2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (15 page)

A folk singer is someone who sings about the joys of the simple life—using a $5,000 sound system.

A lot of people today are like acupuncture—they work, but they don't know why they work!

I know a couple—she's overweight and he's neurotic—and they're a sensation at masquerade balls. They go as a horse and buggy!

A priest getting married is nothing new. Nowadays you'd be surprised how many men are fathers on their wedding day.

With all this talk about priests getting married, have you ever considered how awkward it is the first time one of them makes his move? He asks the girl to come closer and it's like a famous hymn. She says, “Nearer? My God! To thee?”

When it comes to endangered species, how about people who say “Thank you”?

As any woman will tell you, there are three major parties in America today—Republican, Democratic, and Tupperware.

Kids are unbelievable. My daughter today is reading books on the bus that twenty years ago would have embarrassed our family doctor!

Presenting the shortest history book in the world: Many, many years ago there was a garden called Eden. In this garden there lived two people—Adam and Bruce.

I'd live within my income but it's such a poor neighborhood.

Last night I umpired my first Little League baseball game. If you've never been to one, it's like World War II with innings.

My kid is in the Little Leagues. He's the greatest pitcher this team ever had. Last week he threw the ball six times—didn't miss the bat once!

Little League is where the kid on the mound has five basic pitches—a fast ball, a slow ball, a curve, a sinker, and one that reaches the plate.

It doesn't make sense—like a ten-thousand-car motorcade to protest air pollution.

It doesn't make sense—like a masochist taking aspirin.

It doesn't make sense—like giving my brother-in-law work clothes.

It doesn't make sense—like jogging two miles to buy cigarettes.

It doesn't make sense—like singing “O Come All Ye Faithful” at a wife-swapping party.

People just don't take marriage seriously anymore. You can tell. There's a department store downtown that carries its wedding gowns in the sporting goods section.

I had my doubts about this marriage thirty minutes before the ceremony—when the bride and groom were flipping a coin to see who got to wear the gown.

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch Johnny Carson after. Forty is when you watch Johnny Carson during. Sixty is when you watch Johnny Carson instead.

Marriage is something, it's plain to see,

That starts off X and ends up G.

Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is never having a chance to say anything.

Marriage is when you see a fella in his slippers and bathrobe taking out the garbage on a cold, rainy night—and you recognize him. It's you!

They even have one of those sexy after-shave lotions called
TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
You put it on and, five minutes later, they're all over you. Not women—ants!

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I think the romance has gone out of our marriage. My wife just sent me a twenty-fifth anniversary card. It was addressed to Occupant.

We would have gotten a divorce long ago but we tried to work it out—for the sake of the home movies.

I'm so unlucky, I have a collie, a fox terrier, and a poodle—and the only one who barks at me is my wife.

My wife and I had a very interesting family fight today. She claims the car is in more of our home movies than she is.

I know a fella who wants to get married but he can't.

He's a pacifist.

My wife and I had a rather interesting fight last night. She said it was five days since our last fight—and I said it was four.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers!

I'll tell you what our house is like. We have three priests living with us who want to get married. The church sent them over to change their mind.

Some husbands complain that their wives don't do anything when they make love. Now my wife isn't like that. She crochets.…

You've heard of the rhythm method?

With us it's knit one, purl two!

Men, when you get married, the first thing you should do is take your little black address book and burn it—into your memory!

My wife is always accusing me of running around with other women. What does she mean by that “running around with other women”? It's like I joined the track team at the YWCA.

Believe me, running around with women will never get you into trouble. It's the pit stops!

Fortunately, I have something that lets me see the funny side of marriage—a microscope.

I just heard an interesting conversation in the lobby. A wife was saying to her husband, “Tell me, dear. Before we got married, did you say you were oversexed or over sex?”

Kids today don't wait. I went to a wedding where the bride was given away by her father—not to mention her waistline.

They had three figures on top of the wedding cake—
the bride, the groom, and an obstetrician.

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?” And you know what the answer is? “Morning sickness!”

There's no question that sometimes the romance does go out of a marriage. If you've been married twenty-five years, foreplay is a nudge.

One marriage counselor doesn't waste any time.

He has a sign on his door:
KNOCK—THEN KNOCK IT OFF
!

Did you hear about the couple who met in a marriage counselor's office for an attempt at reconciliation? The husband said, “Look, we've both said and done things we shouldn't have. Let's forget about all that and go back to the way it was on our honeymoon. We'll go home and I'll make passionate love to you!” She said, “Over my dead body.” He said, “That's right. We won't change a thing!”

We should all be very grateful to our neighbors. Just think, a marriage counselor gets twenty-five dollars an hour to listen to a couple yelling and screaming and fighting. Neighbors do it for nothing.

Listening to the mayor talk about taxes is a preview of coming extractions.

This is the only town where if the mayor really likes you, he gives you the key out of the city!

We have a great mayor. He's the one who took crime out of the back alleys and put it right out on the street where we can keep an eye on it.

You read some of the statements coming out of City Hall and you realize not all of the ding-a-lings are on ice cream trucks.

I once visited City Hall when the mayor was making one of his critical decisions. I didn't actually see the mayor but I did see the coin being flipped.

Major Medical has made it possible for millions of Americans to be ill at ease.

I'm a little worried about the mail order medical insurance policy I just bought. They sent me the policy and my mailman a scalpel.

My wife and I have a wonderful medical insurance policy. We get $750 if one of us gets pregnant—me!

Insurance is a lot like wearing a hospital gown.

You're never covered as much as you think you are.

You have to be impressed with medical science. First it was skin transplants; then eye transplants; then heart transplants; and now the most fantastic transplant of them all! I just read where a fella gave his seat to a lady!

An internist is the emcee of the medical profession. He doesn't do anything himself. He just points to other doctors.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I don't know who said it but I wouldn't want him to be my doctor!

They now have a copper band that eliminates headaches. It fits right over your kid's mouth.

I'm at that in-between age. I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care!

Middle age is the time when what sits on your knee isn't girls, it's your stomach.

You know you've reached middle age when you want something bigger on your
Playboy
Calendar—the numbers.

The first time you put on bifocals you feel like a kid again. You go down stairs three at a time—sometimes on purpose.

Middle age is when couples are reaching the
Playboy
stage of their marriage. She's folding out and he's folding up!

Middle age is when, if you take the Pill before going to bed, 10 to 1 it's aspirin!

Middle age is the most wonderful part of your life. You're just halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!

Middle age is when you start having a lot of kidney problems. The spirit is willing but the flush is weak!

Middle age is when you begin to wonder who put the quicksand in the hourglass of time.

Middle age is when you're beginning to wonder if, in the pursuit of happiness, you haven't gone right past it.

Middle age is when you first begin to realize there's one more thing in this world that's biodegradable—you!

Middle age is when you can't turn the TV set off or your wife on.

I'm at that in-between age—halfway between
Playboy
and play dead.

Fortunately I'm not getting any older. The guy in the mirror is, but I'm not!

It's an eerie feeling turning fifty. Somehow I never figured to burn out before my picture tube did.

Never trust anyone who says he's thirty—and then shakes up a container of milk before pouring it.

A church looking for a minister has this in mind: He must have the humility of a saint, the administrative skills of an executive, the speaking ability of a spellbinder, the counseling know-how of a psychiatrist, and the wage requirements of an elephant—he has to work for peanuts.

If a church expects its minister to cut the grass, take out the garbage, and tidy up the building before the service—what they're really looking for is a D.D. A Doctor of Demeanity.

Did you hear about the minister who felt his sermon entitled
IT'S LATER THAN YOU THINK
was a huge success, because people kept looking at their watches?

Happiness to a minister is someone who snores in the same key as the closing hymn.

I know a minister who paid for his seminary tuition by working for the Internal Revenue Service. He's not much on sermons but he's great on collections!

The problem with having a too liberal minister is, you have to remind him that if he keeps telling the congregation like it is, he ain't never gonna get those collections like it was.

Yesterday I was walking by a phone booth; a fella leaned out and said, “I just got seven wrong numbers in a row.” I said, “Why tell me?” He said, “I'm a minister. Would you mind saying a few appropriate words?”

Did you hear about the seminary student who took out an installment loan to pay his tuition? He said, “Get me to the church on time!”

I didn't realize how far the ecumenical movement had gone until I walked past a confessional. A voice said, “Father, I'm getting married tomorrow.” And the other voice said, “Mazel tov!”

We were so poor it was embarrassing. Pigeons used to feed
us
!

Poverty is catching. You can get it from your kids.

We were poor. The people next door were poor. The whole neighborhood was poor. We had the only fortune-teller that read Kool-Aid.

Money does bring happiness. Send some and watch us smile!

Nowadays, money
can
buy happiness. What it can't buy is anything else!

Someone once said, “Money can't buy happiness. Money can't buy respect. Money can't buy love.” I don't know who said it but he's got to be the world's worst shopper!

Yesterday I analyzed my paycheck. They deducted federal tax, state tax, city tax, Social Security, pension plan, medical plan, and union dues. I looked at the balance and now I know how an over-the-hill exhibitionist feels. There's nothing left to take out!

That's a little bit of an exaggeration. In fact, at this very moment I have enough money to last me the rest of my life—providing I walk across freeways.

They say some women get terribly excited when they hear four-letter words—like
SALE
!

I don't know why they call counterfeit bills “funny money.” You get stuck with a twenty and see how much laughing you do.

I know a fella from Dallas who's so rich he doesn't wear elevator shoes. He just had Texas lowered.

A fella who worked on a Department of Sanitation truck won the million-dollar lottery; quit his job; bought a very expensive house in a very exclusive neighborhood; and nobody ever knew he used to work on a Department of Sanitation truck. Until one day his wife opened the trunk of their Cadillac—and from force of habit, he threw the garbage in.

Remember when they used to talk about something so simple, even a child could do it? Nowadays they mean sex.

Kids today have a different attitude about life. If you're middle-aged, you worry about ring around the collar. If you're a kid, you don't even worry about ring around the finger.

I know a church organist who has a special tune for brides who are in their eighth month: “Love in Bloom.”

I read that in 1978 over 800,000 men married girls who were already pregnant. How lazy can you get?

I don't know what's happening to this world. A fella down the street is running a back-to-school sale. He's an obstetrician.

Marriage isn't what it used to be. What it used to be is required.

But it's amazing how many couples today are living without “benefit of clergy.” That's an old expression meaning: “I'm not sure. You're not sure. So why blow the two bucks?”