A Life That Fits (26 page)

Same to all of us, every last one. Though
we'd been forced to take the show apart and reassemble it by that
awful cold, in the end the performance was so much better for it.
Our rendition played on all our strengths and skimmed over our weak
spots so it fit our group perfectly. It was nothing like the
original, and nothing like any other group had done before, and the
audience had loved it and we had all loved it too.

David and his wife had organized a party back
at our rehearsal space to celebrate opening night, and from the
crowd that filled the room half an hour later it seemed like nearly
everyone who'd attended the show had come over.

Alex had insisted on coming to both the show
and the party. I'd been nervous, since Loren was coming with Dana
and Jay and I didn't particularly want them to meet, but despite
myself I'd been touched that Alex wanted to be there. He was
surprisingly complimentary about the show and my performance in it,
but seemed taken aback when George came over to us with a plush
monkey prop wrapped around his neck.

"Alex, this is my clarinet buddy George.
George, this is my... boyfriend, Alex."

I hoped the hesitation hadn't been too
obvious. I hadn't meant to hesitate at all, of course, but this was
the first time I'd called Alex my boyfriend since we'd gotten back
together and I hadn't been able to say it without a little
flinch.

George clearly remembered Alex's name from
when I'd told him about the breakup, because he shot me a quick
look before offering his monkey's hand to Alex. "Nice to meet
you."

Alex shook the monkey's hand gingerly. "You
too."

George elbowed me. "So, you survived hell
week, eh?"

I elbowed him back. "Barely. So many hours
here! And I had to cancel my craft groups and my bellydance class."
I'd been surprisingly bothered by that. Before Alex left me, I'd
been home every night and had never felt a lack, but now even the
temporary loss of my new activities felt strange and
uncomfortable.

"That bellydance sequence came out great." He
turned to Alex. "She helped choreograph that, you know. The one
with the snake?"

"I remember it."

George raised his eyebrows at the abrupt
response, and Alex added, "It was neat, Andrea," in a tone that
suggested the opposite.

I felt my cheeks grow warm but tried not to
react. I knew Alex didn't approve of my dancing but did he have to
be so
blunt
about it? I'd told him repeatedly I had no plans
to dance in public, which I didn't since I truly didn't have any
interest in performing, so why couldn't dancing just be something
fun I did? Why did he have to take it as a personal affront?

"Well. Moving on. Where's your friend Wendy?"
George scanned the room. "She did a great job with that scenery
that was trying to fall on us in the second act and I want to thank
her."

Wendy and I weren't friends any more, not
really, but I couldn't tell George that. I scanned the room for
her, and my heart fluttered when I saw who she was with. A man and
woman I didn't know, Dana and Jay...

And Loren.

He looked away from Wendy and our eyes met.
The corner of his mouth pulled up into an adorable smile, and I
realized he smiled like that now every time he saw me. We were
doing our best to behave; we'd hugged after finally finishing the
big project, too excited not to, then again the next day in Dana's
office when she informed us the bosses were thrilled with our work,
but since then we hadn't touched each other. Even so, seeing him
made me happy. It hurt, but it made me happy.

I returned his smile, and he raised his beer
bottle to me like a toast and mouthed, "Congrats". I mouthed back,
"Thank you," then jumped when George said, "Oh, there she is. And
with
two
cute guys. Excuse me, I have new friends to
meet."

He turned to face me, putting his back to
Alex, and gave me the frowning of a lifetime. In case I hadn't
understood, he also jerked his eyes in Alex's direction then rolled
them.

"Of course you're excused," I said pointedly.
"Off you go then."

"Thank you, your highness," he said with a
theatrical bow, and left.

"Does he always wear that monkey?"

I turned to Alex. "No, sometimes he wears a
polar bear."

Alex blinked, and I rolled my eyes at him
then felt uncomfortably aware that I'd repeated George's gesture.
"Of course not. It's from the show."

"I just wondered. He seems like the
type."

Was that a homophobic comment? He'd never
seemed that way before, but now I wondered. I didn't have time to
do anything about it, though, because Wendy, amazingly, was
approaching me. To be more accurate, she was following the man and
woman toward me, an awkward smile on her face.

"Alex," the man boomed, holding out a big
manicured hand. "Nice to see you again. Not quite the same
circumstances though, eh?"

Confusion flickered through me, then I
understood. Wendy had taken her boyfriend to have dinner with her
sister and brother-in-law, and they wanted to talk to the boyfriend
again despite how much it was clearly bothering Wendy.

"Um, I guess not," Alex said, shaking the
offered hand. "How are you, Henry? And you, Lee-Anne?"

Lee-Anne, a paler and less vibrantly dressed
version of Wendy, gave him a shy smile but didn't speak, and Henry
said, "Oh, I'm perfect as always," with a laugh that said he
assumed everyone agreed with him. "And this must be the one you
left our Wendy for."

"Geez, Henry."

He didn't even blink at Wendy's admonishment.
"What's your name, blondie?"

Blondie? "I'm Andrea."

He didn't offer his hand to me and I was
glad. I didn't want to get slime on my fingers.

"Wendy here," he said, jerking his thumb over
his shoulder at her, "thought it'd be uncomfortable for us all to
talk. But she's being stupid. Of course it's not. We're adults,
right?"

Alex shot me a look. "Right."

I steamed but sipped my wine to keep myself
quiet. I had asked him to avoid talking to Wendy tonight and he'd
insisted it wouldn't matter since she'd be over him by now. I
wasn't at all sure she was, and even if she was I didn't want to
rub her nose in it.

Alex and Henry were too much alike for my
comfort.

Henry said, "Alex, man to man, wasn't that
show the gayest thing you've ever seen?"

Alex's eyes darted toward George, who was now
rubbing his monkey prop on Loren's arm and making it lick him while
Loren and my coworkers roared with laughter, but he just said, "Not
a fan of musical theater, I guess?"

Henry leaned in and began whispering to Alex
so I couldn't hear his response. Good thing: even just that one
sentence equating 'gay' with 'bad' had infuriated me, not to
mention Alex's response and the way he'd looked to George as an
example of supreme and apparently unpleasant gayness.

Repulsed by both men, and wondering if I'd
been dating a homophobe for fourteen years, I turned my attention
to the women. Lee-Anne stood watching her husband with a completely
blank expression, and a shiver rippled through me at how withdrawn
she seemed. Years of Henry would do that, though, I supposed.

Would years of Alex? More years? Had they
already
done it? I hadn't told him off for his crack about
George and the monkey, after all, and I'd let his silent and
Henry's all-too-vocal gay slurs stand without comment.

I looked away from Lee-Anne, not wanting to
think about it any more, and gave Wendy a tentative smile. "How are
you?"

She smiled back with about the same level of
confidence. "Good. You?"

I nodded, then said, "You did a great job
tonight."

She blushed. "You too. And I like your
boots."

I'd had to wear all black to make sure I
wasn't too visible to the audience from the orchestra pit, and I'd
picked up the new boots that week since my old black leather ones
were in rough shape. "Thanks. They're cute but they pinch a
little."

"Yeah. Boots'll do that."

"Yeah."

We stood looking at each other for a moment,
then both blurted, "Do you want--" at once.

We laughed, and I said, "You first."

"Do you want to have coffee with me Monday
morning?"

I smiled, then stepped forward and hugged
her. "Yes, please. I was going to suggest lunch but coffee's
perfect. Then maybe lunch."

"Sounds great." She squeezed me tight and
whispered, "I've really missed you. I think we can be friends
again."

"Me too. To both parts."

We released each other, and I felt someone
watching me and looked over to see Loren, his eyes warm. I smiled,
and he flashed me a thumbs-up sign then went back to his laughing
attempts to untangle himself from George's monkey.

Wendy and I were recovering our friendship
even though Alex was still in my life. Loren and I had never lost
ours, but would being friends with him ever be enough?

*****

The party went on until about one in the
morning, at which point David said, "Everyone involved in the show,
get out of here and go get some sleep. We've got four more
performances and you need your energy."

We groaned, but obediently began to leave. I
was afraid, as we were packed in together to get through the door,
that Loren and Alex and I would find ourselves in too close
contact, but when I saw Jay and Dana outside Loren wasn't with
them. Maybe he'd left early because of Martin.

David, thinking ahead as always, had ordered
a bunch of taxis to take people home, and Alex and I stood with my
work friends and waited for our turn to climb into one since
neither of us had wanted to be the designated driver that
night.

Jay gave me congratulations and a
good-natured hug, and so did Dana, then we chatted about the show
and work until we reached the front of the taxi line. Alex tried to
let my colleagues go first, but Jay said, "We're still waiting on
Loren. He forgot his jacket inside. You two go ahead."

I felt myself stiffen though I tried not to
react, and Alex straightened his shoulders and said, "Oh, is he
here? I've heard a lot about him."

Jay smiled easily at him. "Of course you
have. She works with him every day, how could you not?"

Alex relaxed, obviously glad that Jay didn't
seem to be hiding anything about my relationship with Loren, and
turned toward the taxi, fortunately missing the wink Jay shot me. I
knew, from the wink and from Dana's sympathetic eyes when I glanced
at her, that Loren and I were a poorly kept secret in the
office.

At least we were still a secret from Alex.
Not that there was anything going on any more.

I gave Jay and Dana quick hugs and followed
Alex down the walkway toward the taxi. He looked back over his
shoulder at me, then past me and froze. "That him?"

I turned around. Loren stood with the others
now, watching us go. Our eyes met and I remembered the last time
I'd walked toward a taxi, how I'd turned back and flung myself into
his waiting arms. "Yeah, that's him," I said, still looking at
Loren. That's him, all right.

"Well, quit staring at him and get in the
car."

I jerked my eyes away from Loren and climbed
into the taxi. My eyes met the driver's in the rear-view mirror and
he said, "Hey again. Bringing your boyfriend this time?"

Oh, no.

He glanced at Alex, who'd climbed in after
me, then out the window at Loren. "Oh. Um. Never mind, I think I've
confused you with someone else."

Nice try, buddy. Not good enough, but nice
try.

Alex didn't say a word the whole way home. He
didn't speak once we were inside either, just sat slumped on the
couch ignoring Harrison's attempts to make him pet him. I didn't
want to ask what was wrong, because I knew, but eventually Alex
couldn't keep quiet any more. "Why'd that guy think that idiot was
your boyfriend?"

I so nearly said, "He's not an idiot," but
just managed not to. Defending Loren wouldn't help. I managed not
to give into my second impulse, to lie and say I had no idea what
he was talking about, too. I did know, and I didn't feel like
mincing around. "That taxi driver brought me home from Loren's that
night we had to work late. I guess he figured I was leaving my
boyfriend's house."

"And why would he think that? Big make-out
session on the front steps before you left?"

Loren and I had so wanted that session, and
we'd restrained ourselves. I would not be criticized for cheating I
didn't do by someone who
did
do it. "You'd have to ask him.
Loren did walk me outside and wait until I was in the taxi, like a
gentleman, but there was no making out."

"I don't want you working with him any
more."

I sat on the corner of the couch, as far from
him as I could get. "That's not going to happen."

"You've finished that big project, so just
change jobs."

I dropped my face into my hands. "Haven't we
done this already? I am not doing that."

"Because you want to be with him."

"Because I happen to like and be good at my
job!"

"If you care about me, you'll quit."

I raised my head and stared at him. His
cheeks reddened but he didn't back down. In fact, he pushed harder.
"If you don't leave that job, I'll know you don't really want to be
with me."

My mouth moved but I couldn't find anything
to say. Eventually, I said exactly what was rushing through my
mind. "If you won't trust me, I
don't
want to be with
you."

"
Can
I trust you?"

I gave a grim laugh. "That's rich, coming
from you."

"I said I was sorry. You never did."

His oh-so-rational tone and his words
infuriated me. "For what? Liking a coworker when I was single? I
don't think I've got anything to apologize for."