A Life That Fits (30 page)

She blinked, obviously having expected me to
jump at the chance to come back, but said, "Of course."

She left, and I sat drinking my hot chocolate
and thinking. It hurt to see Loren. I also knew it would hurt not
to see him. I wasn't sure which would be worse.

Did I want to go back to DataSource, to Anna
and Gary and the knowledge that they'd thrown aside their years of
knowing me for a few weeks of Tina's lies? Yes, Anna had admitted
she'd made a mistake, but she hadn't acknowledged how badly it had
hurt me, not just professionally but personally, to be treated that
way. I wanted her to, I realized, wanted her to care.

Dana cared. She hadn't said anything to me
about Loren but I knew she knew and I could tell she was sad for
us. I'd never had a boss who cared as much as she did, and though
she was probably certifiably insane she was also the best boss I'd
ever had.

I won't go back to DataSource.

I waited for my body's reaction. My stomach
settled down immediately. All right.

I will leave my current job, though.

Cold and empty made their reappearance.

I drummed my fingers on the table. Really?
Sure, I'd lose Dana as a boss, but there were other great bosses
out there. And it'd be so much easier not to see Loren.

My stomach didn't agree, apparently.

I'll stay.

It liked that one.

I shook my head. Could my gut be wrong? Why
would staying, seeing Loren every day, be better for me than
leaving?

My stomach didn't have words to answer that
one, but there was no doubt it believed it.

I sighed.

"Andrea?"

I looked up and my heart skipped a beat.
"Hi."

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course." I pushed out a chair with my
foot so Loren could sit down.

Our eyes met and we sat in silence, just
taking each other in, for one perfect moment.

Then he shattered it. "I'm leaving the
group."

I tried to form various words but none of
them came out. Finally I managed, "Really?"

He nodded. "Dana's got a friend on the tenth
floor who needs another analyst, and I'm transferring up there. I
just think it'll be easier."

I cupped my hands over my mouth and spoke
through them. "I'm so sorry." I dropped my hands to the table so
he'd be sure to hear me say, "You shouldn't have to leave. You've
been there for ages and it's been great for you. I should be the
one to go."

My stomach twisted but I ignored it. It
wasn't fair any other way.

Loren shook his head. "Actually, I think I
need a change. It's not you." He gave me a wry smile. "Okay, a lot
of it's you. But I
have
been there for ages, and I want to
shake things up a little. I think it's time."

I'd wondered whether seeing him or not seeing
him would hurt more. Looking at him now, imagining my days without
him, I felt sure I knew. "When?" I cleared my throat. "When will
you be going?"

Those gorgeous eyes sweet and soft and sad,
he said, "I asked to leave as soon as possible. Tomorrow's my last
day."

*****

Sitting calmly at Loren's goodbye party was
the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Though he'd said he needed a
change, I knew he was mostly leaving the group because of me and I
felt terrible about it. Knowing I wouldn't be seeing him any more
felt even worse, and knowing if I'd just been
ready
none of
this would have happened made me want to run screaming from the
conference room.

Dana had brought a cake, and we sat around
chatting for about half an hour at the end of the day, studiously
not mentioning Loren's departure. Even though it was a party for
him and we all knew it, nobody seemed to want to acknowledge why we
were there.

Eventually, though, Dana sighed and said,
"We'll miss you, Loren. Things won't be the same without you."

She had that right, to be sure. I didn't feel
like anything would ever be the same again.

He smiled at her. "I'll miss you too. All of
you." His smile faded. "I should head out now, though. Dad's
caretaker needs to leave right on time today."

My heart started to race.
Don't go,
please.

My coworkers all hugged him, even Jay giving
him an awkward back-slapping one, then Dana grabbed him and
squeezed him tight. She whispered something to him, and he
whispered something back and she hugged him even harder. Then she
released him and he stood alone.

Looking at me.

If we'd had an audience of thousands I
wouldn't have been able to restrain myself, so a few coworkers
didn't even register. This was the last time I'd get to touch him,
the last time I'd feel those arms around me, and I was moving
toward him before I consciously decided to go.

He came forward, meeting me halfway, and
folded me into his embrace, and I held on and fought hard not to
cry. He felt so
perfect
. Why, why couldn't I be ready?

But even though the pain of his leaving, I
knew I wasn't. I couldn't see him all the time and still become who
I was meant to be.

What about
some
time, though? Couldn't
I see him every other day or something?

Hope flared through me but I crushed it. How
could I ask him to see me on a schedule and then ignore him the
rest of the time? What kind of relationship would that be?

My stomach and heart churning at losing him,
I squeezed him even tighter, and I felt him do the same. Then his
lips brushed my forehead and he whispered, "Take care."

"You too," I managed to choke out, then I had
to let him go.

He stepped back further, as if afraid he'd
grab me again. "Well. Bye, guys."

"Bye," everyone echoed, while I stood silent
and let my eyes take him in one last time, then he turned and left
the room.

After a brief silence, Wendy turned to me.
"You okay?"

I pressed my fingers to my lips so I wouldn't
scream for Loren to come back, and shook my head. I was so far from
okay I couldn't see it from where I was.

Dana put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry.
I thought you guys could make it work."

The others stood looking at me in silent
sympathy, and though I appreciated their concern it was tearing me
up inside. I pulled in a deep shuddering breath, praying I wouldn't
start sobbing. "I wish we could."

"Isn't there..."

Everyone turned to look at Jay. He flushed
but said, "He obviously likes you, and you like him, right? So I
don't get it."

I'd never be able to explain it to him. Loren
had barely understood it, and we were far more attuned to each
other than Jay and I could ever be. "It won't work."

"But--"

"I can't do this. I just can't. Please
stop."

The raw pain in my voice startled us all to
silence. I'd never heard myself sound that way, but then I'd never
felt that way either. Not even Alex's departure, either of his
departures, had left me feeling like I'd been shredded inside, like
half my soul had been torn out.

Jay nodded. "Sorry. Didn't mean to--"

"It's okay. It's not your fault." And it
wasn't.

"Maybe we should get back to work, or at
least pack up to go home," Dana said softly. Everyone nodded and
left, no doubt glad to escape my emotions.

Everyone except Wendy.

Dana patted me on the head as she left, and I
had to smile. When Wendy and I were alone, I said, "Does she think
I'm a puppy?"

"She might," Wendy said. "You never know with
her. Look, how can I help?"

I didn't have a clue. "It's so
hard
,
you know? I do like him. I like him a lot. I think he's perfect for
me. But I'm not ready to be with him. Or anyone."

She nodded slowly. "Then you have to run with
that. When you know what's right for you, don't back down. It
doesn't work."

By her last words the pain in her voice
rivaled what I'd felt earlier, and I put my own issues aside.
"What's wrong? Is it..." I didn't want to assume Alex was her
problem.

I might as well have. "Alex is apparently
modeling himself after Henry now. I
hate
it, and..." She
rubbed her forehead. "To be honest, I think I'm starting to hate
him. But that damned party is in a week and I can't dump him now. I
know I'm not supposed to be with him, I can even imagine my perfect
man and he so isn't Alex, but I can't go to that party alone. And I
hate that I know what I should do and I don't have the guts. You're
so doing the right thing."

I sighed. "Even though it's killing me and
Loren?"

She considered this, then nodded again.
"Yeah. Even though. Because when you know what's right you have to
do it. I just wish I could."

"You will. After the party."

She grimaced. "Will I? Or will I find another
excuse not to?"

"Think of your perfect man. That'll do
it."

She gave me a weak smile. "I doubt he
exists."

"Let's pretend he does. Tell me about
him."

She raised an eyebrow.

"We both need cheering up. Make with the
perfect man already." No need to describe mine, she already knew
him.

"Oh, fine." She shut her eyes. "Physically I
don't care that much, but I do like them tall and at least somewhat
cute. I like blonds too, obviously since I went after Alex, but
that's not a requirement or anything."

Mark, tall and blond and definitely cute,
flashed into my mind. "Good start. What else?"

Eyes still closed, she sighed. "You know in
those old movies, how...
chivalrous
the guys are? I would so
love a bit of that. I don't need a knight in shining armor or any
of that. Just a good decent man. And elegant, you know? A classy
man. There are no classy men left."

There might be one. And I'd make sure he met
Wendy. Then maybe at least my friends would be happy.

I called Mark that night, only to learn he
was on his way out the door for a business trip.

"Bummer, I wanted you to meet my friend
Wendy."

He chuckled. "If she's anything like you, I
want to meet her too. Back in a week, okay? I'll call you, and
maybe we can all get together on the weekend."

"Sounds good."

And he was gone, leaving me to my own
devices. Whatever those were.

I took a long hot bath and cried through most
of it, then dried my body and my tears. I'd been crying and
miserable for too long. I'd left Loren so I could live my life
instead. No more tears. Time to go live it.

I went to Tim Hortons for a coffee, not
wanting to go to Starbucks where I had so many memories of Loren,
and made a list of activities I'd like to try. Then I started
trying them.

I went horseback riding Saturday afternoon
since I'd never been, and though my thighs and butt were so sore I
was nearly unable to sit down for days after I did enjoy it,
although I didn't so much enjoy trying to bellydance with an aching
lower half.

While my body was recovering, I took a Sunday
morning seminar at the yarn store on spinning my own yarn and soon
had a ball of lumpy purple yarn I'd created myself. I made equally
lumpy fingerless mitts from it, and though calling them homely
would be charitable I loved them.

I contacted the woman I'd met walking her
cat, and she came over with Big Buck and helped me get Harrison
used to a harness. He took to it quickly, and the two cats got
along surprisingly well so the four of us went for coffee at a
cat-friendly shop she knew and sat chatting and enjoying the praise
our well-behaved cats got from the other patrons. We agreed to go
every few weeks, and her "I'm so glad you called" had the ring of
truth to it. I'd made another new friend.

Randomly picking books from the bookstore and
library shelves, I read books by authors I'd never heard of about
topics I'd never thought would interest me, and was surprised to
discover I enjoyed horror novels. I hated the movies but liked the
books. No idea why, but I did. I liked them so much I even joined a
Sunday morning horror-reading group. My first session with them was
great, so I bought their next few reading selections and was soon
gleefully scaring myself at every opportunity.

The 'shoe guy', Tom, had emailed me back to
say he definitely wanted to give me a pair of boots but the ones I
liked were out of stock, but a few days after Loren left the group
he emailed again to say he now had a pair for me. I asked him to
let me see them, and also named ten other pairs on his site that
seemed possible. He suggested we meet at Starbucks, and I agreed
reluctantly since I'd have to go there sometime, then he stood
outside his car and watched as I sat on the driver's seat in my
brown skirt and top and tried on all eleven pairs of boots.

Despite his good-natured teasing, I took my
time and tried various pairs more than once until I was sure I
loved the original pair I'd asked for. They hugged my legs and
didn't pinch my feet anywhere, and I felt strong and sexy walking
around his car in them. I'd be wearing them a lot, I could already
tell.

"They do look great with that skirt," he said
as I helped him pack the others away. "They were definitely made
for you. But you tried them first, you know. We could be inside
drinking hot chocolate by now if you'd gone with them right
away."

"But now I know they're right, because I
tried all the possibilities." My stomach twinged cold and empty and
I wondered why then realized I hadn't eaten for a while. "But I do
like the sound of some hot chocolate."

We went in, my new heels clicking assertively
on the tile floor, and Tom insisted on buying our drinks and a
cookie each. After chatting for a while, he asked me if I had a
boyfriend then asked me to go out for dinner with him.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I'm really
not interested in dating at the moment."