What the Lightning Sees: Part Three (9 page)

Millie threw open the door almost as soon as I’d knocked on it. “It’s so amazing, Harry. I can’t wait for you to see.”

She had her laptop ready, and with a click the film of her ultrasound started to play.

“You see, that’s its head.” She indicated the screen.

I grinned and nodded. I couldn’t exactly see what she’d pointed out, but it was amazing all the same. With every day, fatherhood was becoming more of a reality.

She put her arm around my waist and I pulled her into a hug. “Wow,” was all I could manage.

“It’s so overwhelming, Harry, isn’t it?” Her voice was faltering. Millie and emotion didn’t often mix. It must have been the hormones.

“It’s incredible. Do you have a due date?”

She nodded and couldn’t seem to get her words out. “January.”

“Okay. Good. Well, I’ll make sure I’m around at Christmas. Just in case.”

“Maybe we can spend it together?” she asked. “We’re going to be family, after all.”

And that was the problem, right there. I would never be with Millie in the way that she might want, but whether or not I liked it, and whether or not Haven could live with it, this baby meant Millie and I would be bound together forever. I wanted that connection with Haven, not Millie. I wanted to be married to the mother of my children. My parents had created a blanket of family, safety and love that I wanted to provide for my kid. I didn’t know if it was possible for me to do that on my own. I didn’t know how it worked when you weren’t in love with the mother of your child. When you had to fight over custody arrangements and schooling. I didn’t want to bring up children in a war zone. I was going to have to figure it out, and keeping Millie happy was part of that. I just wasn’t sure what that would do to Haven and me.

“Let’s see where we are at Christmas. I’ve got a lot going on,” I said. I didn’t want to give her false hope, but there was no point in upsetting her unnecessarily.

“We could be happy, the three of us,” she said softly.

My stomach churned and the sense of obligation that was never far from the surface agreed with her. I got her pregnant. I owed her, didn’t I? “I have to go,” I said.

She had tears in her eyes, but she nodded. I kissed her on the top of her head and headed out. To Haven.

“Hey,” Haven said as she opened the door. “How was it?”

I leaned forward, meaning to give her a quick peck on the lips, but as soon as I got near, her scent drew me in, the sweet honeysuckle and musk that was who she was. I circled her waist with my hands and turned the kiss deeper, wanting to get closer. Pulling back, I smiled at her.

“It was that good, huh?”

“We got the results we wanted from the testing and Eric’s happy, so I’m happy.”

“You don’t
seem
that happy. Are you just tired?”

“It’s good to see you. But yes, I’m tired.” I headed into the kitchen for a beer. I was shattered mentally and physically. It was okay as long as I kept going, but being with Haven relaxed me and now I felt the weight of everything I was juggling.

“How’s Millie?” she asked as she went to sit on the sofa.

“She had her ultrasound. Everything is how it should be. It looks like an alien from the DVD, but apparently that’s normal.” I fought back a grin. Was it okay to talk about this stuff with her? I didn’t want to keep secrets from her, but at the same time I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.

“You saw it?” she asked as I sat down next to her.

“Yeah, I popped round on my way here. Is that okay?” I patted my lap, wanting to touch her. She lifted her feet and I snuck my hand up her trouser leg to stroke her smooth, soft skin.

“Of course it’s okay. It’s your baby.”

I nodded. It was my child. My responsibility. I was going to be someone’s protector, their safety net. I wanted it, but the reality was increasingly daunting.

“I was cooking chicken, but would you prefer to go out?” she asked as she removed her legs from my lap and rearranged herself farther away from me.

“Hey.” I pulled her closer and wrapped my arm around her, bringing her head to my shoulder. “No, let’s stay in. I want you to myself and I want to hear about your day.” I didn’t want to talk about the things that took me away from Haven anymore tonight.

Her arms curled around my waist and she hugged me tight. Normally, we would be three steps away from naked, but for now, this was what I needed. Haven close to me, holding me as I was holding her. I wanted to know she was with me on this journey.

The alarm on her phone jolted us from our embrace.

“I need to take the chicken out,” she said and I reluctantly let her go.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked. Her eyes were glassy. She nodded. “Are you upset?”

She smiled and shook her head. “No, not at all. I have a bit of hay fever, that’s all.”

She was clearly close to tears but I didn’t want to push her. The situation was impossible. I was asking a lot of her but I needed to know we were okay, that she was mine.

I stood up and held out my hand. “Come on, dinner can wait.” I led her toward the bedroom.

There were no ropes that night. No need to restrain her. She’d never looked so beautiful.

“Turn over,” I said. She was on all fours and although she had the most perfect ass, I wanted to see her face. I wanted her eyes on mine as she came.

She turned, kneeling to face me, placing her fingers on my shoulders. I loved her hands there. They were so frail and small against my bulk. I grabbed her ass, lifted her and threw her back on the bed. “I have to be inside you right now.”

She reached for her breasts and I pulled her hands away. I wanted an unrestricted view as they moved when I pounded into her.

“Oh, Haven, feel that?” I asked as I felt her warmth.

“Jake,” she whispered and tilted her head back. She was close. She was perfect when she was at this point. She’d do anything for me. She’d tell me anything. It felt powerful and intimate. I knew only I’d ever seen her like this. So exposed. So undone.

Her fingernails dug into the skin of my upper arms and I tried to focus on the pain instead of the beautiful look on her face. Her body went rigid and I saw the climax on her face a second before her muscles rippled around me. I thrust harder, deeper, my orgasm taking over and crashing through me. I groaned as I came, collapsing on top of her the way I knew she liked. Her hands snaked round my back and pulled me closer. She was usually limp and exhausted, but tonight she wouldn’t let go of me. When I rolled to my side, she clung to me.

“Hey,” I said.

She kissed my shoulder again and again. Small, sweet kisses.

I tried to move her so I could see her beautiful face, but she concentrated on pressing her lips to my skin and who was I to argue? Eventually, her grip loosened and she moved off the bed to go to the bathroom.

She came back wearing my t-shirt and I pulled at her waist, bringing her back to my front.

“I may be passing your office later today. I thought I’d come in and say hello.” Haven was sitting at her dressing table as I came out of the shower, towel drying my hair.

“That would be great. I could introduce you to Eric.”

“And Beth’s back tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah, this afternoon. Do you want to come over? I could cook for the three of us.” The more I thought about it, the more I was excited about having a new place, with a big kitchen, where we could cook together and have friends round.

“I think you should catch up with her. I have a deadline so I’ll probably be working late anyway.”

And when I had the new apartment, I could properly ask Haven to move in. I’d mentioned it but she was keen to wait to see how things went with my Dad and Millie and Elemental Energy. But when I was actually moved in, she’d see how great it could be and she’d know how I saw her as a crucial part of my future.

Haven

Last night had pushed me into a decision. Seeing Jake so conflicted, but trying to act as if nothing was wrong, I knew I had to take action. He was going to break if he didn’t let something go. And that something had to be me. I loved him and I wanted what was best for him—less pressure, the chance to be a real father, to be excited about his baby. I wanted that for him.

I knew as soon as he started talking about the scan that last night would be our last night together. He was exuberant but didn’t want to show it in front of me and that’s not how it should be. It nearly killed me, being with him, and knowing it would never happen again. That I would never feel him under my fingertips, inside me, over me—it was almost too much. Too painful.

I wasn’t being entirely selfless. I needed to walk away, too. I had to be sure of the people in my life. Jake was a good man and if the time ever came, he would have to choose Millie and his baby, and that was how it should be. But I couldn’t live with that. If I gave my heart and trust to someone, I needed to know that they would never leave me.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

I’d passed the main entrance to Jake’s building for the fourth time. I knew I was doing the right thing, but part of me still wanted to believe it could be different. I had to stop delaying. There was no magic bullet, no strike of lightning that was going to make everything okay. It was now or never. I took a deep breath, releasing the muscles clenched in my belly. I smoothed back my hair, making sure nothing escaped my bun as I walked into the Lombard Street building.