Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (54 page)

As much as I hate to admit this, I didn’t learn what
I know about these kinds of D/s blunders and catastrophes
second hand.
 
Many of these mistakes, I’ve made
myself.
  Sometimes, I made the
same mistakes
again and again
before coming to my senses
.
 
Sure, it’s easy to look back
now,
years or even decades later and think
“Could
I have been any stupider?”
  Unfortunately, the answer is,
yes, I
probably could have.

There will always be limits to what we can know, but
our potential for stupidity is infinite.

Earlier in this book, I promised to end each chapter
with a brief, yet intimate peek into my head as my way of giving you the only
truly unique thing that I have to offer.  For the most part, it’s been an
enjoyable exercise.  This installment, however, is personally painful to
me.

It’s often been said that a Dominant is never
wrong.  This, of course, is a
myth
.  We’re wrong
all the
time
; we just hate
admitting
that we are wrong.   Mark
this day on your calendar, because I am about to admit that I was once
absolutely
unclear on the concept
of extreme masochism.

Her name was
Faithie
and she was a chat room
friend who seemed like the
ideal submissive
.  She was an engaging, intelligent,
spirited and beautiful woman who loved many of the same kinds of BDSM play that
I did, so we seemed perfectly matched to one another. 
Sure
, she’d
mentioned that she was an
extreme
masochist, but the word
extreme
means different things to different people.  I was swimming in a sea of
new
relationship energy,
so I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to that
particular fin in the water. 

Eventually, our relationship progressed to the point
where we believed we were deeply in love, and that she should be
collared.
 
To that end, we arranged to spend three days together at a posh resort in Santa
Fe, New Mexico.  We met for the first time in the hotel lobby and retired
to our suite, where we spent the next 48 hours in
fetish heaven
. 
There was spanking, whipping, paddling, rope-play, and
oodles of kinky sex.
 I
was one happy Dom.  But apparently, Faithie
needed more.
  On
the afternoon of the third day, she reached into her suitcase and pulled out a
small block of wood, a hammer, and some ten-penny nails. 
Would you
please drive these nails through my nipples?  That would be lovely,
Master.  Thank you so much!

I thought about it. 
I really did
. 
And I politely declined.  I realized in that moment that I’d just learned
about a limit that, up to that point, I never even suspected that I had. 
Faithie, however, was undeterred.  She put away her hammer and nails, and
returned with a small pouch containing the biggest damn
safety pins
I’d
ever seen.  
Master, would you be willing to use these safety pins
to close up my pussy?  Pretty please?
 
Just this once?

This time, I didn’t have to ponder it long
at
all.
  My answer was a polite but firm
no.

I will not pin your pussy once. 

I will not pin your pussy twice! 

Not with a needle.  Not even with ice! 

Won’t close it with a safety, or other sharp pin. 

Won’t close it at all!  Might want to get in!

I don’t want to nail your pretty pink nipple. 

Not one of them, both of them, or even a triple! 

I will not do it on the table. 

And not on the floor.  I’m just unable! 

Masochists, I do understand. 

I’ll give them spankings with my hand. 

I’ll paddle, and whip and chain their asses. 

I’ll even dip them in molasses! 

But I never have, nor shall I start,

Punch bloody holes in body parts. 

The closest I’ll get, is I’ll cut you loose... 

And send my regrets to Dr. Seuss.

“Many
have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained
through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

-
- Helen Keller

This final chapter is about
happiness.  Your
happiness.

We’ve spent a great deal of time discussing the
almost infinite number of ways that a Domination/submission relationship can go
off the rails.  To leave you in a state of apprehension, viewing this
lifestyle from a cynical perspective would be unfair, both to you
and
to
the lifestyle.  While this life and these kinds of relationships
aren’t
for everyone
, there is a
lot to like
about the lifestyle for those
who are well-suited for it.  Actually, that is an understatement. 
There’s a lot to
love
about it.

My greatest concern, while writing this book, has
been that by describing some of the pitfalls to be avoided, that I might
inadvertently convince you to avoid the lifestyle
entirely
.  I have
worried that I spent too much time
describing
the BDSM culture and not
enough time explaining how to be a
part
of it, or even why you might
want
to.   I have been vexed by the thought that I may have spent too much
time describing different kinds of D/s relationships, and not enough time
telling you
how to have a good one.
  I really do wish I could let
you peek into my heart and see the wonderful relationships and the lifetime of
joy that this lifestyle has provided me.

This lifestyle ought to be fun and fulfilling. 
If it is
neither
of those things for you, then perhaps you’re
doing
it wrong. 
I wish there was a one-size-fits-all recommendation that I
could give you that would ensure that your future D/s relationships and BDSM
lifestyle will always and forever be fun and fulfilling.  The key to
finding that kind of happiness is going to be different for each individual,
but it will always come from the same place.  It will come from somewhere
deep within
yourself.
  If you’re seeking it elsewhere, you’re
looking in the wrong place.

I like to tell the tale of a man who was out one
night for his usual evening stroll, when he happened upon a neighbor, crawling
around on all fours in the street under a streetlight:

“Hi there, Ralph!” he greeted his neighbor,
cheerily. “What are you
doing?”

Ralph looked up from his studious examination of sticks,
leaves, and other gutter debris and said, “Oh, hey there, Bob.  I’m
looking for my cellphone.  I think it may have fallen out of my pocket
when I got out of the car.”

Bob furrowed his brow and asked, “What makes you think it
would be here?  Is this where you parked your car earlier?”

Ralph shook his head, and pointed to a spot about a
hundred yards further down the street.  “No.  Actually, I’m parked
over there, under that tree.”

Bob peered down the street to where the car was parked in
the dark shadow of a large elm tree.  He turned back to his friend and,
just a little confused, asked, “So, why are you looking for your phone over
here, Ralph?”

Ralph looked up from his
gutter-rummaging, pointed to the streetlamp above, and replied, “Well, duh!
 The light’s better over here!”

How many of us have expended precious time,
resources, energy, and emotion seeking happiness in all the wrong places, in
all the wrong ways?  How often have we chosen the easy
wrong path
over the hard
right one?
  Are we hoping that our partners
will
fix us,
rather than working to heal our own injuries and
scars?  Are we trying too hard to know and love someone else, before really
knowing and being capable of loving ourselves?

Only
you
know the answers to these
questions.  Are you willing to be honest with yourself?

Frankly, if anyone
could
help us to find
those keys to happiness within ourselves, it would be the people in this
lifestyle.  They are quite simply the
best.
 I have always
loved the fact that kinksters are typically very open to exploration, and not
just exploration of the lifestyle, but of
themselves. 
They are
generally far more willing than the average vanilla person to push the
boundaries of what they know, what they think, how they feel, and even
what
they like.

As a general rule of thumb, there’s also far less
self-censorship
in the fetish lifestyle.  Kinksters tend to say what they mean, mean what
they say, and care not about what others might think about that.  This, of
course, can be a double-edged sword.  The good news is, for the most part,
what you see is what you get.
  The bad news is you’re not going to
like
a lot of what you see.  But at least you’ll be making
informed choices
and know that
compared to all of that
, you’re not as much of a pervert
as you might have thought!

This is a culture that is
incredibly
diverse
and places a very high value on
tolerance.
  Just because
my
kink
is not
your
kink doesn’t necessarily make
me
right and
you
wrong. 
You may view another person’s fetish with disdain or even revulsion, but you
should never forget that the world is full of people who might look upon your
kinks with equal repugnance.  It is this community’s respect and reverence
for diversity and rejection of judgmental posturing that makes it very
special.  That does
not
, however, mean that we should tolerate
absolutely
anything.
 

I won’t pretend to be able to tell you how you
should set your own moral compass.  Just know that when you come into this
lifestyle, you shouldn’t leave your ethics at the door.

D/s relationships can be among the happiest and most
intense, loving, passionate, and fulfilling kinds of relationships you may
ever
experience
.  A very small percentage of people will be lucky enough to
find the right D/s partner at the right time under the right circumstances, and
literally
live happily ever after
.  Another small slice of those in
the lifestyle may get just a brief taste of
what could have been
, and
spend a lifetime hoping once again to
recreate
that magical spark. 
Still others may
never
get a chance
at all
to experience the
thrill of hearing or saying,
“I am yours,”
and knowing it is
not just
a figure of speech.

The rest of us -
the great majority of us
-
will do what we have
always
done,
in or outside
of the lifestyle.

We will find those special people who make us smile
so much that our cheeks hurt, who spark our imaginations, who make us unafraid
to show our secret selves, who
want
the very best for us and prove it
every single day, the ones who make us
ache
for them, day and
night.  When we
find
those people, we hold them close and live,
love, lust, and laugh with them for as long as we possibly can.

Rinse.  Repeat.

You
can
find joy and fulfillment in a loving,
healthy D/s relationship.

There are no guarantees, no sure things, and no
secret formulas for success.  It could last a
day
, or it could last
a
lifetime.
  Regardless of how long it lasts, if you keep your focus
on bringing joy to your partner, and savoring the personal fulfillment that
springs from that, you’ll be on the right path.

Guess what?
 
We’re at the end of the book.  I don’t know about
you
, but that
makes me a little
sad
.  When a trusted colleague tentatively
suggested that I include some personal experiences, anecdotes, and observations
in this book, I wasn’t particularly
thrilled
by the notion.  Yet in
the course of the writing, I’ve come to see not only the profound wisdom of her
advice, but I have warmed to it immensely and now think of them as a series of
intimate letters to a treasured friend who knows all of my flaws, and
likes
me anyway
.

Now, with this - my final
Two Cents -
it
comes to an end, and I will miss our little talks.  I will miss
you.

My consolation prize is the knowledge that I may
have helped someone. 
That
makes me
happy.
At the beginning
of the book, I described myself as a
White Knight Dominant.
 In
short, I
live
to slay dragons, rescue those who are in distress, and
solve problems. 
You,
of course, will be the ultimate judge of
whether I have been of service to you in any way.  If so, please do me a
favor and
let me know
.  It would
seriously
make my day.

I’m usually a pretty happy guy.  I once had a
psychologist tell me that I was like
a bi-polar person who didn’t have a
down-side.
  The old label for people like me used to be “
manic”
but
that term went out of style when
“manic-depressive”
did.
 
Now,
the politically correct, technical term for people like me is
“too-damn-happy”
or, sometimes,
“consistently, nauseatingly cheerful.” 
I
do
realize that I drive most of my friends
bonkers
, but I
yam what I
yam.
 

When I’m
not
happy, I seek out the people,
places, and things that bring me joy.  For me, that usually means visiting
a cherished friend, treating myself to a root beer float, working on my koi
pond, or digging my toes into the sand at the beach and watching the sun dip
into the sea.  In general, I have found that I am happiest when I am engaged
in a meaningful project, faced with an interesting challenge, or performing
service
for someone in need.

I
highly
recommend
performing service
. 
Seek out someone who may be experiencing some misfortune, someone with critical
needs, and
do something nice for them. 
It doesn’t have to be a
big
deal. 
Pay them a compliment.  Drop off a hot meal.  Mow
their lawn.  Sing them a song. 

Trust me.  You’ll feel like a
million bucks.

My point is simply this: 
You
are
responsible for
your own
happiness.  If you’re sitting around
waiting for something or someone else
to
make you happy,
it could
turn out to be a very long wait.  Frankly, most people are so wrapped up
in their
own
emotions that
your
happiness isn’t even on their
radar. 

You want to know the
real
secret to achieving
true and lasting happiness?  Here it is:  Get off your ass, and
do
something.

May your days be happy ones.

Mike Makai