Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (50 page)

For anyone who cares to look beyond the superficial,
it’s usually pretty easy to discern the differences between a consenting,
trusting and mutually pleasurable activity and abuse.  The differences are
stark, and obvious.  D/s is about
loving
; abuse is about
hurting
. 
A healthy D/s relationship is built on
trust and real consent;
abuse is
almost always a
breach of trust
and a matter of
coercion. 
A
healthy D/s relationship requires and builds mutual
respect;
abuse is
demonstration of a profound
lack of respect.
 A healthy D/s
relationship
builds
self-esteem; abuse
destroys it.
  Healthy
D/s and BDSM activities involve the
planned, controlled
application of
pain, restraint or humiliation; abuse is typically
spontaneous and out of
control.
  In any consensual BDSM activity, a Bottom can stop the scene
at any time
with just a word;
in an abusive situation, a victim
wishes
such a thing were possible,
but it is not.

Dom/sub Type Mismatch

In the first few chapters of this book, we described
different types of Dominants and submissives, and even went into some detail on
which types of partners might be more suited to each.  What we
didn’t
do was describe in any real detail the kinds of
unholy messes
that can
result from a Dom/sub
mismatch
. One might reasonably assume that such
things do not happen often, and in truth,
most people
have a pretty good
idea of what it is they are seeking in a mate, even if they are
brand-spanking-new to the lifestyle.  And, then again, there’s always that
slender minority of people who don’t. 

Most likely to find themselves in a D/s mismatch are
the lifestyle novices, who have not yet accumulated enough experience to
differentiate between the various types of Dominants and submissives, or to
discern the nuanced ranges of intensity even within those categories.  A
lifestyle novice is likely to assume, for example, that the only real
difference between a
Daddy Dom
and a
Sadistic Dom
is what they
like.
 As a result, a novice
may
attempt to tailor her
presentation,
behavior or appearance to appeal to the Dominant in question, without giving
much thought
at all
to the fact that these two types of Dominants
think
and behave very differently.
  The novice may also fall into the
dangerous trap of believing that
because she is compromising to please her
Dominant
, that he will do
likewise
and behave
less
like the
Daddy or Sadist
that he is. 
Chances are, he
won’t. 
These
characteristics are, for the most part,
non-negotiable.

What follows are some of what I consider to be the
most common D/s relationship mismatch types, accompanied by some pithy
commentary on how it happens and the typical outcomes:

·
        
The Sadistic
Dominant and
anyone
who isn’t
truly
a masochist.  I
do
realize I am probably beginning to sound like a broken record here, but this
point simply
cannot
be stressed enough.  Anyone who gets involved
with a
sadist
should expect to get
hurt.
  After all, that’s
the
whole idea.
  That’s
why
people get involved with
sadists.  It won’t be an unfortunate turn of events when he inflicts pain
and suffering upon you;
it’s the plan.
  I
do
wish
there was a way to say it even
plainer
for the benefit of those who may
still be unclear on this concept. 

·
        
The
evolving
Dominant and
hardwired
submissive, or vice versa.  These
relationships somehow actually manage to get off on the right foot
from the
start
, but then meander down a dangerous path when
one
of the
partners begins to explore
other
roles.  Typically, this evolving
partner is
completely unaware
of the gut reaction of his
hardwired
partner, who is unwilling or incapable of switching roles to accommodate
him.  This really only becomes an issue if one partner in the relationship
is
flexible
, while the other
is not.
  Role evolution can be
a wonderful thing,
as long as both partners have signed up for it.

·
        
The polyamorous
Dominant and monogamous submissive, or vice versa.  It
happens
all
the time, and
sometimes
, it even
works out,
but the odds are
overwhelmingly stacked against it coming to a good end.  To be fair,
most
people go into these things with the best of intentions, earnestly believing
that they can be
taught
the secrets of polyamory or monogamy when, in
fact, it is actually quite
rare
for someone to be able to change his or
her outlook in this way.  Certainly, there are
techniques and
strategies
which can make the adoption or practice of a new way of loving
easier
for someone who is
predisposed to it, but merely unskilled. 
But
there are no silver bullets that will transform a monogamous person into a poly
one, or vice versa.  I
do not
recommend entering into a committed
D/s relationship with the unrealistic hope of
converting
your partner to
your way of loving
.   

·
        
The pure BDSM
Dominant and pure D/s submissive, or vice versa.  As I’ve said in previous
chapters,
most
of the people in the fetish community like to
integrate
their D/s and BDSM, just as
most
people generally prefer their
sex
and love
conveniently wrapped up in one person.  But there are many
who
don’t,
and to further complicate things, it isn’t always easy to
figure out who those people are.  There’s nothing
wrong
with simply
wanting to participate in BDSM activities, without seeking a
relationship.  There’s also nothing wrong with simply wanting a D/s
relationship dynamic, without the whips and chains.  The important thing
is that both partners are getting what they want and need out of the
relationship.

It is certainly easy to assume that certain types of
Dominants and submissives will never be happy together in a relationship. 
Of course, that’s a little like assuming that cats and dogs will never be able
to tolerate each other, a generalization that isn’t always supported by the
facts.  Can a babygirl submissive be happy with a sadistic Dominant? 
Would a Lesser God Dominant be able to tolerate a brat submissive?  Should
a non-Gorean Dominant ever consider a kajirae for a collar?  Your first
impulse might be to doubt the long-term viability of mismatched relationships
such as these.  Pure
probability
in such cases certainly
favors
a train wreck in the not-too-distant future.  Sometimes, however,
people
can surprise you
.  They
change.
  They
grow.
 
They learn and adapt and, occasionally, they succeed in a relationship which
completely defies explanation.  This, however, is generally the
exception
,
rather than the rule. 

Poor Communication

Make no mistake about it; communication is a
skill
,
and a
critical
one at that.  D/s relationships are no more prone to
communication breakdowns than vanilla ones, but their complexity and potential
consequences can be
mind-boggling. 
At the end of this chapter, I
share a simple example of how two people having two completely different
notions of the definition of the word “
extreme”
can change
everything. 
Just because you and your partner both speak
English
doesn’t
necessarily mean you
speak the same language
. 

Words can have
drastically
different
connotations and meanings to people, but when you are part of a
fetish
culture
that habitually frames things in double entendre and euphemism, it
becomes even more complicated.  For example, when is
“whips and chains”
just another way to say
BDSM
, and when does it
literally
mean
whips
and chains?
   It’s not unusual
at all
to hear someone in
the lifestyle who claims to be into
“whips and chains”
to go pale when
an actual
bullwhip
is brought out, saying
“Oh no
, I didn’t mean
an
actual
whip! 
Got any nice, thuddy floggers?”

When we hear a term like
“age play,”
we
generally assume that it involves a mature individual acting in a
child-like
role
.  In reality,
age play
is any activity where one person assumes
the role of someone
any age
that significantly differs from his true
age, while another person interacts with him age-appropriately.  The most
common
expression of age play is found in the
Daddy Dom - babygirl
relationship
dynamic, but there are
plenty
of other possible permutations, including
role play
gerontophilia
, which is a sexual attraction to the
elderly
.

Examples like these can be humorous or even ironic
at times, but when a relationship goes off the tracks because of a basic misunderstanding,
it can be heartbreaking.  Some of the most common communication breakdowns
occur as the result of a
lack of clarity
on such things as the
differences between a slave and a submissive, or what a
collar
represents to each of the parties involved.  A simple word like
respect
can mean
completely
different things to different people, and a
slave contract specifying that “
each party shall respect the other”
is
virtually
worthless
unless the term can be adequately defined. 

The
disagreement
is another communication
minefield which must be navigated
cautiously
in any D/s
relationship. 
Learning how to disagree without becoming
disagreeable
can be a
challenge that simply overwhelms many couples.  Other couples may find it
difficult to stay engaged and communicating constructively when the first
impulse of many submissives is to
withdraw
in order to avoid conflict
with his or her Dominant.  Ideally, couples should look for a solution
that exists somewhere between all-out war and silent sulking. 

Each relationship is different, but you should be
able to work together to identify
“hot buttons
” to be avoided, tell-tale
signs that a discussion has gone off-track, and
“lines in the sand”
which must not be crossed under any circumstances.   Couples must also
learn to
read between the line
s to divine the true meaning of what is,
or isn’t
, being said. 

Years ago, I was chatting online with one of my
submissives when,
seemingly out of the blue,
she said, “You’re angry
with me.”   And frankly, I was.  But I was also very
surprised
that she had picked up on it, because I
thought
I’d done a pretty good
job of concealing my annoyance at some silly thing she’d said.  I may be
easily
annoyed
, but over the years I’ve learned that if I can just resist for ten
minutes the urge to
say or do something about it
, it usually passes
quickly, and everyone is happier for it. 

So I asked her, “How did you
know
I was
angry?”

She hesitated.  She really didn’t
want
to
reveal the
source
of her superpower, but now she was trapped and had no
choice but to come clean.  She reluctantly said, “It’s your
punctuation
,
Master.”  

I was completely baffled.  “My... 
punctuation?”
 

She explained, “Yes, your
punctuation.
 
You never use
periods
when chatting online. 
Ever.
  That
is, unless you’re
angry
about something.  Then, suddenly,
periods
start appearing at the ends of your sentences.  And even though you
might be
saying nice things
, I know what the periods
really
mean. 
They mean,
I am so done with this conversation.”

I scrolled back to see if what she was saying could
possibly
be true
, and sure enough,
there they were.
  All this time, I
thought I was being clever, yet I’d been betrayed by the little dots at the
ends of my sentences.   I definitely learned something about how my
subconscious mind worked that day.  More importantly, I also learned that
an
observant and motivated partner
can find helpful lines of
communication in even the
tiniest
details. 

Unstated Relationship Rules

If you don’t know what the rules are that govern
your relationship, there’s a pretty high probability that you won’t be
following
them.  D/s relationships are often
all about the rules.
 
Generally speaking, Dominants love to
make them
, and submissives love to
be
subject to them
.  When one or the other fails to fulfill his or
her responsibility in this regard, or steps outside the boundaries of what is
expected by the other partner, it usually doesn’t end well.