2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (11 page)

My wife is a little immature. I found that out when we went to our first fancy dress ball and she wore elbow-length mittens.

Have you noticed how the big trend in clothes today is leather? My wife has boots that come from a cow and I have a coat that comes from a bull. We don't take any chances. Before we open our closet door, we knock!

I can remember when you dressed up in a ridiculous-looking outfit and went to a masquerade party. Now you go to work!

I have one of those gentleman's valet stands. Last night I put my cerise tie around it, my lavender shirt, my powder-blue bell-bottoms, my shocking-pink jacket—and it crossed its legs.

One of those hamburger chains ran a suggestion contest on how to improve sales. One employee suggested they put meat in the hamburgers. Would you believe it—they gave him $155 for that suggestion? His severance pay.

Now there's a franchise for people who buy franchises and don't read the small print. It features take-out lawyers!

I went to one of those fat farms and they really work. The first day alone I was $500 lighter.

I always feel a little silly going to a fat farm. There's something about spending $500 to take off what it cost you $5,000 to put on!

You have no idea what these fat farms are like. Two hundred starving people standing around counting the minutes to the next meal. It's the first time I ever saw a waiter hijacked for his rolls!

Then they put us in the steam room and that's really something. Everybody's standing around in sheets, sweating. It's like a Ku Klux Klan meeting in Watts.

They put you on a very strict diet. It starts off with three martinis, sour cream and blintzes, roast beef and baked potatoes dripping with butter, and two slices of apple pie à la mode. They show this to you and then you have your first meal—you eat your heart out!

I lost so much weight, people kept looking at my ankles. Why not? That's where my pants were.

Did you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have fathers is to provide material for situation comedies?

Mom gave Dad a membership in Weight Watchers and I gave Dad a subscription to
Playboy.
I figure, let him decide whose weight he wants to watch.

Isn't that sweet? My secretary is giving me clothing for Father's Day. Tell me, what's a paternity suit?

It isn't easy to be a father these days. My daughter brings home more crumbs than a sloppy waitress!

Have you noticed how the big thing in men's toiletries is lime? Everything smells of lime and it really works. Yesterday I got a phone call and a voice said, “[
YOUR NAME
], ever since you started using lime after-shave lotion, lime toilet water, and lime cologne, I've fallen madly in love with you.” I said, “You have? Would you mind speaking a little louder?” It said, “I can't. I'm a grapefruit!”

Did you hear about the two killer whales who were watching a fleet of fishing boats pull in their catch? Finally, one nudged the other and said, “Look who's calling names!”

Two fish were talking and one said, “Did you hear that Charlie the Tuna called off his engagement to Minnie the Mermaid?” The second fish said, “Charlie the Tuna called off his engagement to Minnie the Mermaid? What for?” He said, “What for? Did you ever see the top half of her?”

I happen to know that Florida is now working on something that could revolutionize its real estate market. It's an alligator that eats crabgrass!

There is only one problem with taking a winter vacation in Florida. You spend two weeks getting a deep, rich, golden tan—then they hand you the bill and you're pale again!

Last year I got down there and right away I put in a long-distance phone call to my travel agent. I said, “I'm paying sixty-five dollars a day and you ought to see this room!” He said, “Is it facing the ocean?” I said, “It isn't even facing the hallway!”

In all fairness, he did warn me. I asked him if you could get along in Florida on sixty-five dollars a day. He said, “If you're an alligator, yes. If you're a tourist, no!”

I should have been suspicious when he said the hotel was in North Miami Beach. North Miami Beach—that's travel agent talk for Wilmington, North Carolina.

I won't comment on the weather we had. Did you know they named a wine after the first bird who ever flew down to Florida for the winter? Cold Duck!

This is the season when you're faced with the problem: What do you say to the person who has everything—and he's breathing on you?

The flu season is when you start off in the morning with a light heart and end up in the evening with a heavy nose!

In our house the only thing that gets recycled is the flu.

If you're a husband, this time of year can be dangerous. I'll explain what I mean. What if only two people in town have the flu—you and the baby-sitter?

You know what really shakes you up during the flu season? When you tell the doctor your symptoms and he starts backing away!

Can you imagine riding in a plane at two and a half times the speed of sound? You whisper something to the stewardess and by the time she hears it, it's too late!

Personally, I always fly first class.

You meet a better class of hijacker.

I just finished reading a book about the Wright Brothers—the two fellas who invented the airplane. Boy, just think what would be happening today if it wasn't for the Wright Brothers. They'd be showing movies on stagecoaches!

They say Orville and Wilbur Wright learned how to fly by watching the birds. It's a good thing they didn't watch rabbits!…

We'd all be hopping. Don't get ahead of me like that.

The last time I went to New York, it was incredible. We circled the airport for two hours. What made it so incredible, we were in a bus!

I can't help it, I'm deathly afraid of height.

When I sneeze, my wife just says, “Gesund!”

Now here's the plan. We cross pasta with a boa constrictor. We get spaghetti that winds itself around the fork!

All this talk about food stamps. It's ridiculous. How often do you get to mail a pork chop?

My wife bought a leg of lamb last Sunday. I won't say it was tough, but I think we got the only lamb in town that went in for jogging.… I had to use an electric carving knife to cut it—and this was just the gravy!

There's so much deception in this world. I bought a barbecued chicken, took it home. What do you think it was? A duck with a nose job!

Puffed rice is very popular these days. It's what you throw at weddings when the bride is expecting.

A bagel is a recruiting office for dentists.

Prices are so high, it's ridiculous. I don't mind breaking a hundred on the golf course—but in the supermarket?

You can't imagine how high food prices are. I can remember when it was bread that was enriched. Now it's supermarkets!

Prices are so high, they used to have signs saying, “
WATCH YOUR CHILDREN.
” Now they say, “
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.
”

Prices are just ridiculous. Yesterday I went into one of those fried chicken places and spent $1.50 for a wing and a drumstick. It's the first time I ever paid an arm and a leg for an arm and a leg!

It shows you how times have changed. I can remember when people were singing: “How High the Moon?” Now it's “How High the Lamb Chops!”

Food prices are so high, last night we had a religious experience. I think it was the Last Supper.

If food prices go any higher, a status symbol is going to be a toothpick!

Food prices are so high, shoppers have the same problem as the [
LOSING BASEBALL TEAM
]. It's awfully hard to get the bags loaded.

You can always tell when the baseball season is over and the football season is starting. The fellas doing the shaving commercials are much bigger.

For an ideal fall vacation, why not see Effigy—a charming little town whose principal industry is burning football coaches.

Football is a game in which twenty-two big, strong, healthy fellas run around like crazy for two hours—while fifty thousand people who really need the exercise watch them!

You can't believe what some of these professionals look like. Six feet six—360 pounds. If you re out at the beach and a fella like this kicks sand in your face—do the smart thing. Help him!

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil something on the seat of his pants—
THIS END UP
!

Fellas who sit with a six-pack in front of a TV set and watch two football games and a golf tourney bring something special into a home—divorce.

I finally discovered the reason why housewives don't like football. I was watching a game on TV and I said, “Look at that! He's sweeping around right end!” My wife said, “What's that?” I said, “Right end?” She said, “No—sweeping.”

A religious liberal is someone who goes to the Notre Dame-SMU game and roots for a tie.

Let's all stand and sing the marching song of horror movie fans: “Gory, Gory, Hallelujah!”

Then there was the Frankenstein monster. He always walked around like this: [
STIFF-LEGGED WALK WITH ARMS OUTSTRETCHED
]. Worst case of arthritis I ever saw!

The Frankenstein monster never talked. He just went like this: [
ROAR AND MAKE A MENACING GESTURE WITH YOUR HAND
]. Fortunately I can understand that 'cause I'm married.

I'm so married, every time I see the Frankenstein monster go: [
REPEAT ROAR AND GESTURE
], I get up and take out the garbage.

Now they're trying something new in horror pictures. It's a Frankenstein picture with heart. The opening scene shows the monster looking up at a flash of lightning and calling, “Mother!”

Did you hear about the Martian who was standing in front of a movie theater staring at a picture of the Frankenstein monster? Finally, another Martian comes up beside him and says, “Is that all you ever think about—sex?”

Isn't it wonderful the way politicians always try to add that warm personal touch to everything? Yesterday I got a fund-raising letter addressed: To Whom It May Concern. It said, “Dear Whom”!

As you know, this is a $1,000-a-plate dinner. I don't know who came up with that price but I think it's my dentist.

I didn't really think they were going to charge $1,000 a plate until I saw the treasurer and finance chairman wearing nylon stockings-over their heads!

Did you hear about the $1,000-a-plate political dinner that lost money? The dum-dums served meat!

The latest concept in charity is the benefit cocktail party. It gives you a chance to raise funds and hell at the same time.

This church is so prosperous, one Sunday the finance chairman took the collection—all the way to Brazil.

UNCHURCHED
can mean a person who isn't affiliated with any religious organization. It can also mean a congregation that didn't think the bank would foreclose.

Most churches would have no problems if people put in the plate on Sunday as much as they take off the plate at the annual dinner.

As the minister said to his wife after counting the Sunday collection, “I just figured out why so many people are switching from drugs to religion. It's cheaper.”

Many churches operate on Mickey Rooney budgets. At the end of the year they're a little short.

Let's all sing that wonderful old hymn about the church that spent $140,000 for a new building and didn't have enough left over to buy pews. It's called “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus!”

“My uncle's a coin collector.”

“He's a numismatist?”

“No, he counts the Sunday offering.”

It's called cold cash because our treasurer doesn't keep it long enough to warm it up.

I know a church that held a two-month fund-raising campaign to buy a $2,000 boiler and came up with $87. So they didn't buy the boiler. They figured they were in enough hot water already.

It's rather discouraging to belong to a church that's always asking for money. You're never sure if you're one of the flock or one of the fleeced.

I had kind of a prophetic introduction to my church's building fund campaign. The minister said, “O Lord, give us Thy succor!” And then I walked in.

True faith is dropping your last three bills into the collection plate—one from the butcher and two from the dry cleaner.

Our finance chairman didn't want to alarm you but he did ask me to say that if we don't put some money into our treasury soon, we're going to be arrested for impersonating the government.

Then there's the more direct method of fund-raising. Like the finance chairman saying, “Each member in favor of our meeting the budget this year, please raise your hand—and have a $500 check in it!”

Show me a finance chairman who believes in secret giving and I'll show you a fund-lowerer.

Even in the dead of winter, the finance committee is never chilled by cold cash.

An amateur fund-raiser says, “Give till it hurts!” So does a professional fund-raiser—only he applies a little novocaine first.

Most churches pledge their membership once a year. There's no money down and twelve months to pray.

It's amazing how many church members are like the mantis. They pray a lot but they don't pledge!

I'd like to talk to those of our members who are pledging weekly—very weakly.

We're looking for militant givers. If you want to sign a pledge card for $5,000—write on!

Be a good host to your canvasser. Invite him into your giving room.

Then there's the canvasser who reported back to his team captain and said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is Mr. Smith gave us a bundle!” The captain said, “Mr. Smith gave us a bundle? That's great. Now what's the bad news?” The canvasser said, “He's a laundryman.”