Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (25 page)

Your back-up plan doesn’t necessarily have to be the
answer to, “What should I do if my date turns out to be an axe-murder?” 
Your back-up plan simply needs to be there for you in the event that
anything
unexpected or inconvenient happens.  Your back-up plan should, at the
very least, include knowing some important phone numbers and having ready
access to emergency cash.

Most of us have gotten so used to being able to
store important phone numbers in our cell phones, that we rarely memorize even
our most commonly called numbers, anymore.  How many of us would know how
to contact our friends or extended family members if our cell phones were lost
or
taken away from us?
   If you have a poor memory for such
things, you might want to secrete a few important phone numbers somewhere that
would be accessible and available to you in
any
emergency.  While
in the military, I actually knew a few people who had important numbers
unobtrusively
tattooed
somewhere on their bodies.  

Learning how to get ready access to emergency cash
if your wallet or purse is lost or stolen can be
exceedingly difficult,
but it
is
possible.  Some banks, for example, have pre-scanned your
identification into their computer system and so may not require you to show ID
in order to conduct a financial transaction.  Tellers are able to just
pull it up on their computer monitors.  Find out if your bank has a similar
system.  Many credit card issuers have special programs that are designed
to help you out in the event that your wallet and credit cards are
stolen.  Give this problem some thought
before
it becomes an
emergency.
 

Have Someone Check On You

Having someone check on you is critical.  By
having a friend or associate place a phone call to you at some point during
your meeting, you greatly increase the odds that (1) you’ll be missed, should
you disappear, (2) you’ll get timely assistance, if you need it and (3) the person
you’re meeting will realize that there is someone out there watching out for
you.  This knowledge
could
make him think twice about any plans to
harm you.

Your arrangement of a safety check phone call should
also include plans for what is commonly referred to as a “duress signal.” 
A duress signal is a code-word that only you and your friend know, which tells
your friend that she should immediately contact the police.  Duress
signals are designed to be used when someone is forcing you to lie and claim that
everything is okay.  To arrange a safety check and duress signal, simply
tell a friend, “I’m meeting someone for the first time this evening. Would you
please do me a huge favor and call my cell phone at around 7 PM?  If I say
anything about my
dog
, then you know you should call the police,
since
we both know I don’t own a dog.”
  

If you are not fortunate enough to have a friend or
family member who can be trusted to check on you with a phone call, the next
best thing is to
simulate one. 
This can be accomplished in a
number of ways.  Perhaps the easiest, if you have a smartphone, is to
download and use a free application that
simulates
receiving a phone
call, often complete with a phony caller ID.  These applications are typically
used as pranks or to give busy people a plausible reason to bail out of a
boring meeting, but it can also be used to create the illusion that someone is
checking up on you.  That, in turn, could save your life someday.

Another way to create the
illusion
of
receiving a check-up phone call is to use your smartphone to
call yourself
from
an internet phone service such as Skype, AOL, Yahoo, or Google-Talk.  Most
of these services have the option to make calls to a landline or cell phone,
and though those options may not always be free, they usually cost just a few
cents per call.

There are also a lot of web sites where you can
register to receive free
wake-up calls. 
They are designed
primarily for people who are traveling and want to be awakened to catch a
flight, or to make an early meeting, but they work just as well when you are
wide awake and simply need your phone to ring at a specified time.  To
learn more about these services, just Google “wake up calls.” 

There’s another thing you really should know about
your safety and phone calls.  Depending on where you are, and your
particular service provider, calling 911 from a cell phone
may not always
work
the way it would if you were calling from a landline.  FCC
regulations require that all wireless carriers transmit mobile 911 calls to
"a Public Safety Answering Point” (PSAP), but
doesn’t
require that
the agency be
local
or even associated with
emergency services. 
Additionally, calling 911 from a landline typically provides the dispatcher
with your
exact location
; calling 911 from a mobile phone provides them
only with the location of the
nearest cell phone tower.
  What that
means is you need to know how to tell an emergency dispatcher
where you are
by providing an address, landmarks, or street intersections. 

Finally, if you’ll be traveling to another city for
your first meeting, use Google to find the phone number for the local police
dispatcher there, and program that number into your phone for quick reference.

Be Willing to Make a Fool of
Yourself

There is a rule of thumb that I’ve tried to follow
for most of my life, ever since reading an article about what it takes to
survive crimes, accidents, and disasters.  The article examined the
differences between the people who
survived
life-threatening situations,
such as muggings or plane crashes, and those who
didn’t
survive. 
Somewhat surprisingly, the critical difference between the survivors and those
who didn’t survive turned out to be a
willingness to react as if their lives
depended upon it.
 In other words, the people who were more concerned
with
staying alive
than they were with
looking foolish
tended to
be the people who lived to talk about it.  Consequently, my rule of thumb
became: 
When in doubt or in possible danger, be willing to make a fool
of yourself.
   

Trust your gut.  Do whatever it takes to secure
your safety.  Don’t agree to
anything
that doesn’t feel right to
you, no matter how much you may want to avoid being embarrassed or embarrassing
the other person.  Don’t worry about looking foolish, or about making a
scene.  The attention you draw
just might determine whether you live or
die.
  When your instincts tell you that you are in danger,
do the
unexpected
.  Make some noise.  Fight back.  Throw something
through a window.  Disable your vehicle or strike another vehicle with
your car if you’re being forced to drive somewhere.  If you want to
increase your odds of surviving a life-threatening situation, then you need to
be willing to put up a fight or, at the very least,
call some attention to
yourself.
   Looking foolish should be the
least of your
worries
, at that point.  No one ever
really
ever dies of
embarrassment.

An Ounce of Insurance

No, you’re not going to find an actual
insurance
policy
that covers first meetings that go horribly wrong.  You
can,
however, get a great deal more mileage out of some of the
other
safety
precautions you’ve taken, if the person you’re meeting is
aware
that
you’re taking precautions.  You definitely don’t want to reveal the
details of every safety precaution planned, but there’s certainly nothing wrong
with casually informing your new friend that you
are
taking some. 
If your new friend truly has your best interests at heart, he will be
glad
that
you’re taking a smart and cautious approach.  On the other hand, if he was
hoping you’d be an easy target,
he now knows otherwise.
  Think of
it as a final bit of insurance that helps to
prevent
bad things from
happening.

After the meeting, assuming you both survived and
perhaps even had a great time, you’ll probably have some
decisions
to
make.   The first should be coming to a mutual understanding, if not
agreement, in answering the question,
“What just happened?”
  It can
be awfully easy to simply assume that because
you
had a great time that your
partner did too
, or that because it seemed obvious to
you
that
the two of you
didn’t
click, that it was just as obvious to your
partner. 

Differing perspectives, needs, and desires sometimes
have a way of spawning completely different
interpretations
of the same
events.  The key to doing this successfully is to be frank and to avoid
simply telling your partner what he or she
wants to hear. 
Considering
the fact that what you say now could end up being the foundation of your future
real-life relationship, this is definitely not a good time to start
sugar-coating the truth.

If you are able to come to some measure of mutual
understanding about
what just happened
, the next logical step is to
figure out
what it means. 
For
some
people, a successful
meeting might mean that
everything changes. 
For some, it may be
interpreted as a signal that you’ve crossed a significant
threshold
in
the development of your relationship.  Still others may feel that
nothing
has changed as a result.  Don’t allow the
success
of your
meeting lead to a
misunderstandin
g that could undermine your
relationship.  Conversely, if the meeting
wasn’t
successful, it
probably won’t be hard to figure out what
that
means.

You should also be aware of a well-documented
psychological phenomenon called
“buyer’s remorse.”
   It
typically occurs after someone has made a major
purchase,
and then
immediately begins to wonder if he
made the right choice.
  He
worries that he could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere, whether it’s the right
model, color or size, and about whether or not he can really afford it. 
In short, the buyer is quite simply
overwhelmed with doubts
about the
wisdom of his decision.  The very same thing can happen
after even the
most successful first meeting.
  If it happens to you or to your
partner,
don’t panic.
  It’s
perfectly normal. 
This
storm of self-doubt usually passes relatively quickly and, until it does, you
should try to avoid making any rash decisions.

A successful first meeting really
can
be the
first major milestone in a long and fulfilling D/s relationship, as long as
expectations and events are properly managed, safety precautions are taken, and
you have a mutual understanding of where you want your relationship to go from
there.  

May
all
your first meetings be great ones!

“Scrabble?
” 
Dee was struggling to contain her incredulity.  “You want me to bring
a
Scrabble game
to our first real-life meeting?  Don’t get me wrong,
Master... I really do love playing Scrabble with you, but...
seriously?”

I nodded toward the webcam and monitor that
connected us across the 1500 miles that separated us.  “Seriously,” I
replied.  I could see that she was fighting an almost irresistible urge to
ask
why
, but her training vanquished the impulse, and she responded with
a simple,
“Yes, Master.”

Three days later, I was on a flight from Texas to
North Carolina to meet Dee for the very first time.  We’d met online, and
in the course of the following six months, developed an open and trusting D/s
relationship.  Now, it was time to take the next step – to see whether our
online
chemistry would be able to survive the transition to
the real
world
.  During a flight layover in Atlanta, I texted, “Wear a nice
little sundress,
without panties.
  Bring a bottle of your favorite
wine.  Once I get there, I’ll call you to give you the name of the hotel
and room number.”

“Yes, Master,”
came
her reply. 

After the final leg of my flight and a short taxi
ride, I was finally at my hotel.  I dropped my luggage, and made the call. 
“I’m at the Holiday Inn, room 216.  The phone number to the room is (555)
626-0216.  Write that information down, and make an additional copy. 
One copy, you should bring with you, and the other, you should leave on your
kitchen table before you leave the house. 

I also want you to tell a trusted friend that you’re
meeting someone for the first time, and you’d like her to call your cell later
this evening.  Arrange a code word that only you two will know; something
that means,
“Help, I’m in trouble, call the police.”
 Please
do
not
tell me what that code word is.”

“Is all that really necessary, Master?” she
asked.  “I trust you.  I know you would never do anything to hurt
me.”  I told her
yes
, it was
absolutely
necessary. 

“Be here at 5 PM.  Oh, and by the way,” I
added, “I’d like to try something that I think will be fun.  There will be
no speaking
for our first hour together. 
Not one word.
 Think
you can do that?”  She chuckled, as if to say,
only you could come up
with something as crazy as that. 
Instead, she simply replied,
“Yes,
Master. 
I think I can do that.”

Three days later, as we lay entangled in the sheets
of the bed, Dee propped herself up on one elbow and asked, “Master, what made
you decide that we should spend our first hour together playing
charades?”
 
I laughed and said, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I really hate worrying
about what to say
when I meet someone for the first time.  So I
figured,
let’s just not say anything at all!” 

She giggled at that, then said, “And you told me to
bring Scrabble, but we never played!”  

I nodded.  “Oh,
that,”
I replied,
“Actually,
I never intended for us to play any Scrabble.  That was just your
security
blanket.
  I knew you loved Scrabble, so I made it your imaginary
emergency back-up plan.  It gave you confidence, and allowed you to
believe that the
worst
that could happen is we could end up enjoying a
few days together playing Scrabble.”