A Hopeful Heart (14 page)

A
manda sat on the backless bench between Nancy and Lillian during the hymn singing
later that evening. The benches were set up in Nancy’s family’s barn with the young
men on one side of the room and the young women on the other. Amanda glanced across
the barn and spotted Leroy King staring at them. She elbowed her sister in the ribs.

“Ouch!” Lillian leaned closer to Amanda. “What was that for?”

“Guess who’s watching you?” Amanda waggled her eyebrows. “I think someone likes you.”

“Who?”

“Leroy King.” Amanda nodded in the direction of the young men. “He’s been staring
at you.”

Lillian looked toward the young men and then buried her face in the hymnal. “I can’t
believe he’s watching me.”

“Looks like your feelings are mutual,
ya
?” Amanda smiled.

“You think so?” Lillian’s eyes were round, making her seem younger.

“
Ya
, I do.” Amanda was used to her sister appearing to be determined and certain of herself.
She must really like him!

Nancy leaned over and raised her eyebrows. “What are you two whispering about?”

“Leroy King is watching Lillian.” Amanda nodded toward the young men. “I think he
likes her.”

Nancy looked toward the other side of the barn. “Interesting. He’s watching her now.”

Lillian glowered. “Will you two stop being so obvious?”

“Shh!” Someone hissed a few rows in front of them.

Amanda scanned the rows of young men across the barn and found Manny Kauffman looking
in the direction of Nancy. “Manny is watching you too. I think you and
mei schweschder
both have admirers.”

“
Ach
, I see him. I think you may be right. I was hoping the smile he gave me earlier was
special.” Nancy continued to lean into Amanda. “We need to find someone for you now.”

“Don’t be
gegisch.
” Amanda shrugged. “I’m fine by myself.”

“You’re the one being
gegisch.
There’s someone here for you. You’re just not looking.” Nancy smiled.

Amanda had been contemplating the conversation she shared with Mike and wondering
what it would be like to get her GED. Was she intelligent enough to pass the test?
And if she passed, could she get into college? She doubted she could afford to go
to college, but she could find out what it took to obtain a scholarship. And what
would she study if she went to college, besides what would be necessary to become
a vet? The possibilities seemed endless!

She longed to borrow a study guide from the library just to look at it, but she thought
her
mamm
would never understand her curiosity. And she knew Lily wouldn’t since she already
seemed set in her ways and satisfied with the Amish lifestyle.
Amanda, however, couldn’t stop the questions from swirling in her mind.

Amanda looked toward the opposite side of the barn and spotted Leroy as he got up
and headed toward the exit. He turned back toward them before he left.

Lillian stood. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” She quickly weaved through the row
of young women and then slipped out the door.

“Where’s she going?” Nancy asked.

“I think she’s going to meet Leroy. I saw him leave just before she did.”

Nancy grinned. “
Gut
for her.”

“
Ya.
” Amanda stared down at the hymnal.

Lillian’s heart pounded in her chest as she made her way through the barn door to
where Leroy stood waiting for her. She touched her prayer covering and pushed the
ribbons past her shoulders. “Hi, Leroy.”

“Hi.” He nodded toward a grassy area located past a second barn. “Want to go for a
walk?”

“
Ya.
” Lillian gripped her sleeves as she fell into step with Leroy. “It’s a nice evening,
ya
?”

“It is.” When they reached the grassy area, he stopped and motioned toward the ground.
“Want to sit?”

“
Ya.
” Lillian sank onto the cool grass and smoothed her dress over her legs. The sky above
her was streaked with orange, yellow, and red. “Look at that sunset. Isn’t it
schee
?”

“
Ya
, it is.” He smiled at her.

She silently admired his brown eyes and hair. She lost herself in the moment, and
the confusion about her conversation with Elizabeth Beiler disappeared. She turned
her eyes toward the pond and studied the dark water while she wondered how she’d handle
the situation with the school. She wanted the teaching job more than anything, but
she didn’t know how to talk to her
mamm
about the community’s perception of her. How could she bring herself to tell her
mamm
what Elizabeth had said without upsetting her?

“You seem distracted tonight. Is something wrong?” Leroy’s question broke through
her thoughts.

She picked up a smooth stone and rolled it between her fingers while she contemplated
telling him what was on her mind. She longed to share with him what Elizabeth Beiler
had said, but she worried he’d look down on her and not want to be her friend anymore.

“You don’t have to tell me, Lily. I’ll understand if it’s too personal.”

“No, I’ll tell you.” Lillian cleared her throat. “I talked to Elizabeth Beiler earlier
after the church service. She’s married to a member of the school board.”

He nodded. “I know.”

She picked up another stone. “I wanted to find out how I can put my name in the running
for a full-time teaching position.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Did Stephen finally ask Mattie to marry him?”

“
Ya
, he did. But please don’t tell anyone. I’m not supposed to tell. Mattie told me a
few days ago.” She tossed the stones and then wiped her palms together. “It’s always
been my dream to be the full-time teacher.”

“That’s great.”

She frowned. “I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

“Why not? Have they already found another teacher?”

“No. I wish it were that simple.”

“I’m sorry, Lily, but I’m not following you. What happened?” He bent his knees and
folded his arms over them.

“Elizabeth said that although I’m a
gut
teacher’s assistant, I probably won’t be considered for the full-time job because
the community is concerned about
mei mamm’s
behavior.” She sniffed as her eyes filled with tears. “I’m so upset, and I’m also
confused. I don’t understand why the community is concerned about
mei mamm.
What could she possibly have done? She’s doing her best to take care of my siblings
and me.”

Leroy grimaced, which caused Lillian to become suspicious.

She angled her body toward him. “Leroy, do you know something about it?”

He shrugged and looked toward the meadow. “I don’t know.”

“Leroy.” She faced him. “If you know something, you have to tell me. I can’t fix the
problem if I don’t know what it is.”

He looked down at his lap. “All I know is what I’ve heard, but I don’t know if it’s
true.”

“What is it?” She folded her hands as if to plead with him. “Please tell me. You don’t
have to tell me who said it, but I need to know what it is so I can clear
mei mamm’s
name and clean up this mess before it gets worse.”

He frowned at her. “A rumor is going around that your
mamm
is having a relationship with an
Englisher.
”

Lillian’s mouth fell open in shock. How had the community found out about what happened
on Wednesday? She then gasped when she realized her
mammi
had witnessed the scene.
Is
Mammi
spreading the rumor about
Mamm? “Do you know who’s spreading the rumor?” She wanted to know after all.

“I don’t know.” He paused and then shook his head. “
Mei
bruder
Daniel said he saw your
mamm
hugging the
Englisher
, but I’m the only person he told.”

“Are you certain he didn’t tell anyone else?”

Leroy nodded. “He’s afraid he’ll lose his job at your place if the word gets around.
He likes the job and the salary, so he’s worried my parents will make him quit. He
told me last night after he found out the rumor was spreading through the community.”

Lillian ran her hand over her face while the severity of the situation gripped her.
“It must’ve been
mei mammi
who told everyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was there beside me when it happened.”

Leroy’s eyes widened. “You witnessed it too?”

“
Ya.
” Lillian explained what had happened. She told him that Andrew was injured, Mr. Peterson
had brought her mother home, and they hugged before he left. She also shared the conversation
she’d had with her mother later that evening.

He shook his head. “I know Daniel didn’t tell anyone what he saw because he doesn’t
want to lose his job, but the word has spread quickly. I don’t mean to be disrespectful,
but people are frowning on your
mamm’s
behavior.”

“I think it was
mei mammi
who started the rumors.” Lillian wished she could stop the tears from streaming down
her hot cheeks, but she couldn’t. “I’m so upset and confused.
Mei mamm
says Mr. Peterson is only her
freind
, but she looks at him as if she feels more than friendship for him. Now that rumors
are
spreading, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to upset
mei mamm
, but if I don’t say anything, it will only get worse.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Leroy scowled. “I wish I could help you, but
it seems like this is something only your
mamm
can fix.”

Lillian sniffed and wiped her eyes. “You’re right.
Mei mamm
has to fix it.”

“I think your
mamm
would want to know what people are saying about her. Then she’ll have to decide what
to do. Maybe she needs to talk to the bishop and ask for his help clearing her name.”

They both were silent for a moment.

He turned his gaze toward the sunset in the west. “Look at those colors. Aren’t they
spectacular?”

She looked up at the sky, which was a mosaic of bright colors that seemed to mock
her glum mood. “
Ya
, they are.”

She glanced over at him and swallowed a frown. If the rumors continued and the members
of the community turned their backs on her
mamm
, she might lose a chance at being Leroy’s girlfriend. She had to find a way to make
things right. Her job and her relationship with Leroy depended on it.

L
ater that evening, Amanda climbed out of the buggy behind Lillian. They stood at the
bottom of the rock driveway leading to their house.

Amanda waved at Nancy and her brother, Joe, in the driver’s seat. “
Danki
for the ride! See you tomorrow, Nancy.”

“
Danki
,” Lillian called before they started up the long driveway.

Amanda grinned at her. She’d wanted to find out about Lillian’s private conversation
with Leroy, but she didn’t want to ask in front of Nancy and Joe during the ride home
and embarrass her.

“Is there a reason you insisted on having Joe drop us off here?” She bumped Lillian
with her hip. “Did you want to talk to me in private and tell me about your conversation
with Leroy?”

“I do want to talk to you in private, but it isn’t really about Leroy.”

When her twin frowned, Amanda stopped and faced her. “Is something wrong, Lily?”

Lillian nodded. “
Ya.
”

Amanda’s eyes widened as Lillian shared the painful conversation she’d had with Elizabeth
Beiler. “Why did she say there are concerns about
Mamm
?”

“Leroy told me why.” Lillian took a deep breath. “
Mamm
hugged Mr. Peterson Wednesday after he brought her home when Andrew was injured.
The rumor is now going around the community that
Mamm
is having an inappropriate relationship with an
Englisher.
”

“You’re joking, right?” Amanda tried to laugh, but her sister’s bleak expression told
her it was no laughing matter. “I can’t believe it. This is outrageous, Lily.” She
shook her head. “I had no idea
Mamm
had hugged Mr. Peterson. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I should’ve told you, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It was too
confusing and painful. I talked to
Mamm
about it, and I hoped Mr. Peterson would just go away. I wanted to forget the whole
scene and everything
Mammi
had said to me about him.”

“Are you certain
Mammi
is the one spreading the rumors? I don’t understand why she would do that. We’re
all family.”

Lillian grimaced. “I don’t think
Mammi
ever thought
Mamm
was
gut
enough for
Dat
, and I guess she wants to hurt her.”

“But that goes against everything we’ve been taught since we were little. We’re supposed
to love and support each other, and she’s hurting
Mamm
and us.” Amanda gestured widely with her arms. “You’re watching your dreams disappear
because of what
Mammi
is saying about our
mamm.
” She kicked a stone with the toe of her black sneaker. The irony of the situation
caused frustration to surge through her. If her
mammi
was spreading rumors about her
mamm
, she was committing a sin. Her
mamm
wasn’t sinning by being friends with someone outside of their community, but people
were acting as if it were a sin. How was this fair?

Lillian began to walk toward the house with her expression full of determination.
“I’m so upset. I have to tell
Mamm
about the rumors. This has to stop.”

Amanda fell into step beside her, their feet crunching their way up the rock driveway.
“Maybe she can talk to the school board and help you get the job or something.” She
felt like she was clutching at vague possibilities. She knew her
mamm
would probably have to apologize to the church body to stop the rumor mill, but she
didn’t want to see her humiliated for having a friend.

“That’s a
gut
idea. I’ll ask her to help me get the job.” Lillian stopped at the bottom porch step
and her expression was full of anger. “I don’t understand why
Mamm
hugged Mr. Peterson. She had to have known there would be consequences. If she hadn’t
hugged him, I would have a chance at getting the teaching job, and everything would
be just fine. I don’t understand why she did this to us.”

Amanda studied her sister’s smoldering green eyes. “I’m certain
Mamm
didn’t mean to cause all of this. I believe the hug was innocent. She was probably
upset about Andrew, and she needed a hug.”

Lillian shook her head. “I don’t know, Amanda. I’m starting to wonder if
Mammi
was right. Maybe
Mamm
loves Mr. Peterson and she wants to be with him.”

Amanda shook her head and touched her sister’s arm. “You know you don’t mean that.
Give
Mamm
the benefit of the doubt. Mr. Peterson is her friend.”

Lillian shook her head. “I’m trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt,
but I’m really upset right now. I was humiliated after I talked to Elizabeth Beiler.”

“I’m sure you were, but just calm down a minute.” Amanda paused and wondered if her
sister ever dreamed of having more opportunities beyond their community. “Lily, I
need to ask you something before we go inside.”

“What?”

“Everyone is so critical of
Mamm
having an
English freind
, but don’t you ever wonder what it’s like to be
English
? I mean, do you ever even have a little, tiny fleeting thought about it?”

Lillian blinked and then scrunched her nose as if she were disgusted. “No. Why would
I?”

“You want to be the teacher, right?”

Lillian studied Amanda. “You already know the answer to that.”

“Wouldn’t you love to be even more educated than you are before you start teaching
the scholars? Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to go to college?”

Lillian’s eyes widened. “You’re scaring me.”

“I’m talking hypothetically.” Amanda wished she could take back everything she’d said.
She’d hoped her sister might understand her curiosity, but Lillian’s shocked expression
said something different. “Never mind. Forget I said anything at all.” She started
up the steps.

“Wait.” Lillian grabbed Amanda’s arm. “Are you thinking of leaving the community and
going to college?”

“No. I’m only curious, and I was wondering if you were too. There’s a whole big world
out there, and sometimes I wonder about it.”

Lillian’s eyes remained wide. “I’ve never considered leaving. I know what I want.
I want to be the full-time teacher. I want to be baptized, and I want to marry an
Amish man.” She pointed toward the ground. “I want to raise a family right here in
Paradise. I hope to stay in this church district with the people I’ve known my whole
life.”

Amanda nodded.
I wish I could say the same.

Lillian raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to speak, but the back door opening
interrupted her.

Amanda swallowed the breath she was holding. She was thankful Lillian didn’t have
the opportunity to ask her what she wanted out of life because she knew Lillian would
never comprehend her desire to go to college and become a veterinarian.

“
Maed?
”
Mamm
stepped out onto the porch. “Why are you standing out here? Come in.”

Amanda followed her sister into the house and prayed the Lord would guide their words
as they spoke to their
mamm.

Lillian stepped into the kitchen and took a deep breath. “
Mamm
, we need to talk.”

“
Ach
.”
Mamm
frowned. “From the look on your face, it must be serious.”

“It is.” Lillian motioned toward the table. “Would it be okay if we sat for a few
minutes?”

“Of course.”
Mamm
sat in a chair on one side of the table, and the twins sat across from her. “Did
something happen tonight?”

Lillian glanced at Amanda and wished her sister would start the conversation. She
didn’t know where to begin.

“Do you want me to start?” Amanda offered.

“No.” Lillian sat up straighter. “I can do this.” She cleared her throat. “I took
your advice and spoke to Elizabeth Beiler after the service.”

Her mother smiled. “How did it go?”

“Not well at all. She told me I most likely wouldn’t be considered for the position,
even though I’m a
gut
assistant.” Lillian shook her head. “She said there were concerns about you.”

Her mother looked back and forth between the sisters. “What concerns do people have
about me?”

“Leroy King and I talked tonight at the singing, and he said he knew why Elizabeth
said that.” Lillian’s lip began to tremble with a mixture of disappointment and anger.
“There are rumors spreading about you and Mr. Peterson. Apparently someone has told
folks about how you hugged him on Wednesday when Andrew was injured.”

“Oh, dear.”
Mamm
shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She paused. “I don’t know why anyone would do this.”

Lillian felt her expression harden. “Leroy said Daniel saw you hug Mr. Peterson, but
he didn’t tell anyone since he’s afraid of losing his job here. I can only imagine
it was
Mammi
who told people about it. I don’t know if
Onkel
Josh saw it.”

“I’m so sorry, Lily.”
Mamm
leaned over to touch Lillian’s hand, but she pulled it out of reach. Her mother looked
hurt, but she continued speaking. “I never meant to hurt you or your siblings.”

“Why did you hug him?” Amanda asked.

She touched Amanda’s hand. “I was upset and worried about Andrew. I never thought
I would lose your
dat
, but now I find myself worrying I will lose the rest of you too. I needed a friend,
and Trey was there. But I never intended to hurt any of you. You know that, right?”

Lillian shook her head. “If you never meant to hurt us, then why did you hug him in
public,
Mamm
? This has really made a mess for me, and I don’t know what to do. What if I can’t
work in the school anymore because of what people are saying? That’s my dream, and
I may have lost it now.”

Mamm
blew out a deep breath. “I said I’m sorry, Lily. I would never deliberately hurt
you or the rest of the family.” She paused and then shook her head. “I’ll make it
right for you. I’ll talk to the bishop. I’ll tell him I made a mistake, and I’ll confess
in front of the congregation if I have to.”

“No.” Amanda’s word was strong and loud, causing Hannah to blanch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to say it with such force, but I think this is ridiculous.”

“What do you mean?” Lillian studied her sister.
Why is Amanda acting so
narrisch
tonight?

“I don’t think
Mamm
has done anything wrong. She was upset, and she hugged Mr. Peterson. That’s all she
did.” Amanda tapped the table as she spoke. “But if
Mammi
is the one who is spreading rumors, she’s committing a sin. Yet
Mammi
isn’t in any trouble while the whole community is picking
Mamm
apart and Lillian isn’t allowed to be a teacher. Why doesn’t anyone see the irony
here?”

Lillian glared at her sister. “We’ve already discussed this, Amanda. These are the
rules we live by.”

“Sometimes I think the rules are wrong.” Amanda slumped in the chair and folded her
arms.

Lillian stared at her. “What’s going on with you? You’ve never been this outspoken
before, and you’ve never questioned our beliefs.”

Amanda studied the tabletop.

Lillian looked at her mother, who shrugged in response.

“Lily,”
Mamm
began, “I’ll talk to the bishop and get this all cleared up.”

“Don’t do it.” Amanda looked up, her eyes full of determination. “Everyone will forget
about it eventually. There’s no reason for you to talk to the bishop and draw more
attention to yourself.”

Their mother looked back and forth between her daughters. “I’ll do whatever Lillian
wants me to do.”

Lillian considered her sister’s words. “Fine. Don’t talk to the bishop yet. Let’s
wait a few weeks and see what happens. I can always apply for a teaching job in another
community too. It’s only May.”

“That sounds
gut.
”
Mamm
stood. “We’d better head to bed. Work comes early in the morning.”

They said good night, and then Lillian followed her sister up to their room, where
they changed and then climbed into bed. Lillian couldn’t stop thinking about how different
Amanda seemed. She’d never before heard her sister talking about leaving the Amish
community or getting more schooling. What had happened to her twin?

“Amanda?” she whispered through the dark. “Are you still awake?”

“
Ya.
”

“Is everything all right?”

“I’m fine. Why?”

Lillian rolled over and faced her sister. “You just seem different.”

“I do?”

“You never used to question our rules before. Did something happen to you?”

“No, nothing has happened. I guess I’m just seeing the world differently lately. I
don’t think the way we live is wrong, but I also don’t think it’s the only right way
to live.”

Lillian contemplated Amanda’s words for a moment. Although they made sense, they seemed
unusual for Amanda.

“Lily, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just doing a lot of thinking.” She paused, and
her voice softened. “I don’t think I’m ready to be baptized.”

“It’s okay.” Lillian touched her sister’s arm. “You don’t have to rush into it.
Mamm
always said we shouldn’t be baptized until we’re certain.”

“I hope you’re not disappointed in me, but I need more time.” Amanda yawned through
the dark. “Get some sleep. Everything will be okay. I promise.”

“
Gut
nacht.
” Lillian stared up toward the dark ceiling and watched the shadows transform into
strange shapes.

Amanda’s breathing altered to a slow and steady pattern, and soon she was snoring
quietly from her side of the bed. Lillian listened to her breathing and wondered how
life could change so quickly. It seemed as if only last month she was happy working
as the assistant teacher and admiring Leroy King from afar. Now her mother was the
subject of community rumors, her sister was wondering about college, and Leroy King
was spending time talking to her alone. How could everything be so wonderful and so
confusing all at the same time?