Authors: Rainbow Rowell
…’
‘I don’t care.’
‘
I
care. Eleanor …’
‘It’s our last chance.’
‘No. No, I can’t … I,
no
, I
need to believe that it isn’t our last
chance … Eleanor? Can you hear
me? I need you to believe it, too.’
CHAPTER 53
Park
Eleanor got out of the truck, and
Park wandered into the cornfield
to pee. (Which was embarrassing,
but less embarrassing than pissing
his pants.) When he came back,
she was sitting on the hood of the
truck. She looked beautiful, fierce,
leaning forward like a figurehead.
He climbed up and sat next to
her.
‘Hey,’ he said.
‘Hey.’
He pushed his shoulder up
against hers and nearly wept with
relief when she laid her head
against him. Weeping again today
seemed wholly inevitable.
‘Do you really believe that?’
she asked.
‘What?’
‘That … we’ll have other
chances? That we have any chance
at all?’
‘Yes.’
‘No matter what happens,’ she
said forcefully, ‘I’m not coming
home.’
‘I know.’
She was quiet.
‘No matter what happens,’
Park said, ‘I love you.’
She put her arms around his
waist,
and
he
hugged
her
shoulders.
‘I just can’t believe that life
would give us to each other,’ he
said, ‘and then take it back.’
‘I can,’ she said. ‘Life’s a
bastard.’
He held her tighter, and
pushed his face into her neck.
‘But it’s up to us …’ he said
softly. ‘It’s up to us not to lose
this.’
Eleanor
She sat right next to him for the
rest of the trip – even though there
wasn’t a seat belt, and she had to
sit with the stick shift between her
legs. She figured it was still lots
safer than riding in the back of
Richie’s Isuzu.
They stopped at another truck
stop and Park bought her Cherry
Coke and beef jerky. He called his
parents collect – she still couldn’t
believe they were okay with this.
‘My dad’s okay,’ he said. ‘I
think my mom’s freaking out.’
‘Have they heard from my
mom or … anybody?’
‘No. Or, at least, they didn’t
mention it.’
Park asked her if she wanted
to call her uncle. She didn’t.
‘I smell like Steve’s garage,’
she said. ‘My uncle’s going to
think I’m a drug dealer.’
Park laughed. ‘I think you
spilled beer on your shirt. Maybe
he’ll
just
think
you’re
an
alcoholic.’
She looked down at her shirt.
There was a smear of blood from
when she’d cut her hand on her
bed – and something crusty on the
shoulder, probably snot from all
that crying.
‘Here,’ Park said. He was
taking off his sweatshirt. Then his
T-shirt. He handed the T-shirt to
her. It was green and said ‘Prefab
Sprout.’
‘I can’t take this,’ she said,
watching him pull his sweatshirt
back on over his bare chest. ‘It’s
new.’ Plus it probably wouldn’t
fit.
‘You can give it back later.’
‘Close your eyes,’ she said.
‘Of course,’ Park said softly.
He looked away.
There was no one else in the
parking lot. Eleanor slouched
down and put Park’s T-shirt on
underneath her own, then pulled
the dirty shirt off. That’s how she
changed in gym class. His shirt
was about as tight as her gymsuit
… but it smelled clean, like Park.
‘Okay,’ she said.
He looked back at her, and his
smile changed. ‘Keep it.’
When they got to Minneapolis,
Park stopped at another gas station
to ask for directions.
‘Is it easy?’ she asked him
when he got back in the truck.
‘Like Sunday morning,’ he
said. ‘We’re really close.’
CHAPTER 54
Park
He was more nervous about his
driving once they got into the city.
Driving in St Paul was nothing
like driving in Omaha.
Eleanor was reading the map
for him, but she’d never read a
map outside of class before – and
between the two of them they kept
making wrong turns.
‘I’m sorry,’ Eleanor kept
saying.
‘It’s okay,’ Park said, glad she
was sitting right next to him. ‘I’m
not in any hurry.’
She pressed her hand into the
top of his leg.
‘I’ve been thinking …’ she
said.
‘Yeah?’
‘I don’t want you to come
inside when we get there.’
‘You mean you want to talk to
them by yourself?’
‘No … Well, yeah. But I mean
… I don’t want you to wait for
me.’
He tried to look down at her,
but he was afraid he’d miss his
turn again.
‘What?’ he said. ‘No. What if
they don’t want you to stay?’
‘Then they can figure out how
to get me home – I’ll be their
problem. Maybe that’ll give me
more time to talk to them about
everything.’
‘But …’
I’m not ready for you
to stop being my problem
.
‘It makes more sense, Park. If
you leave soon, you can still get
home by dark.’
‘But if I leave soon …’ His
voice dropped. ‘I leave soon.’
‘We have to say goodbye
anyway,’ she said. ‘Does it matter
if it’s now or a few hours from
now or tomorrow morning?’
‘Are you kidding?’ He looked
down at her, hoping he’d miss his
turn. ‘Yes.’
Eleanor
‘It just makes more sense,’ she
said. And then she bit her lip. The
only way she was going to get
through any of this was by force
of will.
The houses were starting to
look familiar – big gray and white
clapboard houses set far back on
their lawns. Eleanor’s whole
family had come up here for
Easter the year after her dad left.
Her uncle and his wife were
atheists, but it was still a really fun
trip.
They didn’t have kids of their
own – probably by choice,
Eleanor thought. Probably because
they knew cute kids grow up into
ugly, problematic teenagers.
But Uncle Geoff had
invited
her here.
He wanted her to come, at least
for a few months. Maybe she
didn’t have to tell him everything
right away, maybe he’d just think
she was early.
‘Is that it?’ Park asked.
He stopped in front of a gray-
blue house with a willow tree in
the front yard.
‘Yeah,’
she
said.
She
recognized
the
house.
She
recognized her uncle’s Volvo in
the driveway.
Park stepped on the gas.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Just … around the block,’ he
said.
Park
He drove around the block. For all
the good it did him. Then he
parked a few houses down from
her uncle’s, so they could see the
house from the car. Eleanor
couldn’t look away from it.
Eleanor
She had to say goodbye to him.
Now. And she didn’t know how.
Park
‘You
remember
my
phone
number right?’
‘867-5309.’
‘Seriously, Eleanor.’
‘Seriously, Park. I’m never
going to forget your phone
number.’
‘Call me as soon as you can,
okay? Tonight. Collect. And give
me your uncle’s number. Or, if he
doesn’t want you to call, send the
number to me in a letter – in one
of the many, many letters you’re
going to write me.’
‘He might send me home.’
‘No.’ Park let go of the
gearshift and took her hand.
‘You’re not going back there. If
your uncle sends you home, come
to my house. My parents will help
us figure it out. My dad already
said that they would.’
Eleanor’s head fell forward.
‘He’s not going to send you
home,’ Park said. ‘He’s going to
help …’ She nodded deliberately
at the floor. ‘And he’s going to let
you accept frequent, private, long-
distance phone calls …’
She was still.
‘Hey,’ Park said, trying to lift
up her chin. ‘Eleanor.’
Eleanor
Stupid Asian kid.
Stupid, beautiful Asian kid.
Thank God she couldn’t make
her mouth work right now,
because if she could there’d be no
end to the melodramatic garbage
she’d say to him.
She was pretty sure she’d
thank him for saving her life. Not
just yesterday, but, like, practically
every day since they’d met. Which
made her feel like the dumbest,
weakest
girl
. If you can’t save
your own life, is it even worth
saving?
There’s no such thing as
handsome
princes
,
she
told
herself.
There’s no such thing as
happily ever after
.
She looked up at Park. Into his
golden green eyes.
You saved my life, she tried to
tell him. Not forever, not for
good. Probably just temporarily.
But you saved my life, and now
I’m yours.
The me that’s me right
now is yours
. Always.
Park
‘I don’t know how to say goodbye
to you,’ she said.
He smoothed her hair off her
face. He’d never seen her so fair.
‘Then don’t.’
‘But I have to go …’
‘So go,’ he said, with his
hands on her cheeks. ‘But don’t
say goodbye. It’s not goodbye.’
She rolled her eyes and shook
her head. ‘That’s so lame.’
‘Seriously? You can’t cut me
five minutes of slack?’
‘That’s what people say – “It’s
not goodbye” – when they’re too
afraid to face what they’re really
feeling. I’m not going to see you
tomorrow, Park – I don’t know
when
I’ll see you again. That
deserves more than “It’s not
goodbye.”’
‘I’m not afraid to face what
I’m feeling,’ he said.
‘Not you,’ she said, her voice
breaking. ‘Me.’
‘You,’ he said, putting his
arms around her and promising
himself that it wouldn’t be the last
time, ‘are the bravest person I
know.’
She shook her head again, like
she was trying to shake off the
tears.
‘Just kiss me goodbye,’ she
whispered.
Only for today, he thought.
Not ever.
Eleanor
You think that holding someone
hard will bring them closer. You
think that you can hold them so
hard that you’ll still feel them,
embossed on you, when you pull
away.
Every time Eleanor pulled
away from Park, she felt the
gasping loss of him.
When she finally got out of the
truck, it was because she didn’t
think she could stand touching
and untouching him again. The
next time she ripped herself away,
she’d lose some skin.
Park started to get out with
her, but she stopped him.
‘No,’ she said. ‘Stay.’ She
looked up anxiously at her uncle’s
house.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ Park
said.
She nodded. ‘Right.’
‘Because I love you.’
She laughed. ‘Is that why?’
‘It is, actually.’
‘Goodbye,’
she
said.
‘Goodbye, Park.’
‘Goodbye,
Eleanor.
You
know, until tonight. When you’re
going to call me.’
‘What if they’re not home?
God, that would be anti-climactic.’
‘That would be great.’
‘Dork,’ she whispered with a
leftover smile on her face. She
stepped back and closed the door.
‘I love you,’ he mouthed.
Maybe he was saying it out loud.
She couldn’t hear him anymore.
CHAPTER 55
Park
He didn’t ride the bus anymore.
He didn’t have to. His mom gave
him the Impala when his dad
bought her a new Taurus …