A Life That Fits (19 page)

"Was today the first time he got out of the
house like that?"

He nodded. "He's slipped outside before, but
he's always just sat on the steps to get some air. But today? That
long walk and everything that could have happened?" He shook his
head. "I don't know whether it's even safe to keep him at home any
more."

I sighed. "That's awful. I'm sure some of the
places he could live would be really nice, but they wouldn't be his
home. It's so good of you to do what you're doing, but it must be
so tough for you too. It's not begging for sympathy at all to admit
it's a challenge."

His smile was sad. "I owe him after
everything he's done for me all my life. But... yeah, it's hard
sometimes. Jay and Wendy used to invite me out for drinks all the
time, but since I never went they stopped asking. That Wonderland
trip was the first time I'd been away from Dad other than for work
in ages. And the 'Cats' play, but I only went there because Brent's
cousin was in it. I basically just work then go home." He gave a
grim laugh. "I haven't had a girlfriend since Mom died. I can
hardly say, 'Sure, I'll date you. Bring over a movie and some
night-time diapers for my dad.' No woman's going to put up with
that for long. So I haven't tried."

I wanted to protest, since I felt sure he'd
be worth that sort of sacrifice, but I couldn't really. Sure,
occasionally it'd be fine to stay at his place, but dating a guy
who could never leave the house? Not a lot of fun.

"I want some sort of sign, you know?
Something to prove I'm doing the right thing."

I nodded. "Seeing Alex again freaked me out.
I'm sure we're not meant to be together but I'd love a sign
too."

"Well, I guess we have something of a sign
here, right? An unexpected day off, which we're probably not
supposed to spend obsessing over our problems. What do you want to
do with it?"

I racked my brain but came up empty, except
for one thing. "All I can think of is going to a movie."

He laughed. "That's my fault for mentioning
movies. If there's something you want to see, though, we
could."

"I don't even know what's on."

We sat in silence, and I mentally yelled at
myself to come up with something. The poor man had his first day
off in forever and we'd end up wasting it going "I don't know, what
do
you
want to do?" all day long.

Loren thumped his fist down on the table,
making me jump. "We're thinking too hard. Quick, what's the first
thing you want to do?"

Kiss you.
I couldn't say it, though.
But I also couldn't think of anything else with that one standing
in the way. "I don't know."

He laughed, and I joined him. "We're
pathetic, Andrea. I guess we'll just spend the day being pathetic
together."

"There are worse things." An idea hit me.
"What would you usually do with a day off?"

"Hang out with Dad and watch soap operas. He
loves them because he can always remember what's going on. Because
nothing ever changes."

I laughed. "I watched one a few summers ago
and then saw it again last year, and they were still talking about
some guy's evil twin brother and whether or not he was really the
guy or the brother."

"Let me guess. The evil one was dead and the
good one was pretending to be evil."

"Close. I think the evil one was pretending
to be good because everyone thought the evil one was dead. I forget
where he'd hidden away the good one."

He laughed. "I bet they're still on the same
plot line now. But why'd you want to know what I'd be doing? Are
you going to make me go home and do it?"

I shook my head and explained the reversing
project. I hadn't been doing it as much lately, since things were
interesting enough without it, but I was still watching for
opportunities to try new things.

"I like that," he said when I'd finished.
"Let's see. I'd be at home with Dad, but now I'm out with you so
that's a good reversal. What else?"

He pulled his mouth to one side as he
thought, and the desire to grab him and kiss that mouth was almost
more than I could bear. I had no idea why it was so strong. Sure,
he was cute, but I wasn't anywhere close to being ready for a
relationship. Neither was he, for that matter. He'd made that
clear.

Was that why? Did I want to break my 'never
kissed anyone but Alex' streak with someone who couldn't ever be
more than that?

I didn't know, but I wanted it so much my
lips tingled.

"Hey!"

I jumped, afraid he'd somehow realized what I
was thinking.

"I know what would be a reverse for me. I
love reading car magazines. My car's ancient, as I know you saw,
but someday I'd like something flashy and fast. I haven't been
buying those magazines because it feels like a waste of time and
money. But a little money to have hours of fun reading? It's worth
it, right?"

I smiled at his enthusiasm. "Absolutely."

He sobered. "But that wouldn't be any fun for
you."

Watching him have a great day would be fun,
but I could make it even better. "What about sitting at Starbucks
while we read? I hardly ever let myself indulge since it's
expensive, but some of their drinks are amazing. I could find a
book or something too."

He smiled. "Brilliant. Let's go."

In fairly short order he'd bought two car
magazines and I had picked up a novel about a musical theater group
and we were sitting at a small table in the bookstore's Starbucks
with overpriced delicious drinks in front of us.

He sipped his chocolate concoction and gave a
deep sigh. "You're a genius. This is exactly what I want to be
doing at the moment."

I smiled. "Me too."

We sat together, not talking, just drinking
and reading, and though we weren't interacting I felt closer to him
than I had to anyone in a long time.

Maybe ever.

After reading a few pages I kept my eyes on
my book but thought about him instead. Last week I'd seen the
musical theater's drummer tuning his drum set and had wandered over
to ask him why he was tuning the bottom skins of the drums since
he'd never hit them there. He'd said, "Because the top and bottom
skins both resonate when I hit the drum. If they're not in tune,
they'll sound dissonant." Loren and I weren't remotely
dissonant.

I risked a glance up at him, then studied him
openly when I realized he was too engrossed to notice. At first it
had been all about his gorgeous eyes but I was pretty much used to
those now. I still thought he was cute but it ran deeper than that.
Deeper than my admiration of how he cared for his dad, my
appreciation of his admitting how he'd accidentally influenced
Tina... I hadn't seen a single thing I didn't like about him. And I
so wanted to know how he kissed, know how it felt to have another
man's mouth on mine. This man's mouth.

"What?"

I came back to reality and blinked at
him.

"You're staring at me like I'm some weird
bug. What's up?"

I so strongly wanted to kiss him, and almost
equally strongly knew it wasn't appropriate.

Almost.

I took a deep breath and spoke though it
terrified me. "I have something to reverse."

He grinned, obviously not remotely aware of
where I was going. "Cool. What?"

I swallowed hard and leaned a little closer
to make sure nobody else could hear. "I've... I've never kissed
anyone but my ex."

I saw him recognize what I meant, and my
already racing heartbeat sped up another notch when I also saw him
like it.

"Okay. Um. Should we get out of here? We
could find a nice place outside."

I couldn't imagine kissing him there
surrounded by people. I couldn't imagine kissing him at all, but I
was about to. I nodded again, too freaked out at what I'd said and
what I was going to do to speak.

He picked up his magazines and slid them into
his plastic bag, and I handed him my book then joined him in
throwing out a half-full drink and walking out of Starbucks and
into the mall.

He reached over and took my hand as we went,
and his touch felt exhilarating and comforting at once. I squeezed
his hand and he squeezed back, and my terror faded a little. I'd
been safe with him on the bungee ride and I'd be safe here too.

We didn't speak until we reached the door to
the street and saw raindrops spattering against it. He rested his
free hand against the door and peered out. "You don't melt in the
rain, do you?"

Despite my nerves I had to laugh. "You
calling me a witch?"

He laughed too. "Not even close. Okay, come
on."

We burst out onto the deserted street and he
guided me at a run to a stone archway nearby. The rain cascaded
down around us but we were safe and more-or-less dry beneath
it.

We stood looking at each other, then he set
the bag down between his feet, put his hands on my shoulders, and
drew me a little closer. "Should I, or..."

I shook my head and slipped my arms around
his neck, even just that action sending shivers through me. I'd
hugged him earlier but now was so different. That had been as
friends. This was... something else. "I think I should." It
wouldn't count if he did it.

He nodded, and waited.

I couldn't move. What if I was a terrible
kisser? I might be. How would I know? Even worse, what if we
couldn't be friends afterwards? Why had I even admitted it?

He touched my cheek gently with one hand, his
eyes intent on mine. "Are you sure you want to?"

I nodded.

"It's okay if you changed your mind. I won't
be offended or anything."

Even through my panic, my mind knew it hadn't
changed at all. I shook my head without letting my eyes leave
his.

The corner of his mouth quirked. "Then pull
the handle and off we go."

Amusement briefly swept away my fear, and I
pulled his head down and pressed my mouth to his.

I didn't know what to do after that, though.
It was hardly a kiss at the moment, but his lips were warm and
unfamiliar and my senses were reeling. He didn't do anything,
obviously letting me take control, so I held still until I'd gotten
past saying "I can't believe I did it" over and over in my head
then let my lips move against his.

He followed, and we shared the sweetest and
gentlest kiss. I was tingling everywhere, lost in the newness of
his mouth. Everything was new: his big solid body in my arms, the
unfamiliar scent of his woodsy cologne, the rich chocolate taste of
his lips. New and amazing.

Then I opened to him and he opened to me and
everything changed.

He slammed me tight against him and at the
same instant I pulled him even closer, our mouths locked together
hard and hungry, fire blazing between my legs and ripping through
my body in a sudden explosion of fierce desire that burned me and
terrified me and--

I jerked my head back, gasping.

"I'm sorry," he said at once. "I was trying
to hold back but you felt so good and-- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to push you."

I shook my head. "You didn't. It's not that."
How could I explain what it was, how that had felt?

He brushed a rain-dampened strand of hair
from my cheek, his light touch setting me on fire again. "Then
what?"

I looked up into his eyes filled with
confusion and guilt and a hunger that sent a bolt of pure heat down
my spine, and told him the truth. "I've never felt like that
before."

The confusion in his gaze grew. "It was that
bad?"

"God, no. I..." I pressed my forehead to his
shoulder because I couldn't say it looking into his eyes.
"Everything just blew up. In me, I mean. It scared me. It was
almost like it hurt, but it didn't at the same time. I don't know
how to explain it."

One hand wrapped around the back of my neck
and held me gently close. "Yeah, I get it. Same here."

Another flash of energy tore through me. He'd
felt the same? It was
supposed
to feel like that?

"It wasn't like that with your ex, I
guess?"

I shook my head. I'd wanted Alex, of course,
but it had always been more of a warm glow than a violent passion.
Even my climaxes had been a gentle wave breaking, not a tsunami.
Maybe because we'd been so young at first?

Loren cleared his throat. "Did you like it at
all? Kissing me?"

My whole body was still throbbing from it,
and now that I'd calmed a bit the energy felt deliciously hot
instead of painful. "I loved it. It just got to be too much."

He squeezed me. "It's been two years since I
initiated a kiss. Can I reverse that? Would you like that?"

I looked up at him and smiled. "Pull the
handle."

He smiled too, then took my face in both
hands and kissed me. I followed his lead this time, and again we
savored a long sweet moment before he gently deepened the kiss. I
tensed, both wanting and fearing the rush of sensation, and he
eased back until I relaxed then moved in again. This time I was
ready, and no part of his kiss registered as pain with me. Not even
close.

We kissed for a long time, moving from that
near-violent hunger to sweet tenderness and back again, and it
wasn't until I heard a grouchy voice say, "Excuse me!" that I
realized the rain had stopped and people were moving around us.

Loren shifted us out of the archway so the
bitter-looking woman could go through, tucking us into a corner
where we couldn't bother anyone else. Then he hugged me and
whispered, "Way better than watching soap operas."

I laughed into his shirt. "So true."

He kissed the top of my head. "I hope I
didn't disappoint you."

"More likely I'd disappoint you. I have no
idea what I'm doing."

His arms tightened around me. "Then you're a
natural."

I shut my eyes and held on to him. I couldn't
have picked a better man to kiss. I'd never forget it. "Loren,
thank you. So much. It was perfect."