A Life That Fits (28 page)

"You're not happy with Alex, right?"

I had to agree. We had occasional good
moments but they were like tiny diamonds buried in Harrison's
litter box. Very little good, so much that stank.

"Then maybe you're meant to be with this
Loren. I'll refrain from calling him a lucky bastard but you can
assume I did."

I smiled at him. "Do any of the books you
work with cover how to fall for a guy when you'd really like to but
just don't feel that way about him? Because I want to read that one
and then fall for you."

He gave me a fake grimace. "I turned down one
like that just last week. Damn it." We both smiled, and he added,
"Besides, you've got your hands full as it is. So, I guess you're
going to leave Alex for Loren?"

I sighed. "It sounds like I should, right?
But there's something not right about that too."

He tipped his head to one side. "You like
him, he's a good guy, you've mercifully spared me the details but
it's pretty obvious you're attracted to him... what could be not
right?"

"I'm not sure." I tried to articulate
everything I was feeling. "I guess I just feel like I'm supposed to
be on my own for a while. But I can't expect Loren to still be
there when I'm ready. I've heard it takes half the time you were
with someone to truly be over him. What if it takes me the whole
seven years?"

He nodded slowly. "Seven years. You're pretty
amazing, but there's no guarantee Loren will wait that long."

The thought of Loren with someone else gave
me an awful pang in my stomach. "I know. But if I'm not ready..." I
sighed again. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I
am
ready and it's
just that I can't break up with Alex. I wanted him back so much,
and now I have him and..." I shrugged.

"When you were single, did you go after a
relationship with Loren?"

I felt my cheeks warm but had to admit, "We
kissed a few times on one day."

To his credit, he didn't call Loren a lucky
bastard again. Instead, he said, "And after that?"

"We were friendly at work but neither of us
did anything about taking things further. If anything, we tried to
hold back."

He nodded. "Then I don't think you are ready.
And neither is he. If you were both single and you didn't go for
it, then this isn't the right time for you."

I sat for a while, digesting this. He waited
quietly. Eventually I said, "But I do like him. Doesn't that mean
anything?"

"Sure." His eyes were soft. "But it might not
be enough."

I drummed my fingers on the table. I wanted
it to be enough. I wanted to be ready to be with Loren. I'd wanted
that since the first spark between us. But I felt awfully sure that
Mark was right. I didn't want him to be, and I was still fighting
not to believe it, but something deep inside was resonating with
his words.

He took my hand, silencing my fingers. "If
you're meant to be with Loren, it'll work out. You have to trust
your gut. Your body knows, if you'll listen. Don't make any rash
decisions, okay? Just listen and see what feels right, and then do
that."

I listened to my gut all the way home,
thinking about all the possibilities and seeing how they made my
insides feel, what made my stomach twist or relax, then broke up
with Alex that night. Mark had warned me not to be rash but this
didn't feel rash. It felt... inevitable.

Unfortunately, Alex didn't see it that way.
"You didn't try. We haven't even been back together for two months
yet and you're already giving up? Running to Loren, I assume."

"Leave him out of this. I'm not running
to
anyone. I'm--" We stared at each other, then I made
myself say it. "I'm running away from you. We're wrong for each
other."

He was already shaking his head even before I
finished. "That's not true. We just need time to get used to each
other again."

"Oh, Alex, come on. We fight constantly now,
and when we're not fighting we've got nothing to say to each other.
We've both changed while we were apart, and we don't fit together
any more."

He sat as if digesting this, and I was about
to put my hand on his shoulder and say something about how sorry I
was that we hadn't been able to make it work when he said, "We
could have. If you weren't so busy with Loren and that damned show
and all the rest of the things you've been doing instead of being
with me. You shut me out. You haven't even let me have sex with
you. How could we get back together like that?"

A flash of outrage lit me up then fizzled.
That he could throw my inability to sleep with him in my face was
even more proof, as if I needed any more, that the Alex I'd loved
was lost to me forever. Whether I'd changed or he'd changed or we
both had didn't matter, and there was no point in talking it out.
"You need to go."

He shook his head. "You need to tell me how
you could possibly think you gave us a fair chance."

All the things I could say popped into my
mind at once, dizzying me. Pointing out that his cheating could
hardly be called 'giving us a fair chance'. Questioning where he
got off trying to make everything my fault. Explaining that I'd
hardly want to sleep with someone I couldn't even talk to. But one
thing moved to the forefront and I said it. "No, I don't. You need
to go."

"Tell me you're not going to Loren."

I knew I didn't have to justify myself but I
told him the truth anyhow. "I don't know where I'm going. I'm just
not going anywhere with you."

He stared at me for another moment, then
stood up. Without a word, he packed up his clothes and the few
things he'd brought home with him, and without a word he walked
out.

I wasn't as shocked as the last time, but I
cried harder. I didn't know what that meant, and I was so tired of
trying to analyze the meaning of everything in my life.

My first stop at the office the next morning
was at Wendy's cubicle. She wasn't there, so I left a note asking
her to come see me then went to my desk and tried to lose myself in
work so I wouldn't have to think. I couldn't stay lost, though.

Alex was gone. He'd texted me a bunch of
times last night, at first saying he was sure we could work
everything out but then turning nasty and blaming me for everything
that had happened since he'd come back. When he went even further
and also blamed me for his cheating, I turned the phone off and
went to bed.

Lying alone in the dark I'd cried a little,
but stopped abruptly when I realized my stomach felt relaxed for
the first time since I'd taken him back. Having him with me had
literally sickened me. My gut knew I'd done the right thing. I
promised it I'd listen to it more, and fell asleep.

In the morning I'd deleted Alex's messages
after turning the phone upside down first so I couldn't read them.
I did consider waiting and asking Loren to delete them for me but
that felt a little too forward.

The mere thought of Loren made it impossible
to get any work done, and I stared at my screen and let my mind go
where it wanted to go.

Was I going to try to be with him?

I liked him so much, and the thought of
losing him to someone else hurt. But my every instinct said I
needed to be on my own for a while. How long? The instincts weren't
forthcoming on that score. They simply believed I needed to figure
out who I was without a man before I could know how I wanted to be
with one, just as I'd realized at Loren's house.

But they also knew, or at least were pretty
sure, that no matter who I turned out to be I'd want to be with
Loren.

So should I go for it and hope that was true?
Or wait to see who I was and risk losing him? Was waiting cowardice
or a smart move?

I sighed.

"You okay?"

I looked up. "Yup. Rough night. Come on
in."

Wendy settled into my guest chair. "What's
up?"

To my surprise, I suddenly didn't want to
tell her. I didn't want Alex trooping right back to her. But why?
It wasn't my concern who he dated.

With a shock, I realized I wasn't concerned
about him, I just didn't want Wendy to get stuck with him. The last
tiny scrap of doubt about whether I'd made the right decision
leaving him shimmered away. If only I could be as certain about
Loren.

Wendy waved her hand in front of my face.

"Sorry. Having an epiphany. I wanted to let
you know I broke up with Alex last night."

She nodded slowly. "May I ask why?"

"Of course. We used to be so great together
but we're not now. Things aren't the same and they're not going to
be. And to be honest I don't even want them to be."

She flicked her gaze toward Loren's cubicle
and raised her eyebrows.

I shrugged. "I got accused of that, of
course." I lowered my voice, although I didn't think Loren was in
there. "I do like him, but I'm not sure I'm ready."

"He's a sweetheart."

"Trust me, I know. I couldn't do better, for
sure. But right now I think maybe I should be on my own."

She sighed. "I wish I had the courage to do
that."

I frowned. "Of course you do."

She shook her head. "With Henry in my life, I
can't be single. He's nasty enough when I have a boyfriend. When I
don't, the 'dried-up old maid' comments fly fast and furious."

"From that... pasty-faced homophobic
jackass?"

She laughed. "Don't hold back, let me know
what you think."

"Are you sure? It might get loud."

She laughed harder and I joined her. When she
calmed, she said, "Anyone who wants to dump on Henry is my best
friend." She sobered. "His ten-year anniversary with Lee-Anne is
coming up soon and they're having a party. I can't imagine going to
it solo."

I considered offering to go along, but I knew
she didn't mean going with a friend would be enough. "Maybe Jay
would go and pretend to be your boyfriend. Or Loren?"

She grinned and nudged me. "You'd let me
borrow Loren?"

I laughed. "He's not mine."

"Ah, but I think he could be. If you decide
you want him."

"I do want him," I said without thinking, and
realized as I spoke that I'd never meant anything more. I shook my
head. "I do. But... oh, Wendy. What am I going to do?"

She leaned forward and gave me a hug. "You're
great and so is Loren and I'd love to see you guys together. I get
what you're saying about not being sure you're ready, but are you
sure you're willing to risk losing him?"

Cut right to the heart of it, why don't you?
Cut right to the heart of me. I squeezed her back then we released
each other and I sighed. "Honestly? No, I'm not remotely sure."

Her smile was gentle. "I wish you all the
luck in the world finding out."

*****

Wendy did more than wish me luck. She clearly
told Loren I was single again, because he came to my cubicle after
seeing Martin at noon, stood in my doorway looking unfairly cute,
and said, "Will you have lunch with me tomorrow?"

His obvious nervousness made it clear this
wasn't simply a friendly invitation, and I knew he knew about Alex.
"Don't you need to go home then?"

He shook his head. "Dad's caregiver agreed to
watch him over lunch."

He stood waiting, and such a rush of emotion
hit me that I could barely breathe. He was waiting, but I didn't
feel even a hint of pressure. He wasn't pushing me. He'd never push
me. If I said no, he'd go back to his cubicle and not ask again and
we'd continue to be friends.

What an awful thought.

"I'd love to."

His smile nearly made me cry.

Before leaving my cubicle after asking me
out, Loren had grilled me on my food preferences and dislikes then
said he knew the perfect place. From the outside it didn't look
like much, but the interior, a deep dusky grey with only a few
hints of vibrant red to break it up, felt cozy and intimate.

We settled at our isolated corner table and
smiled at each other, and my shoulders relaxed as I looked into his
eyes. I felt like we'd left everything but ourselves behind. No
issues had followed us into the restaurant, no worries about the
future. Just me and him. Perfect.

The food was spicy but not painfully hot, and
delicious, and we ordered small portions of various dishes and
nibbled from each other's plates and talked and talked and talked.
I eventually asked him flat-out if Wendy had told him I'd left Alex
and he admitted it without even considering lying.

"And I'm sorry if it made you sad to leave
him."

I looked across the small table at him, my
heart melting. I knew he'd wanted me to leave Alex, but his eyes
were soft and sympathetic and no trace of triumph showed. He was
genuinely concerned for my emotions. Alex hadn't managed that.

Our eyes caught and held, and we both stood
up at once. When we moved toward each other neither of us held
back, and our kiss was sweet and soft and utterly gorgeous. When it
ended, we hugged each other hard for a moment then he murmured, "We
do pick the most public places."

I laughed. "Exhibitionist."

"Same to you."

We returned to our chairs and I made myself
refrain from looking around to see whether anyone had been
watching. I didn't care what other people thought. I cared what
Loren thought, and even more what I thought.

What was I going to do?

My instincts were still saying that I needed
time to myself, but Loren's kiss had turned their volume nearly to
zero. I'd never felt as right as I did in his arms. I'd already
seen how careful he was not to control or influence me, and I felt
sure he wouldn't change that if we were actually together.

We didn't touch each other again in the
restaurant, but after an amazing lunch, for which he paid and
refused to show me the bill, he pulled me into a little park on the
way back to work and turned me to face him. "I like you, Andrea. I
like you a lot."