Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (26 page)

“I
once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas, with a note on it saying,
toys not included.”

-
- Bernard Manning

Typically, when
most
people think of BDSM,
the first things that come to mind are the
awesome toys.
  There is
an infinite variety of implements that can be used in the many different kinds
of BDSM play, with new concepts, designs and technology being added every
day.  In this chapter, we’ll examine some of the basic types and examples
of BDSM toys, equipment and furnishings, and discuss how they can be used
safely.
 

There are a few things that I think are important to
touch upon before we get too wrapped up
(pun semi-intended)
in our
examination of the
joys of kinky toys.
  The first would be this
one:  As
exciting and wonderful
as these toys can be, they can’t
replace the human touch and they are piss-poor substitutes for real
relationships.
 
Perhaps my personal bias towards
meaningful D/s relationships
is showing
here, but I
truly
believe that,
ideally,
these toys and their
related activities are
best enjoyed with someone you love.
  If
that
isn’t possible, the next best thing is to enjoy them with a
good friend.
 
I’m not saying you shouldn’t or wouldn’t enjoy using them with
strangers
;
I’m just telling you where you’ll get the best bang for your buck.

The second tip I’d like to give you is this: 
Avoid becoming so focused on your
toys
that you begin to see
people
as
accessories.
  A person with a
healthy
perspective thinks,
“I love being with my girl; I can’t wait to try out some of these news toys
with her!”  Conversely, someone with a
toy-focused
perspective
thinks, “I love my new violet wand; I can’t wait to try it out on
whomever.”
  
It is, of course, perfectly
natural
to be excited about your new
toys.  But do try to remember that your toys should exist to please your
partner; your partners don’t exist to justify your toys.

The third word of advice concerns an unfortunate
tendency among many in the BDSM lifestyle to equate sophisticated or expensive
fetish equipment with
experience and judgment.
  It’s natural to
believe that because people have the latest gadgets or top of the line fetish
equipment,
that they know what they’re doing. 
But that
isn’t
always
the case.  Be careful about assuming
anything
about potential play
partners based simply on their toys. 
They may not have a clue.
  
It is not uncommon for
some
people - typically people who have more
money than common sense and who are relatively new to BDSM - to attempt to
purchase
credibility
through their toys and equipment.  They may not have any
experience
to speak of, but at least they can boast that they have the
best toys
in
town. 
Just as some
vanilla folks
may use expensive cars and
fine jewelry to
bolster or flaunt their social status
, there are a few
BDSM folks who do the same with fetish toys and equipment.  Owning a Rolls
Royce doesn’t necessarily make someone a good driver, and owning cool or
expensive BDSM gear doesn’t necessarily make him a good Top, either.

Fourth, and finally, you should understand the need
to
fluid bond
certain types of fetish toys to specific
individuals. 
Fluid bonding
is the practice of ensuring that toys
or equipment which come into contact with
bodily fluids
are reserved for
the exclusive use of a
single person
, and
no one else.
 Most
of us instinctively understand this concept when it comes to things that are
designed
to come into contact with bodily fluids, such as vibrators, dildos and butt
plugs.  But how many of us can
truly say
that we know where a
flogger, or riding crop, or even a length of rope has been?  The problem
is further complicated by the fact that porous materials, such as leather, wood
and hemp, can be practically
impossible
to sanitize effectively. 

This leaves us with two unpalatable options; one of
them outrageously expensive, and the other absurdly unrealistic.  The
first option is to
always assume
that toys will come into contact with
bodily fluids and to
fluid bond
certain toys to certain
individuals.  The logical consequence of this is you’ll end up purchasing
new equipment
each time you play with a new partner
, which can quickly get
prohibitively expensive.  The other option involves going to ridiculous
lengths to
ensure
that your equipment doesn’t
ever
come into
contact with
anyone’s
bodily fluids, under
any
circumstances.  The only conceivable way to accomplish such a thing would
be to play only with
fully-clothed individuals.
  I don’t know about
you,
but the realistic odds of that
being
my
plan are
pretty low. 

So, what do
most
people do, when faced with
these two dreadful choices?   Most simply
do a little of each,
picking
and choosing which toys will become fluid bonded and which will not, and taking
extra care with the non-bonded toys to avoid bodily fluids of any kind, or to
sanitize them as best they can when it becomes unavoidable.  Is it a
perfect solution?  Not by a long shot.  But for
most,
it’s the
only
practical
one.

We could
easily
fill several volumes
discussing the many different kinds of BDSM toys that are available and how
they can be used to best effect.  Every day, new and exciting items are
introduced, and it can be an exhausting task just trying to keep up with the
latest technology and lifestyle trends.  What follows is an admittedly
cursory
treatment, intended only to introduce the novice to the fascinating world of
BDSM
hardware.
  Readers who already have a great deal of experience
with BDSM toys and equipment may find this section a bit tedious, and are
invited to skip ahead to the next section.

For the sake of simplicity, we’ll classify all BDSM
toys and equipment into seven general categories:  bondage, impact,
piercing, sensation/sensory deprivation, torture, role-play accessories, and
furnishings. 

Bondage gear is primarily designed to restrict a
person’s mobility or functionality.  The most
common
use for
bondage gear is to restrain the arms and legs, however, it can also be used to
immobilize or reduce the functionality of the head, neck, torso, hands, feet,
and even
genitalia.
  The quality of this kind of gear can range
from
absolute junk
at the low end to
exquisitely crafted works of art
at the high end.  Generally speaking, the comfort, durability and
functionality of bondage gear purchased from
novelty stores
are usually
quite
low
, since those establishments cater primarily to
vanilla
purchasers who are looking to
experiment.
  For higher-end, better
constructed bondage gear, your best bet is to patronize the specialty retailers
that cater exclusively to a BDSM clientele.

The following is a list of some of the most common
types of bondage gear you may encounter, in no particular order, with
descriptions, purchasing tips and some observations on their safe use. 
Some types of
generic sex toys
are
not
listed here, so we can
better focus on
BDSM-specific
items.  

Wrist and Ankle Cuffs

Wrist and ankle cuffs are probably the first items
that most novices think of and purchase when they begin experimenting with
bondage toys.  They come in a wide range of styles, designs and materials
and can range in cost and quality from
“pretty, but completely
non-functional”
to
“made-to-order awesomeness.”
   Typical
wrist or ankle cuff designs consist of quality heavy-duty leather, stainless
steel buckles for adjustments, and one or more D-rings to facilitate
attachments.  Some of the signs of an inferior product are poor leather
quality, the use of non-colorfast dyes in the leather or other materials,
flimsy or sloppy construction with sharp or rough edges, plastic or coated
aluminum D-rings, or any disclaimer that states the product is
“for novelty
use only.” 
That’s
marketing-weasel-speak
which, in plain
English means,
“you shouldn’t expect this product to actually function.”

We should also include in this category a large
assortment of handcuffs, thigh cuffs, thumb cuffs, shackles and even
zip-ties.  In addition to the obvious
psychological
impact of their
use, all cuffs are designed to keep a person’s limbs immobilized or
dysfunctional, and they can
all
become a safety concern if not used
correctly.  Any time you use wrist or ankle cuffs
of any kind
, you
should maintain
continuous supervision
of the bound person and make
periodic checks of his or her extremities for loss of feeling, poor
circulation, or unnecessary chafing, pinching or cutting.  You should also
be aware that the use of wrist and ankle cuffs can sometimes force a person’s
body
into a position that causes difficulty in breathing, or
postural
asphyxiation -
another good reason for maintaining that continuous
supervision.  Finally, it is
extremely rare
for wrist or ankle
cuffs to be designed to bear any significant portion of a person’s
body
weight.
  While it might be a wonderful
fantasy
to suspend a
person by their wrists or ankles,
it is almost always a very, very bad idea
to attempt to do so in reality. 
Most wrist and ankle cuffs are
not
designed to support that kind of weight and frankly,
neither are most
wrists and ankles.

Collars

Collars, aside from their aesthetic and
symbolic
value
, can also be an extremely erotic and versatile piece of bondage
gear.  When we are referring to a collar that is used primarily for
bondage
purposes, as opposed to
other uses
, we typically will refer to it as
a
play collar.
  The most common use for play collars is to
immobilize the neck and often, by extension, the torso and head.  Through
the use of D-rings or other connectors, a collar can easily be attached to
furnishings and equipment, or even to a person’s own limbs in such a fashion
that it forces the Bottom to assume a posture or position desired by the Top.

As for design and product quality, many of the same
considerations we discussed in relation to wrist and ankle cuffs apply equally
to collars. 
Safety
considerations, however, deserve significantly
more
attention when it comes to collars, since the human
neck
is
particularly
vulnerable and the potential consequences of a mistake can be absolutely
catastrophic.
 
Continuous supervision is
absolutely
a must.  Not only is
postural
asphyxiation
always a danger, but
strangulation
can occur in the
event of a mishap or poor product design.  Collars should
never, ever,
be expected to support
any body weight at all
under any circumstances
.
 
In fact, it is
extraordinarily dangerous
to attach a collar to
anything
in such a way that an unforeseen event could cause the collar to choke or
injure the wearer.  The
last
thing you want is for a failed
suspension or collapsing piece of fetish furniture to result in
a broken
neck.
    

Bondage Tape

Bondage tape
is one of those relatively new developments utilizing technology that didn’t
even exist twenty years ago.  This high-tech polymer tape,
which sticks
only to itself and not to skin or hair
, was originally developed in the
early-nineties as a
veterinary bandage,
since putting a traditional
bandages on an animal’s limbs or other body parts covered with
fur
could
be somewhat
problematic.
  Recently, in a stroke of
marketing
genius
, the very same
veterinary products
have been rebranded,
repackaged, marked-up in price 500%, and sold to the fetish community as
“bondage
tape.”
  Only in America!  I don’t know about you, but
success-stories like that
bring a tear to my eye.

Bondage tape can be used to bind, gag, blindfold, or
even mummify a person.  It truly is one of those products that has a
million and one uses, and is sure to bring out the
MacGuyver
in
you.  Most brands also have that glossy latex look that can add a bit of
pizazz to just about any occasion.

One of the really nice things about bondage tape,
aside from the fact that it
doesn’t hurt
when you remove it, is its
ability to
attach people to things
without leaving a sticky residue on
either,
and without pulling the paint or finish off of your cherished
furnishings.  Imagine, for example, being able to secure your Bottom’s
arms to the arms of your priceless antique armchair
without
having to
worry about what the tape may do to the chair’s finish.  Anyone who has
ever regretted using
duct tape
on his furniture knows
exactly
what
I’m talking about here.

Bondage tape is also
reusable,
though the
utility of reusable tape is directly proportional to your willingness and
ability to
reroll it.
  Another great advantage to using bondage
tape is the fact that, for all intents and purposes, it looks exactly like any
other
big roll of tape.  You may not consider this much of an advantage
now,
but just wait until the luggage screeners at the
airport
start pulling
sex toys out of your suitcase in front of a crowd of strangers or,
worse
,
in front of the
coworkers or associates you’re traveling with.
 

Bondage tape is a relatively safe product to use, as
long as you adhere
(sorry, I just couldn’t help myself)
to the safety
guidelines we’ve discussed previously.  There is, however, one unique
aspect of using bondage tape that can sometimes be problematic.  Some
users are tempted, because the tape is somewhat
stretchy and elastic
, to
apply it too tightly, which can restrict blood circulation.  It should
also go without saying that bondage tape should never be wrapped around a
person’s
neck
, or placed over his face in a way that might restrict his
ability to breathe.

Sleeves

A BDSM sleeve is typically a long tube, constructed
of soft leather, canvas or other heavy material, sewn closed at one end, and
sporting one or more buckles or straps along its length.  It is designed
for the insertion and immobilization of one or both of a Bottom’s arms,
typically
behind the back.
  Single-arm sleeves are most often used
in
pairs
, with straps, buckles or D-rings used to attach one sleeve to
the other.  Dual-arm sleeves may consist of two separate arm-tubes
permanently attached to one another, or a single large sleeve that is wider at
the top and tapers toward the end where the Bottom’s hands meet behind the
back.  Extra touches may include shoulder or chest straps to hold the
sleeves up, wrist straps to secure the hands tightly, decorative lacing or
buckles, and extra reinforcement of the sleeve for rigidity.

The odds of finding BDSM sleeves in your typical sex
novelty store are pretty low.  They tend to be available only from
specialty retailers that cater to the fetish crowd, and can be somewhat pricy,
ranging anywhere from $150 to $400, depending on the materials and quality of
construction.

There are some real advantages to using
sleeves.  First, sleeves immobilize the arms
in a way that wrist
cuffs simply cannot.  Wrist cuffs may be good at keeping a person’s wrists
together,
but a flexible person will always still have plenty of room
for movement.  Second, sleeves take a great deal of stress off the wrists
themselves, transferring and distributing most of the stress to the entire
length of the arms, instead.  This greatly reduces the chances of
unintended pain or injury to the wrists.  Third, sleeves with multiple
straps, D-rings or other attachment points along their lengths provide a
multitude
of ways to integrate the immobilization of the arms into your overall bondage
scene, and gives you more control of a Bottom’s posture and positioning. 
Finally, sleeves have a unique aesthetic quality that ranks right up there with
Shibari
when it comes to artistic impact.  In other words,
they
look cool as hell.
 

The potential safety concerns related to the use of
sleeves include all that we’ve previously said about the need for continuous
supervision and monitoring blood circulation and breathing.  There are two
additional concerns when it comes to the use of BDSM sleeves.  The first
is the fact that the hands are often
hidden from view
, which makes it
harder to see if a person’s fingertips are turning purple or blue from poor
circulation.  This can be further complicated by numbness in the
extremities, which means the Bottom
may not realize that it is
happening. 
The Top should periodically squeeze the Bottom’s fingers
through the sleeve and ask about numbness or pain in the hands. 

The second concern relates to the stress placed on
the Bottom’s shoulders, or as the medical geeks might describe it, where the
humerus
bone meets the
scapula
at the
glenohumeral joint. 
Raising
the attached arms too high behind the back, or placing too much stress on them
can cause a dislocation or a partial dislocation, which is ironically called a
subluxation. 
This is extremely rare, however, some individuals who have experienced
dislocations before maybe particularly susceptible to reoccurrences.  A
Top should ask about any past history of shoulder dislocations before putting
someone in a sleeve.  

Mitts

BDSM
mitts
are pretty much exactly what you’d
expect them to be:
mitts. 
Think
oven mitt
, or
baseball
mitt
, only a whole lot
kinkier. 
BDSM mitts are typically made
of leather or other heavy-duty materials, and are used to prevent a Bottom from
using his or her hands and, most commonly,
to prevent masturbation.
 
Other common uses include immobilizing the wrists and hands by attaching them
to other bondage gear, hobbling someone to make an assigned task
near-impossible to accomplish, or for disciplinary or humiliation purposes.

You’re not likely to find BDSM mitts in a typical
sex shop or novelty store.  You will probably have to get them from an
online specialty BDSM retailer, where you can expect to pay between $100 and
$200 for a pair, depending upon the workmanship and quality.  Mitt designs
can range from extremely simple to complex and multifunctional.  Some come
with inner liners, some don’t.  Some come with buckles, straps, zippers or
locks, and some don’t.  D-rings are a common feature on most mitt designs,
but some are designed to be load-bearing while others are not.  Your best
strategy in purchasing BDSM mitts is to have a clear notion of how you may want
to use them in the future and to seek out the specific features that support
that plan.

Safety considerations for the use of BDSM mitts are
similar to those for cuffs and sleeves, though mitts may make it much more
difficult to check a Bottom’s fingertips to ensure proper circulation and feeling. 
Additionally, a very serious safety concern arises if someone is left alone at
home for any length of time with
mitts locked onto her hands.
  In
the event of a real emergency, she could find herself unable to dial the phone,
bandage a wound or even open the front door in order to escape smoke or
fire.