I turned to see what she was looking at and saw that Calley and Tatum were standing there next to Reed’s mother.

“What are they doing here,” I am sure I sounded as offended as I was.  

“No idea,” she shrugged. “My sister didn’t even mention that she was driving back into town tonight.”

I hated that Calley and Tatum still lived together. It felt like a double betrayal. I hadn’t told Sarah about Calley sleeping with Reed, but seeing them here and knowing that they spent time with Reed over the summer was making it harder for me to maintain my cool. Even worse, Reed’s mother was talking with them. Accepting them, like she never would me.

I was only getting furious, and that wouldn’t do me any good. I decided I needed to get myself away from the situation in order to think clearly. “You mind giving me a ride? I don’t think Reed’s going to come home for a while, and he’s pretty pissed,” I asked Sarah.

She stopped to stare at me for a while, I knew she understood more than she let on, but she finally just gave in and did what I asked. “Sure, I get it,” she just shrugged.

During the entire ride home with Sarah I wondered if Reed even noticed I was gone. I also wondered if he stopped to talk to Tatum and Calley when they were with his mother, and if he was pleasant to them, unlike he had been with me lately. I wondered why his mother had shown up at all. She rarely came to his games, and Reed wasn’t playing tonight.

By the time Sarah dropped me off, I had worked myself up into quite a frenzy. My parents seemed surprised when I came into the house so early. I think they expected me to be out with Reed.
Hadn’t they noticed we hadn’t been out on a date in weeks?

“You ok, honey?” my mom asked as I walked in and stopped to sit on the end of the sofa for a few minutes.

“Yeah… just tired,” I said. And I was tired, but I was also fueled with anger.

I headed back to my room where I sat on the edge of my bed for about half an hour, trying to talk myself into calling Reed. Finally, when I reached a boiling point, I dialed.

“Hey,” he answered, short.

“Yeah, hey,” I copied his tone.

We both sat silent for a few uncomfortable seconds and then he talked. “You just left? What the hell?” he seemed angry, which only set me off more.

“Yeah, I did. It looked like you had a lot of
fans
waiting for you and I didn’t want to get in your way, you know, cramp your style,” I was being a bitch now, but I didn’t care. And I couldn’t stop.

“Noles, you’re being stupid, stop it,” he threw back.

I didn’t like that word – stupid. “Really? That’s all you’ve got? I don’t know Reed, you spend the summer with two girls you slept with, one who bullied me to near breaking point, and you’re just going to chalk it up to me being stupid right now?” I was breathing heavy, fuming.

Reed just let out a long sigh.

“What’s wrong, Reed, nothing to say to that?” I wasn’t letting him off so easily.

“Nolan, you’re overreacting. You need to let the Tatum thing go. We hardly talked all summer, and I was just being polite. Come on, give me some credit,” I could hear his eyes rolling.

I sat there in stunned silence for a while, not sure what to say next. We were not in a good place, and Reed was just ignoring it because that was easy. But I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I knew he was hurting from his arm and not being able to play, but he was taking it out on me,
on us!

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm down. “Reed, I know you’re upset about your arm,” he tried to interrupt but I kept going. “But I’m still here. Here for you, to support you and listen to you. And when you show up with Tatum and Calley’s signature on your cast but you can’t even text me goodnight or give me the time of day, well I guess it sort of made me question things. Can’t you see that, just a little?”

Silence. We both sat there soaking in my words and finally I could hear him moving a little, rustling on his phone. “You’re right,” he relented. “I’m sorry.”

“Just don’t shut me out,” I said, hoping it would really sink in.

“I’m not good at this, failing? I just…I don’t know how to not be whole. I feel stuck, and my options are all disappearing. It’s just…scary, you know?”

He was talking. I couldn’t believe I had him talking, and I was so thankful. “Yeah, I know. And it’s ok to feel scared. And I know you don’t believe me, but I know you’ll be just as good when you get your cast off. I know you can come back from this, Reed.”

He just sighed heavily. “Thanks,” he finally let out, softly. “I gotta go. But I am sorry.”

I could tell he was, but he was still not right. It was going to take some work to bring him back from the dead. But I was up for it.

“I love you,” I said just before we hung up.

“Me, too,” he responded, and my heart kicked a little not hearing the words, but I had done enough tonight. I wouldn’t push any more.

Homecoming had arrived and Sienna, Sarah and I were prepping the gym and the classrooms for our senior lock-in. Reed and I were still strained, but I was forcing him to talk more, and he wasn’t giving up. His cast was set to come off next week and he was determined to work hard and maybe get in one regular season game in. It looked like the Bears might just make the playoffs, but barely.

Tonight’s game was an important one. We still had a shot without winning, but the door would close just a little more. Reed had been working with Kyle all week, studying game tape from the Yuma games so he’d be ready for the pass rush. I impressed Reed a little knowing what that was.

He had come over for dinner last night and for a brief few hours we felt like we were back to where we were. He snuck holding my hand under the dinner table and even gave me a passionate kiss goodnight before he went home. He sent me a text to have sweet dreams, too, and I had looked at it about a dozen times today.

When things looked about set, I walked Sienna over to the band room before the game. I needed some alone time with her, and between her dating Micah and Sarah being with us most of the time, I hadn’t had a chance to let her in my head much lately.

“So, you wanna tell me what’s going on or do you just want me to guess?” Sienna was so intuitive.

I smiled at her and nudged her shoulder a little with mine while we walked slowly through the halls. “Things are…” I didn’t know how to classify my relationship. We had a few good moments, but on the whole, my relationship was failing, fighting for air. Reed hadn’t touched me intimately since the accident and even his kisses felt forced. “We’re sort of stuck. Since the accident. Reed’s so depressed, and I can see it. And he just won’t let me in. What’s worse is he’s taking it out on me. Sienna, I feel like his arm is my fault somehow…”

This was the first time I’d said out loud what I’d been thinking all along. I was there when it happened, and if Reed hadn’t been driving me through the desert at that time, he wouldn’t have had that accident. He was taking me home from his mother’s damn party, and she’d been hateful. But he was making me feel loved, and then everything changed.

“Nolan, you know that’s crazy, right?” Sienna was staring at me. I just shrugged. “OK, this is going to take more than just a short talk on my way to band. Come in with me.”

I followed her into the dressing room and helped her unpack her uniform and get changed. There were a lot of pieces to her uniform and it was weird being in the changing room while 30 other girls were all throwing jackets, jumpers, feathers and buckles around, trying to change before the game. Always the multi-tasker, Sienna laid her wisdom on me while she got ready.

“One, and most important, this isn’t your fault. A bad thing happened, Noles. A really bad thing. That’s all. It’s shitty and it’s terrible and it’s been miserable for Reed, but it was a bad thing that happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could have done differently,” she was lecturing me now, but I was prepared to listen. I just nodded.

“Good. OK, now that we have that down, I’m going to say something you’re not going to like, but I’m saying it because I love you like a sister,” she stood serious and moved to the side so we were a little away from everyone else, more private. I was nervous at what she had to say as I was pretty sure she was going to say everything I’d been thinking.

“Reed is being a bit of an ass and you need to call him out on it,” she read my thoughts. “I get that he is going through something horrible, and I get his fear, but he’s taking it out on you. That’s not fair, Nolan, and it isn’t healthy. I see you two. You walk around like you’re in a trance. And he’s not there for you, not really.”

I just nodded, my eyes watering a little because I knew it all. “Nolan, he’s got to fix this on his own, get his head on straight and get out of his funk. If he doesn’t, he’s always going to blame you, but only because you’re there. You’re an easy target, and you’re just taking it.”

I sucked in a sharp breath of air because I knew what she was going to say next. “Nolan, he’s going to keep lashing out until you leave. And you might have to. I’m not saying that you can’t find your way back, fix this freaking all-consuming relationship you and Reed have been in for what seems like forever,” she was trying to be humorous to lighten the load she just threw on me. I adored her for it, but she was right. And I was glad she was here to give it to me straight.

“I know,” I whimpered, reaching out to my friend who just gave me the hug she knew I needed.

“God, why can’t Sarah be the one to give you the serious lectures,” Sienna joked, rubbing my hair while we hugged.

I laughed a little and backed up to look at her, rolling my eyes. “Sarah doesn’t do serious matters of the heart. Now, she’ll kick his ass. But psychology? No, that’s not her deal. That’s yours.”

Sienna laughed and nodded. She gave my arm a squeeze and I told her I’d see her at the lock-in after the game.

I walked out to the bleachers to find Sarah. I paid my entry and walked to the front of the bleachers to find where she was sitting and then I felt someone brush up behind me.

“Hey, I got snacks, want some,” it was Calley. She was sipping on a soda and had a tray full of candy and popcorn.
Unfuckingbelievable.

I nodded and just gave her a polite smile and led our way up to Sarah. We watched the game and I kept sneaking glances at Calley on the other side of Sarah. I wondered if she thought about what she’d done ever, if she knew I knew? She seemed oblivious, like nothing between her and I had ever changed or ever should, so I was pretty sure she didn’t.

Not able to keep my curiosity at bay, I leaned forward to look at her. “Why’d you come to the game, Calley?” I tried to keep it light and pleasant, but I was really fishing to see if she was here for Reed.

She finished chewing on a licorice and then leaned forward to look back at me. “Tatum has a new boyfriend. Can’t stand being in our apartment lately, he’s over all the time. Thought I’d just come home for the weekend,” she smiled a bit and then leaned back to keep watching the game. She seemed genuine about it, so I let it go for now.

The game was close, and we were losing by two with less than a minute to go. If Reed were in as quarterback, I know everyone would breathe a lot easier right now. But putting this in Kyle’s hands left everything up in the air. We were at our last down and 10 yards out from the end zone. I stood and held my breath, watching Reed watch Kyle. Reed was motioning with him, I could hear him yelling and Kyle released and the ball sailed to the corner of the end zone, about five feet too far.

The entire crowd fell silent. Reed threw his hat and kicked over a table, pushing his hand through his hair and screaming while he turned around to look away from his team. He was pure anguish and helplessness. Everyone knew the numbers. Yuma needed to lose tonight for us to make the play-offs, for Reed to play in a game his senior year that mattered. Everyone in the stadium was heart sick. I looked down and found Buck just motionless, rubbing his chin in disbelief.

I locked my eyes on Reed and fell into despair for an entirely different reason. This was killing him. And he was gone. Those last 10 seconds that ticked off were exactly how long it took him to shut the door on everything. His face was pale and blank. And I was going to feel the brunt of it all. I knew this, and I had only a few minutes to prepare myself for it all. And for what was likely to come after.

I stood to find Sienna in the crowd and when my eyes met hers she gave me a sympathetic smile, just nodding to show she understood and was here for me.

“Come on, let’s go get the gym ready. Not that anyone’s going to come tonight,” Sarah said, tugging at my shirt so I would follow her.

I sat at the entrance table with Sarah and Sienna finally joined us along with Micah. A few people started to stream in, which surprised us. They were mostly sophomores and freshman, students who didn’t really have anywhere else to go on a Friday night. The upper classmen would be in the desert, I was sure. Drowning their sorrows.

After about 30 minutes, a few members of the football team started to make their way in. I was feeling anxious and every time the door flung open, my heart leapt and my breath stilled waiting for it to be Reed.

It was about an hour into the lock-in and time to close the doors for good when it hit me. He wasn’t here. And he wasn’t coming. Sarah and Sienna sat still next to me. They knew it, too.