A Life That Fits (24 page)

"I don't want you working with him any
more."

I blinked. "I just got that job and you want
me to leave?"

"Change duties with Wendy or something."

I had to laugh. "I doubt she'd want to switch
her job to make you happy. Or me, for that matter." She and I were
civil at work but nothing more. I saw the pain in her eyes when she
saw me and I'd done my best to stay away to avoid causing her that
pain.

"I want you to ask. I don't want you seeing
him."

My poor stomach, still suffering the ongoing
nausea, tightened, but this time I knew why. Orchestra rehearsal
had been all about 'we', but I didn't think Alex had said anything
but 'I' the whole time we'd been talking. We, he and me, were not a
team any more, and I wasn't sure we'd ever really be one again.

I didn't help the cause much by saying,
"That's not up to you. I won't be changing jobs, and I will be
working with Loren daily." We'd become more relaxed with each other
again but our friendship wasn't the same. I kept that to myself,
knowing Alex would never sympathize. That it hurt me to see Loren
daily, to know he liked me and I liked him and we couldn't do
anything about it, I also kept to myself.

Alex shook his head. "I guess work's more
important to you than we are."

There was that 'we' he hadn't said before.
Funny how unsatisfying it was now.

After the two most awkward and uncomfortable
weeks of my life had passed, I entered Loren's house for the first
time.

"I'm sorry," he said for at least the tenth
time that day. "I know it's weird coming here."

No weirder than everything else.

Alex and I were still together, swinging
between fights and brief moments that reminded me of why I'd loved
him so much for so long, like when he brought me roses to celebrate
the anniversary of the day we'd first made love so many years ago.
He knew me better than anyone else on the planet, and I liked being
known that well.

But those moments were fleeting; after giving
me the roses he said, "So we can have sex now, right?" and I'd
refused and eventually ended up leaving the apartment because I
couldn't bear to be near someone who couldn't understand why I
wasn't exactly in the mood yet.

He seemed to expect to return to our old 'sit
on the couch every night and watch TV' routine and I simply didn't
want to, and he made it clear how disappointed he was and how
little he liked what I was doing now. Our nearly constant bickering
had my stomach in a perpetual knot. The time I spent at musical
theater rehearsals and costume-making parties and set painting
sessions annoyed him, my crocheting had been dismissed as 'old
woman stuff', and he'd even made a few veiled comments about
Harrison finding a new home.

I'd shut those down immediately, but hadn't
been able to do the same with his cracks about my bellydancing.
We'd had several arguments about the 'skankiness' of it, and though
I'd tried to explain the elegance of Nadia's movements, how they
were sensual without being sexual or slutty, and how challenging a
dance form it was to master, he wouldn't listen and persisted in
calling it my 'dirty dancing class'.

Of all the things he hated about who I'd
become, my job seemed to top the list. His jabs at Loren and poor
Wendy infuriated me. We still fought regularly about my refusal to
leave Loren in the lurch, and I missed Wendy so much. I hadn't
realized how often we spent a few moments chatting until all those
moments were taken away, and I hated knowing that she was still
miserable about losing Alex.

When I caught myself thinking, as I walked
into Loren's house, that I wouldn't be miserable this time if Alex
left me again, I hated that too.

To Loren, I said, "I appreciate you putting
in this overtime with me."

He closed the door behind me and locked it,
carefully checking to make sure the high-up security chain was
fastened. "I couldn't make you do it by yourself. Is it okay,
though? With..."

On one level I did appreciate his concern for
my relationship, but remembering Alex's snide comments before I
left the house that morning about me 'spending the night with
Loren' sent anger blazing through me again, and my tone was harsher
than I'd meant it to be when I said, "It's fine with me and that's
all that matters."

Loren blinked, but thankfully didn't pursue
it. "Good enough. I ordered pizza online a little while ago so it
should be here in a few minutes. Then I'll feed Dad and get him
settled in front of the TV for the night and we can get going."

We'd been doing all right on the project's
tight schedule until yesterday, when the bosses decided to move the
deadline up a week. Dana had authorized us to put in whatever
overtime we needed to get it done, and Loren and I had decided to
work as late as we could tonight to put a huge dent in the
remaining tasks. He'd offered to drive me to his house, but I'd
come over via streetcar and subway and bus instead because I needed
to make a quick stop at the yarn store to hand in some samples I'd
made to show how great crochet could look in Ellen's fanciest
yarns. "Sounds good. What do I owe you for the pizza?"

He shook his head. "I got it."

I tried to protest, but he said, "You're
wasting your time. Let's get our work set up before the pizza gets
here."

"I'll make a Starbucks run later if we need
the boost."

He smiled, his eyes warm but sad too.
"Deal."

We looked at each other for a moment and I
knew we were both thinking the same thing. But since there was no
way to reverse back to where we'd been the day his dad went
missing, I said, "So, where are we working?"

He gave me a quick tour of the place then
went up to his dad's room to see what he and his caretaker were
doing while I laid out the endless papers and file folders we
needed on his dining room table.

He came back before I'd finished. "Dad's a
little confused today," he said, fiddling with a folder without
looking at me. "Don't be surprised if he doesn't know you."

My heart hurt. "He only met me that one time.
I understand."

"If he asks your name more than once, keep
telling him, okay? He won't remember that he asked before so
there's no point in letting him know. Just makes him
frustrated."

"Okay," I whispered, fighting the urge to hug
him. How could he live like this? My parents were far away, and I'd
love to see them more often, but at least I didn't have to wonder
if one day I'd come home and they wouldn't know me.

He looked up, and our eyes caught and held,
sending sparkly shivers through me. Then he turned away. "I'll
leave you to this while I empty the dishwasher so we have some
plates for dinner."

"Good idea." A little distance was probably
exactly what we needed. Not what we wanted, though. The current
between us when our eyes met made that clear. But I had to stick
with the decision I'd made to take Alex back. I'd gone too far down
that road to turn back. We still had good moments together and we'd
make it all good again.

As I finished getting our work area ready, I
heard footsteps on the stairs, and looked up to see a short stocky
middle-aged woman with Martin right behind her. She smiled at me
and said, "Hi. How are you?"

"Fine, thanks. You?"

"Well, I'm done putting up with
Martin
for the day so it's all good."

Her tone was full of affection, though, and
Martin poked her shoulder. "I can hear you."

"No point if you couldn't." She winked at me
and I giggled.

Loren came in. "Thanks, Penny. Seven tomorrow
morning, right?"

"You got it, cute stuff," she said, and
winked at me again.

Loren rolled his eyes. "Get your glasses
checked. See you tomorrow."

Penny gave Martin a hug goodbye, which
touched me, then headed out leaving him standing looking vague on
the last step from upstairs.

"Come on down, Dad. This is Andrea."

Martin's eyes sharpened. "I know that. I'm
not an idiot."

Loren blinked, and I felt a rush of happiness
that his dad was clear at the moment. It faded fast, though, when
Martin added, "You grew up with her, for heaven's sake. We've known
her forever."

While I did feel like I'd known Loren a lot
longer than just a few months, I knew Martin wasn't speaking
metaphorically.

Loren smiled at him and ushered him into the
kitchen to sit at the table and await the pizza, but paused as they
passed and murmured to me, "He's thinking of our old neighbor
Annette. Sorry."

"It's okay," I whispered, but I couldn't tell
if he heard me.

The pizza arrived, and we ate and listened to
Martin's rambling stories about people he might have known and
might have made up, and my admiration for Loren grew even higher as
I watched him care for his dad.

He was a special man. I'd have been lucky to
have him. If I'd been ready to take him when I had the chance.

*****

After dinner, Loren made popcorn for Martin
and settled him in front of the TV then we left the dishes in the
kitchen at Loren's insistence and got to work, mostly in silence.
We'd had such deep and amazing conversations in the past but now
Alex stood between us as surely as if he'd actually been present,
and I had no idea what to say that wasn't about work. Loren didn't
either, apparently, so we slaved away until our silence was broken
by a loud snore.

We smiled at each other, and Loren said,
"We've been at it close to two hours. Take a break and I'll get him
upstairs to bed."

"Why don't I hit Starbucks? It's not a long
walk from here."

"Good call. I could use a coffee." He dug in
his pocket and held out his keys. "Take my car, though."

"Oh, no, it's okay. I can walk."

"Of course you can. But it's dark. And a
little cold. I'd feel better if you didn't."

When I'd left my apartment that morning, I'd
told Alex I'd be home sometime after midnight, which had led to the
'spending the night with Loren' garbage. I'd taken the subway to
work as I always did since I hated trying to park in downtown
Toronto, so he knew I wouldn't be able to drive myself home. My
boyfriend had no idea how I'd be getting home, hadn't bothered to
ask.

Loren would have asked.

He still held the keys, and I reached out and
took them. "I'll be careful."

He laughed. "It's got enough dents in it that
a few more wouldn't matter. When you come back just let yourself
in, okay? The doorbell might wake Dad."

I nodded, and he told me what to get him, and
off I went.

I'd never thought before about how personal
someone's car could be, but being in Loren's without him felt oddly
intimate. His sunglasses lying on the passenger seat. The case from
an audio book about caring for Alzheimer's patients next to them.
An envelope, clearly his pay stub, on the floor. The car even
smelled like him, warm and sexy.

I shut my eyes and let myself imagine being
with Loren instead of Alex. My shoulders sank at once, releasing
tension I hadn't even known I felt. Tears stung the backs of my
eyes and I opened them. Why torture myself? Yeah, Alex and I were
struggling but that wasn't a surprise. We were trying to figure out
how to be adults together, and we'd get it worked out. Somehow.
Adult relationships were hard work. Everyone said so.

I started the car and turned off Loren's
audio book so he wouldn't miss anything, then pulled cautiously
onto the road, returning about twenty minutes later with our drinks
and a cookie each for extra energy.

Reaching for his front door without knocking
felt even more intimate than being in his car, but nothing compared
to the door moving before I could touch it and the sight of him
pulling the door open for me. He'd been waiting for me, listening
for me to walk up the steps. At first I couldn't believe it, but he
said, "Come on in. I didn't want you to have to struggle with the
drinks and the door."

I looked into his eyes and knew, right to the
tips of my teal-painted toenails, that I'd made the wrong decision.
The knowledge hit me like a slap from a giant. If I wasn't ready
for a relationship with someone as caring as this man, I wasn't
ready for one at all. I should have stayed on my own until I knew
better who I was and what I wanted.

I'd never learn that with Alex. Not even in
another fourteen years. He didn't want me to change. And I did. I
had
changed, and I loved who I was becoming. And if Alex
didn't love that too, then he didn't love me. The new me. The real
me.

Loren took the drink tray from my hands while
I stood staring at him, then raised his eyebrows. "You okay?"

I nodded, not sure I could talk with stunned
horror still rippling through me. Wrong reversal. So wrong. Now
what? I took a deep breath and managed to whisper, "Thought I
should be quiet."

He chuckled. "He's sound asleep. I'll check
on him every so often but for now he's out."

I followed him back to the dining room and we
got back to work. I pushed my epiphany out of my mind, since I
couldn't deal with it now, and we sat together in the brightly lit
dining room with the rest of the house dark and I felt like we were
the only people on the planet and I loved it.

When we'd finished a major section of the
project, he slipped upstairs to check on his dad and I decided to
tidy up from dinner.

"Didn't I say not to do that?"

I jumped and turned to face him. "It's the
least I can do."

He came forward. "The least you can do is
nothing, and that's all you have to do. Other than work, of
course."

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "I'd rather
clean the kitchen."

He smiled. "Ditto. Want to take a quick
cleaning break?"

"Your definition of 'break' and mine aren't
the same, but sure."