Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (23 page)

You
might
think that the notion of
having
fun
at this initial meeting would be something of a no-brainer. 
Unfortunately, it is often easier said than done.  You should choose a
vanilla
venue that allows you to focus your attentions on one another or gives you
something fun to
do
together.  It is also usually a good idea to
avoid fetish lifestyle events as a place to get acquainted,
particularly
if you don’t really know what preconceptions your new friend may be bringing to
the table.  In the unlikely event that your first meeting
doesn’t
go as swimmingly as you hope, it’s probably a fair bet that having your entire
munch group there to witness it
isn’t
going to make you feel any better
about it.  Do yourself and your kinkster friends the favor of arranging
this meeting elsewhere.  It’s also advisable to avoid venues that might
force you to devote your attention and energy to distractions or other
people.  Generally speaking, you will probably be able to learn a lot more
about each other over beer and pizza than you will sitting in the dark at your
local movie theater.

Having fun often depends as much on the topics of
discussion as the venue and activities.  It is often all too easy for some
people to forget that
no one
enjoys having to endure an unending stream
of negative or depressing discussion on topics such as divorce, abuse, mental
illness, medical problems, anger issues or self-destructive behavior. 
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with
mentioning
such things but, if at
the end of your first meeting you realize that it’s
all you talked about
,
it’s probably not a good portent of things to come.  Your chances of a
second
meeting with your new friend are directly proportional to the number of times
the two of you laugh and smile during
this one
.

The final key to success when it comes to
acquainting first meetings consists of having
contingency plans
for both
success
and
failure.  You should already know,
before
this
meeting
, what the next step should be,
regardless
of the outcome. 
If, by the end of this meeting, you discover that you have absolutely no
interest in seeing this person again, it’s always a good thing to have a way to
tactfully say so
ready for deployment.  Having to come up with
something on-the-fly rarely turns out well.  The best way to say, “Gee,
I’d love to see you again,”
is
not
“Well, it was nice meeting
you. 
Bye!”
 

It definitely helps to have at least
some
notion of what might constitute a fun
second date
ready to toss out when
the time is right. 

The Hook-up First Meeting

The hook-up first meeting consists of meeting
someone for the first time for the primary purpose of having a sexual
encounter, which
may or may not
include BDSM activities.  For a
wide variety of reasons, most of which should be fairly obvious to anyone old
enough to be reading this book, this kind of first encounter is
almost
always a bad idea
.  Nevertheless,
they happen
in this
lifestyle, and it would be exceptionally foolish to pretend that they
don’t.  If you are considering meeting someone for the first time for a
sexual hook-up, I would frankly advise you to reconsider.  Failing that, I
would then advise you to take
plenty of safety precautions
and to keep
your expectations
realistic
.

Unrealistic expectations are hard enough to manage
in
any
first meeting.  Just think of it as a giant,
lickalicious
double-decker ice cream cone.  Adding a big scoop of
sex
to the
already towering treat may seem like an
exciting idea
, but it comes at
the price of making your cone increasingly difficult to manage.  You might
even be irresistibly tempted to top
those
three scoops off with an
additional dollop of
whipped BDSM
and
sex-toy sprinkles. 
That’s
usually when it all topples over into a gooey mess on the pavement and you’re
left holding an empty waffle cone.

You would be well-advised to
take things
slowly. 
Don’t expect to be able to live out all of your fantasies in
a couple of hours, or even over the course of just a few days.  Allot
yourselves plenty of time to
feel your way
through the process of
getting
comfortable
with one another socially, physically, intimately
and
kinkily,
even if you think you already know each other better than
you’ve ever known anyone. 

There are
always
surprises. 

You should probably grab a highlighter right now and
highlight the crap
out of that last sentence.

The Transitional First Meeting

A transitional first meeting is one that is planned
for the express purpose of taking an online relationship to the
next level.
 
It doesn’t necessarily mean that a 24-7 life together under the same roof is
about to commence immediately but, for many, it
does
constitute a
necessary first step towards that goal.  It is an acknowledgment that the
nature of the relationship is about to change, and that you are both willing to
accept a greater degree of risk in hopes of reaping greater rewards as a
result.

A true
transitional
first meeting assumes
that you already know each other quite well, and that you have discussed your
mutual goals and possible plans for the future.  Despite the fact that you
are already well-acquainted and have a foundational relationship from which to
work, your expectations for a meeting like this
still
need to be
managed.  The odds may be skewed more to your favor as a result of your
preparation, but there is still a
lot
that can go wrong, particularly if
you are expecting it to be all rainbows and unicorns.

Much of what we said earlier regarding hook-up first
meetings applies equally to transitional first meetings.  Be sure to give
yourselves plenty of time to get comfortable with each other on a variety of
levels, and expect to hit a few bumps in the road.  Surprises, when they
are met with the proper attitude and some degree of preparation, don’t
necessarily have to turn into show-stoppers.  It certainly doesn’t hurt to
have a back-up plan ready,
just in case
things don’t go according to the
script. 

Take, for example, the disheartening case of William
and Suzanne, who meticulously planned their first week together
so
extensively and exclusively around the mind-blowing kinky sex that was supposed
to occur, that when they hit their first minor bump in the road, it mushroomed
to the height of
Mount Everest.
  The two had been friends in high
school, but had never actually
dated
and, during their college years,
they lost touch completely. 
Twenty years later
and newly divorced,
Suzanne was contemplating a return to the dating scene when she got the notion
of reconnecting with William.  She did, and was thrilled to learn that he
was still single.  They lived 1500 miles apart, but that didn’t discourage
the torrid
online romance
that blossomed quickly between them in the
next few months. 

It was decided that they should meet.  True, it
wasn’t technically their first meeting, since they had known each other in high
school, but that was over
twenty-five years ago
and, for all intents and
purposes, they had each matured into different people now.  Suzanne made
plans to fly from Texas, where she lived, to Florida, where she would spend an
entire, glorious week with William at his beachfront home.  As the date
grew nearer, their anticipation and expectations grew exponentially with each
passing hour. 

Finally, the much awaited day arrived, and Suzanne
stepped off a plane and leaped joyously into William’s waiting embrace. 
They raced back to the house where, unfortunately, the mounting anticipation,
stress and performance anxiety all combined to create a perfect storm of
erectile
dysfunction
for William
.
  As acutely embarrassing as that must
have been for
him,
it was further compounded when Suzanne interpreted it
as a confirmation of
her
worst fears -
that she was a disappointment
to him.
 

The next six days were agonizingly awkward and
uncomfortable for the two of them.  Neither was particularly interested in
making another attempt at intimacy; they each just wanted the week to be
over
,
so they could put this experience behind them.  It had simply never
occurred to
either
of them that actual events might
deviate
from
the script in their heads.  Sadly, their relationship never recovered from
this blow.  After Suzanne returned home to Texas, there were a few chats
and phone calls, but they slowed to a trickle and then eventually stopped
altogether.  They are now back where they started;
no longer in touch.
 

If there is one lesson to be learned from their
story, it should be that it wasn’t a case of erectile dysfunction that waylaid
their plans; it was the
emotional
reactions
based on their
deep-seated
insecurities and fears
that magnified what should have been
a simple speed-bump into a
mountain.
  I typically refer to a minor
mishap like this one as a
speed bump
for a reason.  If you are
prepared
for it and drive across it
slowly and deliberately
, it’s not a
problem
at all. 

Hit it at fifty miles per hour, and it could just
screw up your whole week.

There are plenty of factors which should be taken
into consideration if you’re planning a first meeting of any kind, and
especially
if your budding relationship falls outside the boundaries of what might be
considered a
vanilla
connection.  The most important, of course,
should be
safety considerations
, and we’ll cover them at length in the
next section.  Before we do that, let’s discuss timing, expense, settings,
distractions, and some of the other practical considerations you should include
in your plan. 

Timing,
as they say, is
everything. 
The timing of a first meeting should
be commensurate with its
purpose.
  It may
never
be too early
for an acquainting first meeting, but a hook-up or transitional first meeting
that happens too early in a relationship could be a disaster.  There are
other timing considerations that you might not think to include in your
planning, but can definitely spell the difference between a successful meeting
and an epic failure.  Take, for example, the timing of a woman’s
menstrual
cycle.
  By failing to take something like
that
into account
while coordinating your kinky weekend together, you could inadvertently be
throwing a monkey wrench into your well-laid plans.

Expense
is one of those considerations that we don’t really
like
to have to
think about, but are
forced
to by the harsh realities of life. 
Factoring the expense of a meeting into your plan should go beyond simply
deciding whether you can
afford
to do it or not.  It’s obviously
not going to be an issue of any real significance if your meeting is
local
and can be accomplished at minimal or no expense.  But if there’s going to
be any travel involved, things begin to get a little more complicated. 
You may be able to afford to do it, but the question that you should
really
be asking yourselves is, is this the best way to commit our
resources?   To better illustrate this point, consider this
hypothetical question:  Assuming you had the
money to do it
, would
you spend two thousand dollars on meeting and spending a fun-filled
week
together
now
, if it meant that you’d have to wait an
additional six months
before
moving in together?
  Finances are almost
always
a
trade-off.  Make sure you both fully understand what it is you’re
sacrificing
in order to accomplish your plans.

The setting
for a first meeting is another one of those considerations that we typically
just don’t think about until it’s too late to do anything about it.  A
little contingency planning for any likely scenario can go a long way towards
making your experience a good one. 

Janet, a twenty-year-old submissive friend of mine
who lives at home with her folks while attending a local college, told me about
her plans for a transitional first meeting with her Dominant, Bradley. 
They were planning on spending
four days together
and were trying to
decide on an affordable way to do it, since Bradley would have to travel quite
some distance to come see her.  For obvious reasons, spending four days
together in her
parent’s home
was
not
going to be a viable
option.  I suggested that they find a modestly priced hotel that was
within walking distance of restaurants and entertainment.  Instead,
they
chose to spend the most important four days of their relationship in the
guest
room of a friend’s home.
  The friends were certainly gracious and
hospitable enough, but their home had paper-thin walls, three small children, a
noisy macaw, two cats and a dog, which Bradley just happened to be
allergic
to.
 

Potential distractions
should certainly be high on your list of considerations for your first
meeting.  Having friends or relatives around while you’re trying to focus
on your new partner can be
incredibly
distracting, even in the best of
circumstances.  You not only run the risk of them
disliking
or
criticizing
your potential new partner before you’ve even gotten to know him, but the
alternative
can be just as bad.  They
may
like your new partner so much
that you
can’t
get rid of them. 
Other potential
distractions may include such things as cell phones that never stop ringing,
frequent texting, or an addiction to social media such as Facebook, Twitter or
Tumblr.