2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (12 page)

I won't say how he gets such big contributions, but his last three pledges were signed with a swizzle stick.

The greatest problem in America today is procrastination. Take funerals. Why do people wait to the last minute to have them?

Have you noticed how the people who work in funeral homes all look alike? You have to nudge them to make sure they're not one of the customers.

Do you know what they're getting for funerals these days? Twenty-five hundred dollars! Now you know why they call them the
dear
departed.

I don't mind telling you, I'm worried. Yesterday I caught the bouquet at a funeral.

The reading of the will has never made much sense to me. Here's a bunch of people sitting around listening to someone who's dead say he's of sound mind and body.

Show me a fella whose uncle dies and leaves him $2 million—and I'll show you an eager bereaver.

My aunt never stopped criticizing my uncle. I can still remember his funeral service. The minister said, “Ashes to ashes.” She leaned over and said, “I told you where he'd go!”

I have never won an argument with my wife. Last month I wanted to get a watchdog and she wanted to get a fur coat. She said, “I'd feel pretty silly wearing a German shepherd to the opera.” Well, yesterday it happened. A burglar broke in. You don't know how silly I felt saying, “Kill!” to a mink!

I know a fella who went into a store and bought a $4,000 fur coat. He said, “It's for my wife.” And his wife saw him. So it was.

Women are never satisfied. I gave my wife a brand-new mink coat for Easter and she gets mad because of one little word on the label—
SANFORIZED
.

The real gamblers can always tell when winter comes to Las Vegas. The chips feel colder.

OVERHEARD:
“It's so discouraging. Last week Melvin bought $50,000 worth of life insurance and this morning he dropped dead! —I never win a thing.”

I know a bookie who's all heart. At Little Big Horn he would have given you Custer and three points.

Seed catalogs are a triumph of hope over experience.

It's like having another kid.

Faith is what you find in churches, synagogues, and people who buy twenty-five-cent seed packets.

I don't know why but I've always had a lot of trouble with gardening. That space out in the backyard may look like a garden to you. To me it's more like a Forest Lawn for seeds!

Did you ever get the feeling someone was feeding your garden birth control pills?

I have so much trouble with my garden, the immortal Sir Walter Scott even mentioned it. He wrote: “Breathes there the man with soil so dead!”

The first thing you should do with a garden is turn it over. Turn it right over to someone who knows what they're doing.

The one thing every good gardener has is a green thumb. It comes from pulling twenties out of your wallet at the garden supply shop.

You've heard the expression “dirt cheap”? My garden supply store hasn't.

Scientists claim that plants have feelings and they'll grow faster if you talk to them. All right. How do you say, “Right on!” in Geranium?

For you gardeners in the audience, March is the time to plant pansies and sweet Williams—but not too close together.

They say gardening is hard work. You bet your asters it is.

I never realized how much work there was. You show me any garden, and if the flowers look like heaven—the gardener looks like the other place!

Thanks to gardening, I have calluses in places I didn't even know I had places!

I gave up gardening the day I learned that the secret of a green thumb is brown knees.

You know what I like about a garden? Every day you can have something that's fresh cut. Sometimes it's flowers. Sometimes it's fingers.

I just heard a comment that could explain all of our problems. It went: “Of course we're having our ups and downs. What do you expect when you elect yo-yos?”

An authority is someone who knows that half the people in Washington are crooks. An expert is someone who knows which half.

No wonder the truth is in such bad shape in Washington. Look how it's been stretched.

Senators and congressmen are public servants, so we really shouldn't complain. You know how hard it is to get good help these days.

I keep having this terrible dream. That I'm part of a profit-sharing plan—and I work for the government.

I just found out why my wife and I are having such a hard time keeping up with the Joneses. They're on welfare.

The problem with welfare is, people neither love it
nor
leave it.

I know a government efficiency expert who loves to go to the ballet. Says it's the only chance he gets to see people on their toes!

Some places have a town crier. We have thousands of them. Anybody who voted for Mayor ___________.

You know what this city really needs? A mayor who's on the premises as much as he's on the payroll!

In all fairness, our city government is always trying. Yesterday a plane flew over downtown and dropped 3 million leaflets. They said:
A CLEANER [YOUR TOWN] IS UP TO YOU
!

Graft is a thumb on the scales of justice.

Good government is when the Department of Sanitation cleans up and the Police Department doesn't.

The national debt is approaching a trillion dollars. Which raises an interesting question: How do you repossess a country?

This is the kind of budget that makes you wonder if the ship of state has lifeboats.

What this country needs is a taxpayers' revolt. Let's put the seat of government on Weight Watchers!

It's no wonder the government is losing money. Look at the old-fashioned way it does things. Like, when was the last time Internal Revenue ran a sale?

The Administration is really concerned about money. You can tell. Last week the First Lady gave three parties—two dinner and one Tupperware.

We may complain about government spending but it really is involved in some worthwhile projects. For instance, it just funded a $75,000 study to find out how people who don't have kids get headaches.

The Federal Reserve has increased the liquidity of money. I know it has. Mine goes like water!

I love that phrase “revenue sharing.” It sounds so dignified, so important. Isn't that what a mugger does?

Revenue sharing with the government is like giving your secretary a mink coat and getting a handshake in return.

Kids today are very independent but I notice most of them are graduating with a Ph.D. Pa's Help and Donations!

I read that thirty thousand Ph.D.s were awarded last year. Isn't that ridiculous? Where are they gonna find that many cabs to drive?

Thanks to modern, progressive, enlightened methods of education,
we could be growing the first generation who ever applied to welfare in Latin.

Women have a unique way of looking at things. For instance, if the world were coming to an end on Wednesday—on Tuesday two places would be packed: churches and beauty parlors.

I think every woman has this fantasy: that she'll come out of a beauty parlor and have to be introduced to her husband.

It's ridiculous! What do you say to a wife who insists she's a natural bluehead?

When it comes to misplaced priorities, what about women? My wife spends two hours a day teasing her hair and five minutes a week teasing me.

I'm just amazed at all the women who wear curlers in their hair-when watching the Eleven O'clock News alone would do it!

You don't know what fear is until you've shared a double bed with a wife who wears curlers in her hair! I wake up the next day and my face looks like a Band-Aid farm!

I've noticed an interesting thing about women—the more they worry, the blonder they get!

They say long hair makes you look intellectual. Not when your wife picks one off your collar!

You know when I gave up wearing long hair? The day two women followed me into a men's room!

My son has one of those haircuts that cover his eyes, ears, nose, and neck. If the barber is busy, we take him to the vet!

My kid has so much hair, three times we had to let out his beanie!

The new hairstyles always look like they were inspired by someone with two feet on the ground and one finger in a light socket.

I know a fella—his sideburns are so long and so thick and so bushy, it's embarrassing. People keep going up and whispering in his nose!
I go to one of those cut-rate barbershops. The manicurist doesn't trim your nails. She bites them!

Pretty soon strange people wearing masks will be coming into your house, and it's known as Halloween. In my neighborhood it's known as Monday—or Tuesday—or Wednesday—or …

New York is probably the worst place in the country for Halloween. Kids ring the doorbell and by the time you look through the peephole, open the three locks, slide back the bolt, unhook the chain, disconnect the burglar alarm, and leash the German shepherd—it's Christmas.

The symbol of Halloween is the jack-o'-lantern—a head with nothing inside. Some of us make them and some of us vote for them.

There are all kinds of ways to scare people on Halloween. My neighbor has eight kids. If you want to scare him all you have to do is knock on his door and deliver something—pickles and ice cream.

This Halloween my eight-year-old knocked on the door and held up something that really scared me—his Christmas list.

My accountant has an interesting theory about Halloween. He said, “If you really want to scare somebody, put on a black suit, knock on the door, and say three words.” I said, “Trick or treat?” He said, “Internal Revenue Service.”

This year we're going to have an ecological Halloween.

We're going to fill a tub with oil and bob for water.

And Halloween is different everywhere you go. One time I spent Halloween in Texas and a little kid knocked on the door. I said, “Do you have change for a dollar?” He said, “Mister, in Texas a dollar is change!”

Have you ever taken a good look at what kids are given to eat on Halloween? There's licorice sticks, marshmallows, candy bars, apples, bubble gum, popcorn, saltwater taffy, sugar-coated peanuts, lollipops, jawbreakers, peppermint sticks, potato chips, fudge, jelly doughnuts,
raisin cookies, and chocolate layer cake. All you have to do is look at it and you'll know what made Wyatt Earp!

You know you're overworked when you start arguing with recorded messages.

If medical science has made so much progress, why do I feel so much worse than I did twenty years ago?

When it comes to physiques, I don't have to take a back seat to anyone. Take it? I can hardly lift it!

Did you ever get the feeling on your forty-fifth birthday that your warranty is running out?

It goes back to my childhood. Even then I was weak. You've heard of support stockings? I had a support diaper!

You know you're over the hill when you don't look at
Playboy
because holding open that center page aggravates your arthritis.

I don't know if copper bracelets cure arthritis, but it's just amazing the way diamond bracelets cure ugliness.

She always gives you the impression of eternal youth and it's all because of something she puts behind her ears—tucks!

I just had my annual physical and the doctor says I'm as sound as a dollar. But he thinks I'll recover.

Girls look on me as the strong, silent type. That's because I can't talk and hold in my stomach at the same time.

I have a lot of health problems. For instance, I don't take out the garbage—bad back. I don't mow the lawn—bad back. I don't carry in the groceries—bad back. We don't even have any children—[
NOD
].

I sure hope Linus Pauling is right. I've been taking so much vitamin C—yesterday I broke out in grapefruit!

I finally figured out why they call it health food. To survive this food, you have to be in perfect health.

I met a fella I haven't seen for twenty years and I said, “How have you been?” He said, “Not so good. I have emphysema, hardening of the arteries, ulcers, bleeding gums, water on the knee, arthritis, gout, a floating kidney, and high blood pressure.” I said, “That's terrible. What are you doing for a living now?” He said, “Same old thing-selling health food.”

Have you ever noticed the people who go into these health food stores? They all look like comparison shoppers for Forest Lawn.

I went into one of those natural food restaurants and it was really great. Everything looks so healthy. It's the first time I ever saw a roach with a tan!

Organic restaurants are where they add nothing to the food and 50 percent to the prices.

I don't mind telling you, I'm a little suspicious of this restaurant. They claim they never use frozen food. So how come the chef wears mittens?

Do you realize what a crazy world we're living in? Everything today is artificial preservatives. Nowadays we have bread that lasts and marriages that don't.

It's been such a pleasure talking to you, I'd like to invite you to spend the weekend at our summer place—if you don't mind sleeping in the cellar. One more thing—it's a houseboat.

I need you like Rip Van Winkle needed Sominex.

Sir, I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

Sir, about your last remark—and I hope it was.

I have an idea. Let's all get down on our knees and look for your IQ!