Female Ejaculation (9 page)

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Authors: Somraj Pokras

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Okay, guys, you’ve been warned. Assume nothing!
SPEAK UP AND ENJOY
Are you familiar with that common mental refrain “Am I doing it right?” or the verbal one, “Did you come yet?” These worries stem from self-consciousness and concern about your own sexual performance.
But if you enter into sex without expectations, any such performance anxiety disappears. Your sex becomes a conscious dance of energies, and no longer will you have to worry about what’s happening with your partner and if he/she is enjoying your touch. It’s like synchronized swimming with telepathic communication.
Good lovers know that they’re each responsible for their own pleasure. They recognize that erotic experiences begin within. They know what they like, what they prefer in the moment, and what to pass on during each encounter. They’ve explored all pleasure triggers and know when and how they want to be stimulated. They ask for what they want, voice their reactions, and give lots of feedback. And they do it in a way that enhances intimacy and contributes to the sensual mood.
Obviously, this kind of authentic interplay requires knowing, accepting, and loving yourself fully. Then you can be completely honest, totally real, and refreshingly transparent with your innermost desires — which leads to knowing, accepting, and loving your partner. And this is the sort of intimacy that makes achieving female ejaculation so much easier.
PARTNERING QUESTIONS
When practicing G-spot stimulation, or any sexual play really, you should concentrate on raising awareness. Focus on and think about what you and your partner are doing, and talk about it. This doesn’t mean that you have to plan things out in detail. Just learn to look inside, understand what you’re wanting and feeling, and then discuss it. And never do anything to one another, even a long-term partner, without permission.
If you know where you and your partner both stand on sexual issues, it’s much easier to relax. If you trust that your partner will respect your needs and limits, you don’t have to maintain tight control all the time. Tantric Sex practitioners often focus on preparations beforehand so that we haven’t a care in the world during the experience and can become thoroughly spontaneous and in-the-moment when it counts.
Trying out new things like G-spot massage and female ejaculation can be frightening or uncomfortable at first. That’s why you need to
practice your sexual play as a partnership involving mutual consent and equal participation as both giver and receiver. Always start a new sexual experience by discussing three issues:
1.
DESIRES:
what you want, intend, or hope will happen,
2.
CONCERNS:
what’s on your mind or what you’re worried about
3.
BOUNDARIES:
lines you don’t want your partner to cross.
We call these the Partnering Questions.
For example, before a sensual massage a woman might ask for…
long, slow, oiled strokes (desires),
without things turning too sexual because she’s having menstrual cramps (concerns)
and with no penetration (boundaries).
PRACTICE:
PARTNERING QUESTIONS
PURPOSE
The following practice guides you in getting familiar with the three Partnering Questions by discussing the topic of sex in general. During later practices, you’ll use them to prepare more specifically.
1.
LOOK INSIDE
Take a moment to look within and identify how satisfied you are with your current sex life. Consider what you’ve had, what you’ve got, how it’s working, how it’s not, plus what you want more of and less of. Include desires, feelings, concerns, frustrations, and fantasies. The more honestly you can do this, the better your coming experiences will be.
2.
ONE PARTNER PRESENTS
One explains their desires, concerns, and boundaries regarding sex with the other. The other partner should simply listen, acknowledge, and ask for clarification only if necessary to understand. A minute each is usually sufficient for each question.
3.
OTHER PARTNER PRESENTS
Exchange roles so the other partner can explain their answers to the three questions.
4.
NEGOTIATE
If there are differences in desires or boundaries that conflict, discuss what you can do to honor each other’s wishes.
PRACTICE:
HOW TO TOUCH ME
This practice facilitates letting your lover know in advance what you want, where you want it, and how you want it. At last, you can reveal your innermost sensual, sexual, and erotic desires. The purpose of this practice is to let your beloved know in explicit detail how you like to be approached, spoken to, touched, and excited.
1.
DECIDE
Decide who will go first. You can also decide if you both want to be nude. The first speaker can disrobe seductively if that’s fun for both of you. This makes your connection playful and serious at the same time.
2.
DESCRIBE AND DEMONSTRATE
Describe and demonstrate the ways you like to be approached: verbally or non-verbally, ritually or playfully, softly or roughly, or all of the above. Specifically, what kind of touching do you like where? Touch yourself in each place as you talk about it. Do you want talking or kissing or other things first? Stroke your body as you want your lover to stroke you. Demonstrate on yourself what turns you on most. You can also do the same to your partner if that helps. If you’re not careful, this will probably turn both of you on. (Just kidding — no need to be careful about getting turned on. If it happens, let it!)
3.
APPROACHING THE GOODIES
Explain how much warm-up your body needs before you like intense focus between your legs. What do you prefer to happen and how extensively before your genitals are approached? Do you want your butt played with, your feet or back rubbed? Don’t hold anything back, whatever your preference. The clearer you are, the more likely you will get exactly what you want.
4.
SHOWING OFF
Show your vagina or penis to your lover. Don’t be shy! Expose all of your parts, sharing your feelings about them. Demonstrate and describe how this part of your body likes to be approached with eyes, fingers, lips, etc. Women, show your lover how to touch your outer lips, inner lips, opening, pee hole, and the inside of your vagina. If you already know where your G-spot is and what kind of stroking you like there, show him that as well. If not, it will soon be time to experiment in an upcoming chapter.
5.
NEVER ASSUME
If you’re in a long-term relationship, please don’t assume your beloved knows everything about your body — or anything for that matter. We bet there are things you don’t know yet yourself. The observer in this practice will surely learn something new, and you will too. Both of you should feel free to ask questions if something important is surprising or left out. Ask for more detail or clarification any time you’re confused. While one of you is fully exposed, the other should really take everything in. You both want the new information to stick with you.
6.
SWITCH
Exchange roles so you both get a chance to reveal your innermost sexual desires and preferences. By the time you have both completed this practice, you’ll probably both be very turned on. Play, go for it, do what comes naturally. We never want you to miss an opportunity for a hot time together. After all, you can continue reading and learning later.
LOVEPLAY FEEDBACK
There are ways to talk to your partner that can improve your loveplay, and you’ve no doubt discovered that there are some approaches you want to avoid. When you think about it, the exercises in this book are a perfect opportunity to play, practice, and communicate without judgment. Let’s take a look at how to make this work best.
When you’re in the throes of lovemaking that’s not feeling as great as you’d like, you’ve probably already bypassed many opportunities for sexual communication. We don’t recommend calling a sudden halt to your play if you can avoid it. No matter how gently and diplomatically you confront it, interrupting pleasure can shock, sadden, and put down your lover — especially if he’s male and has an ego. (And who doesn’t?)
If there’s something really awful your partner does once or repeatedly, talk it over when you’re
not
in bed. Wait until the next day and explain how important this is to you.
Phrase your feedback around new wants and needs that you’re discovering about yourself. If it seems appropriate, demonstrate exactly what you mean. This is another opportunity for the
How to Touch Me
practice!
Do your best not to indict your partner’s desirability or lovability. Never compare your beloved to former lovers. Make it clear that
this isn’t a black mark against a man’s masculinity or a woman’s femininity.
So, schedule this discussion carefully. Be sure you have plenty of time to clarify and resolve the issue. If a person’s ego is involved, it may take more than one session before your lover feels okay about the feedback. Keep reassuring and loving him or her throughout the process.
SEXUAL COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES
Here are several techniques we recommend to help giver and receiver stay in close touch during loveplay or lovemaking.
“Responsiveness” and the “Feedback Sandwich” are prime tools that receivers use to guide the pleasure they’re getting.
“Yes/No Questions” and “Check-Ins” are for the giver to stimulate communication when needed.
1. RESPONSIVENESS
The more lovers integrate orgasmic breathing into all aspects of their loveplay, the less verbal communication is needed. Moving, belly breathing, and sounding are a language all their own that requires few, if any, words. We call a passionate lover who shows their turn-ons “responsive.” The opposite would be cold or even frigid. We wonder how many lovers have been labeled frigid when they were simply too “polite” to show their intense excitement!
So, don’t hold back. Show how turned on you feel. It’s exciting to let it out, and it also excites your lover. Responsiveness creates a non-verbal feedback cycle that can take you both higher and higher, and sensitive lovers who plug into your visible and auditory cues can respond to what the receiver needs and wants in the moment with little need to talk.
2. FEEDBACK SANDWICH
As you’re learning orgasmic breathing, connecting with a new lover, and getting to know what your partner really wants, some talking is essential. How can you make it constructive and get what you want? Criticizing or even seeming like you’re critical will be counterproductive.
For example, you may want your lover to slow down at times and speed up at others. You already know not to say “wrong — too fast” and “slow down, dummy.” But if your only comments direct your lover to
change speed, it’s easy for them to assume that nothing they’re doing feels good to you.

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