A Life That Fits (29 page)

"I like you too," I said, looking into those
gorgeous eyes. I knew where this was going and I still didn't know
whether I could handle the destination, but I couldn't deny that I
liked him. Our kisses were incredible, our conversations even
better, and dating him might be best of all.

He drew me closer. "It's okay if you don't...
I'll understand if..." He cleared his throat. "Would you be my
girlfriend?"

His nervous awkwardness made him even cuter,
if that were possible. My mind raced. Yes or no? I liked him so
much. But I probably needed... but I might lose him.

The thought of losing him wiped everything
else from my mind, and I put my arms around his neck and said,
"Yes. Please."

He grinned, relief and happiness shining in
his eyes, and bent to kiss me.

Every time our lips met, it felt better, felt
even more right. I kissed him back, loving every second, and let
the heat between us keep me from worrying about the future.

Midway through the afternoon, while Loren and
I were working away in my office and being determinedly
professional, although the warmth in his eyes made me long to kiss
him, Wendy appeared at my doorway.

"Oh, sorry. I'll come back."

I shook my head. "It's okay. What's up?"

She shifted from foot to foot. "I need to
tell you something."

"Sure."

"Not here."

Loren pushed back his chair. "I could use a
break. I'll go grab a coffee. Andrea, need anything?"

"Tea would be great." I reached for my
purse.

"I got it, don't worry. Wendy?"

She declined, and Loren headed out.

"Geez, he's adorable," Wendy murmured, taking
the chair he'd vacated. Once the sound of his footsteps had faded
away, she said, "So? Are you guys..."

I couldn't hold back my grin, but also had to
say, "Thanks to you and your big mouth."

She laughed. "Ah, you don't mind."

I still had doubts I was ready to be with
him, but they vanished every time I looked at his happy face and a
matching happiness flooded me. "That's true, actually. I
don't."

Her amusement faded. "I hope you won't mind
this. I... um..."

I knew. I didn't care, and that surprised me,
but I knew. "You're with Alex."

She blushed and nodded. "I'm sorry. He called
me and... I just can't be alone." She gave a grunt of laughter.
"It's kind of like your reversing project. I reversed right back to
Alex. I know it's awful, but I'm not as strong as you."

"Alex isn't right for me but maybe he is for
you. And I said yes to Loren, remember. I'm not so strong
either."

"Yeah, but he's great. Alex is..." Her blush
deepened. "I guess I shouldn't say stuff like that to you."

I smiled. "Hey, I broke up with him this
time. I know how annoying he can be." I put my hand on her arm.
"But are you okay with this?"

She sighed. "I can't face that party alone.
And if I bring Jay or Loren Henry will know it's a pity date. He
likes Alex, so he might leave me alone."

What an awful reason to take a guy back. "I
hope he does."

She tried to smile but it didn't work. "I
hope you and Loren will be great together. And I think that's way
more likely to come true than what I want."

Loren and I spent every possible moment
together over the weekend and the first half of the next week,
talking and laughing when Martin was around and adding cuddling and
kissing when he took his nap and left us alone. I loved how Loren's
kisses made me feel both physically and emotionally. Even when the
hunger between us was overwhelming there was always sweetness too,
and sweetness in his hugs and his smiles and the way he looked at
me even when we sat on the couch watching TV with his dad. Loren
really liked me, I could tell. And I really liked him too.

But.

When we weren't together, I felt strange,
felt like I'd been in a huge room and now the walls were slowly
closing in on me. I still had some space to move around but it was
getting smaller all the time, and I was afraid of being
crushed.

I couldn't bear to think of leaving him.
Already we were so close and so happy together. It was only when we
were apart that things felt wrong. I was able to think, then, about
how far I'd come since Alex dumped me and how much further I wanted
to go, and to wonder whether I could go there with Loren in my
life. But I hated thinking of
not
having him in my life, and
so I stayed with him whenever I could so I couldn't think too
much.

I skipped knit night to be with him, and
found myself wishing the musical theater wasn't on break so I could
distract myself with it when he took Martin to his Alzheimer's
group Tuesday night. Instead I spent the evening scrubbing my
apartment then went to bed early.

On Wednesday afternoon, my entire department
went to a seminar, part of a series put on every few months by a
Toronto data analyst organization. I didn't want to go, since I
knew Anna and Gary and the rest of my old team would be there and I
didn't particularly want to see them, but Dana insisted we all
attend.

Loren and I had agreed to behave ourselves at
work, not wanting to be that annoying couple making everyone else
uncomfortable in the office, but as we walked into the seminar he
caught my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. When I looked over, he
smiled and said softly, "Three hours here and then I take you out
for dinner."

I smiled back. He'd again asked the caretaker
to cover for him, and while I felt bad that he wasn't getting his
usual time with his dad I was happy to be with him and not rattling
around at home trying not to think. "I'll be counting the
hours."

I did, too. I'd attended this seminar in the
past with my old team and it had been boring then, but today's
session reached new highs, or lows, of dullness. Though there were
two presenters, one man and one woman, they somehow managed to be
equally boring in different ways. Dana fell asleep at one point and
had to be woken by a struggling-not-to-snicker Wendy, and the rest
of us weren't far behind.

A bit before the end time, the female
presenter said, "Now, let's get to the part I'm sure you've all
been waiting for."

"Home time?" Loren whispered hopefully, and I
stifled a giggle.

"Our long-time attendees know we used to
offer awards for the most well-done analytic projects. We've
decided to start again, so today we'll be presenting three
awards."

I wrote, "Not home time," on my note page and
pushed it to Loren, who read it then gave me a pouty face.

I half-listened and half-daydreamed about
going back to that delicious spicy restaurant for dinner as the
first two awards were discussed and presented, then looked over at
Loren in surprise when I heard him draw in a quick breath. He
didn't look at me; he was studying the presenter.

Confused, I listened, and immediately knew
what had him so attentive. The project being discussed was
undoubtedly our recent triumph. The presenter gave a glowing
account of the tight deadline and complicated techniques, then
said, "And it's even more impressive given that the two analysts
involved have only just started working together. From KeySys
Analysis, Andrea Forsythe and Loren Brown."

Dana gave a whoop, and I laughed and hugged
her before heading to the stage with Loren. We were both given a
small plaque and an envelope by the male presenter, while the woman
said, "You've each won a year's membership to the Toronto Analyst
Group and a gift certificate to Toronto's Magma restaurant.
Congratulations on an excellent project."

We posed for a picture with the two speakers,
and as we moved toward the stage stairs to return to our seats I
couldn't resist running my eyes over the audience in search of my
old bosses. My gaze met Anna's, and she nodded at me, her face full
of surprise and clearly impressed. I glanced at Gary, who looked
like Anna had just told him off for losing me, and gave him a
smile, then followed Loren back to my new team.

The meeting broke up then, and Dana hugged me
and Loren and said, "I hoped you'd win. You both worked so
hard."

"Thanks for putting us up for the award,"
Loren said, and I nodded.

As we all left, Loren leaned in and said to
me, "Two gift certificates? We'll have a great dinner there
tonight. And maybe even tomorrow and the next night too."

I tipped my head sideways and let it rest
against his strong shoulder for a moment. I needed comfort all of a
sudden. "Sounds good."

Loren leaned back in his chair, rubbing his
hand over his mouth. "You're sure?"

I nodded because I didn't think I could
speak.

He dropped his hand to the table, close to
mine but not touching. "I can't say I'm happy about this."

"Me either," I whispered.

His hand moved to cover mine. "Then..."

I pulled away and cleared my throat to push
away the tears. "I just can't. I went from my parents to Alex and
now to you. I haven't been myself, on my own. I think I need
to."

I'd been fighting the rising realization that
I wasn't ready to be with Loren for nearly a week, but last night
I'd lost. We'd spent the evening together watching TV with his dad
and then kissing and snuggling after Martin went to bed, and while
I'd loved both parts I'd walked into my apartment and
known
I needed to have a real relationship with myself, as an adult,
before I could have one with him.

"We could take a break, maybe? Stay away from
each other for a month or two. Whatever you need."

I wanted to jump at that but knew I couldn't.
"I don't think it'll work if there's a deadline on it. I hate this
so much. You have no idea--"

"Oh, I think I do."

I swallowed hard at the pain and confusion in
his voice. "Okay, you probably do. But I do hate it, and I wish it
didn't have to be this way. But I honestly think it does. I'm not
in the right place for a relationship right now."

He nodded slowly. "I guess after all those
years with one guy you'd want to get a little variety. I
understand. Just be careful, okay?"

I stared at him for a second before it sank
in. "No! Loren, no, it's not about that at all. I'm not wanting to
go out with tons of guys or anything like that. Not any guys." I
shook my head. "I don't want anybody but... but you."

He rubbed his forehead. "I'm trying, but I
don't get this. If you want to be with me, and I want to be with
you, then what's the problem?"

I tried with every last drop of my energy to
convince myself there
was
no problem. My gut knew better,
though, and I had to say, "I'm just not ready." I looked into his
eyes, my heart twisting at the sadness there. "I so wish I was, but
I'm not. I need to be myself for a while before I can really be
with someone else. I've heard it'll take me seven years to be over
Alex." My stomach tightened, feeling strangely empty and cold, at
the thought. Seven years. "I hope not, but I do need some time.
Serious time."

"I'll wait for you."

I had to fight back a sob. "Oh, Loren. You're
killing me. You deserve so much better than waiting around for me
to figure things out."

He pushed back his chair and stood beside the
table. "I couldn't do better than you." He cupped my face in both
hands, then bent down to give me the sweetest and most beautiful
kiss I could ever imagine. "We'll always have that," he said softly
when his lips left mine. "You and me, in the rain."

I couldn't hold back the tears then. My last
kiss for ages, maybe even forever, from the best man I'd ever
know.

He brushed a tear from my cheek. "I'll see
you upstairs. I'll be professional, I promise. We'll be fine
working together."

I watched him walk away, then wiped my eyes
and sat finishing my coffee and trying to recapture the certainty
I'd felt the night before. I'd done the right thing, hadn't I? It
felt terrible, but it was right. Wasn't it?

I decided that it was. I hated it, but I
needed the time alone. Maybe someday we'd be able to be together,
but for now I needed to be single, be Andrea not part of
Lorenandandrea. We'd go back to being friends and colleagues and
everything would be fine.

It wasn't fine. Not even close.

Seeing him every day hurt more than I could
have imagined. He was as good as his word, staying completely
professional and almost never letting me see his feelings for me. I
caught him sometimes, though, watching me at meetings when he
thought I wouldn't notice, and the emotion in his eyes stabbed me
in the heart every time. I knew how he felt, even when he wasn't
showing it, and I felt the same way and I hated it. But I couldn't
be with him either. It was tearing me apart.

After a week of agonizing work sessions and
crying myself to sleep every night, I got an email from Anna asking
me to meet her in the coffee shop. Surprised, I went, and was
shocked to be offered my old job back.

"We should never have listened to Tina," she
said, staring down at the table. "You'd been perfectly reliable for
years and I should have known you hadn't changed. We'd love to have
you back on the team."

Tina's disastrous performance at the
conference could only have made me look amazing by comparison, and
no doubt the award Loren and I had won had influenced Anna too. It
was awfully tempting. Back to the job I'd given up, away from
Loren's pain and the clearly uncomprehending head shakes my new
coworkers kept giving me over my refusal to date him. Back to where
I'd been.

My stomach felt empty and cold despite the
hot chocolate I was drinking. I'd been listening hard to myself
since I broke up with Loren, trying to learn to trust my gut as
Mark had suggested, even testing it by trying to choose between two
things and seeing what seemed to fit me best. I was beginning to
learn my signals, and this one did
not
mean I was on the
right track. "Anna, let me think about it, okay? I'll email you
tomorrow."