Walking in the Shadows (26 page)

“Umm…you go on ahead of me. I have to ask Knightley about this poetry thing. You know length and such.”

“He said it doesn’t matter
,
silly,”
Jaz
teased, but when she saw
my face
she
unlinked her arm
from mine
.
“Fine
,
but I have tons to tell you!”

When everyone had left I walked up to Tad
. He was concentrating deeply on
scripting
when assignments were due on the
white board
, on purpose I was sure.

“Knightley—You—I’
m so—“

“Pissed?
” h
e cut me off as he turned to face me
.
“
You think I didn’t know that you would be? I was trying to warn you
—
I’m sorry
,
but I have to give assignments that will help my students.”

“You said you wouldn’t let any
thing or anyone hurt me,
” I shot
and turned on my heel
,
seeing the injury in his eyes.

“
Vera
, don’t say that.”

I stopped and spoke with my back to him
.
“You might not like what you hear, Knightley.”

Tad looked as if he might be sick Friday morning as he stood in front of the class in a
vest and
tie combination that
Jaz
had swooned over the mome
nt she saw it
, and
in my head
I had
done the same.
He
did look amazing with the sleeves of the light blue dress shirt rolled to his elbows, a tight navy vest to show his strong chest, and a thin black tie that he kept yanking at uncomfortably. I was mad at him, but seeing him looking so anxious and wow, was making me feel guilty for what I had written. He had wanted the truth though, and now I couldn’t go back.

“He doesn
’t seem very excited about this,
”
Jaz
observed as she looked
over her shoulder.

“I don’t think any of us
are but you,
” I joked
,
poking her
.

“Are you nervous?” s
he asked.

“I think he’
s right that most people won’t know whose is whose…with the exception of those that know each other very well.”

“Do you think I’
ll know yours
?
” s
he asked
,
and I co
uld tell by her voice
that
she
wanted to
.

“I don’t think so
Jaz
, but that’s not your fault.”

“We’
re
supposed
to be besties
.
”
H
er shoulders fell.

“We are
Jaz
. I’
m just a bit m
ore silent about the way I feel,
”
I reassured her.

“With everyone?”

Tad cleare
d his throat and looked
at us.

“Quiet
,
please. Does everyone have their poetic masterpieces with them today? Good, please take them out for me to pi
ck up, flip them over so I can’
t see what is on them,
”
h
e instructed
,
and I saw his
Adam’s apple rise and fall as he came to my desk. His eyes searched mine for forgiveness
,
and I could see the fear of what could be on that piece of paper.

“Whe
re’s yours
,
Mr. Knightley?” Lily
cooed
when he had
finished collecting the papers
.
“I didn’t see you add it to the pile?”

Tad opened his drawer and placed a paper on top of the pile
.

“Here it is, don’t worry Lily
. I keep my promises,” h
e
replied
as he
shuffled the papers with shaking hands and then began to
redistribute them to the class
.
“Now m
ake sure the one you have isn’t
yours…Are we
all set?”
H
e held up the paper he had
in his hand
.
“Should I start?”
H
is eyes landed on the paper and then found mine. He swallowed before opening his mouth to speak, but thought better of it and sat on his desk. I could see his hands shaking on the piece of paper as everyone waited for him to speak. He pull
ed on his tie and
s
aid
, “Th
ere’
s no title on this, so I’
ll just begin to read.

‘
All that guides me
is fear,

And all that find
s me
is loss

Death defines which paths I
cross

It is
within the shadows that I stumble

And I am d
esperate without a voice

Here
I am threatened by the resolve
that you are

my soul

But i
f my lies are the path that I have to wander

because
there is no choice

Will you love me still?

In the darkness of the night wh
en I wish to do

nothing more tha
n take flight?

Will you hold me to this
plane and
ease the

suffering and pain?

When all you know is the truth

And all they see is the lies

Will I be the one you find, or the one you leave

behind?

Alone may
be the only home I shall find
.
’
”

When Tad finished his jaw was clenched
with
his eyes staring at t
he piece of paper and one hand
holding the side of his desk so tight
that
his knuckles were white.

“Are you oka
y
,
Mr. Knightley?”
Jaz
asked
as everyone leaned back in their se
ats in surprise
.
“Mr. Knightley?
”

“Knightley,
” I spoke
,
and his eyes looked up and found mine while the rest of the classroom stared at me in surprise for using
just
the s
ur
name
.
“They’
re just words.”

“You know that’s not true,
Vera
!
”
h
e hissed.

Jaz
looked
at the two of us,
his eyes and mine locked willfully in anger and pain.

“I’ll go next,” s
he suggested
,
and I wondered if she
realiz
ed
that
what was going could be like jumping off a cliff.
I certainly did, yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

“Thank you,
Jaz
,
” Tad
said
,
turning and sitting stiff
ly
in his chair. His eyes st
ared at my poem in front of him.

The second the bell rang I ran out the door with Tad still staring at the poem as if it would light on fire. I skipped my locker and went right to the library
,
hiding in the last row of books and sliding to sit on the floor. I put my head on my knees and closed my eyes.

“
Vera
, are you okay?”
Jaz
asked
,
making me jump.

“Yeah, sure
Jaz
.”

“So
,
this is where you hide
when you don’t have lunch with me
?”

“Most of the time.”

“That was int
ense in there, huh?
Your poem really got to him,
”
s
he commented
,
cocking her head at me, her lips in a frown.

“How
do you know it was mine?” I demanded
,
grabbing a book from the shelf an
d pretending as if I was
interested in its contents.

She put her hand on my arm
,
slinking down beside me
.
“Come on
—
I do know you at least a little bit by now.”

“Yeah, it was mine—but please don’t pass that around. I don’t
want the world to know,
” I whispered
,
pulling at the worn pages of the book.

“I would never tell. I mean that was obviously so
mething very personal,” s
he observed
,
and I turned to face her.

“You think it was obvious to ever
yone?” I
desperate
ly tried
to keep my voice level.

“No, it just looked like you were being ballsey to Knightley…but that’s not what it was—was it?”

“
Wha
t are you suggesting?” I said,
my voice a whisper.

“Knightley
pretty much came to your rescue at homecoming and with your reaction and all…Does he know a bit
more about you tha
n most of us?” s
he suggested
,
and her face was filled with fearful anticipation.

“W
—
what do you mean?”

“Like something only the teachers know?”

I tried not to look to
o
relieved that she had not suggested something much deeper and far closer to the truth.

“Yeah…”

“You can tell me, you know. I might be able to help.”

I couldn’
t help but scoff
;
she couldn’t raise the dead.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that. If I tell you
,
will you promise on Brad’s life that you won’t tell a soul?”

She nodded her
head
,
and
I believed her. Her face didn’
t look like
she
was looking for idle gossip—
it seemed that she genuinely cared.

“My parents are both dead.”

“So you live with
a
foster family?”

“No, I live alone. They died when I was
sixteen
,
and
I became a legal adult and have bee
n fending for myself since then,
”
I explained.

“Oh, god…how did they…you know…die?”

“They were found in their car.”

“Died on impact?”
s
he asked
, filling in blanks for herself. It was easier to let her do that.

“I can only hope they didn’t suffer, but I don’t know.”

She nodded her head
and took a deep breath
.
“That’
s heavy.”

“Please don’t tell anyone
.
”
I shrugged because it was now just a part of my life
, and I didn’t know what else to do.

“I won’t…so
,
no
T
hanksgiving or Christmas or birthday? You have no one? No grandparents or aunts or uncles or anything?”

“I have my god parents
,
but I decided to live on my own,
”
I explained.
Why? I wasn’t sure anymore.

“It must be hard to let people in, with losing everyone you love?”

“You ha
ve no idea,
” I sighed
,
leaning my head on her shoulder as I gave into her friendship.