What the Lightning Sees: Part Three (7 page)

“I know you’re trying to be nice, but how exactly? When the baby’s born things will only get more complicated. I can’t see how this is going to work out. Shit, I have another call coming in.” I checked the screen. “Do you mind if I take it? It’s Jake.”

“Of course not, as long as you promise me you won’t make any rash decisions.”

“I promise,” I said before I hung up.

“Hey, sorry were you sleeping?” Jake said.

“No, on the phone to Ash.”

“Oh dear, am I on the bad boyfriends list? I’m really sorry about tonight.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” I lied. “Where are you now?”

“I’m at Millie’s. She seems okay. She’s nervous, it being her first baby and everything. I was reading somewhere that’s natural.”

It was such an uncomfortable conversation. Talking to my boyfriend about his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy. I finally wanted to get close to someone and there was this huge space between us.

“I’m sure that’s right. Are you going to stay like last time?” I hated that he’d slept over there before. I’d believed him when he’d said he was on the sofa, but him being there overnight didn’t seem right.

Maybe he caught something in my voice. Perhaps he saw what I was truly thinking because I couldn’t have been happier about his response. “No. I don’t want that to become a pattern. Do you want me to come back over when I’m done here?”

Of course I wanted him to come back to me. “No, you’re just round the corner from home.” I didn’t want to be the person he was with when Millie didn’t need him. I wanted to be the person he put first. “You should stay at your place tonight. You have a lot going on.”

“Haven?”

“Yes?”

“No running from me, I mean it.”

Was I running? I felt the distance, but I was standing still. “I’m exactly where you left me.”

“I’m sorry. This will get better.”

“Get some sleep,” I said. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, maybe for once in my life, walking away would be the right thing.

Jake

It felt weird to wake up on my own. Recently I’d either been with Haven or I’d woken to Beth crashing about outside my room, which at least meant I’d got an early start on my day.

I was going to make it up to Haven this weekend. Millie’s sister was back so hopefully I wouldn’t get any phone calls interrupting my time with Haven and we could just hang out together. Naked.

“I’ll take the Lombard Street one,” I said to the realtor. I’d seen three office spaces and was on my fourth. I didn’t want to spend any more time on this. I had enough to do. “You’re sure we can be in straight away?” Eric was arriving from California this weekend.

“As soon as you sign the contract, I can give you the keys. If you get yourself a coffee next door, I’ll go and get the paperwork and we can go through it all now.”

“Great.” It felt as though I was making progress on the future¸ or the part of it I had any control over. If I started looking at new apartments with Haven, perhaps that would help me feel as though my personal life was on track, too.

My cell buzzed in my pocket. I couldn’t wait to tell Haven I’d found somewhere, but it was Millie.
Tension pulled at my chest. I was irritated that she was calling and at the same time concerned something might be wrong. I accepted the call.

“Hey, Harry. Your baby kept me up all night.”

“I’m right in the middle of something. Is this urgent?” I needed to discourage her constant contact without making her feel abandoned.

“I wanted to see if you could come round to dinner tonight?”

“What do you mean?” Was she throwing a dinner party?

“I’m taking a cooking class and I thought you could be my guinea pig.”

“You are?” That didn’t sound like the Millie I knew.

“Yeah, I want to become more nurturing.”

“I have plans, I’m afraid. With Haven.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, quietly. I immediately felt bad.

Should I have considered dinner? I knew she was scared to be a single mother. Especially coming from her old-school family. She hadn’t said how her parents had reacted, but I guessed it couldn’t have been well. She needed my support, but there was only so much of me to go around. She had to understand that as a couple, we didn’t have a future. I was with Haven.

“I was trying to be nice, Harry.” She hung up.

Had I been too hard on her? Maybe she
was
trying to be nice. Just as I started to feel bad about our conversation, my phone rang again. Would she ever give up?

“What?” I snapped.

“Jesus, stress head. What did I do to you?” Beth asked, her familiar voice jolting me back into reality. I was a mess.

“Thank God it’s you. How are you? How’s Dad?”

“We’re all fine. But it sounds like
you’re
about to have a heart attack. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Tell me about Chicago.”

Beth sounded excited as she talked about catching up with old friends and meeting new people at her AA meeting. I was relieved that she seemed okay.

“I’d forgotten how much I like this city. I think I had so many unhappy memories that they overshadowed the good stuff, but now the happy ones are starting to poke through again.”

“That’s great. And how are things with Marissa?”

“She’s a bit weird, and she wears way too much makeup but she loves Dad, which I guess is all that matters.”

“I think she always loved him,” I said.

“I hope so. I just didn’t see it. I wanted her to love me. I was too young to focus on the right stuff. But we had dinner last night after visiting hours. We’re both making an effort.”

“And Dad is okay with you?”

“Yeah. I think he was pleased to see me. He’s been asking me lots of questions about you. He still doesn’t understand what you do.”

“Well, that makes two of you,” I said, grinning. It felt good to know he was asking after me. I missed the feeling that there was a safety net behind me. That’s what parents did, they caught you when you fell. And I hadn’t had that since Mom died. There was no way any kid of mine wouldn’t know I was right there behind them.

“I miss you. How are things with Haven?”

“Okay, I think.”

“Excuse me? Okay ‘you think’? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means things are . . . I have a lot going on with Elemental starting up and Eric coming over and Millie—”

“What have you got going on with Millie? There’s no baby yet.”

“Yeah, but she’s needed me the last few days. Her sister’s not been around, so I’ve had to get her stuff and it’s kind of interrupted things with Haven. She’s not said anything but it’s—”

“You don’t need to become Millie’s manservant to prove you’re not going to abandon your children, Jake. You are the most kind-hearted, generous man I know. That kid is going to be begging to live with you. You never need to worry about not being there. It’s in your DNA, but you don’t need to sign over your happiness to Millie to prove that—to her, to the baby or to yourself.”

Beth thought I got all the good genes, but she had it the wrong way around. Somehow, her addiction had given her insight that I would never have. As if alcoholism had concentrated a lifetime’s experience into a few years. Or perhaps addiction was the cure for real wisdom, a way to drown out the cruelty of reality. “You think that’s what I’ve been doing?”

“I do. And remember, Millie is going to do everything she can to get you back. And preferably get a ring on her finger, I imagine. She’s fucked up by getting pregnant as far as her life plan is concerned. In fact, if you weren’t loaded, I bet she would have had an abortion—”

“Beth!”

“Be shocked all you like, Jake, it’s true. I’d put money on it. Don’t fuck things up with Haven by playing along with Millie’s games. You don’t even know if it’s your baby yet.”

Had I been too indulgent with Millie?

“I feel like I’ve been spanked,” I said.

“I don’t want to hear about your pervy sexual preferences. But consider yourself told off,” Beth replied.

“When are you coming home?” I missed her.

“Holy C. R. A. P.” Haven spelled out the letters as if she were swearing in front of a small child. We had just walked through what Debbie, my realtor, described as the master bedroom suite.

“Holy crap?” I asked her. It wasn’t entirely clear whether she liked the place or not.

Haven just nodded, which didn’t help my understanding at all.

“Well it’s good that there wouldn’t be anything to do,” I said, still staring at Haven to try to work out whether or not she was impressed.

“Everything is brand new. You’d be buying straight from the developer, so no one has lived with any of the fixtures or fittings,” Debbie explained. “And it’s already dressed. All the furniture will stay, so you simply move in.”

“What’s through there?” Haven asked.

“That’s the dressing room,” Debbie said as Haven wandered over and opened a door.

“Well that’s ridiculous. It’s as big as my whole bedroom.” She was wide eyed and so beautiful. I could see her here. She seemed at home.

“Beth would like it,” I said.

“Of course she would. It’s incredible.” So, she liked it, that was good.

“The heart of the apartment is the living space. Let me show you.” Debbie moved back into the corridor and we followed. “Views are southwest,” she said, sweeping her arm across the room.

The area was at least as big as my entire apartment, and in this light, Haven came to life. She looked as though she belonged here.

“There’s a study through that sliding door, which you can open up into the main room if you wanted more space.”

“Holy crap,” Haven said again, not bothering to spell out the word this time.

“All the floors are engineered walnut. Have a brochure. The full spec is in there. And then you have access to the wrap-around balcony from the master suite and the living space. It’s a great property, but it won’t be on the market long.”

It was a huge leap from my old place in Earls Court. I had this incredible girl and I was going to be a father in a few months. I was ready to take the next step toward my future.

“But there are two more bedrooms, right?” I asked.

The two smaller bedrooms were still a good size and plenty big enough for a baby. “This would work for a nursery.” I said as we entered the room next to the master bedroom.

“You’re pregnant?” Debbie said, glancing between us. “Or making plans to be?” Haven pinched her cheek between her teeth.

“Just planning,” I said, trying to be as ambiguous as possible. “Thanks for showing us around,” I said, wanting to steer the conversation to less uncomfortable ground. I didn’t want to explain my paternal complications to a complete stranger.

“I’ll give you two a moment and I’ll see you outside,” Debbie said.

When I heard the front door click, I turned to Haven. “So what do you think?”

“I think it’s beautiful. Like, amazing.” She sounded more subdued than she had before Debbie’s comment.

“You like it?” I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her toward me.