2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (22 page)

I just got a phone call from my wife. She said, “On your way home, stop in the store and pick up a package of Cheer.” I said, “Procter & Gamble's or Seagram's?”

It's always dangerous to send a husband shopping. Like, who else would take advantage of a special on twenty-five pounds of pepper?

You know what bugs me about department stores? They advertise a carload sale, and no matter how early you get there, nothing is left. I think the car they load is a Volkswagen.

This is an age of specialization. One store sells nothing but chairs, couches, and cushions. It's a headquarters for hindquarters!

You don't know what fear is until you see your wife pushing a shopping cart—through Tiffany's.

My wife loves bargains. Last week she bought me long winter underwear that was irregular—no flap in the back. But it's all right. Fortunately, I'm irregular too!

It's amazing the things people will buy providing they're on sale. For instance, you've heard of electric blankets? Ours is a windup!

Remember when you went into a store, ordered the most expensive item, and said, “The best is none too good”? Now you can say that about almost anything.

I haven't heard from my agent in so long, I'm getting worried. Either he died or I did.

I don't want to say anything about my agent, but sometimes I get the feeling he couldn't book the Pope on Sermonette!

Two agents were discussing a comedienne who got married. One agent asked, “What did she do for something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue?” The other agent said, “Her act.”

I'm just fascinated by male singers who always have to take off their ties and open their shirts. Tell me, why can't they buy clothes that fit?

I once heard a singer who was so bad, they booked him in Off Key West.

I've always wanted to go up to Marcel Marceau and say, “Ve haf vays to make you talk!”

I just heard a sad story. This girl always wanted to be a ballerina but she had one great handicap—she had a wooden leg. But she wouldn't let this stop her. She studied and trained and practiced and rehearsed—and after ten years she was ready to make her debut with the Royal Ballet. The curtain went up, she tiptoed to center stage, did a fantastic pirouette on her wooden leg—and burned the theater down!

Show me a shoplifted girdle and I'll show you a tax-free foundation.

Show me Mordecai Tupper checking into a motel with Prunella Ware and I'll show you a Tupper-Ware party!

Show me a person who reaches out to his fellow human being—and I'll show you a purse snatcher!

Show me a fella who hasn't memorized his speech and I'll show you the Wizard of Uhs.

Skiing has brought joy and happiness and a sense of well-being to hundreds of thousands of people. There is even a name for these people—doctors!

You think I'm kidding? If there was no such thing as skiing, doctors would have invented it!

One of the first things they teach you when skiing is, always keep your knees together. It gives you balance and control, and when you hit something, they don't have to look as far for your shoes.

I was in a class and the girl next to me was having a terrible time—standing
and falling, standing and falling. But she wouldn't give up. She said, “I'm gonna stand on my skis or bust!” The instructor said, “Don't be ridiculous. Just stand on your skis!”

Every time I go to a ski resort I have the same thought: What a great name for a training bra—
BEGINNER'S SLOPE
!

I come from a town that's so small, the zip code is a fraction.

It's a very small town. You know how some towns have a godfather? We couldn't afford a godfather. We had a second cousin.

It's the kind of town where the Sunday paper could be delivered by carrier pigeon.

It's a quiet town. If we wanted to have some excitement we'd go down to the hospital and watch them rip off Band-Aids.

This town is so square, a playboy is anyone who stays up to see the eleven o'clock news!

And it was a very poor town. You know how some communities have public washrooms? We had pay bushes!

You would have loved this town. If it wasn't for bowling, there wouldn't have been any culture at all.

I come from a town that believes in law and order. You know how some towns have a cannon in the courthouse square? We had a subpoena!

I'll tell you how bad the smog is. I know a six-year-old kid who doesn't believe in three things—Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the sun.

Remember when
Lost Horizon
was a movie? Now it's Los Angeles during a smog alert.

Smog is so bad, this morning I thought I saw a blue jay. It wasn't. It was a cardinal holding its breath.

You know smog is getting to be a problem when a fireman is treated for smoke inhalation—and it's his day off!

Pollution is definitely getting worse. This morning I had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an air conditioner.

They keep saying the smog situation is getting better but I'm not so sure. Look at Los Angeles. Where else can you find indelible skywriting?

You've heard of “My Sin”? Now there's a perfume that smells like smog. It's called “Our Sin.”

You know something's wrong with the air when your tires start wearing out from the inside.

The smog is so bad in this city, it's ridiculous. Yesterday they caught two people sucking the air out of Canadian tires!

The woman next door really tells it like it is. Yesterday I heard her yelling, “Junior! Don't stand outside. You'll get your lungs all dirty!”

But have you noticed how nobody ever talks about the good side of smog? Do you realize if it wasn't for coughing, some people wouldn't get any exercise at all?

What can you really say about people who smoke three packs a day? They have a heart of gold and fingers to match.

The nice part about smoking three packs a day is, you don't have to worry so much about eating mushrooms.

Actually, smoking and sex have a lot in common. They both give you something to do with your hands.

They now claim that smoking causes wrinkles. So does army coffee.

I quit smoking cold turkey, and you know why? You ever try to keep a cold turkey lit?

Have you heard about the new two-step method to cure yourself of smoking in bed? (1) Buy a water mattress. (2) Fill it with gasoline.

I owe a lot to smoking. Thanks to smoking, I now puff on cigarettes, cigars, pipes, and stairs.

Misery is being a smoker—and being chased by a mugger who isn't.

I just saw the abominable snowman. It was a kid who charged me ten dollars to shovel the walk.

That's what kids are charging these days. I call them the Mittens Mafia.

I think this kid was even mentioned in the Bible. It says, “And a little child shall bleed them.”

Ten dollars to clear a walk and he's really in demand. I know I called him. You should have heard what I called him!

You know something? When I was a kid, if I had charged someone ten dollars to clear off their walk, I would have wiped my fingerprints off the shovel!

I have to be honest. I can't stand to see my wife shoveling snow. I pull down the shades.

I would have asked my brother-in-law to shovel the snow but, in all fairness, he does have a medical problem—his elbow. He can't get it off the bar.

Once upon a time a middle-aged father sat in his living room and outside it began to snow and snow and snow. Then his big, strong teenage son came into the living room and said, “Gee, Dad, it's beginning to snow and snow and snow!” Whereupon he called up his girl friend, canceled their date for that evening, and without ever being asked, he shoveled all the snow off the driveway, the sidewalk, and the path to the front door. Once upon a time.

Everybody on our street has a snow blower. It's fantastic. We have snow that fell three weeks ago and it still hasn't hit the ground!

Incidentally, do you know the difference between a snow blower and [
NAME OF CANDIDATE
]? [
NAME OF CANDIDATE
] throws it all year round.

This should be an interesting winter. My neighbor and I have parallel driveways—and we both bought snow blowers.

I really don't know much about TV soap operas. To me, “The Secret Storm” is ulcers.

I love those titles—“Search for Tomorrow”! I didn't even know it was missing. Quick, somebody call God!

My wife watches so many soap operas, our picture tube doesn't have snow—it has suds!

My wife loves soap operas. She saves her ironing for them. Every time I smell burnt cloth, I know someone's been either hatched, matched, or dispatched!

Soap operas are marvelous. One show is about an alcoholic, a murderer, a two-timing husband, an embezzler, a teenager on drugs, an unfaithful wife, a child molester, and an unmarried mother. You know what it's called? “Just Plain Folks”!

I won't say what goes on in these stories, but when I change channels, I wear rubber gloves.

They say these soap operas are true to life, which is ridiculous. When did you ever have a thirty-minute argument with your wife that ended with organ music?

But you really get involved. I was watching one today and a father said, “You mean our little Sissie—our sweet, innocent, sheltered, unspoiled daughter—is expecting a baby? Who do you suspect?” Well, I've seen Sissie and I'll tell you who I suspect—the 43rd Armored Cavalry!

And the way these stories drag on. I saw one woman take eleven months to have a premature baby!

I know a soap opera writer who has a terrible problem. His wife said, “Take out the garbage”—and he hasn't sold a script since!

Is there anything more embarrassing than two forty-nine-year-old women meeting in a Social Security office?

Have you seen the estimates of what we'll be paying for Social Security in the future? Congress thinks of everything. Not only does the government take care of you in your old age—but it makes you reach it a lot faster.

My neighbor's a real conservative. He says the only Social Security he ever needed was a diaper.

I have a son who needs orthodonture, his tonsils taken out, glasses, and orthopedic shoes. It's like I told my wife, “This is the last kid we take ‘as is'!”

What's more, he's a hypochondriac. Five times a day I have to tell him there is no such thing as terminal acne!

Kids today have it made. My kid has his own room, his own TV, his own stereo, his own library, his own refrigerator. When he wants to run away from home he doesn't pack a suitcase, he calls Allied!

My kids are always on the defensive. One morning I shook my ten-year-old and said, “Wake up. I want to show you something.” He said, “What?” I said, “The break of day.” He said, “I wasn't near it!”

Have you noticed how kids are always complaining? To a five-year-old, nothing is ever right. He's like Ralph Nader with a runny nose!

I was telling my boss about the upsetting thing that happened at our house today. The dogcatcher got Rex. He said, “Rex is your dog?” I said, “Rex is our son.”

There's something unnerving about a kid with a Daniel Boone haircut,
a Mark Twain mustache, and an Abe Lincoln beard telling you he's rejecting the past.

I have a fourteen-year-old son who has so much hair, I don't know whether to call him Melvin or Rapunzel.

I'll tell you how long my son's hair is. It's been three years since we bought him a haircut, a tie, or jockey shorts.

My wife gets so sentimental about our teenager. Last week she went out and bronzed his parole.

I don't want to brag about my kids but my son is a four-letter student in high school and it's going to save me a fortune in college. The four letters are D-U-M-B and he isn't going!

Kids today are very concerned about ecology. Yesterday my teenager said, “We have to do something about cleaning up the environment!” I said, “Great! Let's start with your room!”

You should see his room—and he won't let anyone touch it. He says, “Leave it alone. I know where everything is.” And he does. It's on the floor!

You've never seen such a mess. One time we brought in a vacuum cleaner and it threw up!

My wife keeps worrying about cockroaches. I said, “Cockroaches? You think a cockroach would go in there? Never in the history of the world has there been a kamikaze cockroach!”

One time I got so fed up, I gave him five dollars and said, “Here! Take this and I don't ever want to see a mess like this again!” So he took the five dollars and I have never seen a mess like that again. He bought a lock for the door!

People who are called upon to make their first public speech—writhe to the occasion.

What a great slogan for a German public-speaking school:
WE HAVE WAYS TO MAKE YOU TALK
!

___________ isn't the most dynamic speaker in the world. I heard one of his talks. It was halfway between tax reform and chloroform.

Most public speakers know the precise moment their audience loses interest. It's twenty-five minutes before they stop.

If you're a speaker, the communication gap is half your audience yawning.

I didn't say he gives a deadly talk. I just said he's the only man I know who has a black belt for speaking.

He couldn't get a standing ovation if he closed with “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

The credibility gap is when the moderator says it will be a very short commencement speech—and then Howard Cosell gets up to give it.

Some speeches are like broiled lobster. You have to pick through an awful lot to find any meat.

I have a very sobering statement to make. The bar closes in fifteen minutes.