What the Lightning Sees: Part Three (5 page)

“I think we should take a bath or you’re going to be sore tomorrow,” he said.

Jake left me to regain my strength and went into the bathroom. The sound of rushing water filtered through the walls as I lay there, not quite believing what had just happened.

“Come on, let’s go soak,” he said, returning to the bedroom. He lifted me to my feet and guided me through the door.

“Hair?” he asked and I glanced around the bathroom, trying to spot one of the various hair ties littered across my flat. I reached out to one I saw by the sink but Jake got to it before I did, positioned me facing away from him and started to fiddle with my hair.

“What are you doing?”

“Braiding your hair and putting it up.”

“Should it worry me that you can do women’s hair?”

“I don’t think so. I like rope. It braids nicely,” he said in response.

It was an admission that I wasn’t the first girl he had restrained. It needled me, lifted some of the afterglow. It felt too intimate for it to have happened before. Had he shared this connection with others? I wanted to be special to him, in every way, as he was to me. Maybe it hadn’t been as intense for him. I felt silly for assuming that I was the only woman to have experienced this with Jake but I hated the thought of others seeing that part of him.

“Did you restrain Millie?” I asked.

“No. It wasn’t like that between us,” he replied.

What did that mean? I wanted to know
how
it was different. How I was different. Was I special at all?

He held my hand to steady me as I stepped into the deliciously warm water. He got in behind me and sat down, arranging me between his thighs, my back to his front. I relaxed against his chest.

“There’s only been one other girl that I’ve used rope with,” he said without my prompting. “A girl at college. My only relationship that’s lasted over three months, as Beth likes to remind me.”

“Were you in love with her?”

“Not like I’m in love with you.”

“Jake.” My breath caught in my lungs.
I’m in love with you
. The words echoed around my head. He’d known what I’d needed before I had. It was as if he could read every thought of mine before it was formed. It was what I craved from him and what I felt for him.

He pulled his cupped hand up my body and let the gathered water trickle over my breasts. Then he stroked my newly warmed skin, following the flow. “I know it’s soon, but it’s how I feel,” he said as if we were simply describing a
fait accompli
.

Jake’s phone buzzed, shattering the near-perfect moment. Instead of ignoring it, as I assumed he would, he scrambled out from behind me and leapt across the bathroom to retrieve his phone from the washstand.

“Hi, Millie,” he answered and my gut wrenched. “I’m at Haven’s. Yes. I’m sure that’s normal. Isn’t your sister there?” He sighed and gazed at me. “Okay,” he said and hung up. “She had blood on some toilet tissue and her sister’s out of town. She wants me to go over.”

“Oh,” I said, hugging my knees to my chest. He was going to leave me.

He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Can I call you when I get there?”

“Sure. Go. Do what you’ve gotta do,” I said, trying to sound as though him leaving me in the bath at nearly midnight to go and see his pregnant ex-girlfriend was the most normal thing in the world. I wanted him to be a good man, but I wanted him to be
my
good man. He was the man I loved and I hadn’t told him and he hadn’t seemed to notice.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. Is it better to speak tomorrow?” On top of everything, I didn’t want him to feel as though he had to babysit me.

“I guess you need to sleep. I’ll call you first thing.” He pulled on his jeans and sweater, then grabbed his keys and wallet. Within moments he was gone, leaving a huge space that should have been filled by his declaration, by
him
. I had never felt so physically, emotionally and sexually connected to anyone as I had with Jake. And now? Him abandoning me to go see Millie seemed somehow prophetic.

I stepped out of the bath and wrapped myself in a towel, patting my skin dry. The red marks of Jake’s ownership were already beginning to fade from my skin. The doubt that had been held at bay by the ropes, his words, his touch, began to seep back into my head. Jake had told me he loved me and I believed him. I just wasn’t sure that was going to be enough to get us through.

Jake

The last thing I wanted to do was leave Haven after the night we’d shared. But Millie had sounded upset and I didn’t know how to say no to her. By the time I arrived at Millie’s apartment, it was way past midnight.

“Hey,” she said as she opened the door.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, come in. Can I get you a drink?” She seemed to have brightened. “I have some amazing vodka that my father brought back from Moscow.” I followed her into the living room and she started clinking glasses over at the bar. She and her sister lived in one of the most expensive areas of London, courtesy of Daddy dearest. She and Haven really had nothing in common.

She placed two shot glasses on the counter before I had a chance to answer. “No, and you’re not drinking, are you?”

She glanced at me and then back at the shot glasses. “No, of course not.” She flashed a wide smile at me. “Habit, I guess.”

“How are you feeling? Do you want to go to the hospital?” She was acting as though I’d come over to hang out. She didn’t seem upset at all.

“Slightly better,” she said as she turned down the corners of her mouth in a pronounced frown. “It’s so scary being on my own.”

“I think you should rest. Why don’t you try and get some sleep, and you can call me if you need me?”

“You’re not going, are you?”

“Millie, I don’t know what I can do here if you’re better and you don’t want me to take you to the hospital.” I stood in the doorway as she came toward me, her frown giving way to a pout.

“You could keep me company,” she suggested, tilting her head to one side.

My eye twitched. “You didn’t call me in the middle of the night and get me to come over because you were bored, did you?” I asked.

She wore a pained expression. “Of course not. I was bleeding, Jake. I was worried. I’m carrying your baby. I would have thought you’d have slightly more sympathy.”

Guilt lapped at the edges of my thoughts. “Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll stay here on the couch?”

Millie nodded. “I’d appreciate that, thanks. Come and get some pillows and a blanket.”

I followed her through to her bedroom. I hadn’t been there since I’d met Haven. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“You can take those pillows,” she said, pointing to the chair in the corner. “And have this quilt.” She bent forward to pull the cover from the bed but stiffened as if in pain. She clutched her stomach.

“Jesus. Are you okay?” I rushed over and guided her to sit on the bed. “Are you hurting?” Her eyes were closed and she ignored my question. “Here, put your feet up. I think you need to rest.”

“Please stay with me,” she whimpered.

“Of course. I’ve said I will.” I covered her with the quilt she’d offered me. “Lie back,” I said, and she tentatively lay against the pillows. “I’ll be here,” I said as I headed toward the chair in the corner. Shit, what was I doing? I wanted to be lying with Haven in my arms, not propped up in a chair in my ex-girlfriend’s bedroom. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and started to text Haven. She’d be asleep, but she’d have it for when she woke up.

Jake: Millie seems fine. Just a little spooked. I’m going to stay here. I wish I were there with you.

Being back here was a huge reminder to me of how different Millie and Haven were and how I felt so much more myself with Haven. If Haven had told me she was pregnant, I’d be bursting with pride. She would make an incredible mother. My thoughts wouldn’t be of paternity and complexity. Of being tied to someone I didn’t want to be with. The situation was so twisted, as if the universe were trying to send me a message. If I’d known Haven had been in my future, I wouldn’t have wasted time on anyone else. I would have waited for her. I had been impatient. I’d settled for okay for now and I was paying the price.

I must have fallen asleep because when I came to, my arm had gone dead from me leaning against it.

“Jake, I feel terrible that you’re stuck in that uncomfortable chair. You can come and lie next to me; I won’t bite,” Millie said in the darkness.

I stood up. She was right. The chair was very uncomfortable. “I’ll be in the living room if you need something. Get some sleep.” I closed her bedroom door, trying to create some space, a barrier between us.

The next morning I woke to the smell of coffee.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Millie said from behind the counter as I sat up on the sofa. “What can I get you for breakfast?”

I checked my watch. It was almost eight. I climbed off the couch. She’d never offered me breakfast before.

“I could cook something, or we could go out.” she said. She was showered and ready for the day.

“I need to get going. Are you feeling okay? Are you going to go to the doctor today?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think so. I’m sure they’ll say it’s normal. Are you sure you can’t stay?”

“I’m sure. Do you want me to come with you?” I checked my cell. I’d missed a call from Haven and I badly wanted to hear her voice.

Millie was pouting, probably annoyed that I hadn’t taken her up on breakfast. She had to understand that we weren’t together. This was about the baby, not her and me. “I’ll be fine.”

I glanced around to see if I’d left anything but I hadn’t really brought anything. “I’m going to get off. Call me when you’ve spoken to the doctor.”

Haven

I wanted to look good for Jake. Tonight was the wrap party for Sandy Fox’s first feature film, and it would be fun to dress up a little. I zipped up the red dress that I’d worn in Paris, checked myself out in the mirror and then changed my mind. I needed something a little more . . . I knew just the thing. I quickly removed the Paris dress and changed my bra for what I called my magic-boob bra. I’d only worn it twice and one of those times had been in the changing room when Ash and I were shopping. When she’d seen me, her eyes had gone wide as saucers and she’d told me she thought she’d turned gay. I needed a little bit of magic tonight. The bra and my black, scoop-necked dress would keep his attention. I hoped.

Jake and I had spent too much time figuratively surrounded by Millie this week, and I wanted us to spend an evening where it didn’t feel as if she was invited. It wasn’t that it had been strained between us; it was just that there was an elephant in the room, overshadowing every one of our exchanges. We were being careful with each other. I was always trying to say the right thing, which was almost impossible for me.

Millie had called every day since her scare on Sunday night. It seemed as though she was making excuses to speak to him, but Jake didn’t seem to think she was being overly demanding and I hadn’t said anything. The doctor had said that the spotting was normal and nothing to worry about, apparently, so there didn’t seem to be a real reason to keep calling.

I could tell Jake was relieved by the doctor’s reassurance and of course, he should be. I just wasn’t sure
I
was and I hated myself for it. What I didn’t want to do was end up pushing Jake away. I wanted to feel as if we had a shot. It was supposed to be easy this early on in a relationship. Weren’t we still meant to be in the phase where one look between us would lead to me being, quite literally, tied to the bed?