What the Lightning Sees: Part Three (3 page)

“You shouldn’t rule it out. We don’t know what’s going to happen. You need to think things through. Maybe we need to take some time.” I squeezed his hand.

“Think through what? There’s nothing to think about,” he said. “Millie and I broke up because I realized dating women like her didn’t work anymore. I don’t actually like her. She’s spoiled and selfish and I have nothing in common with her.”

“All the things I used to think about you.” I patted his leg.

“Yeah, but I dated Millie for three months, so I know it’s true. You made assumptions about me before you knew me.”

“Well she wasn’t spoiled and selfish enough for you to not sleep with her . . .”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I have no right to ask you, but I don’t want this to come between us. What I had with her doesn’t compare to what I have with you.” He seemed so sad.

“We’ve known each other five minutes, Jake. I don’t know what our future holds.” It might not have been the response he wanted, but it was how I felt. It was reality. It all seemed impossible.

“Holy crap,” Ash said “And it’s definitely his from when they were together?”

Sunday dinner was at my place this week. I hadn’t invited Jake and he hadn’t asked why. I wanted to talk to Ash and Luke and sort through my feelings. I needed someone to tell me what I should be doing, how I should be reacting. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. We weren’t doing much cooking collapsed on the sofa, each clasping a glass of wine.

“Millie is saying it’s definitely his,” I replied. Ash’s question was where I was secretly focusing all my hope. If it wasn’t Jake’s baby, everything got a lot easier. “He hasn’t cheated on me. I’m as sure as sure that’s true. I think he’s telling me everything. He even asked me to go with him to meet with Millie tonight.”

“Are you going to go?” she asked.

I’d scoffed when he suggested it. My initial reaction had been it was the last place I wanted to be, but perhaps I’d not done the right thing. “I said no. It’s just too weird, isn’t it?”

“I really have no idea. Is there a book called
What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Having A Baby With Another Woman
?”

I sniggered and took a sip of my wine. “Google it. You never know.”

“It was nice that he asked you.” Ash always tried to see the best in people.

And it
was
reassuring that he’d asked me. Perhaps I was thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe he wanted me to go to support him and I’d let him down. I reached for my phone to text him. “You think I should have gone?”

Ash shrugged and I scrolled through my messages.
I should be there for him.
I cared about him. I wanted to support him.

Haven: Do you want to come round after you’ve seen Millie?

I released the clenched muscles in my stomach when he replied straight away.

Jake: Sure. Absolutely.

A bang and a thud echoed out from the hallway and Ash and I said in unison, “Luke.”

A minute later, he appeared at the door with a beer in his hand.

“Did you move in?” I asked.

“Poor fucking guy.” Luke ignored me and started speaking as if we were mid-conversation and he’d been here all along. I’d told him about Jake last night and he’d sounded more shocked than I had.

“You stick your dick in someone and it’s always a possibility,” Ash said.

Luke groaned and grabbed at his chest as if he were in physical pain.

“How would you feel if Emma got pregnant?” I asked him.

“Seriously, can we not talk about it? She’s not going to get pregnant.”

“What? Ever?” I asked. “You want kids though, right?”

Ash was uncharacteristically quiet. I wondered from time to time how she’d react when Luke got married or became a father. Would she give up on him then? Most of the time she joked about the two of them, but I knew, whatever Luke might say, she really liked him.

“Can we change the subject? This isn’t about me, it’s about Jake. Are you going to stay with him?”

“Of course she’s going to stay with him. They are amazing together—he’s
hot
with a capital H and good in bed.” That was Ash’s M.O. Her dial was set to
deflect with humor
. I wasn’t sure if she was deflecting from my situation or the question of Luke fathering Emma’s children.

Luke ignored her and looked at me. I shrugged. “I really have no idea. I like him. I’ve not liked anyone in forever and he’s different. He makes me laugh and calls me out on my shit. It’s as if he’s crawled inside my head and understands how I work. And I trust him, you know? Like, in the same way I trust you guys. I’ve not felt like that before.”

“That sounds like a man you don’t give up easily on,” Ash said more solemnly than before.

I nodded. I wasn’t ready to let him go. “The thing is, it’s not only about how I feel, is it? He might think it’s best to try and make it work with Millie. I don’t want him to stay with me out of obligation or something. I know that at the moment I don’t want to lose him. He just gets me. So I guess we’ll have to take one step at a time and see how we go.”

“I like that plan,” Luke said. “Don’t overanalyze. Don’t try and nail everything down like you normally do. You’ll have to take each day as it comes.”

“You might have to remind me of that,” I said.

“How’s
Rallegra
?” Ash asked. That was coping strategy two from Ash,
change the subject
. But she was genuinely trying to be helpful. I was so lucky to be surrounded by people who only wanted the best for me.

“Okay. Rumor is the deputy editor role will be available soon. I heard from Emily that one of the girls met up with Carole, the current deputy editor on maternity leave. She said she didn’t think she was coming back.”

“That’s exciting,” Ash said.

“Yeah.” I’d been working toward deputy editor since my last promotion. “She might change her mind though.”

“Sounds great, babe,” Luke said. I loved that he was so proud of me. He’d worked so hard to take care of me after our parents died that doing well in my career at a successful magazine like
Rallegra
seemed like a way to thank him in some small way for the sacrifices he’d made, to make it worth it and show him that it hadn’t all been for nothing.

“Emily’s in with a good shot. She’s been in her role longer. And she’s popular.”

“Robert knows how dedicated and talented you are. He’s always been supportive, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied. Robert was a great boss. If Carole did leave, I should be in the running for her role. I was trying to sound enthusiastic. I just wasn’t sure if I was feeling it. Perhaps I was distracted by Jake or the pregnancy, but I wasn’t sure that was it entirely.

Jake

“Hey,” I said as Haven opened the door.

“Hey, come in.” She lifted up on her toes to receive a kiss, and I bent and brushed my lips against hers. Before I could grab her and turn the kiss deeper, she pivoted and headed down the hall.

Her apartment was full of the sounds of the television but nothing else as I followed her into the kitchen. “Where’s Luke and Ash?”

“They left about half an hour ago. I’m just finishing clearing up. Do you want a drink?” She held up a glass she had taken out of the dishwasher.

I shook my head but took the glass, placing it in the cupboard behind me. It was only a few minutes past nine. They must have left to give Haven and me alone time and I was grateful. I’d been dreading meeting Millie and now all I wanted was Haven. I watched as she continued to unload the dishwasher. How did she make the mundane look so graceful?

“So, how was it?” she asked.

I was relieved she was the one to bring it up. I didn’t want to hide anything but I didn’t want to be the one always introducing the subject. “Weird. Transactional. I thought her sister would be there, but she wasn’t.” It was true. I hadn’t felt anything when I saw Millie again, not even a hint of affection. It was as if Haven had rendered my previous relationship history completely inconsequential. It might be different once there was some physical evidence of my child growing within her, but I’d had no emotional reaction to seeing her at all.

“Did you go to her place?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t there long. About thirty minutes, that’s all. I guess I was trying to be polite by going to see her face-to-face, but I’m not sure I needed to. We didn’t really have anything to say to each other.” I wanted to reassure her that there was no connection between Millie and me.

Haven chewed the inside of her cheek. I moved toward her and brushed her face with my thumb. She slid her hands around my waist as I pulled her toward me. “I want to tell you everything, but I don’t know what you want to know. I have nothing to hide.”

“Is she going to take the test?” she asked, her voice vibrating against my chest.

I liked that she was asking questions. Somehow it felt as though she was invested and that had to be a good sign. “She said she’ll talk to the doctor about it. She has her first ultrasound coming up, so she’s going to bring it up then.”

“Are you going?”

I kissed the top of her head. “No. She’s going with her sister. I offered. She said she didn’t want me there. She was pretty pissed I asked about the test.” Pissed was an understatement. Once she’d realized I wasn’t going to back down on getting confirmation of paternity, she’d been furious. I hadn’t bothered arguing about going with her to the ultrasound.

“Does she want to get back together?”

It was the question I’d been waiting for. Haven had asked before, and I’d brushed it off. But seeing Millie again made me think differently. My gut said that she wanted more from me than just to be her baby daddy. She liked my money and she was pregnant and alone. But she hadn’t done anything specific. “She offered to cook me dinner and she was quite tactile, but I don’t think so. She’s worried I think.” I wasn’t exactly lying; I just wasn’t telling her my suspicions.

“How tactile?” she asked.

“She didn’t grab my junk or anything, but she was a bit touchy.”

She grasped her cheek in her teeth again. “I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything,” I replied.

“Don’t say that. Not until you know what I’m asking.” She was serious and I wanted to be able to see inside her head. To know what was coming and predict how I was going to react.

“It doesn’t matter what it is,” I tried to reassure her.

“Well, that’s a ridiculous thing to say. If I said, ‘promise me you’ll stab yourself with a carving knife,’ are you going to do that?”

I smiled. “No, but you’re not going to ask me to stab myself with a carving knife.”

“I might. The night is young.” She squeezed her eyes half shut in a mock threat.

I grasped her face in my hands. “You’re getting kissed for that,” I said and I pressed my lips to hers softly. She didn’t resist and smoothed her hands up my back. “What do you want me to promise?” I whispered.

“If you want out—for whatever reason—I want you to tell me straight away. Don’t wait until Millie or someone else accidentally falls on your penis, or you hate me or something.”

I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling. “I promise. No one is having anything to do with my penis except, hopefully, you.”