What the Lightning Sees: Part Three (2 page)

I
felt
tired and I didn’t have the energy to keep everything to myself anymore. Now that I was with Haven, I wanted her to know what was going on. “I just found out that my dad had a heart attack.”

“Jesus, Jake.” She stopped dead outside her apartment. “Are you okay? Is he okay?”

I grabbed her hand and started walking. The sun was shining and the air crisp. I loved weather like this in London. It was good to be home, with Haven. I let my shoulders relax and the muscles in my neck unclenched. Telling her about my dad was reassuring somehow.

“He’s going to be fine, I think. Beth’s flying out tonight. I might follow her depending on how he is when she gets there. I’m worried about her going out there on her own. She had a few problems when she was last in Chicago. She’s not been back since.”

“What sort of problems?”

I squeezed her hand as we walked down the road. “I’ll tell you about them another time. She’s better now. I hope. Chicago wasn’t good for her.” I didn’t want to get into Romano and Beth’s alcoholism. It was too much to think about and I’d need to ask Beth before I started telling her story.

“Do you need to go with her?”

“Not today. After that, I don’t know. It’s complicated. When my mom passed, my father remarried quickly and . . . we grew apart.”

“I didn’t know your mother died. Jake, why didn’t you tell me?”

“She was shot by a guy who my dad put in jail. He came back for revenge and when my dad wasn’t there, my mother suffered the consequences.” It wasn’t a secret, but I didn’t have a reason to say the words very often. And although I wanted Haven to know, a familiar hurt welled inside me.

“Jesus, she was murdered?”

“It’s been nearly five years. Beth took it really hard. I was older and had made a life for myself here in London. I had my first business, Energy Trade, but Beth was a teenager and lost both her parents. Her whole world fell apart. I think Beth and I reminded Dad of Mom too much and he . . . He has a new family now.” I didn’t talk about this stuff. I had no reason to, but it was good to tell Haven. I wanted her to know everything about me.

“God, I’m so sorry, Jake.” Haven regarded me with glassy eyes. I put my arm around her and she snaked her hand up my back as we walked toward the restaurant. It was so good to be close to her again. I hoped my news about Millie wasn’t about to rip us apart. There had been enough revelations for one day. Perhaps I should wait to tell her? Let her absorb one thing at a time?

“Are you sure you shouldn’t go to Chicago?” she asked.

“Not today. I’m going to see what Beth says when she gets there and then I’ll decide what to do. It’s not as straightforward as it should be between my father and I. Anyway, he has to have an operation and then apparently he should be fine, but who knows what the real story is. Marissa has never been particularly open with us.”

“If there’s anything I can do . . .” she said.

I pressed my lips to the top of her head, taking in the comforting scent of her shampoo. “You being here is enough.”

“I’m always here. I had a word with myself while you were way. I was halfway toward meltdown when you left. But I decided I’m not running from you. I’m not going anywhere. And we’ll deal with whatever life throws at us together. Okay?” She stopped and gazed up at me. Smiling but solemn, she reached for my face and brushed her fingers against my cheek.

How had I gotten so lucky? I hoped she meant it. We were going to need her steely resolve over the next weeks and months. I had to tell her now. There wasn’t ever going to be a good time and she was always going to be a flight risk, no matter what she said. I took a deep breath. “Yes, but there’s something else as well.”

We’d reached the restaurant Haven had picked. “Do you want to go in?” she asked.

I nodded and we headed inside the canal-side eatery. It was bright and sunny even indoors as the back of the place was all windows to take in the waterfront views. Once we were seated, Haven looked at me expectantly.

“The only reason I’ve not told you this before is because I wanted to tell you face-to-face. I’m not trying to keep anything from you,” I said, my teeth gritted at the prospect that she would see a betrayal in the fact I’d not told her as soon as I’d found out.

“Okay . . . This sounds serious. Talk to me.”

I wasn’t sure if my voice could be heard over the thundering of my heart.

“Jake?”

“Millie called me just after I left you on Tuesday.”
Here we go.

“On your way to the airport?”

I nodded and closed my eyes.

“What did she want?” she asked.

“She told me she was pregnant. With my baby.”

Haven

A million thoughts rushed to the front of my brain and fought for space. My eyes dropped to the menu I held in my hands and I tried to concentrate on what I should order. I needed to stay calm. I had to keep my crazy from crawling up my spine and taking over my mouth.

“Haven?” Jake asked.

“The sea bass is good, I think,” I replied, keeping calm. Millie was pregnant. It was only a big deal if I let it be. I knew Jake wouldn’t cheat so I didn’t need to ask—I knew this must be from before they split.

Jake sighed, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t have many details. I’ve not spoken to her since. It doesn’t need to change anything between us,” he said.

Had she waited to tell him until it was too late to have a termination? And how had he let this happen? I didn’t look up from the menu as the questions started rolling through my head. “I thought you’d never . . . you know, without a condom.” Had that just been a line?

“I never fucked her without a condom. We never had one split or come off. I don’t know how this happened. I promise, Haven, I haven’t lied to you.”

I believed him. I had to. The alternative meant we were done and I knew I wasn’t ready to be done, not yet, not if it was up to me. “You think she’s lying?” I asked. It was a possibility that would probably be better for us as a couple. But for him? Did he want to be a father? Was he excited? Should I ask him? Was I being selfish seeing all this as an obstacle for us rather than an opportunity for him? Too many questions. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, hoping for quiet in my head.

He shrugged. “Beth does. I don’t know.”

It stung a little that he’d told his sister before he’d told me. But if the shoe had been on the other foot, Luke or Ash would likely have been my first call.
Keep calm.
“Are you going to have a paternity test?”

The waiter arrived and took our order and my question hung in the air like a cliffhanger in a soap opera.

“I guess. I’ve not had much time to process any of this.”

I risked a peek at him under my eyelashes as his voice faltered slightly. He looked gray. I reached across and slid my hand over his. He twisted his palm up so we were holding hands across the table. In the space of the last three minutes, I had found out that this beautiful, strong man, who I had assumed had it all, had no mother, no father to speak of and now was going to become a father under less than the best of circumstances. Could he handle this?

“She wants you back?”

He drew his eyebrows together. “What? No. I don’t think so.”

“She wants you back.” Of course she did. Why wouldn’t she? Jake was a great guy and he’d make an incredible father.

“Well, I’m with you. She doesn’t get to have me back.” He sounded resolute.

I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t with the mother of his child. I wasn’t sure I could bear that responsibility. Every second that passed, this road bump in front of us got bigger and bigger.

“Haven?”

“I don’t know what to say. Congratulations?”

Jake closed his eyes. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, it had just come out wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“No,
I’m
sorry. It wasn’t what I was expecting.” Despite everything, the only person I wanted right then was Jake. When had he managed to get inside my inner circle? “How are you feeling about it? I guess part of you must be excited?” I needed to be as understanding as I could.

“Honestly, I don’t know. At the moment I’m too worried about you.”

He was far too good to me. He shouldn’t have to be troubled by me. He should be able to count on my support rather than be concerned I was going to run.

The clatter of a dropped glass in the distance broke my concentration. “How about we give ourselves a time out? Talk about other stuff, just for a few minutes. I need to be lighter—
we
need to be lighter.”

This was not what I’d planned. I’d thought we’d be naked by now. I’d been looking forward to him taking control, restraining me, owning me. I had wanted that and now? Now everything was more complicated. Now I had to be in control.

Jake swept his hands through his hair and leaned back in his chair. “Sounds good. How did the Sandy Fox article go down?” He stretched his too long legs out in front of him. I couldn’t help but enjoy the muscles rearranging themselves under the fabric of his clothes. I wished we were back home. I wanted his arms around me. I stood up abruptly and Jake tensed immediately, watching for my next move. I moved my chair so I was kitty-corner to his, and sat. Our legs touched. I interlinked our fingers, trying to get as much of my skin pressed against his as I could. It felt good.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

“Good.” I smiled at him. “And Robert’s happy and it’s always good to have the boss in a positive mood. The second part comes out this week.”

“Sandy texted me to remind me about the wrap party on Thursday,” Jake said.

“I bet she did,” I replied, rolling my eyes in an exaggerated way. I wasn’t really worried about Sandy, but it felt good to tease him about it. It felt like us. “She wants in your pants. Are you going to go?”

“It depends. Are you? I mean, do you want to go?”

I shrugged. Twenty-four hours ago, heck, even two hours ago, I would have jumped at the chance to go anywhere with Jake. Now I wasn’t sure what the next few days held. Could we survive him having a baby with another woman? Could I?

Jake’s phone rang and a shiver ran down my spine. Was it Millie? She had a claim on him now. She had a reason to be around him, pull him back to her and her glamazonian world. But he silenced the call at the same time our waiter arrived.

The sea bass smelled good, but I had no appetite. Apparently neither did Jake—his burger remained untouched in front of him as we sat, our hands still interlinked.

“Wanna eat, or hold my hand?” I asked.

“I’ll take your hand over food any day.” He flashed me his Jake Harrison grin and I couldn’t help but smile back. He was still
my
Jake.

“Smooth, Mr. Harrison,
very
smooth.”

Eventually, Jake’s stomach won out and he stroked the back of my knuckles with his thumb and let my left hand drop. I tried to pull my right hand away, but he tightened his grip. Apparently he was going to eat one-handed.

He swallowed a mouthful of burger and took a deep breath. “Beth is convinced Millie’s lying.”

“What do you think?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It would make life a lot easier, but I feel terrible for wishing I wasn’t in this situation, for wishing away a baby. Children should be a blessing—I want to be a good father.”

An ache burrowed inside me at the thought it wouldn’t be our child that he would be a father to.

“And I know I can’t accuse her of lying in case I’m wrong and she tries to punish me by not letting me have a relationship with the kid.” Jake shook his head. “It’s all such a mess. I have to take it one step at a time. We’ll have the test eventually, and in the meantime I’ll be there if she needs me.”

“What do you mean? Go for scans and stuff?”

“I guess. I need to meet with her and work out what it is she’s thinking. What she wants.”

“I still think she’s wanting you back.”

“Well, she’s shit out of luck.”

There was nothing he could have said that would have made me feel better, but that didn’t mean I was okay.