Waiting on the Sidelines (38 page)

I had practiced my speech for tonight’s ceremony at least a hundred times. As much as I wanted to be valedictorian, I was also thankful that the responsibility had fallen into someone else’s lap, and Sienna was worthy of the honor. I was content to be her number two. My speech was one that was pre-written by years of students before me—the traditional school pillars of pride. Sienna and I had fits of laughter the night before about the pillars and how silly the entire thing seemed. Preaching about character, adversity, discipline and respect to a couple hundred graduated teenagers who were thinking about the beer party that awaited them seemed nothing more than a tremendous waste of time. But my dad planned on filming the entire thing anyhow, so I would perform it well.

The sky outside was orange with the sunset and I was anxious to get to the football field for the ceremony. I heard a knock at our front door. Sarah was here to pick me up so I grabbed my gown, speech, purse and headed to the front room, yelling out to my parents that I’d meet them there. When I turned back to the door and opened it wide, Reed was standing there.

Always a vision. He was wearing a pair of khaki pants and a white dress shirt with a fitted black sweater vest over it that hugged his chest. Of course, his chest looked like it had already gone to college and took a pounding on the football field and come back a man. He had cut his hair some, but the curls were still there and the length swept to the sides and front just right. With the whoosh of the door, I also caught his scent, and between the sight of him and the smell that was now attacking my senses, it’s a damned miracle I didn’t just throw myself at him and forget the hurdles we had yet to overcome.

“Soooo….hi,” he said coyly, in a tone that suggested he was wondering what was taking me so long to speak. I was pretty sure my ogling had been overt.

“Hi… uhm… happy graduation? Is that even a thing people say?” I was still nervous and clearly unable to think of clever things to say.

He just laughed a little. “It’s what
you
say, so I guess that’s all that matters,” he smiled, flashing his perfect teeth and melt-worthy dimples. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you at the desert party after graduation, and I wanted to give you something…so, I hope it’s ok?” He looked in the house a little to see if we were alone and then gave me a half-smile as if he was unsure of himself. We were both walking on glass around one another, but it was nice to see him struggle, too.

Reed pulled a box from around his back and held it out to me. I could tell it was a shoe box that he’d tried to wrap himself, which made it all the more adorable to me. “Thanks,” I bit my lip a little, pulling the box into my chest. “I’m sorry…I didn’t really get you anything. This whole graduation thing sort of snuck up on me, I’ve been so busy with scholarship apps.”

That was a half truth. I had gotten a gift for both Sienna and Sarah. I just didn’t know what Reed was to me anymore, and after spending four hours at the mall trying to find something perfect for him with nothing to show for it, I just threw in the towel.

“Well, are you going to open it? I know you’re dying to know, you can’t handle surprises,” he knew me so well. I was dying to rip the lid off the box. I smiled guiltily and then pulled the ribbon back that was holding the lid in place and flipped it open in my arms. When I saw the ratty old ASU hat sitting on top of a bed of crumpled tissue paper, my mouth went dry and I squeezed my lips together tightly to keep myself from going full estrogen with my emotions, my eyes already threatening to tear up.

“It always looked better on you,” he smiled sweetly, reaching in to pull the hat out. He pulled the box from my hands set it on the ground and then looked me in the eyes as he reached for my hand and squeezed my fingers around the hat. “I’d put it on for you, but your hair looks really nice. I don’t want to mess it up before graduation,” he spoke quietly.

I just stared down at it, so touched at the thoughtfulness of his gift, but also mesmerized by his touch. I thought I would never hold his hand again, and this was the greatest gift I could imagine. “I’m real sorry, Noles,” he surprised me with his words. He kept his eyes down, twisting his mouth a little as his spoke. “I fucked us up real good. And I never meant to be cruel. I lashed out at you, and it wasn’t right.”

I couldn’t quite catch my breath. He had hurt me with his words. But I think it hurt even more because they came from him, someone I’d let in, let get close. “Thank you,” was all I could say, just nodding a little but keeping my eyes on the hat in my hands and watching his fingers let go of their grasp on me. He leaned forward just a little and kissed my cheek, whispering in my ear just a little before he walked down my driveway and left.

“I never would have picked Stanford…too far away…” that was all he said.

The graduation ceremony seemed to breeze by, which was good since the temperatures outside had barely fallen below 100 degrees at night. Most of my classmates were fanning themselves with their hats by the time Sienna welcomed us all to stand and move our tassels over to signal our official end of high school.

Sienna and I went to Sarah’s house after the ceremony to change into more summer-friendly clothing for the desert party. This night was for seniors only, and it was something every Coolidge student looked forward to, a rite of passage. I sat on the end of Sarah’s bed, my mind off in the distance, while she and Sienna got ready.

“Nolan, you better hurry, or we’re going to leave your ass here,” Sarah teased.

“Sarah? Do you think I can borrow some of your clothes?” you would think I offered her $20 she was so excited by my request.

“Uh, yeah! What do you want? Tank tops? One-shoulder? Skirt, dress, shorts?” she was in her closet in an instant searching for me.

“I just…wanna look as hot as you can make me look,” I was embarrassed by my own vanity and blushed as I asked.

“Oh, I can make you look hot,” Sarah grinned devilishly. Sienna rolled her eyes as she went to work.

Sarah delivered on her promise, dressing me in her shortest denim cut-off shorts and a one-shoulder black shirt with a scoop neck. She pulled my hair up in upside-down braids, letting a few strands fall to the sides. I even relented and let her put mascara and smoky eye shadow on me. I felt bold, which I would need to if I was going to be bold tonight.

By the time we got to the desert party, most of our classmates had arrived already. The music was pumping, as it always was, but the sheer number of cars parked amidst the desert brush was far from inconspicuous. The local law enforcement was always on alert for graduation night, so there was a strict code among senior classes to follow the designated driver roll. Sienna was ours tonight, which was good because I was planning on downing a little liquid courage to get myself through the night.

We parked and started to walk to the center of the campsite where most of the other girls were dancing, waiving red cups over their heads. Sarah grabbed one and filled it for me, putting it in my hand with a warning. “Go slow on this, ok missy?” I was new to this drinking thing and knew what I didn’t want to look like when the night was over, so I just smiled and gave her an understanding nod.

Sipping slowly on my beer, I scanned the crowd until I found Reed and Sean standing over by the bed of Sean’s truck, talking to a few other team members. Reed was laughing and smiling, such a refreshing sight. He was telling them a story about something, setting his beer down to show them something with his hands. He was animated and excited. I watched him for about 10 minutes before he noticed me. And when he did, I could tell my look surprised him—in a good way.

He didn’t come over to talk to me for a while; instead he snuck glances in my direction from across the fire pits and in the shadows of the headlights that lit the brush around us. We were both flirting from a distance, doing a dance with our eyes. I would watch him walk to the keg and look for me in the crowd, biting his lip a little and looking away when he found me. And I did the same.

“OK, Noles, I’m cutting you off,” Sienna reached for my cup. I had only had two beers during the hour and a half that we’d been here, but I was already feeling quite a buzz. Sienna had promised me she’d watch out for me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to disobey her, so I handed my cup to her and walked over to the cooler to grab a water instead.

I came back to sit on the hood of Sarah’s car with Sienna, handing her a water as well. She was making a suspicious face, turning quickly to look in the other direction. “What was that all about,” I called her on it.

She bit her lip a little and let out a deep breath, nodding in the direction behind me. I looked over to see Stephanie hanging all over Reed, her arm looped into his and her head resting on his shoulder. And this is what it feels like to get punched.

Unable to avert my stare, I tried to keep my courage up, the courage I had worked so hard to build with Sarah’s make up and cheap beer. “It could be nothing,” I didn’t look away. “I mean, his hands are just in his pockets. He’s probably just being polite.”

Almost believing myself I was about to feel satisfied with my conclusion when Reed pulled his left hand from his pocket and put it on Stephanie’s lower back and whispered something in her ear that had her laughing. Just then, Sarah walked by and I took her beer from her hand and drank it all in one tip of the cup.

That was probably a mistake. I was spinning a little more now, not fully sick but definitely not in the clearest of minds. I had given into dancing with Sarah in the middle of the party, mimicking some of her more provocative moves, though probably not looking as professional as she did. We got a few whistles when we danced together from the guys standing to the side, which only made me try harder.

My courage was fading quickly by the time midnight was upon us, and Sienna was working on Sarah and me to give up the dancing so we could head home. A lot of the partiers had called it a night, but it seemed sadder than it should to be leaving this party. It felt final. Over.

Making pouting faces at Sienna, Sarah and I finally gave in and gave hugs to several girls who, though we’d spent four years with them, we’d never really been close friends with. It just seemed like the thing to do tonight. Then, as if I’d just remembered why I’d come to the party in the first place, my eyes scanned the remaining crowd in a panic and I stopped in my tracks and grabbed hold of Sienna’s hand before we got to Sarah’s car. “Wait!” I shrilled. “I have to...”

My friends were so patient, understanding what this meant to me. Sarah was the one to finally see Reed and she pointed to him, hesitantly. She wasn’t ready to trust him yet, and I appreciated her for it. “I have to,” I took a deep breath, looking at them both before I turned and marched over to where Reed was standing next to Sean. I was relieved that Stephanie was nowhere in sight.

He saw me coming and pulled his beer from his lips, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and setting the bottle down on the edge of the truck before looking back up at me. He was about to say something when I didn’t give him the chance. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him with every bit of passion I had left to give. He shifted backwards at first, stumbling a little from the force of my body into his. But soon I felt his arms reach around me, his hands sliding up behind my neck and holding me to him tightly as he started kissing me back.

I faintly heard Sean whistle and a few of the other guys pipe in with a “damn,” but most of my brain was focused on making Reed remember. I hadn’t gotten him anything for graduation because I didn’t know what to give him; I wanted it to be something that would help him remember
us.
And I hoped that maybe, just maybe, kissing him one last time would do that.

Time slowly started to come back into focus as I felt Reed’s hands slip forward from my hair to the sides of my face, holding me in place as our lips finally parted, our foreheads still pressed together as we clung to each other. No words. I had just hoped that this was enough.

Pulling away from him slowly, I looked up at him through my hooded lashes, my look as serious as I could force on my face. I walked away backwards at first and turned to join my friends. And once we were safely in the car, I let out a heavy sigh.

“If he doesn’t know how you feel after that, Noles, he never will,” Sienna said, turning the music up as we pulled out on the desert road and headed home.

When I didn’t hear from Reed the next morning, I convinced myself it was because he had hooked up with Stephanie and I was just an indiscretion he had snuck in without her noticing. When I didn’t hear from him during the first week of summer break, I started to feel cheap and questioned how buzzed I really was.

I had seen Sean a few times at MicNic’s during my shifts over the summer, but Reed didn’t make a single appearance. I knew he would be leaving for school early, so when July rolled around, I gave up hope.

Becky was back in town for the summer and she and Sean spent most nights going out together. Sean was going to San Diego for college, putting the two of them a short commute away from one another. Sarah and Calley moved into their apartment early and Sienna and I spent a few nights at their place before the dorms opened so we could scope out the campus before the crowds of new students showed up.

When moving day came, my dad was in full parent-mode, questioning me about every safety feature of my car, wanting to know how many desk people worked at the dorm and how often the front was guarded. He lectured me on keeping our doors locked at all times and on not letting strangers follow me home. My mom rolled her eyes a few times when he talked and would try to undo his damage when he left the room, assuring me that she knows I’m a responsible girl. I knew he was just having a hard time letting go, so I took him out to MicNic’s for one more daddy/daughter milkshake the night before I left for good.

Sienna and I spent the entire first day on campus loading our clothing, stereo, shoes, computers and other crap we were suddenly wishing we’d left at home from the parking lot to our dorm room five stories up. The elevator was slow to come, so we opted for more trips up and down the stairs.

I was hanging pictures on my cork board when two guys knocked on our door and called out from the hallway. “Ladies?” Sienna and I looked at each other in a panic, not used to attention from college boys yet. We started to giggle a little and both hopped down from the chairs we’d been standing on and walked over to the hallway leading to the door.

“Hey, we’re your neighbors,” the tall one with short blonde hair said, reaching out to shake our hands. He was at least a foot taller than I was and had a tattoo that covered one arm. I laughed a little inwardly, wondering how my dad was going to react to this when he came up to visit next week.

“Hi, I’m Nolan. This is Sienna,” I said, shaking his hand and looking toward his friend, who was equally as tall but seemingly not covered in ink and with longer, dark hair.

“Hey, I’m Nick and this is Travis,” the blonde said, smiling and making his way into our room a little.

Sienna and I just backed up and kept our guard up until he turned around in a circle and spoke. “Trav? Come check this shit out. They have, like, twice the space,” he was comparing our room sizes like a kid would and it was funny and setting me at ease. “And their window is bigger!”

I started to laugh a little and then Travis spoke up. “Yeah, but we have a microwave. I see they didn’t bring one of those,” he smiled superiorly. “Maybe, just maybe, we can broker a deal.” He was rubbing his hand on his chin scruff.

Sienna looked around and then jumped back up on her bed, grabbing the toolbox from the top shelf of her book case. “We have tools!” she bragged. We all started laughing at her attempt to one up them.

Nick and Travis had quickly become good friends. The next few mornings, Sienna and I knocked on their door to heat up our oatmeal. And, ironically, they had to borrow our hammer a few times as well. We made plans to attend a few of the orientation events together, and the boys introduced us to a few more of their friends. Of course, when I introduced them to Sarah, they started to show their peacock feathers a little, battling for her attention as most guys did when they first met her.

I could tell she liked Nick a lot, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, she might find herself in a relationship that lasted more than a week. I caught them making out in the stairwell once, but kept it to myself not wanting to jinx things for her.

School was starting soon; we had the rest of the weekend and the Monday after before classes officially began. I was sitting on my bed early Sunday morning, plotting out the location of my classes on the map and munching on an apple I’d cut up for breakfast. Sienna had gone out for coffee with Micah, the both of them had joined the marching band together and spent most of their afternoons at practice. Tonight, though, was all about me and my girls. There was a dance party for freshman in the atrium of the arts school and we had been counting down the days.

Sarah would no doubt spend the evening draping herself on Nick while Sienna and I pretended to dance in a corner, but it would be fun nevertheless. Seeing her with Nick was making me miss Reed more than I cared to admit. I had pinned a few pictures of he and I to the cork board above my bed and I often drifted off to sleep staring at them, pressing the depths of my memory to hold on to his voice.

I was packing up my map and getting things sorted in my backpack when Sienna burst through the door and came running in, throwing her body onto my bed next to me. Her eyes were wide with surprise, and I couldn’t tell if it was in a good way or a bad way.

“Whhhhhaaaat…does that face mean?” I tilted my head questioning her even more.

“Oh my god, Nolan. Please promise me you’re not going to freak out, ok? It’s not that bad, I promise,” she said. Of course, I was freaking out now.

“Yeah…I’m pretty sure I can’t promise you that now,” my heart was racing and a million scenarios were flying through my mind all the way from my tuition payment had been rejected, my scholarship falling through, to she hadn’t really left for coffee but instead eloped to Vegas and came back married.

Sienna ground my imagination to a grinding halt the second she flopped the newspaper on my lap, folded to the sports section with a full-page color photo of Reed standing in front of the red and blue A on the mountain near his university campus. I looked up at her, my eyes wide now, too, knowing full well what I would find when I started reading the story. “Shit!” I grabbed the paper and started reading.

The first part was all about Reed, his projections for the year, how the UofA coaches had tracked him for years and expected great things from him. There was a great quote from Buck about how proud he was to see his son follow in his family’s footsteps and a few quotes from Coach Baker about Reed’s work at Coolidge and how he thought of him as a second son. I was starting to relax a little from the positive nature of the story when I finally came to the section labeled ‘Accident.’

I gulped and looked up at Sienna, who was just staring at me, her mouth closed tightly, willing me to read on. As I read, I relived the entire night. The way they described his injury made the bile climb up my throat a little and the quote from his mother about how scared she was for her son, describing the call she got from the hospital, almost made me feel sorry for her despite how terrible she’d been to me.

And then there it was, as if it had been covered in yellow highlighter, it jumped out to me in a flash.

Reed’s then girlfriend had been in the Jeep with him at the time of the accident, and while she didn’t walk away with the same injuries as the star athlete who had been driving, she was left with a terrible sense of guilt.

“I guess a part of me feels like the entire thing was my fault, like I caused him to miss out on his entire senior year,” said Nolan Lennox, also a senior at Coolidge at the time. “He was driving me home, and if he didn’t have to deal with me, then this never would have happened.”

 
 
I know the story didn’t end there. In fact there was an entire column left. But that’s where it ended in my eyes. I just dropped the paper and flopped back on the bed, smacking my hands to my forehead, my mind racing with possibilities of how I could fix this. I could ask for a retraction, I thought. Except she was accurate, and I hadn’t asked for any of this to be off the record. I just hoped it wouldn’t make sense with her story. But reading it now, I see the emotion my words brought to everything, and the reason she included them. I was screwed.

I heard Travis and Nick come barreling into our room while I laid on my bed with my pillow over my face wondering if it was possible to buy up every paper in southern Arizona before Reed, Buck or my parents could read my gaffe in all its glory. I sat up when I felt a second pillow hit me in the gut.

“Hey, what was that for,” I smiled, rubbing my face a little to snap myself out of my funk.

“Pillow fight with a girl, couldn’t help it,” Travis smirked, flirtatiously, but friendly all the same.

“I’m not much of a fighter right now, I’m afraid,” I slumped a bit, sliding the copy of the paper over to him and pointing to my quote. I waited a few minutes while he read the entire story and then I felt his stare when he turned to look at me.

“No fucking way! You dated Reed Johnson?” he was more interested in my love connection to a quarterback then the fact that I’d embarrassed myself in the biggest newspaper in the state. I just shoved him a little to get him back on task and he leaned into me whispering over my shoulder that it wasn’t that bad, immediately turning back to ask me questions about how well I knew Reed.

Walking through campus that evening to the dance wasn’t as exciting since I’d been hit with my news making quote that morning. I thought about texting Reed more than a few times, but we hadn’t talked all summer, and the thought of trying to reconnect over the mess I’d made just made my stomach bunch. I hadn’t heard from my parents, and I hadn’t heard from Buck by phone or email, so I had an inkling of hope that the story slipped by others unnoticed. But I knew that was probably a delusion, since Buck was like a one-man clipping service for Reed.

The music pumped and lights cast shadows on the concrete walls and statues in the atrium of the art school. The picture was breathtaking, and for a while I was able to dance and lose myself with Sienna, Sarah, Travis and Nick. Just as I thought, Nick and Sarah paired off with one another quickly, leaving Sienna, Travis and I to dance uncomfortably with one another to the slow songs.

Micah ended up showing up an hour into the dance and stole Sienna away from our group easily, and since Travis really wasn’t much of a dancer, he and I ended up sitting on one of the concrete walls, watching the crowd of bodies blend below us. Feeling my energy, Travis leaned into me a bit, causing me to look up at him a little. “Where you at?” he questioned. “Because I know it isn’t here.”

I just smiled faintly, he was right. Reading that story had done more than just thrust me into embarrassment from my quote. It made me miss Reed all over again, maybe even more than I did before. I wanted to go back and look at the picture more closely, knowing it had probably been taken just a few days ago. I smiled inwardly a little thinking about how Reed looked right now.

“I think maybe I’m going to go home, if that’s ok with you?” I hated leaving him here alone, but I also knew Travis was a bit of a player and would probably be making out with a girl by the time the night was over.

“You want me to walk you? It’s late,” he was starting to slide down from the wall to stand with me, but I just put my hand on his knee to stop him.

“No, I’ll be fine. There are security guards all over the walk, and it’s not that far. I’ll keep my phone out, though, and I promise I’ll call you if I get jumped from the bushes,” I joked, realizing he was already checking out a leggy blonde girl dancing near Sarah. He just nodded a little, smiled and walked away to work his charm.

The walk back was crowded with other freshman who were walking from the dorms to the dance and the recreation center all evening. It was only 9 p.m., so I didn’t feel anxious about being alone.

I was at our dorm entrance in minutes and walked by the front desk where I flashed my card key that unlocked the main door. I noticed a few letters in my mailbox and pulled them out to flip through them as I took to the stairs. The first was a postcard from Sean from San Diego bragging that his weather was better than mine. The second was from my mom, sweetly telling me that she was proud of me and wanted the honor of being my first piece of mail. I wouldn’t dare tell her that I’d read Sean’s card first.

I was breathing a little harder by the time I made it up the five flights and opened the stairwell door to head down the hall to go to our room at the end. I saw the flip flops and bare feet first, stopping me in my tracks. Reed’s legs were unmistakable, tanned and muscular, his college basketball shorts draped down to his knees. His long legs were jetting out from the wall, his body leaning against my door as he sat on the floor, his eyes closed as he listened to music through his headphones. His hat was pulled down a little over his eyes and his hands were stuffed in the pockets of his sweatshirt.

Not wanting to disturb him, he looked so perfect and peaceful, I stood still for a few seconds. He was everything I’d remembered, and somehow, over the few months I’d been away from him, he’d grown so much. My mouth went dry as I thought about my words in the paper, and my palms started to sweat when I realized he was probably here to yell at me for being so careless with the reporter and taking the focus off of his achievements.

For a moment, I considered turning around and going to find Sienna to ask her what I should do. But I kept forging forward instead. Finally at his feet, I kicked them a little with my own and he startled awake, pulling his hat from his head and running his fingers through his hair that was once again a little longer.