Defining Love: Volume 3 (Defining Love #3) (4 page)

“Afraid?” I asked, my stomach turning but not in that good way
anymore.

“Yeah.” He smiled weakly. “I’ve been afraid to admit my real
feelings and then realize I made a mistake. But it’s time to man up and let her
go. She’ll find someone she’ll make happy and who can make her happier than I
can. She’s a good woman with an excellent head on her shoulders, and she’s
beautiful.” He let out a bitter laugh and let his head fall back. “She’s just
not the one for me.”

I took a deep breath, willing the boulder in my throat away. It’d
begun to suffocate me with each word he spoke, and I refused to have another
emotional episode in front of this man. Not here. Not in his room. But I did
feel the incredible urge to admit something.

“I’ve been hoping too.” He lifted his head and stared at me but
said nothing, so I took a deep breath and went on, determined not to do
anything stupid like cry. “You, uh . . .” I cleared my throat. “You asked me
yesterday about why it’d taken so long for Edi and me to get together, and
that’s because, even though we’ve been best friends for years, I didn’t know
she was gay until just a few weeks before this past Christmas.”

As I had been earlier, he seemed stunned but still didn’t say
anything. I explained about the parties we’d gone to and how at first I thought
it was just crazy college stuff. We’d made out for the sake of going along with
all the other girls getting crazy at those parties.

“One of the first things Edi had said to me when we moved out
here was, while she had every intention of taking her education and scholarship
very seriously, she wanted the full experience of college. She said I should
too—embrace the crazy parties and enjoy our college years as long as we were
responsible about it—because her older siblings had told her before she knew it
they’d be over. So that’s what I thought we were doing at first. But then she
came out to me and confessed she’s been in love with me for years.”

I told him how things started to change after she admitted to
being in love with me. How I’d been terrified of losing her and how she’d been
hesitant when I was the one who suggested we could try to make it work. That I
was willing to try a romantic relationship, but she was adamant it was too big
of a risk.

“She consented to what was supposed to be a one-night thing only
because she said she’d been dreaming about it happening for so long. But after
that, things
did
start to change. In the privacy of our own apartment,
she was acting more like a loving girlfriend than my bestie. While we’d only
slept together the one time, the embraces and kisses were definitely far more
intimate than that of two girls who were
just
friends. I wasn’t sure
what to think, and since I was so afraid of losing her, I just went along with
it. Then she left for the holidays.”

I told him about my night of decorating with Cole and how Gemma
interpreted his being there with me that night as a romantic evening for us.
“She told Edi when she got back that she’d met my boyfriend Cole at our
apartment.” Aaron winced and I did too, nodding. “Yeah,” I said, feeling the
chills suddenly. “It was pretty bad. In all the years I’ve known Edi, the only
times I’ve seen or heard her cry have been over me. First, when she confirmed
that I wasn’t gay as she’d held out hope for especially after we made out at
that party and then later again at our place. Then on the phone when she called
to ask me about my
boyfriend
Cole.”

The very memory of how hurt she’d been made my heart ache. Having
this conversation with Aaron, finally telling someone about this, felt so damn
liberating. It’s what I needed, but at the same time it was eye-opening.
Terrifying. Hearing Aaron put into perspective the way he felt about his
relationship with Mia made complete sense.

It was exactly what Edi and I had been doing all this time.
Hoping
.
Even if I tried to justify it by telling myself Edi must know it wasn’t going
to work, we’d both always known. Like Mia, Edi was likely hoping our love would
conquer even the most impossible of obstacles. And just like Aaron couldn’t
help not feeling for Mia what he knew she wanted him to, I couldn’t either.

“I’m just grateful now that in all the years we were together,”
he said pensively, “we never got pregnant. I probably would’ve been miserable,
but I would’ve just hung in there for the kid’s sake.”

“Really?” I asked a bit surprised. “Forever? Even if you weren’t
happy?”

He nodded as if he had no doubt about that.

“That thought had actually crossed my mind about you and Mia.
That it was odd, for as long as you two have been together, you didn’t at least
have a kid yet. In this day and age, that’s so common now. So she never got
pregnant?”

“If she had, I’d be a dad,” he said.

He explained about the one scare they’d had long ago when they were
very young, and even then abortion was never an option.

“It’s not about religion either,” he explained. “I’m not one of
those pro-lifers who go around trying to impose my beliefs on others. Those
people irritate the shit out of me. To each his own. If my own sister decided
to abort a baby, I’d support her and never judge her for it. This is just
my
personal thing, something I’ve always known would gnaw at me forever. I was
always upfront with Mia about it, so she knew if it ever happened, no matter
how young we were or what the circumstances between us were, I’d want her to
have it.” He shrugged. “She always said she didn’t want kids until we were
married, and knowing how I felt is probably why she’d been so careful and it
never happened.”

It occurred to me, as I listened to him speak of yet another
thing he clearly felt passionate about, that maybe he should be worried. If Mia
had been growing anxious in the last several weeks and she knew this about him,
maybe this might be a way to hold on to him. I’d heard of girls doing it with
guys they had so much less time invested in. Mia had
ten whopping years
invested in Aaron, her
fiancé
who’d been showing serious signs of
wanting out. Some might actually consider it the smart thing to do. Though Mia
didn’t strike me as someone who would think that way. Maybe that’s why Aaron
didn’t seem concerned, so I decided it was best not to even mention it.

I’d managed to get this far into our conversation without choking
up, but just the thought of having to make such a huge decision and the sooner
the better made my heart ache for Edi—for myself. I still didn’t know what I’d
do without my best friend in my life. But this reminded me of something, so I
focused on that instead.

“Do you remember that first conversation we had on New Year’s
Eve?” I asked

Our eyes met, and my breath caught because his gaze was as
intense as I’d only seen it a handful of times. “Of course.”

Those two little words held the weight of everything that had
been building between him and me, and I stared at him for a moment longer
before going on.

“Remember how I got a little . . . emotional during that
conversation?”

“I remember
everything
about that conversation,
Henrietta.” He gazed at me with the sweetest smile, turning my knotted-up
insides to mush again. “You were upset that Edi wasn’t speaking to you.”

“Yes.” I nodded, trying not to look as dreamy-eyed as he made me
feel. “But what made me emotional is you pointing out that you thought I was
more level-headed than Bea. You were sure I put more thought into any
life-altering decisions than she did, and I knew that night that, when Edi got
back from California, I was going to be making a huge decision that would
definitely change my life. I know now and I knew it then that I’d be making it
with my heart and not with my head.”

We were interrupted when room service knocked on the door with
the wine bottle on ice and nicer glasses than the ones we’d been using. Aaron
had just finished tipping the guy and was starting to pour us each a glass when
there was another knock at the door.

This time it was the pizza. The conversation was derailed
momentarily as we made small talk about the wine and the pizza, which was
delicious
.
I welcomed the break in topic because, despite it feeling so good to finally be
able to talk about all this, it’d begun to feel too heavy.

Aaron was in the middle of telling me about the best pizza he’d
ever had—in Chicago—when his phone rang, and his expression became noticeably
strained. He lifted the phone but sent it to voicemail. “I love my mom, but I’m
in no mood to listen to one of her lectures right now.”

I smiled and nodded in a show of understanding as I bit into my
slice of pizza. I thought maybe he was going to go back to his story of the
best pizza he’d ever had. It’s why I nearly spit out my pizza with his next
question.

“So, you’re not gay then?”

Chapter 14

Aaron

I hadn’t planned on saying anything tonight or maybe
ever
.
I was afraid it’d make things too uncomfortable. I was afraid she might think
it better if she quit and that I’d lose the chance to at least be friends with
her. But after the revelation Henrietta had just laid on me, I figured I had
to. It was clear now that what I’d thought I’d imagined feeling from her was
not all in my head, but even more important . . .

Henrietta wasn’t gay.

What’s more she’d practically said it. She was only with Edi
because she was afraid of losing her best friend. My heart went out to her
because I could completely relate to the grief I knew I’d feel once I lost
my
best friend. Only I had
other
friends. Tons of family members. Henrietta
had told me about her aunt in the past. They’d never been that close, so that’s
probably why Edi meant so much to her, but just like my relationship with Mia,
theirs was doomed too.

I could see it in Henrietta’s face. Hear it in her voice. She was
terrified.
Now
her overly emotional reaction on New Year’s Eve made even
more sense. I knew my admitting anything to her tonight about what I was
feeling for her was a risk, but not saying anything was an even bigger one.

This was no different from what I’d already wasted so many years
on. Saying I could continue to work with Henrietta as close as we’d been
working—taking more trips like this one and being able to keep my feelings for
her under wraps—was insane. There’s no way I’d ever be satisfied with just a
friendship with her. And waiting months, possibly years, pretending I wasn’t in
love with her was just as stupid as what I’d done with Mia.

So if telling her how I felt was going to ruin things between us,
then I may as well get the inevitable out of the way sooner than later. I
didn’t have to put it
all
out there. I shouldn’t yet anyway. I was still
technically engaged to Mia. But after tomorrow, I’d be a free man. I figured I
could at the very least start laying the ground work. Plant the seed.

She finished chewing and took another sip of her wine before
answering my question.

“No, I’m not,” she said, wiping her mouth. “I know that doesn’t
make any sense since I
am
in a relationship with my lesbian girlfriend,
but before her, I’d never been attracted to women. I’m still not. This type of
thing is not as uncommon as you might think though. It actually happens a lot.”
She glanced down and fidgeted with her napkin. “Sadly, I’ve known from the very
beginning the odds of things actually working out in the long run are slim to
none.”

“Well, I know all about being in a relationship for the wrong
reasons,” I said, taking another bite of my slice of pie.

I chewed quickly when I saw she was beginning to tear up and
suddenly I felt like a dick. As soon as I was able to swallow what was in my
mouth, I started to backpedal.

“I don’t mean to say yours can’t work out, Henri—”

“No.” She shook her head. “It’s true. I knew from the beginning
it was a huge risk that I might not be able to go through with such a change in
my life. I just wanted it to work so badly. I don’t know what I’d do without
her in my life.”

That last comment was barely a whisper, and she dabbed her eyes
with her napkin. I’d never felt such an urge to hug and kiss someone’s tears
away, but I didn’t trust myself. If I had her in my arms, I wasn’t sure I could
stop myself from trying to kiss her, and I was not about to take advantage of
her vulnerability.

“Do you really think she’d just cut you out of her life
completely if it doesn’t work out between the two of you?”

“I do,” she said, looking a little more composed now.

“Are you sure?” I offered. “Maybe if you two talk and you tell
her you tried
because
she means so much to you but you can’t. It’s just
not you, but you’d really like to stay friends. It may not ever be as it once
was, but you could maybe still keep in touch. I know it’s easier said than
done, but I’m going to at least propose the idea to Mia.”

She chuckled, suddenly surprising me, but I had to smile. When
she entered my room tonight looking so fresh faced and comfortable, yet still
as beautiful as ever, I knew I was in love. I’d never been so sure of anything
in my life. My dad had been right. I still wasn’t sure how to explain it, but I
loved everything about her. Even the tear-streaked, red-nosed, disheveled look
she was sporting at the moment.

“Good luck with that,” she said, pouring herself more wine. “Mia
seems like a real spitfire. I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but something
tells me she’d tell you where you could stick your
proposal.
Especially
given the fact that I’m sure she won’t be entirely convinced your breaking things
off with her has nothing to do with me.” She seemed to catch herself as her
eyes widened, and she brought her fingers over her mouth. “Maybe I should slow
down with the wine,” she said, pushing her glass away. “I didn’t mean to imply
that she’d be right—”

“She’s not—”

“I know,” she said before I could finish. “I just meant since
she’s already thinking that then—”

“She’s not entirely wrong either,” I said and waited a moment as
she stared at me silently. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not attracted to you,
Henrietta. How could I not be? I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable or
change things between us, but I’m just being honest. I’m not surprised Mia
picked up on it, but it’s not the reason why I’m breaking things off with her,
so please don’t look so alarmed.”

Her expression eased up, and I smiled, incredibly relieved.

“I’m not alarmed,” she said softly.

“Or surprised I’m sure.” I smirked, trying to play off how damned
nervous this conversation was making me, but I was determined to get through
it. “I’ve sure as hell had a hard time being discreet about it, but believe it
or not I’ve tried.”

“I’m flattered,” she said, glancing down at her napkin.

“I’m only telling you this because, after Bea let you know what
Mia was thinking, I’m sure you were wondering. I just thought I owed you an
explanation rather than let the question linger the way I’m sure it has since
she told you.”

I pushed her glass toward her, hoping she’d take a sip, because
she sure as shit looked as if she needed one now. If she’d started to catch a
buzz, I was certain my declaration had just killed it. She picked up the glass
and took a very small sip.

“I’ve never been good at lying, so I figured I may as well come
clean. I may not be breaking things off with Mia because of you, but you’re
partly the reason why I finally came to the conclusion that Mia really isn’t
the one for me. If I can still be this attracted to someone else, then
something’s wrong. But I mean it when I say I hope this doesn’t change anything
between us. This isn’t something I started feeling overnight. So I promise
things won’t change just because I’ve told you. Not for me anyway. I’ll
continue working with you just as I have all this time.”

“It doesn’t. It won’t change things for me either . . . ”she
began, visibly uncomfortable, making me cringe.

God damn it!

I was instantly second-guessing myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have
put it out there like that. Maybe I should’ve waited
a little
longer.
And then she continued.

“I
probably
will talk to Edi when I get back too. She’s
not such a spitfire as Mia.” She smiled meekly. “So I’ll see if I can work up
the nerve to
propose
what you suggested. Because it really is beginning
to feel like it’s inevitable. But in a way
if
I do, you’re also partly
the reason why I’d be doing it. Your
manning up
and letting Mia go even
after all the years you’ve been together is inspiring. It’s just so hard
because she’s
all
I have. I really don’t want to lose her friendship.”

Glad that she didn’t get up and excuse herself for the evening
after my admission and even more pleased that she was seriously considering
ending her relationship—because of me, even if that was different from doing it
for
me—I decided to play it safe and stick to a safer more comfortable
subject.

“How old were you exactly when you two met?”

For the next hour, or maybe it was longer, the time flew as she
told me all about how she first met Edi, everything they’d been through, and
how they’d grown so close. I didn’t think it possible, but hearing her candid
explanation of all the years she’d lived with the fear of losing her best
friend was heart-wrenching, yet it made me even more fascinated with her. I
hadn’t a single doubt now that I’d done the right thing by being honest about
my feelings for her. The entire time I sat there enthralled with her she
recounted her entire relationship with Edi, from the annoying moment Edi told
Gemma she could’ve made Henrietta’s first few days in her new school less
painful if she’d introduced them sooner, to the conversation she’d had with Edi
earlier in her hotel room.

I was still enjoying the afterglow of hearing her say today had
been perfect and feeling a little guilty about how good that felt despite that
she’d just admitted to feeling so disappointed that Edi hadn’t been as excited
as she’d hoped. Then her phone beeped.

Henrietta read whatever was sent to her, and she was quiet for
too long. She glanced up with a frown. “I should go.” Her smile was a somber
one. “I feel guilty. Edi knows what Mia thinks, and I know she wouldn’t be
thrilled that I’ve spent all this time with you here in your room tonight,
especially if she knew what we’d been discussing: my doubts about my
relationship with her. Plus, it’s late.”

She stood up so suddenly it caught me off guard. “Sure,” I said,
gathering myself quickly, and stood with her. “Our flight isn’t until later in
the afternoon tomorrow. Check out isn’t until noon. You can sleep in if you
want, and then we can go grab a bite to eat before heading to the airport.”

“Sleeping in sounds good.” She glanced at me with a smile. “Today
has been a long day, so I probably
will
be tired.”

I didn’t realize how closely I was following her until she
stopped suddenly at the doorway and I nearly collided with her. She turned
around to face me as I took a step back, but I was still so close to her that
my heart pounded.

“Thanks,” she said softly—sweetly. “I’ve never told anyone about
Edi and me, not even Gemma. So this was actually the first time I’ve ever
talked about it.” She smiled even bigger. “It felt really good to finally be
able to share with someone.”

“Anytime,” I said, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her.
“I’m here if you ever need to talk. About anything, at any time.”

She thanked me again before walking out. I stood at the door,
watching her until she’d opened her door down the hall. With one last glance
back, she waved with another sweet smile then mouthed the words “good night.”

Even that took my breath away.
Jesus,
I had it bad.

~~~

The next morning I tried to sleep in. The day before
actually
had
been a long one, and having not slept much the night
before, I really was feeling tired, but I couldn’t sleep. I’d been tossing and
turning since about six a.m., and it was past seven now. I just couldn’t stop
thinking about everything that’d happened in the last forty-eight hours alone.

More than anything, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Henrietta
and I had discussed last night. She wasn’t gay. She was seriously considering
ending her relationship with Edi, and now she knew how I felt. The fact that
ending my ten-year relationship tonight was a distant last in the order of
importance of all my thoughts was shameful, but it couldn’t be helped.

I kept obsessing about how my admitting my feelings for Henrietta
had come across to her. Did I make it sound as if it were just a physical
attraction? Saying it was just a physical thing couldn’t be further from the
truth. I could kick myself now if that’s how I’d made it sound. I’d suspected
for weeks now that what I was feeling for her was precisely what my father had
spoken about all those years ago. Something I’d begun to think maybe not
everyone feels when they’re in love. But after last night, I was certain it
was.

What I was going to do with the new information I had was the
real question now. She still seemed unwilling to risk losing her good friend,
and I couldn’t blame her. As much as I believed now that I hadn’t imagined her
feeling something for me, she hadn’t admitted to anything last night. Of
course, that could be because she was still undecided about what she was really
going to do about Edi. She did say she felt guilty just talking to me about
her. Saying my feelings for her were requited while we sat in my hotel room
sharing a bottle of wine, would be a hundred times worse.

I sat up on the edge of my bed, giving up on trying to sleep in.
Maybe I’d go down and get some coffee and the paper. I could see I had several
message indicators on my phone, and I dreaded checking them. My mom had likely
left a long-winded voicemail, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I had some from
Mia, maybe even Bea. But my heart thudded when I saw the name on one of the
unopened texts.
Henrietta.
I immediately clicked on it and read it.

Are you awake?

I checked the time it was sent, cursing myself for having set my
phone to silent last night. I hadn’t even considered the possibility of her
calling or texting. I just didn’t want to be bothered with calls from Mia or
anyone else.

To my relief, she’d sent the text just twenty minutes earlier. So
I responded not, bothering to explain my delay in response. Just sent the one
word.
Yes
. Her name lit up my screen again with an incoming call and
that alarmed me. Why would she be calling this early? I nearly dropped the
phone, trying to answer so fast.